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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:20

Wow so you singled out the step child from his half siblings? Dumped him on his dad and went off to spend family time with your biological kids? I'm sorry but you're not dating the guy you're MARRIED to him! I'm not saying your responsibility towards DSS is equal to your husband's but the child should be treated EQUALLY

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:22

@PuddleSticks Why is you looking after your Stepson a 'favour?' You married and became a sodding family! Jesus Christ. A favour!? Wow

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 13/04/2022 22:23

Or, if framed the right way to the child now, he has learnt that if you swear at someone doing you a favour then they will no longer feel obliged to do that favour

That only works if the child understands that it's a burden for an adult to have to care for him. Of course, childcare is a burden, but most parents try to avoid making this obvious to a 9 year old.

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:25

@TheDuchess1979

It’s not “free childcare” or “a favour” to look after your step son. I think you’ve been out of order on this one. And I’ve been a step-parent for over 20 years.
THIS. It's appalling behaviour to view caring for your own stepson as a 'favour' to your spouse. That poor child. It doesn't matter if he was happy to go to his dad's work, he'll have picked up on the negative atmosphere and seen his dad's face when they arrived etc etc. Incidents like this add up
NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 22:25

[quote SpringsSprung]@PuddleSticks Why is you looking after your Stepson a 'favour?' You married and became a sodding family! Jesus Christ. A favour!? Wow[/quote]
Yes it's a favour. When you marry someone there is nothing that says "you can assume I'm happy to look after your child at all times". There are only two people responsible for that child. Anything else is a bonus.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 22:26

and seen his dad's face when they arrived etc then his dad should make sure his face is suitably arranged

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/04/2022 22:28

[quote SpringsSprung]@PuddleSticks Why is you looking after your Stepson a 'favour?' You married and became a sodding family! Jesus Christ. A favour!? Wow[/quote]
Getting married gives you zero parental rights over another mother's child. That means no rights to discipline the child, no rights to make significant decisions - even less rights, in fact, to a childminder.

And when does getting married to a guy mean that you have to look after all his children, simultaneously, ALL the time? Especially if you also work full-time. As most step-mothers actually do?

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 22:28

It's appalling behaviour to view caring for your own stepson as a 'favour' to your spouse. That poor child.

It's appalling behaviour to view anyone who isn't the child's other parent caring for your child for you as anything other than a favour. That's exactly what it is. No need to turn that into something dramatic. It's just reality.

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:29

@THisbackwithavengeance I completely agree! It's frightening isn't it? These women marry men with kids and then single out the poor thing because "But....why should I!?"
Absolutely appalling

Footlooseandfree · 13/04/2022 22:30

Poor SS - he isn’t a dog that you’ve agreed to look after as a favour, he is your kids sibling and part of your family.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 22:30

It's appalling behaviour to view anyone who isn't the child's other parent caring for your child for you as anything other than a favour I agree. It should never be taken for granted.

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:31

@PuddleSticks I may even go spend the night at my parents with the DC.

But not the step son though of course! Just the ones which YOU gave birth to! Hmm

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 22:31

@Footlooseandfree

Poor SS - he isn’t a dog that you’ve agreed to look after as a favour, he is your kids sibling and part of your family.
No, he is a child OP agreed to look after as a favour.
CircusBaby · 13/04/2022 22:31

@7eleven

Dress it up however you like, but you used your dss as a weapon to piss off your twat of a husband. Not cool in my book.
Absolutely this.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 13/04/2022 22:32

I'm not saying your responsibility towards DSS is equal to your husband's but the child should be treated EQUALLY

Exactly this but ONLY when it involves doing the grunt work. If however you want any kind of input into how they're actually raised BUTT THE FUCK OUT YOU'RE NOT THEIR MOTHER.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 22:35

Just the ones which YOU gave birth to!

Like most parents, then!

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:35

@PuddleSticks

if he is working and she is not then this is what balances out their contribution

And I do work 🙂 I've taken precious holiday time for this shit.

No... You said you've taken precious holiday time to look after your own children. Now you're twisting it to sound like you took holiday time to look after your stepson...
aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 22:38

[quote SpringsSprung]@THisbackwithavengeance I completely agree! It's frightening isn't it? These women marry men with kids and then single out the poor thing because "But....why should I!?"
Absolutely appalling [/quote]
Oh FGS calm down, so much hyperbole.

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:38

@TimBoothseyes It is if she has taken a weeks holiday to do it because the father cba to pay for childcare on his contact time. And I've been a step parent for a lot longer than 20 years.

No, OP stated in the beginning that she took the time off to look after their SHARED children. Don't make it sound like she took time off just for DSS

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/04/2022 22:43

@SpringsSprung

Back to Gilead with you. Stepmothers are not handmaids!

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:48

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@SpringsSprung

Back to Gilead with you. Stepmothers are not handmaids![/quote]
In English?!?!

funinthesun19 · 13/04/2022 22:48

[quote SpringsSprung]@THisbackwithavengeance I completely agree! It's frightening isn't it? These women marry men with kids and then single out the poor thing because "But....why should I!?"
Absolutely appalling [/quote]
Nothing frightening at all about making a man look after his child.

What is with this obsession around stepmums “taking responsibility”?

and seen his dad's face when they arrived etc
She’s not in charge of his face. He can sort that out himself too.

SpringsSprung · 13/04/2022 22:50

I think this is the first time I've actually felt relieved that my DC will never have a Step Mother

grapewines · 13/04/2022 22:54

Probably time to reconsider the relationship. There must be an atmosphere in that house if he thinks it's OK to tell you to fuck off in front of the children. Not much fun for them.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 13/04/2022 22:56

It's more than feasible that OP's parents would have looked after the younger two DC, but having DSS staying swung the decision into OP taking time off. Who knows? There's only so many questions you can preemptively address in an opening post.

@SpringsSprung if OP had posted that she'd decided DSS needed a haircut so had taken him for a grade 1 and couldn't understand why DSS's mum was unhappy about it, would you be defending the OP as she was simply treating DSS equally to her own? Because I've seen various threads over the years in that vein yet no one ever seems as keen to say the stepmum had every right to make that decision because faaamily...

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