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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feeling pushed out

193 replies

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:29

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 01/05/2022 10:16

Run. I have been there done that. It won’t get better ever, I promise you that. He has sex on tap now so he’s got what he wants.

Tigertealeaves · 01/05/2022 10:46

Just fuck no to all of this.

What strikes me is he's telling you what to do like he has the right. Telling you where to sit. Telling you not to cook pancakes or watch TV. And it sounds like you are obeying (albeit reluctantly).

You are both adults - him happening to have a DC, or happening to have the dick in the relationship, doesn't make him in charge of you.

Please leave him. If you want kids of your own, you have time to meet someone else. I met the father of my child at 35.

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 11:23

I do obey sometimes because he pulls up the card of ' I love my daughter so much and want the best for her' and makes me feel unreasonable if I question anything.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 01/05/2022 11:30

He is using emotional manipulation. Just know it...that's why you feel you need to obey.

It is universally accepted adults sit in the front. Don't doubt yourself as this is how you start to lose your identity.

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 11:32

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 11:23

I do obey sometimes because he pulls up the card of ' I love my daughter so much and want the best for her' and makes me feel unreasonable if I question anything.

This is deeply manipulative behaviour

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 11:34

He doesn’t just love his daughter so much that he sits in the back seat though. Does he?

LaBellina · 01/05/2022 11:37

Are you prepared to deal with this for at least a few more years to come? Because I think you deserve better. And in your position, I would talk to my partner and if nothing changes or they refuse to see the problem, I think I’d rather be single. At least then nobody dictates when I can bake or do laundry or see a movie in my own home.

ilovemyboys3 · 01/05/2022 11:41

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your partner and express your disappointment in these areas. Tell him you are not relegated to the back of the car because his 9 year old child has a hissy fit. Adults are in the front and children in the back. His child obviously feels more important than you and gets her own way.
Tell him you expect time alone together, can you not compromise and she go up to bed at 9 and you have a couple of hours then. 11pm is far too late for a child and also it's not unreasonable to want a night to yourselves once a week.
My partner and I have 4 nearly 5 children between us. He has two from previous relationship and I have 1 from other relationship. We have 1 together and I'm 9 months pregnant with no2.
My 7 year old is upstairs by 7pm and watches his pad for an hour before lights out. His two children are 9 and 11 and go upstairs at 8 with lights out at 9. Our baby is in bed asleep by 7. Adult time and relaxation is key to any healthy home life to be honest. Children need to know their place in a family and they do not dictate what goes on and when. Tell him your very unhappy and cannot see your relationship lasting unless something changes. Give him 4 weeks and if nothing changes; leave.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/05/2022 11:45

Loving your DC so much and wanting the best for them sounds wonderful, but his words and his actions don't match. Letting his DD do , say and have what they want, and expecting you to join in, will not be for the best for any of you.
You'll end up more and more sidelined and unhappy and his DD will end up demanding and entitled.
In your place I'd be leaving, he's showing you very clearly where you stand

Starseeking · 01/05/2022 11:55

It sounds like your DP is treating his DD as his primary partner, which is really unhealthy behaviour. When he stopped the car and told you to get in the back, I'd have kept walking if I were you, and not got back in.

You should ideally move back out again, and tell him that things need to change, otherwise the relationship will be over.

Starseeking · 01/05/2022 11:57

I've just seen your age. At 34, and with no DC of your own with this man, LEAVE HIM
NOW!!!

SpindleInTheWind · 01/05/2022 12:05

You're being asked to validate the destruction of your own identity.

You're 34. Please move out of this trap of a house and live a different life in a home of your own.

barkingdogturfwar · 01/05/2022 12:32

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 11:23

I do obey sometimes because he pulls up the card of ' I love my daughter so much and want the best for her' and makes me feel unreasonable if I question anything.

All dads like this use this line all the time as a counter argument for everything. It's a straw man argument. The principle of the disagreements are never about whether they should love their kids so much or not, nobody's arguing about that. But they think it will shut their partner down with this little ace card and give them carte Blanche to do whatever the fuck they want to do with no arguments (and it's obviously worked with you sometimes).

His style or parenting is not healthy for anyone, especially his daughter. Children need boundaries and routines to feel secure. They also need to learn that the world does not revolve around their wants. I would have hated to have been parented like this, imagine how shit adult life would be trying to acclimatise to the real world after commandeering everyone around you for your entire childhood?

Anyway, it's his problem, not yours. It's not his daughters fault and the issue isn't even about the amount of time she's with you. It's about his parenting in general. This won't change, and the situation will be so much worse if you have a child with him too - hundreds more complexities to navigate. You will be miserable for as long as you are in a relationship with him. It's amazing that you're just able to walk away from this and leave him to his circus and live a happy life, don't delay!

barkingdogturfwar · 01/05/2022 12:34

By the way, I love my DC so much and want the best for them too (don't we all). For that reason I tell them off when they misbehave, make them eat healthy food, don't let them do whatever they want, make them go to bed at a reasonable time etc etc etc. That's love, his version is all laziness masquerading as love.

RoyKentsChestHair · 01/05/2022 12:53

Absolutely everything that Barkingdog has said. My XP treated his DDs (especially the younger one) like a mini wife. If I got annoyed about it I was told that I was a child hater and that I wanted to push his DD out as I didn’t think it was ok for her to have the front seat in the car, to sit on his lap at the cinema, with her back facing me to get in between us, or because I didn’t want to have to share the bed with her in between us. Just because he loved her the most in all the world (including his other DS! Sad ), he didn’t get that it wasn’t the same for me - especially as I have DC of my own who didn’t get treated like royalty or get precedence over him in the car or in my bed.

This dynamic is unhealthy for the child as well as for you. He won’t change, he’ll just make you feel like shit for wanting to be a priority in your own home. Run now and find someone without DC, or at least someone who is a decent parent and partner.

MzHz · 01/05/2022 13:26

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 09:01

I'm 34

You’re totally wasting your life with this bloke!

please get out now, and find a GOOD man to have a life/family with.

I had my son at 38, you don’t have any more time to waste on this bloke

MzHz · 01/05/2022 13:32

i met my now oh about 6 years ago, he had kids from before too and his youngest DID try the front seat thing, and WAS trying constantly to get between us in so many ways, but OH sorted it out immediately (sensitively of course) but he backed me

your OH is just treating you like a convenience -
you know this @blackOrWhite

time to call it a day.

and don’t be sucked in to the total write off of your life by agreeing to be together but living apart. That’s not going to work out either

clean slate time. You want - and definitely deserve- better

Iwonder08 · 01/05/2022 14:23

Don't have 'honest conversation'. Leave. You can do so much better than that. It will get only worse. I don't know if you want children, but if you do it is very likely your child's needs will be second to his daughter at all occasions. If you don't want to have children... Why to have all the sacrifice of your time, potentially finances, extra responsibility, lifestyle limitations with no rewarding feeling a parent gets?
He already showed you are not a priority for him, your wellbeing doesn't matter and everything will always revolve around his child. If a man can't treat his new partner respectfully and can't find time for their relationship and make her feel valued, loved and important he shouldn't have relationship. Don't buy into all this ' my child is my priority'

Magda72 · 01/05/2022 14:25

Oh @blackOrWhite leave now!
This is never going to get any better & she will be a NIGHTMARE of an entitled teen!
Aside from his appalling treatment of you, he is also locked into a weird codependency with his dd - almost like he cannot function without her around - and he is treating her like his partner.
Google this - there are loads of excellent articles on it.
He also has an ex who is obviously perfectly happy for him to take the lead in parenting and will essentially let him do whatever he wants re access/spending etc. which means your future will constantly revolve around him & his dd making whatever arrangements suit THEM. Ex won't mind what they do & so any objection you ever make will be made out to be unreasonable.
Run, Run, Run!

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 14:58

I would love to have children one day.

Never done step patenting before so I thought these are standard things you would normally put up with.
His ex couldn't care less, he has DD whenever he wants, holidays, weekends, nights, afternoons.

Monday is a Bank holiday. We are both off work, he would normally work backshift 1pm until 11pm. I was hoping for some time together, a date, maybe a dinner, cinema but nah, found out yesterday from his DD that she is staying with us all day.

Does your DP tell you in advance when SC will be over? Can you sometimes prioritise your own plans, just the two of you?

I'm reading all replies and hear what you are saying. It is so much to take in

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 15:07

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 14:58

I would love to have children one day.

Never done step patenting before so I thought these are standard things you would normally put up with.
His ex couldn't care less, he has DD whenever he wants, holidays, weekends, nights, afternoons.

Monday is a Bank holiday. We are both off work, he would normally work backshift 1pm until 11pm. I was hoping for some time together, a date, maybe a dinner, cinema but nah, found out yesterday from his DD that she is staying with us all day.

Does your DP tell you in advance when SC will be over? Can you sometimes prioritise your own plans, just the two of you?

I'm reading all replies and hear what you are saying. It is so much to take in

Leave. As soon as possible.

Your life is dictated by his weird, unhealthy attitude tk his 9 year old.

You do not want to have children with this man. Absolutely not. It would be beyond awful.

It is totally normal for people to have a regular contact schedule and to not only tell their partner kn advance if there’s a change but also to discuss it with them beforehand.

You can do better than this. Much better.

Starseeking · 01/05/2022 15:09

He doesn't even bother to tell you himself when his DD is coming to stay. My EXDP used to at least keep up a pretence of considering me, by saying things like "I'm thinking of DSS coming to stay, let me know if it's an issue."

Nobody is treating you or your feelings with respect in this setup OP, and they are not likely to do so in future. You will be absolutely miserable if you stay in this situation.

ChoiceMummy · 01/05/2022 15:12

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 14:58

I would love to have children one day.

Never done step patenting before so I thought these are standard things you would normally put up with.
His ex couldn't care less, he has DD whenever he wants, holidays, weekends, nights, afternoons.

Monday is a Bank holiday. We are both off work, he would normally work backshift 1pm until 11pm. I was hoping for some time together, a date, maybe a dinner, cinema but nah, found out yesterday from his DD that she is staying with us all day.

Does your DP tell you in advance when SC will be over? Can you sometimes prioritise your own plans, just the two of you?

I'm reading all replies and hear what you are saying. It is so much to take in

I think that ideally you'd be made aware of contact timings, but they should be fluid also imo.

I understand why you feel as you do, as effectively you've been a couple a d then had ad hoc time as a unit. You sound totally unprepared for the reality of being in a unit and obviously did not consider that you could find yourself with the sc full time and this happens!

I don't think that you're ever going to have the life you had when not living together. That's gone.

Now either you address the issues, and accept that more will arise. Or you decide that this isn't for you.

Tbh, at 34,with no children, I'd think that you'd be better off getting back out there, and pursuing solo parenthood if you didn't meet someone, rather than being in a situation where you're going to have to accept that your needs will, quite rightly, be secondary. That should be standard when a parent. But you are not and quite rightly wish to be put first ahead of everything.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/05/2022 15:12

May I suggest @blackOrWhite that you have a browse through the threads on this board? Over and over the SM's have the same complaints about seperated Dads who a) won't say no to their DC because they feel guilty about the family splitting up and b) are afraid their DC won't see them if they don't let them have everything their own way. If they have another DC they get even worse.
That can be your future, or you can have a bloody good think about what's best for you

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 15:12

This isn't a normal step parenting dynamic at all OP, it's definitely a situation to get away from.