I finally had enough today

[PuddleSticks]

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OPs husband wont be reconsidering the marrige at all. He has free childcare and if he did leave would need to find free children for all 3 of his kids.

OP from now on don’t bother taking time off for DSS’s school holidays to be childcare.

Your H and his ex, the parents of the child can plan childcare. You’ve got your DC to think about, because your H doesn’t bother himself with parenting them either.

I don't get at all the criticism for taking his son to his work if DSS doesn't mind. It really isn't a massive deal and certainly not traumatic. A lot of over exaggeration.

I'm a bit confused by the set up though. Why would you take time off to look after your step child? Surely the main incentive was to spend time with your own kids and it happened that you say you didn't mind looking after SC too?

Ultimately, there is more to the story and what the argument was about.

Issues of step parents/children aside, I admire your guts of sticking it to him. For fairness though, you should have dropped all three children off at his work before checking yourself into a spa for a couple of days.

I love your resolve and conviction OP. I asked the question ‘why are you using your ss as a weapon?’ right at the start of the thread…because that’s how it read to me with nothing else to go on. You filled in the details since and I am 100% behind you. Sod the martyrs here…the bleeding hearts. You are right.

what the argument was about

The original argument was nothing whatsoever to do with the children or childcare so I didn't think it necessary to go into on the thread. It was a small issue that got blown up into something stupid.

Why would you take time off to look after your step child? Surely the main incentive was to spend time with your own kids and it happened that you say you didn't mind looking after SC too?

I take time off in the holidays sometimes as we don't get funded nursery hours for toddler during that time. I don't always do it as he can still go to nursery or sometimes my parents have them. H uses this as a reason why he doesn't need to take any time off for DSS if I'm off. He'll never also suggest that he be the one to take time off with all 3!

He'll never also suggest that he be the one to take time off with all 3! I know you have enough on your plate right now but that needs to change by the time your child is at school as the holidays are so long you both need to plan it so you are using your time efficiently for your child.

And if he doesn't want to see his child in the holidays maybe he should reconsider his contact arrangement (and the maintenance if that changes the number of days). Are your finances fully shared, if not have you considered giving him an invoice for your childcare.

If your DH hasn't apologised by now for his disgusting behaviour, it doesn't bode well for the relationship OP.

My EXDP regularly used to belittle me (though not swear at me) in front of our DC. I started making plans to leave when me then 4 year old began to mimic him, while EXDP laughed. Lucky I got out early enough that my DC no longer do this.

Your DH sounds entitled to your time, and I bet he doesn't appreciate what you are doing for him in taking your annual leave to look after his DC. Like a few posters here, it sounds like he expects it. You weren't wrong OP, I'd have done exactly the same thing in stopping favours for someone who clearly does not respect me.

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Today 08:07NotTheOW

Either that, or to earn the money for the first family to continue their lifestyle seamlessly while living in two homes. this is so true. According to some posters my sole purpose is to service the needs of the "first family"it seems!
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Today 08:25lemongreentea

OPs husband wont be reconsidering the marrige at all. He has free childcare and if he did leave would need to find free children for all 3 of his kids.
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Today 08:31frazzledasarock

OP from now on don’t bother taking time off for DSS’s school holidays to be childcare.

Your H and his ex, the parents of the child can plan childcare. You’ve got your DC to think about, because your H doesn’t bother himself with parenting them either.
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Today 08:41vivainsomnia

I don't get at all the criticism for taking his son to his work if DSS doesn't mind. It really isn't a massive deal and certainly not traumatic. A lot of over exaggeration.

I'm a bit confused by the set up though. Why would you take time off to look after your step child? Surely the main incentive was to spend time with your own kids and it happened that you say you didn't mind looking after SC too?

Ultimately, there is more to the story and what the argument was about.
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Today 08:45Tiddlesthecat

Issues of step parents/children aside, I admire your guts of sticking it to him. For fairness though, you should have dropped all three children off at his work before checking yourself into a spa for a couple of days.
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Today 08:51pictish

I love your resolve and conviction OP. I asked the question ‘why are you using your ss as a weapon?’ right at the start of the thread…because that’s how it read to me with nothing else to go on. You filled in the details since and I am 100% behind you. Sod the martyrs here…the bleeding hearts. You are right.

Me too OP.

Has your husband apologised for his behaviour yet?

@PuddleSticks just a note to say that you sound like my type of person op and as tough as nails. Takes a lot of guts to stand up to a bully. Even more when your married to one.

I never understood the subtle MN victim blaming that happens on here or apologists that rock up when someone shares they being verbally abused. I suppose some peoples bar does what is acceptable is very low.

Enjoy your new "coat"

There's a concurrent thread where a step parent has been taken advantage (albeit in a much more serious way) and people are advocating for dropping the DSC into care. Yet in this case some people think it's cruel to take a child to their parent ...

Probably different posters.
It's very much the luck of the draw.

This thread is hilarious... some people 🙄 OP, I absolutely agree with what you did. It was completely a FAVOUR as it is not your responsibility to provide any care for DSS. Someone said up thread that if you dropped your own toddler off to nursery and proceeded to tell the staff to Fuck Off in front of the kids then you would be sent packing along with your DC. This is no different and I admire your boundaries 👏

Have you spoken to your husband as of yet?

I'm fascinated by the mindset that's been put forward on this board repeatedly, which is basically that 'when you marry a man with children they become your responsibilty' and 'you must love them as your own' and 'you must treat them equally in all matters'. All this, even where the children involved have a living mother very much in their lives (with parental responsibility) as well as dad's new wife (who doesn't have parental responsibility). Sometimes this mindset comes into play where there isn't a new wife, but rather a girlfriend/partner.

This 'philosophy' seems so against both women's best interests, whether they be financial, emotional, psychological or legal.

I wonder where this 'philosophy' came from? Because if you pick it apart you're left with women standing there with 'mug' or 'trainee mug' written on their heads, and other women scolding them while men go about their days under the radar.

you have to address your dh swearing at you in front of dc op.

taking dss to his work place seems like a tit for tat in this situation and as it is regards to a child it sounds a bit off.
the dss while may seem unbothered but i wouldnt count on it. internally he may be upset.

Do you like your husband?

I'm a step-mum to a 9 year old DSS and I wouldn't have done this.

Yes I'd be livid with my DH for talking to me that way, but it's nothing to do with DSS. And at 9 they most definitely can read into situations.

Saying that I don't often look after him alone. His Dad doesn't expect it and I only do it if I've offered when DH is working and I'm not.

@SpinningMeSoftly

I'm fascinated by the mindset that's been put forward on this board repeatedly, which is basically that 'when you marry a man with children they become your responsibilty' and 'you must love them as your own' and 'you must treat them equally in all matters'. All this, even where the children involved have a living mother very much in their lives (with parental responsibility) as well as dad's new wife (who doesn't have parental responsibility). Sometimes this mindset comes into play where there isn't a new wife, but rather a girlfriend/partner.

This 'philosophy' seems so against both women's best interests, whether they be financial, emotional, psychological or legal.

I wonder where this 'philosophy' came from? Because if you pick it apart you're left with women standing there with 'mug' or 'trainee mug' written on their heads, and other women scolding them while men go about their days under the radar.

Exactly this. When I first got together with my DH, I was upbraided by my DSD's mum when I'd barely even moved in, and long before my DH and I were married, for not providing her (i.e. DSD's mum) with enough free childcare. I think there are quite a few people with her mindset posting on MN.

When I first got together with my DH, I was upbraided by my DSD's mum when I'd barely even moved in, and long before my DH and I were married, for not providing her (i.e. DSD's mum) with enough free childcare. I think there are quite a few people with her mindset posting on MN.

I sometimes think there are couples that split up almost with intention of outsourcing childcare without having to pay for it!

I sometimes think there are couples that split up almost with intention of outsourcing childcare without having to pay for it! ha! Maybe! A perk of divorce.

There certainly are plenty of men whose main motive to remarry is to find a new skivvy to facilitate his life again so he doesn't have to do any child care, pay less maintenance and have her additional income.

Meets younger women. Agrees to have a baby or two as he knows he doesn't have to actually do anything.

@RantyAunty

There certainly are plenty of men whose main motive to remarry is to find a new skivvy to facilitate his life again so he doesn't have to do any child care, pay less maintenance and have her additional income.

Meets younger women. Agrees to have a baby or two as he knows he doesn't have to actually do anything.

And we have one in charge of the country right now.

He even tried to get someone else to pay for his wallpaper.

@RantyAunty

There certainly are plenty of men whose main motive to remarry is to find a new skivvy to facilitate his life again so he doesn't have to do any child care, pay less maintenance and have her additional income.

Meets younger women. Agrees to have a baby or two as he knows he doesn't have to actually do anything.

Absolutely this.

An women queueing up for it too.

Mind you I don't believe women with self esteem get caught up in this bullshit.

Low self esteem is key here.

Yes I'd be livid with my DH for talking to me that way, but it's nothing to do with DSS. And at 9 they most definitely can read into situations.
Well his dad should have thought about how his son would read into witnessing his sm being told to Fuck Off in front of him & his half siblings!!!! Fantastic role modelling he's doing there! Op did better role modelling by showing him a woman not prepared to be a doormat!
Jesus wept - sms can do no right on this board!