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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 22:58

@SpringsSprung

I think this is the first time I've actually felt relieved that my DC will never have a Step Mother
Good for you 🙄

Now I'll head over to the Lone Parents board and tell them all the reasons I'm relieved my child will never have a single mum.

candlesandpitchforks · 13/04/2022 23:03

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]**@SpringsSprung

Back to Gilead with you. Stepmothers are not handmaids![/quote]

Blessed be the fruit ! ;) or to op Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum @SpaceshiptoMars

The irony of the pp making the situation into some type of Harry Potter story and actually having no idea of what a blended family takes since they aren't in one, yet commenting heavily what is considered outrageous

Also @SpringsSprung - I don't think you can say never, since you can't control what goes down in someone's house... I think the phrase you were looking for is never say never 🙂

fireburnsbright · 13/04/2022 23:13

@SpringsSprung
I find it interesting that because a stepmother has chosen after being verbally abused by her husband to take her SS to her husband’s work, leaving him in a place of safety and where he was happy, you think it is ok to denegrate all other stepmothers. I think this says a lot about your judgement and bias. You know nothing of the backstory here and yet you seem very keen to criticise someone who you clearly know nothing about

ldontWanna · 13/04/2022 23:26

Funny how on "normal" threads the first suggestion when the husband/partner is being an arse,disrespectful,not appreciating OP etc. there are tens of replies telling her to dump the kids on him so he can see how it is,force him to take responsibility for his kids and so on. Not just that,but if OP is reluctant she gets berated and told off and called weak and a doormat.

A step mum does it and she's suddenly Cruella de Vil, secretly plotting her new step child coat while dancing on her husbands grave.

Because making a father spend time with and be responsible for their own child is a punishment.Hmm The poor child will forever be traumatised for spending a few hours watching Netflix in dad's office and being "helpful". The horror of it all!!

CircusBaby · 13/04/2022 23:30

It's the kind of shitty stunt my exh pulled when he was step dad to my DC. Hope your DH has taken today to reconsider the marriage tbh. Of course he shouldn't have sworn at you but you used his son to score ooh ta against him. That's pretty low.

And for everyone saying all that happened was the boy spent the day with his dad at work, you all know very well that's not all that happened, you're being purposefully obtuse. A child was used as a pawn in OPs relationship. That's what happened. Twist it around anyway you like it won't change that fact.

funinthesun19 · 13/04/2022 23:37

Hope your DH has taken today to reconsider the marriage tbh.

Hopefully the OP has too.

ldontWanna · 13/04/2022 23:38

@CircusBaby

It's the kind of shitty stunt my exh pulled when he was step dad to my DC. Hope your DH has taken today to reconsider the marriage tbh. Of course he shouldn't have sworn at you but you used his son to score ooh ta against him. That's pretty low.

And for everyone saying all that happened was the boy spent the day with his dad at work, you all know very well that's not all that happened, you're being purposefully obtuse. A child was used as a pawn in OPs relationship. That's what happened. Twist it around anyway you like it won't change that fact.

If it's so bad why is it the go to response and advice for women in non blended families? Man been a prick? Leave the kids with him or fuck off and let him figure out childcare and go to a spa/see a friend/go for a walk/go to the gym/whatever .
Nowomenaroundeh · 13/04/2022 23:43

Good for you OP!

CircusBaby · 13/04/2022 23:52

@funinthesun19

Hope your DH has taken today to reconsider the marriage tbh.

Hopefully the OP has too.

I do agree. Tbh the whole relationship sounds like it's become toxic, especially when a 9yo has been dragged into it.
frazzledasarock · 14/04/2022 00:11

I never get the hand wringing over a father parenting his own child!

And step mothers caring for step children is always a favour and childcare. Fact.

The child has two parents the step parent is an adult in their life who has no parental responsibility towards step child whatsoever. So anything a step parent does is most certainly a favour to the the parents.

So many people on here view the step mother (and it’s always the step mother), as the drudge who should be grateful for doing the shitty childcare bits because ‘she knew what she was getting into’

The same posters would have seven different kinds of fits if the step mum decided to rock up to parents evening/have a say in the child’s schooling/medical decisions/want to sit on the top table at stepchild’s wedding etc.

I really want to cheer for you OP. Your husband was told he doesn’t have an unpaid skivvy who will do all the drudgery freeing him up to swan about swearing at you and absolving himself of parenting his own child.

Parents should parent their own kids. And if they rely on a partner to do them the massive favour of giving up their time to provide free childcare for them, they should be very very grateful.

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 14/04/2022 06:54

[quote SpringsSprung]**@PuddleSticks* I may even go spend the night at my parents with the DC.*

But not the step son though of course! Just the ones which YOU gave birth to! Hmm[/quote]
Well yes... Why would I disappear to my parents with my step son? You honestly think I should have left H a note telling him I'd fucked off with his and his exes child?

I did stay at my mum's last night and it was lovely. And H and SS had a nice evening in together. Although I'm sure you'll all feel heartbreakingly sorry for the poor guy that he had to spend the evening alone with his own Dad Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddleSticks · 14/04/2022 06:55

No... You said you've taken precious holiday time to look after your own children. Now you're twisting it to sound like you took holiday time to look after your stepson...

My children are in nursery. They don't have school holidays. I took time off to help H with childcare. YES... I said help because that's what it is, a favour, a help to him. Shoot me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddleSticks · 14/04/2022 06:59

@SpringsSprung

I think this is the first time I've actually felt relieved that my DC will never have a Step Mother
I'm sure we are all mightly relieved we won't be your DCs step mother too. As you seem to think it's our responsibility to parent for you.
OP posts:
Original poster
PuddleSticks · 14/04/2022 07:04

@CircusBaby

It's the kind of shitty stunt my exh pulled when he was step dad to my DC. Hope your DH has taken today to reconsider the marriage tbh. Of course he shouldn't have sworn at you but you used his son to score ooh ta against him. That's pretty low.

And for everyone saying all that happened was the boy spent the day with his dad at work, you all know very well that's not all that happened, you're being purposefully obtuse. A child was used as a pawn in OPs relationship. That's what happened. Twist it around anyway you like it won't change that fact.

The kind of stunt he pulled after being verbally abused by you???

Good on him then!

If not then it's not the same situation is it.

OP posts:
NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 07:04

Sounds good OP. Gives them 1 to 1 time to connect which we are always told is important.

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 14/04/2022 07:08

Cruella De Vill in her new step child coat 🤣🤣🤣 love that.

If anyone is desperate to know the situation re the annual leave / holiday. We only get funded hours during term time at nursery for the toddler so sometimes, not all the time, I take a day or two off or my parents will watch them (yes them and not SS - oh the horror).

H likes to take advantage of this and thinks it absolves him of ever needing to take time off himself. Note he doesn't take time off to look after our DC either.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddleSticks · 14/04/2022 07:09

@NotTheOW

Sounds good OP. Gives them 1 to 1 time to connect which we are always told is important.
No obviously I should have taken DSS too! Never mind he's not my DC and I don't actually have any right to take him anywhere certainly not overnight. I should have taken all the children to my parents so poor H could lick his wounds in peace alone at home.
OP posts:
NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 07:13

I should have taken all the children to my parents so poor H could lick his wounds in peace alone at home. yes and if your set up is anything like mine I'm sure your DS would have loved to stay round someone else's grandparents house where they don't really know them that well due to only having EOW and holiday contact and not coming into their lives until they were a bit older. Rather than stay with THEIR OWN DAD.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 07:13

DSS even

LollyLol · 14/04/2022 07:15

I don’t think you weaponised your dss. I think you sent a clear message to your DH you won’t meekly take his abuse and favours get withdrawn in that situation. Your DSS is not your own child and you do not have parental responsibility; your DH does. If he had yelled “f off” at a childminder in front of the kids, I imagine there would have been a consequence there too. He doesn’t get to swear at you just because you’re in a relationship.

5128gap · 14/04/2022 07:27

I think its perfectly possible to believe that the argument was not your fault OP, and the welfare of your DS is not your responsibility, while at the same time thinking what you did, while understandable, was not be the best course of action. Which tbf, is why you posted for opinions?
Your H sounds like a really horrible man. He hasn't become that overnight and he's not going to change from a morning of inconvenience. Nor imo should you try to change behaviour through punishment, as it doesn't address the issue, just leads to a constant battle ground of you did this, so I'll do that, which is not what a relationship should look like. A grown man is not a child to be taught a lesson or a puppy to train by rubbing his nose in it. Its way too late for that, his character is formed.
In your shoes I would not be staying with him.
Your gesture may have been empowering, but its a temporary victory. It won't bring about a long term resolution to that level of intrinsic disrespect, and if its a pattern, will turn the child into collateral damage. Which isn't your fault or responsibility, but still better avoided.
Its also puts the focus onto your behaviour. Its all become about what you did, on one occasion, which is a red herring, because the most pertinent part is how badly you're treated on many occasions. I don't think that will change, however much you try to fight back.

billy1966 · 14/04/2022 07:34

Well done OP.

Start as you mean to go.
Stay where you are and avoid him and his foul mouth.

I never get the horror on MN when it suggested a man spend time looking after his own child.

SM's sole reason for being on MN is to be free childcare without daring ever to think they are anything more than unpaid childcare.

Focus on your two young children, you have enough on your plate.Flowers

Mummybear888 · 14/04/2022 07:46

Actions speak louder than words, and so the OP had to do what she has to do to make an impact with the husband. That child is his responsibility and shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

@PuddleSticks it's awful that he has been an arse to you. Can't believe he told you to eff off, and in front of the children too - what an animal. I hope you are ok and the issue gets resolved soon.

Taking care of a baby, toddler and a 9 year old is hard work (and unpaid too). I don't see any harm in dropping off the dss at the Dad's work, if he will be happy playing computer games/watching Netflix.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/04/2022 07:53

SM's sole reason for being on MN is to be free childcare without daring ever to think they are anything more than unpaid childcare.

Either that, or to earn the money for the first family to continue their lifestyle seamlessly while living in two homes.

Depressing, isn't it?

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 08:07

Either that, or to earn the money for the first family to continue their lifestyle seamlessly while living in two homes. this is so true. According to some posters my sole purpose is to service the needs of the "first family"it seems!