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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feeling pushed out

193 replies

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:29

I wonder if you could advise how to deal with it? Is this normal?

My partner's daughter is 9. Our relationship was great until we have moved in together (been together a few years).

Since we moved in together DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. He works shifts. His ex is happy with it. But that means we don't get a time for just the two of us. None. We used to do so much at the weekends even being at home, we used to go to bed at 3am but now his DD is here all the time, dynamics are completely different, she goes to bed around 11pm and lights out, can't even watch a movie because I'm told it would be too loud. DP started going to bed at the same time as her and I'm spending Saturday nights on my own.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he understands my pov but nothing changed. I don't mind her being here, and I'm not going to say I don't want here here but I still want my relationship as it was. Everything changed so much. We still could spend Saturday nights together when she is asleep, I would like to think?

I can't make pancakes, oh because DD would love to make them, I can't bake anything on my own because DD wants too. I can't put washing on or take it off the line because oh DD will to do it tomorrow. I can't put dishes away from the dryer because DD is going to do it later. I can't sit in the front passenger seat in the car because DD wants to sit next to daddy. We picked her up yesterday and she started moaning and crying why she has to sit in the back, that her place is in the front and DP said of course no problem, then he pulled the car over and told me to swap.
Do you sit in the back of the car when DSC are with you?

Thank you for reading. I needed to vent after another lonely Saturday night and a week full of this.

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 01/05/2022 08:31

Leave. Fuck that. Or start saying 'No!'.

CucumberCool · 01/05/2022 08:33

It's a really tricky situation but probably a bit unhealthy for the child. There needs to be balance and you both need adult alone time.

m00rfarm · 01/05/2022 08:33

Sitting in the back of the car whilst a child sits in the front? I don't think so! I was sort of half and half with the other stuff (well - if his DD wants to do HIS washing - that is fine with me). But no WAY does a child tell me where to sit. But how has that not been an issue before now?

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:35

You need to move back out and leave him to it. Things will not get better and you’re not wrong to feel upset at being cast as an extra in your own relationship.

there is NO WAY I would have swapped to sit in the back seat of that car. He’d have pulled over, I’d have stepped out of the car and walked away.

DolphinaPD · 01/05/2022 08:38

Leave. And go very fast and very far. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

LorW · 01/05/2022 08:39

I echo the previous poster. Fuck that. Get a backbone and start telling him no or better yet, leave. Please don’t stay living like this any longer.

I don’t even think 11pm is an appropriate bed time for a 9 year old tbh.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2022 08:41

That is really weird and if he won’t listen to you, you need to separate. Who owns the house you live in-or whose name is it in? Who would need to move out of you split up?

Pegasussnail · 01/05/2022 08:42

He's being ridiculous. You can't watch a movie anymore without her.
He's not that into you. Its about as far from romantic as you can get.

Dump this weirdo

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 01/05/2022 08:42

Why did this only change after you moved in? I don't understand why you being there all the time would make him have her over more.

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:42

She always used to sit in the front and never let me do it, DP doesn't see an issue with it and says she loves sitting in the front seat as can see more etc. I hated it from the start but was thinking maybe I'm unreasonable? I didn't want her to feel pushed out but I feel pushed out now!
For the last maybe 6 months I've said I'm sitting in the front one way, she can sit on the way back home, so we share. She didn't like it but hey ho.

I can see it becoming argument and DP getting upset if I insist on sitting in the front now all the time. He is going to say how come it never was an issue before but it is now, that I'm unreasonable and why changing it

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 01/05/2022 08:44

11pm is far too late for a 9 year old to go to bed!! No wonder you have no time together.

11stonesomething · 01/05/2022 08:45

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MichelleScarn · 01/05/2022 08:47

What happens if you drive? Does he sit in the back while she's up front or do they both sit in the back while you chauffeur?
The washing thing is bizarre and a bit controlling!

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:48

The house is rented and I have no problem with moving out.

I don't know why it started only now afer I have moved in. I guess doing dishes and washing are things that you don't really do when you live separate.

He says he prefers time spend with both of us because he loves us both and the time is the best when we both are here. He used to pick DD up every Sunday morning from her mum (her mum works) and now says it's too much of an inconvenience having to get up at 7am on Sunday when DD can be with us since Saturday

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 01/05/2022 08:49

How old are you?

You want the old relationship but it's gone forever. Don't hold out for the past memories because that will keep you there, you have to accept the relationship for where it is now.

Essentially he had checked out and demoted you. No way would I tolerate sitting in the back of the car. Use this as a wake up. I suspect if you raise this with him it will either be passive agreement but no change of behaviour or he will cause an argument and say you are jealous of his daughter.

Upshot is he isn't able to have an emotionally healthy relationship. He probadly wants a gf to share living costs, have sex, be there when daughter isn't around but you are not important to him.

Why would you tolerate this?

pinkyredrose · 01/05/2022 08:49

Move out asap!

Original poster
blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:50

He sits in the front when I drive. He won't sit in the back and says it's uncomfortable because he is tall and has more space on the front seat

OP posts:
EL8888 · 01/05/2022 08:51

I would be getting out of this situation if l was you. All of it sounds like a joke; the bed time, you sitting in the back of the car etc. To be blunt it feels like he got you where he wanted you, then he started pulling dick moved with the Disney dad / precious Princess dynamic. He probably thinks you need to suck it up, l really wouldn’t. It’s ridiculous and dysfunctional

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:51

The car seating thing was a huge red flag the entire time OP.

He’s making it clear that she is the only one that really matters here. So you should listen to him and act accordingly.

Do you want to be sitting in the back seat, only being allowed to cook pancakes if they’re actually for your SD, never being allowed to watch a film on your own TV, and so on for the rest of your life?

You deserve better.

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:51

blackOrWhite · 01/05/2022 08:50

He sits in the front when I drive. He won't sit in the back and says it's uncomfortable because he is tall and has more space on the front seat

But he expects you to sit there instead.

he is overtly telling you that you don’t matter. Listen to him.

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:52

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:51

But he expects you to sit there instead.

he is overtly telling you that you don’t matter. Listen to him.

Show quote history

not because he’s right.

listen because he’s telling you who he is, what is priorities are and all that he’s willing to give you.

then RUN.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2022 08:53

The house is rented and I have no problem with moving out.

Good-I’d spend the day packing!

Does he need your money to help pay the bills? I don’t understand how this DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. is only a thing now you live there-why did he only start wanting her there more when you moved in-it doesn’t make sense? Unless he lived in a houseshare or something that wouldn’t be nice to have DD in, but now he lives with you and can afford a house, he can, but doesn’t really seem to actually want you there.

Tothepoint99 · 01/05/2022 08:55

Heaven forfend!! I do not sit in the back when we have DSS. They fall in line in the hierarchy and don't moan in the slightest.

Doesn't sound like that's going to change any time soon.

Get gone!

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 08:56

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2022 08:53

The house is rented and I have no problem with moving out.

Good-I’d spend the day packing!

Does he need your money to help pay the bills? I don’t understand how this DP decided he wants to have DD here every weekend and every evening when he isn't at work. is only a thing now you live there-why did he only start wanting her there more when you moved in-it doesn’t make sense? Unless he lived in a houseshare or something that wouldn’t be nice to have DD in, but now he lives with you and can afford a house, he can, but doesn’t really seem to actually want you there.

I’m going to hazard a guess that before moving in he had to make time to see the OP (so he could get sex). But now he doesn’t need to make the effort.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 01/05/2022 08:56

Leave this situation. If you put your foot down when he doesn’t you will become the ‘evil stepmother’. Get out now before you’re in too deep.