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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feeling pushed out

193 replies

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:29

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

OP posts:
MRSAHILL · 02/05/2022 11:29

Just to add, I remarried a few years later and we adopted a 4 year old boy with extreme behavioural issues. Raising him was a breeze compared to my ex and his daughter, as my 2nd husband and me both backed each other up and treated our son as a child, not a mini adult.

MeridianB · 02/05/2022 14:50

Sofielou · 02/05/2022 08:55

Well done OP! Love your latest update. 👏🏻
Keep hold of that "fuck this shit" approach.

Demanding control of the TV at 10pm?! Un fucking believeable. What was her father's response? My DP would have said "no it's too late for that and Sofie is watching a film, come on, bed time". Not that his kids would ever do that or be up at that time at that age!

Yay to this. Stay strong. OP.

The examples from @Blendiful and @MRSAHILL are eye-openers. Many ridiculous men around!

SandyY2K · 02/05/2022 15:29

We will need to have a talk today once he drops her off to her mum. If he wants a relationship he needs to 1. Respect, 2. Make a space for me and 3. Find the time for it.

And if he can't do that, it's best to end the relationship, without wasting any more time.

I have made plans for the next weekend so I'm not here at all. Don't know where this is all going but it could be the beginning of an end.

That's good. You go and enjoy yourself and leave him to it.

I won't be sitting in the back of the car, I won't be treated as an afterthought and my life won't be dictated by either of them 2.

Absolutely...if you're not getting your needs met, cut loose and leave him.

DariaMorgendorffer · 02/05/2022 15:36

Sofielou · 02/05/2022 08:55

Well done OP! Love your latest update. 👏🏻
Keep hold of that "fuck this shit" approach.

Demanding control of the TV at 10pm?! Un fucking believeable. What was her father's response? My DP would have said "no it's too late for that and Sofie is watching a film, come on, bed time". Not that his kids would ever do that or be up at that time at that age!

This!! Don't back down op. He is bang out of order and you've kindly given him the benefit of the doubt for this long, but it's time to put yourself first. His behaviour with his dd is just not normal, or healthy imo, and he is showing you no respect. You deserve so much more!

Hoolahulahoop · 02/05/2022 17:54

You deserve so much more. He is very strange to change so suddenly once he knew you were more committed. So odd. His daughter is not benefitting from this behaviour either. She needs proper boundaries and bedtimes.

Maydaysoonenough · 02/05/2022 18:18

Imo he cares not if your relationship fails. He will still be adored by the most important female in his life.

Time to make plans op.

Ferngreen · 02/05/2022 18:36

We will need to have a talk today once he drops her off to her mum. If he wants a relationship he needs to 1. Respect, 2. Make a space for me and 3. Find the time for it.

No No don't have a talk, just move out and find someone else. His spoiling/ pandering/ kissing etc DD is not healthy. You don't want to have DCs with this man.

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 02/05/2022 19:31

Last night he said to her that Black&White is watching a movie, let's go to bed. To me he replied with 'okay'. It was polite, not cheeky etc. I could tell from their later conversation in bed that he didn't know how to handle it and was trying to distract her rather than explain that it is way too late for her to watch TV at 10pm.

I'm so sorry that more posters had to go through this. It's though.

I can't believe I have put up with it for so long thinking this is normal in step families.

She is still here. I was working from home today then went to the gym. I don't get why he wanted her here when she was with me only until 3pm when he finally decided to get out of bed. He does get up earlier normally. Maybe now he decided I've to be his childcare too, which would be something new again on the top of everything else.

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 02/05/2022 19:39

Very healthy, he values you, if he really loved you, he would treat you better

MeridianB · 02/05/2022 19:41

He slept until 3pm today?

Maydaysoonenough · 02/05/2022 19:59

Stop being a mug. Which you were today at the very least looking after his Princess til 3pm.

DariaMorgendorffer · 02/05/2022 20:23

Oh no op. He did not make you mind her until 3pm while he slept? He is taking the absolute piss!

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 20:45

Stop being such a doormat and letting him use you for sex and childcare!

do you pay the mortgage as well??!

tkwal · 02/05/2022 21:00

I'm not even sure a 9 year old should be sitting in the front, car seat laws and possible risk from airbags. Does she have a booster seat appropriate for her height and weight ?. 11 is far too late for a 9 year old. Why would your TV be .old enough to disturb her ? If she's so keen to do household tasks let her "help" you. Does she cook pancakes on her own ? Gas or electric hob ? Can she reach safely ?does she need supervision ?. To be honest, I'm exhausted trying to deal with all the pros, cons and caveats so I can only begin to understand how you must be feeling.Her name isn't Verucca Salt is it ?
I think its pretty clear that you have a choice to make. Stay with him and fight for autonomy in your own home...definitely not an easy option , or leave the two of them to make the best of their unhealthy,odd, and frankly creepy relationship. Maybe her mother or social services should try to establish appropriate boundaries for them , but if you stay you will probably be in for a very bumpy time of it. Good luck 👍

tkwal · 02/05/2022 21:01

. Old = loud

Hoolahulahoop · 02/05/2022 21:07

This is getting worse. So you can't have guilt free down time in the evening but he gets the whole day in bed guilt free.

Did you not send his daughter in to wake him since he can't have a moment without her

tkwal · 02/05/2022 21:18

If you ever want children please find yourself someone who will support you. If you were to bring a child into your current life do you really see your DSD being OK with sharing "her" Daddy ?

Swayingpalmtrees · 03/05/2022 13:32

You will look back on this period of your life and think what the HELL was I thinking??

The time for talks must surely be over. 3pm?! That is an absolute piss take.
Please just pack up and go, and tell him to get stuffed, he is taking you for a fool op.

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 03/05/2022 13:50

She was self sufficient, made her own breakfast and played quietly in her bedroom most of the time. I left the bedroom door open all the time so she has wandered in there quite a few times to wake him up.

I was trying to talk to him last night. He said that he is fine and isn't going to argue with me. Then he shut the coversation down and wanted me to come to bed.

My head is trying to minimise how bad this actually is.

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 03/05/2022 16:37

Is he trying to avoid paying maintenance by having her more?

Daleksatemyshed · 03/05/2022 18:16

Sorry Op but your head needs a good shake. I know it's easy for us to say leave and I know it's not so easy to do but I truly and honestly believe you are on a hiding to nothing with this man. He basically taunted you all evening when you said no to his DD and then took the piss by sleeping in all day. Now he has no interest in hearing your side.
Look forward, say ten years, how do you want your life to be? Married, children?
If you stay you may have both of those things but they will come at quite a price, not only will you be bottom of the pile but so will your children, always second best to your DSD and with no say in what happens in your own home.
This is your life and not my business but you seem like a decent person and I'd like you to have a good life and all I can see ahead is misery

hellrabbitishere · 04/05/2022 06:48

Daleksatemyshed · 03/05/2022 18:16

Sorry Op but your head needs a good shake. I know it's easy for us to say leave and I know it's not so easy to do but I truly and honestly believe you are on a hiding to nothing with this man. He basically taunted you all evening when you said no to his DD and then took the piss by sleeping in all day. Now he has no interest in hearing your side.
Look forward, say ten years, how do you want your life to be? Married, children?
If you stay you may have both of those things but they will come at quite a price, not only will you be bottom of the pile but so will your children, always second best to your DSD and with no say in what happens in your own home.
This is your life and not my business but you seem like a decent person and I'd like you to have a good life and all I can see ahead is misery

agree with this so much , im 50 this year and although theres no point in regrets i cannot let go of mine , i bitterly regret i let my ex pressure me into moving up to live with him , knowing i was giving up everything i had in my hometown to do so and listening and believing his promises when i said i was nervous about the fact he had a son as id never had any experiance of kids before , oh its ok i only have him every other wkend , to only three months later his ex is dumping the child over at every single fri night as early as possible and collecting at dinnertime on a sunday , plus all the bank holidays as well , in two years i barely remember a single weekend we had to our selves and if i said anything i got a load of guilt tripping shit thrown at me .
those weekends were spent with him entertaining his son who never wanted to go out anywhere playing games on the playstation whilst i was left to do housework and generally ignored like i wasnt there by the two of them

it never ever got any better , compromise didnt work at all and by the time i moved out i was on antidepressents for the first time in my life and had lost over a stone in weight ,
the ops post reminds me so much of those two years of shit and misery and id honestly hate any woman to go through what i did . it never ever gets better until you leave

Daleksatemyshed · 04/05/2022 09:38

@hellrabbitishere I'm sorry you had such a rough time, I hope you're happy now

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 04/05/2022 14:08

@hellrabbitishere thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through it Flowers it's really similar to what I'm having now, except that we aren't married.

Thank you for everyone else for advice, it's really helpful. How did I even end up here. Yes @Daleksatemyshed my head needs a good shake. I'm at the stage now where I see it is wrong, I wouldn't treat anyone like that, but I'm trying to convince myself it is not that bad and I can somehow make him see that I'm hurt. Then I remember how I felt disregarded and alone at the weekend and him refusing to even talk about it

OP posts:
hellrabbitishere · 04/05/2022 18:12

blackOrWhite · 04/05/2022 14:08

@hellrabbitishere thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through it Flowers it's really similar to what I'm having now, except that we aren't married.

Thank you for everyone else for advice, it's really helpful. How did I even end up here. Yes @Daleksatemyshed my head needs a good shake. I'm at the stage now where I see it is wrong, I wouldn't treat anyone like that, but I'm trying to convince myself it is not that bad and I can somehow make him see that I'm hurt. Then I remember how I felt disregarded and alone at the weekend and him refusing to even talk about it

its fine , i will relate my rather painfull experiance if it does help someone else avoid the same , its easy to tell someone to leave because you see thats the way , but much harder for the person living it to do , maybe give it a few months , if trying to talk to him fails ,and the whole thing carries on the same i think the way will be much clearer for you . just dont become entrenched in it like i did , there are many things im angry at myself for , nodding away like a prat when id talked about how nervous i was about his son as i had no experiance of kids and him saying oh dont worry babes i only have him every other weekend ,!! yeah right that only lasted for a very short time before i was getting informed he was coming every single one . for not realising that a child of 8 who is traumatised by his parents very recent split would not take kindly to having a younger woman istalled in his mothers place in the home he lived in , and my biggest one is waiting for so long hoping it would get better that eventually my widowed mum decided to sell our 3 bed house in east london and move up to be nearer to me , which was fine i love my mother , but if id only admitted defeat sooner i could have moved back to havering to live back with her and yes i would have had to look for another job ,but id have been back where i felt at home .

i struggle everyday with missing my home town , id love nothing more to go back but its so expensive now , my dd is 14 and wouldnt want to move im sure and im not leaving my mum up here on her own . so i wish you the very best and remember if it gets really shit think of me and my story and i hope if nothing else what iv said helps you to decide what to do if not now ,in the future xx

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