I finally had enough today

[PuddleSticks]

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

@TiddleyWink

So many posters on here bleat on and on about how step parents get all the hate, blah blah blah. The ‘hate’ Op is getting is because of her gross behaviour, nothing to do with being a step parent. Had she behaved like that to her own child i and I’m sure other posters would be saying the same. She and her husband both sound awful. The fact she’s a step parent is totally irrelevant despite some peoples’ desperation to hide behind that as the apparent reason for any criticism they get. So tedious.

Except her behaviour wasn't gross. Very silly to describe it thus.

Ridiculous to describe taking a child to his father to be looked after as gross.

Give yourself a shake, FFS.

@poulicey

You sound petty and vindictive. The child didn't do anything wrong. And no it isn't considered a "favour" in normal, healthy families where sc are integrated to family as they should be. You might not like looking after kids, we all are fed up and tired from time to time, but here you are singling out one child, who is indeed part of your family, to avenge something his father did. Immoral behaviour. Even if the kid thinks he's having a fun day out, and even if it is so, you know your intentions, and there fore it doesn't change the wrongfulness.

Plenty of healthy, normal families where people are perfectly happy to take responsibility for their own kids, thanks.

I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC

I'm curious - how much time has he taken off over Easter to look after his kids?

It sounds as though you’re really being taken for granted. He has no right to talk to you like that especially infront of the DC’s.
Does he often talk to you like that and send you rude messages?

This relationship sounds awful.

You were arguing and then he swore at you in front of the kids. So you chose to use his child as a weapon and get one back on him. And now you plan to ignore him completely.

The entire thing is ridiculous and not the behaviour of adults in a loving relationship especially when there are kids around.

Maybe spend the time at your parents to decide whether this relationship is right for you or not.

I wouldn't have done that - and I am a step parent.

But I would have taken him to task for swearing at me and when he got back from work I'd be saying if that ever happens again, I'm gone.

Don't think it was fair to use dss like that to make a point. And however you badge it, you did take him to his work to make a point. (No childcare for you, cos you were a dick) and that's not fair to dss. He's not a dog you can drop off when you don't want to look after him anymore.

I think a conversation away from the kids needed to happen. Don't put them in the middle, you or your dh.

are you not looking after your own children during the school holidays? Why should looking after DSS be any different? Have you only 'had enough' because its not your child you are looking after? If I had a step child, I would treat them as my own, including looking after them whilst their dad worked (unless of course I also worked). I think you sound horrid and trying to pass this off as another issue when its clearly not.

Y are massively BU to use a child as a weapon

@JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue

are you not looking after your own children during the school holidays? Why should looking after DSS be any different? Have you only 'had enough' because its not your child you are looking after? If I had a step child, I would treat them as my own, including looking after them whilst their dad worked (unless of course I also worked). I think you sound horrid and trying to pass this off as another issue when its clearly not.

If I treated my DSC as "my own" they would be well freaked out. Each family is different.

@TiddleyWink

So many posters on here bleat on and on about how step parents get all the hate, blah blah blah. The ‘hate’ Op is getting is because of her gross behaviour, nothing to do with being a step parent. Had she behaved like that to her own child i and I’m sure other posters would be saying the same. She and her husband both sound awful. The fact she’s a step parent is totally irrelevant despite some peoples’ desperation to hide behind that as the apparent reason for any criticism they get. So tedious.

You know why people would say the same if it was her child. Because she has parental responsibility and the right to do everything a parent does. It's parental reasonability to provide childcare. She's doing him a favour and if you act badly don't expect people to do you favours.

There is a parent in this story and that's not the OP. A step parent has 0 parental rights to but expected to act like a childminder with less rights than one and not to get paid.

Odd also that even when the parent cause a situation where the child was viewing their SP being sworn at is still somehow the SM fault.

This is why posters bleat on about double standards on this board.

And im a mum.

@JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue

are you not looking after your own children during the school holidays? Why should looking after DSS be any different? Have you only 'had enough' because its not your child you are looking after? If I had a step child, I would treat them as my own, including looking after them whilst their dad worked (unless of course I also worked). I think you sound horrid and trying to pass this off as another issue when its clearly not.

Because looking after her own children is her job as a parent whereas looking after her step child is doing a favour for someone who's treating her like shit?

Because often step parents don't have the authority to discipline their step children making looking after them much more of a hardship?

Because looking after other people's kids is just a chore the way looking after your own is not?

"If I had a step child, I would treat them as my own" - meaning you're speaking purely from judgemental, idealistic fantasy rather than actual experience of the situation.

@TheDuchess1979

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair at times but the kids are part of the deal. Feel free to moan about it, but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.

Of course op can refuse responsibility 🙄. It's her husbands child. She can choose to have zero anything to with the child. It's entirely her decision.

Good on you op I would've done the same thing.

@MajorCarolDanvers

Y are massively BU to use a child as a weapon

Why did the dad use his own child as a weapon to humiliate his wife ?

She returned DSC to his dad and has already stated several times DSC likes going to his dads work. Let's not pretend like she put him under the stairs...

I'm also not seeing why DSC spending time with their own parent is being seen as a punishment

I can understand you being pissed off with your husband but you did, IMO, use his son as a weapon in today's battle.

What reason did you give DSS as you were taking him to his Dad's work?

Surely when the boy is in your home he's part of the family unit?

What a shit relationship for you all to be part of.Poor children hearing dad speak like that to mum.

It’s not “free childcare” or “a favour” to look after your step son. I think you’ve been out of order on this one. And I’ve been a step-parent for over 20 years.

It's not a favour only if you assume she has nothing else to do with her time.

It is a favour as he would have had to mind DSS if she had, for instance, already made plans to go somewhere with the baby and toddler, visit her mother, etc. It was asked of her as a favour, and she already has a baby and toddler on her hands. It's hard to keep kids happy and occupied with an age gap over three years. What she was asked to do was quite a lot of extra work.

No good deed goes unpunished, apparently.

@lemongreentea

*This is entirely on the DP for not realising he was creating an untenable situation for the childcare arrangement to go ahead, not the person with no responsibility for not being the bigger person in the face of it.*

I agree with this 100%

I agree too.

Far worse for her step son to be cared for by his father, is hearing his father shouting to OP to "fxxk off".

I appreciate this maybe normal conversation in some MN homes, but it really isn't acceptable in a lot of others.

It is an awful way to speak to your partner, even more shockingly in front of children.

He was appallingly aggressive in his speech to the OP.

I hope she has done exactly as he suggested and has gone to her parents.

He's a foul mouthed pig and if OP accepts this treatment, all she will get from scum like him, is more of it.

We teach people how to treat us.

@PuddleSticks

Well done. Everybody needs boundaries (re. your H in this case).

The fact that you’ve said ‘…finally had enough’ means this is not the first time he’s disrespected you.

Him looking after his own child at his place of work as he is the boss/self-employed is not punishment for the child. The child is older and enjoys hanging at with their Dad at their workplace.
Some working couples of us have to do this with other DC (take DC to workplaces) as life is busy with appointments, etc even though one parent may be off work during the holidays.

Nobody should be allowed to treat you like shit and then continue to take you for granted. Short, sharp shocks like this will make him think twice before he pulls another stunt like that. Speaking to you like that in front of the DC moves the argument into a different territory. H was bang out of order and you had had enough.

Stay over at your parents if you feel the need to do so. Let H stew whilst you have time to think about the best course of action for you and all of your children.

Poor child.

You shouldn't have done that. Its awful to use him in that way to get your own back.

By all means refuse childcare the next day but dont dump him like that.

Why does this boil down to free childcare concerns for some PP?

He should have bloody thought of that before he told his partner to F off in front of the DC!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you (free childcare).

Women - Please value yourselves and your time. Just because the time you give is unpaid albeit for your own DC/step DC, it does not mean it is not work or it should not be valued, appreciated or given in exchange for something else. All relationships are transactional to a point.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Poor child.

You shouldn't have done that. Its awful to use him in that way to get your own back.

By all means refuse childcare the next day but dont dump him like that.

Dumped with his own parent?!

Poor children being dumped on their Fathers lol.

I don’t think you’ve done anything to deserve any criticism here OP.
You’ve done nothing to put your SS in harms way, only to inconvenience your husband and deservedly so after his behaviour. People are just seeing it that way as they obviously have some preconceived idea that you’re deliberately trying to harm your SD which just shows their own cognitive bias against stepmums more than anything else….

Childish tommy rot. All this tit-for-tat behaviour. I despair.