Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Feeling pushed out

193 replies

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:29

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:56

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2022 08:53

The house is rented and I have no problem with moving out.

Good-I’d spend the day packing!

Does he need your money to help pay the bills? I don’t understand how this DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. is only a thing now you live there-why did he only start wanting her there more when you moved in-it doesn’t make sense? Unless he lived in a houseshare or something that wouldn’t be nice to have DD in, but now he lives with you and can afford a house, he can, but doesn’t really seem to actually want you there.

I’m going to hazard a guess that before moving in he had to make time to see the OP (so he could get sex). But now he doesn’t need to make the effort.

Els1e · 01/05/2022 08:57

If I was in your shoes, I would be out of this relationship. It’s lovely that he adores his daughter. However the way your needs are being dismissed, is not on. You can do better. I read a phrase the other day. “Better to be on the shelf, than in the wrong cupboard”. This cupboard is all wrong.

ilovebrie8 · 01/05/2022 08:59

OP run as fast as you can. Lucky it’s a rented house you are in, get the hell out! The car thing when he pulled over and asked you to swap I’d have walked rather than move to the back seat that’s outrageous. How old are you?

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 09:00

I’m going to hazard a guess that before moving in he had to make time to see the OP (so he could get sex). But now he doesn’t need to make the effort.

That's exactly how I feel.
He used to come to mine twice a week, before or after work and I was at his some time too. We had plenty time together and now I feel like wtf. I didn't get any say in it. I think you can have kids full time and still be able to get some time alone when they are in beds for example

OP posts:
Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 09:01

I'm 34

OP posts:
MrsDamonSalvatore · 01/05/2022 09:04

Sorry OP but I can’t see this getting any better. He is letting his daughter rule the roost and is very much putting you in second place. I agree with the others, move out! Carry on the relationship if you want - as long as he makes time for you - but there doesn’t seem to be much of a long term future for it. In the meantime, no way would I be sitting in the back while a young child sits in the front, unless it was an occasional ‘treat’. I also agree with PP that 11pm is too late for a 9-year-old’s bedtime, again except as an occasional one-off. Bake what you want and wash what you want, it’s your home - for the time being at least.

FinnRussell · 01/05/2022 09:04

The pattens that are being set now in your relationship are not going to get better. You are not a priority for him. Sorry to be blunt. I would not be in a relationship where someone treated me like that.

ilovebrie8 · 01/05/2022 09:05

You are still young enough to start over, leave this is no life for you...

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 01/05/2022 09:06

Do you want your own children? Bad enough you suffer in this dynamic without inflicting goodness knows what kind of weird favoritism on a new baby. Can't imagine SD will be too keen to share with a sibling.
Just give up, this won't get any better

LadyWhistldown · 01/05/2022 09:07

Move out my dear. You sound like the hired help for when Princess DSC is there

MarilynValentine · 01/05/2022 09:10

Leave.

fuck that.

MichelleScarn · 01/05/2022 09:10

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:50

He sits in the front when I drive. He won't sit in the back and says it's uncomfortable because he is tall and has more space on the front seat

Ah right, so her wants are paramount over yours, but not his... he's an arse

whowhatwerewhy · 01/05/2022 09:12

I would move back out . He's prioritising his DD over you . You should be forging your own family , this would mean give and take on both you and DD parts . But it seems like your feeling don't matter .
I would explain to him you realise his relationship with his daughter is extremely important and she shouldn't be pushed out because of you but you feel it's gone too far and you are feeling pushed out.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/05/2022 09:13

Move out now. I am a SP and there is lots of compromise. But this guy simply isn’t that into you, he just wants a fuck buddy who fits around his child, his job and his life in general.

stop being a doormat and dump.

As a side issue this will be doing his daughter no good.

Georgeskitchen · 01/05/2022 09:26

When does the child actually spend any time with her mother?
Sorry I wouldn't tolerate this.
Run as fast as you can and don't look back, I my advice!!

Datsandcogs · 01/05/2022 09:29

11pm is too late for a 9 year old. Half 7 in the week, maybe 9 on a non school night.

Sitting in the front is not an option for a child if an adult has to go in the back, it’s not as safe with airbags either, but most of all it's a massive red flag.

All those household things that she wants to do do not take priority over what you do in your home. That needs stamping out now.

Overall it doesn’t seem like your DP has time for you. I’m not sure what the positives are in your relationships but I would seriously consider moving out if not moving on from him altogether.

HandbagsnGladrags · 01/05/2022 09:31

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:50

He sits in the front when I drive. He won't sit in the back and says it's uncomfortable because he is tall and has more space on the front seat

He's a dick. Dump him. Honestly, I couldn't put up with a 9 year old dictating my life and he is not supportive of you in any way whatsoever.

GetThatHelmetOn · 01/05/2022 09:39

I would move out, this is not what you signed for when you agreed to move in.

Obviously, things change, you adapt but if you have no say on decisions that affect you, what’s the point?

hellrabbitishere · 01/05/2022 09:43

the only way out of this is via a front door with suitcases , and thats what i would do , and indeed i was in a very similar situation in my early thirties and suffered it for 2 years before i left , the relief was immense i tell you
its not going to get better even if you try and do all this compromise stuff , you will be cast as the bad guy .by the kid who will see you as a competitor for her dads attention , by your partner who thinks your being diffficult about his daughter and probably by the kids mum who will listen to her kids moaning about you when she goes home most likely .

now your living with him and hes decided your all going to play happy families with his daughter there half a week or whatever it is , you have years of this misery ahead unless you leave .

lunar1 · 01/05/2022 09:51

This is one of those things that won't improve. It will get a little better for a short time, then go back to this. By then you will have wasted another year, what if it takes 2 or 3 cycles of you giving it a chance before you leave?

Don't be a side character in someone else's story.

hellrabbitishere · 01/05/2022 09:51

oh and by the way to echo everyone else yes 11pm is too late for a nine year old , my fourteen year old is in bed 2 hours before that as shes got a full day of school ahead of her , its bad enough getting her up in the mornings as it is ! she will sit up late on fri and weekends , but of course the difference is shes a typical teen who likes being in her room talking to her mates and playing games on her laptop .

a 9 year old staying up till the is just going to want to hang around downstairs which of course means no time for parents in the evening

BananaBlue · 01/05/2022 09:52

He sounds like a rubbish father and rubbish partner.

clearly he doesn’t want to spend time with you or he’d make it happen.

Its unlikely it will get better, even without DSD he would probably still not hold you in high regard.

I’d end it.

Do you know why he s and ex split?

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 09:58

Wow. Firstly, he should not have made such a significant change to his contact arrangement AFTER you moving in without expecting it to be a joint decision as he now is not solely in charge of his household. Everything after that has just furthered that disrespect and disregard. He even expects you to put up with things he would not put up with himself (the car).

I would just leave OP. This is never going to magically turn into a dynamic where he respects you. He doesn't and never will.

BovrilonToast · 01/05/2022 10:01

Leave. This will not change. You aren’t even close to being a priority for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/05/2022 10:06

You’ve had boiled frog syndrome OP but it sounds like you’re seeing things clearly. I’m a step mum. This dynamic is really unhealthy and fucked up and he’s not behaving in a normal way at all.

It’s shit you’ll have to move but that is what you have to do. No other option. He’s weird and you deserve much better.

He's not going to accept it easily I don’t think but don’t doubt yourself. It’s unanimous here that none of this is okay. Please free yourself.