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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feeling pushed out

193 replies

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:29

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

OP posts:
Ourlady · 01/05/2022 15:13

The way he is treating you is quite shocking to read. You need to get out of there and out of the relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 15:16

You sound totally unprepared for the reality of being in a unit and obviously did not consider that you could find yourself with the sc full time and this happens!

This should not happen unilaterally unless the partner has no choice (ie the other parent is no longer able to have them). If you move in with a partner you do not have the right to just decide their SC are moving in full time without discussing it with them.

springbreak22 · 01/05/2022 15:23

Tbh, at 34,with no children, I'd think that you'd be better off getting back out there, and pursuing solo parenthood if you didn't meet someone, rather than being in a situation where you're going to have to accept that your needs will, quite rightly, be secondary. That should be standard when a parent. But you are not and quite rightly wish to be put first ahead of everything.

This 👆🏼

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/05/2022 15:26

You are being used.
He does not value time together, he has got what he wants on his terms. A housewife, a babysitter for his dd and sex on tap.

What do you get out of this?
Not even a single date or dinner - or an hour alone.

I would not even bother having a conversation, he will never change (or will do for a few weeks and revert back) There is not enough room in his life for you, and you are coming a very distant second best. Leave find a man that can fully commit to you and have your own babies.

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 15:31

rather than being in a situation where you're going to have to accept that your needs will, quite rightly, be secondary. That should be standard when a parent. But you are not and quite rightly wish to be put first ahead of everything.

There's a lot of inferred excusing of what he's doing, here, which is giving a false impression that this is just what being with a parent is like. It should not be, this is not an example of a healthy "quite rightly putting them first" dynamic, this is excessive and disrespectful towards OP.

LightningAndRainbows · 01/05/2022 15:33

We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap. this would be an absolute signal to me to leave the relationship.

LightningAndRainbows · 01/05/2022 15:37

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 11:23

I do obey sometimes because he pulls up the card of ' I love my daughter so much and want the best for her' and makes me feel unreasonable if I question anything.

Ooh he's a manipulative snake. Please even careful, if you try to leave him ignore his emotional attempts to make you stay.

PeekAtYou · 01/05/2022 15:37

You need to listen to what he's saying.

He's not making the effort in your relationship any more and if you stay I think the situation will get worse.

Were you hoping to have a child with him one day? They will be reduced to feeling like you because he's forgotten that he's a parent and it's not anyone else's fault that he's not with the oldest child's mum any more.

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 15:37

springbreak22 · 01/05/2022 15:23

Tbh, at 34,with no children, I'd think that you'd be better off getting back out there, and pursuing solo parenthood if you didn't meet someone, rather than being in a situation where you're going to have to accept that your needs will, quite rightly, be secondary. That should be standard when a parent. But you are not and quite rightly wish to be put first ahead of everything.

This 👆🏼

That isn’t what the OP is describing.

Demanding to sit in the front seat, staying up really late, etc etc is not ‘putting his daughter’s needs first’.

some people will justifying any terrible behaviour from an NR father because ‘there’s a child involved’.

This is why so many of them should come with a big health warning.

catandcoffee · 01/05/2022 15:46

OP how often did he have his child,before you moved in together ?

stripeyflowers · 01/05/2022 16:11

He's not only being massively unfair to you he's ruining his own daughter into thinking she always gets her way with Daddy.

ittakes2 · 01/05/2022 16:14

My lovely husband makes me feel like I am the most important person in the world to him. We choose together to make our children our first priority because we love each other and we love them. I am sorry but why be in a relationship where you are treated like a second class citizen. He can respect you and be a good father to her in the process.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/05/2022 16:16

Sounds dreadful. I couldn't deal with it. I'd have to have a serious talk and explain that it's just not on. Either he sorts it or the relationship's over.

DeskInUse · 01/05/2022 16:19

Hugely unfair on you, you have no life at all....

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 01/05/2022 17:50

So he might like it best when it's the three of you together but just as a step parent has to recognise they'll often be expected to put the needs of someone's else's child before their own if they want to date someone who's a parent, that parent also has to recognise that if they want to date someone without children they need to make quality time for their partner that doesn't involve the child. Ant that doesn't mean weeknights only when everyone's knackered after work.

Honestly the single best thing you can do is move out. I've done the sitting in the back of the car/11pm bedtimes/access every weekend* thing and the wider relationship dynamics that inevitably come with that type of step-parenting set-up will destroy your mental health.

*The access every weekend dynamic is different to a RP having their DC nearly all the time because those DC are much less likely to be treated as visiting dignitaries and you can do stuff like book a babysitter without feeling guilty about going out on one of the only 2 nights you have them. You get the worst of both worlds in a set up like yours.

Pebbledashery · 01/05/2022 17:51

You moved in too prematurely. I would move back out.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 01/05/2022 17:51

^I gnore my bolding on my reply above, the formatting went doolally

Maydaysoonenough · 01/05/2022 17:53

Imo he doesn't want an adult relationship..
Being a df is consuming him.
Leave them to it op. He won't put your needs first so you should.. Nobody deserves such lack of thought.
At 9 dd rules the roost. Imagine that dd as a teen.
Time to get out op.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 01/05/2022 17:59

What on earth have I just read? OP this isn’t ok, no way should you be sitting in the back of a car for a 9 year old… the only time I would consider this is of they have horrific car sickness and sitting in the front helps.

this is really sad to read, don’t let yourself be treated like a second class citizen to a manipulative 9 year old

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 18:10

Depending on his shifts at work he used to have her two week days after school usually until bed time, every Sunday (her mum works Sundays) and every second Saturday meaning she would be with us every second full weekend.

It's not that I'm not ready to have my partner's child full time, it's not that. Its his attitude in all this and me feeling disrespected but yet expected to shut up and put up with it for the sake of child.

He hardly talks to me today because he has seen I didn't like to be pushed to the front seat yesterday, but instead he cuddles DD all the time, kisses her and tells her how much he loves her.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/05/2022 18:10

I'm not a step parent but I would not entertain my own DC, nor my nieces and nephews, nor my friends' children sitting in the front seat while I sat in the back. Nor is it giving his daughter 'the best' to let her stay up too late and never have to balance her needs with other people's. This isn't good parenting and more importantly it's not a good life for you. I would end it.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/05/2022 18:13

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 18:10

Depending on his shifts at work he used to have her two week days after school usually until bed time, every Sunday (her mum works Sundays) and every second Saturday meaning she would be with us every second full weekend.

It's not that I'm not ready to have my partner's child full time, it's not that. Its his attitude in all this and me feeling disrespected but yet expected to shut up and put up with it for the sake of child.

He hardly talks to me today because he has seen I didn't like to be pushed to the front seat yesterday, but instead he cuddles DD all the time, kisses her and tells her how much he loves her.

Go out. Can you go to a friend's, or book a cheap hotel for the night and go there? He wants you to stop objecting and put the happy face back on and is punishing you by avoiding you. Serve it back. Leave them to it and say you need some time alone to think things over.

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 18:14

*pushed to the back seat it was meant to say

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 01/05/2022 18:16

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 11:23

I do obey sometimes because he pulls up the card of ' I love my daughter so much and want the best for her' and makes me feel unreasonable if I question anything.

I don't blame him for loving his daughter and wanting the best for her, shouldn't that be the case for all parents? Just because he doesn't live with her 24/7 doesn't change that.

However, if he wants to try and move on and have an adult relationship with someone then he needs to get the balance right. You shouldn't be sat in the back of the sodding car!!!

TBH I'd leave him, he's obviously not ready for this and you deserve better Flowers

familyissues12345 · 01/05/2022 18:17

The bedtime stuff is all weird too, why is she going to bed so bloody late? Regardless to the fact you need adult time without her, she must be knackered?! He goes to bed at the same time too? Weird