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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
Tillsforthrills · 13/04/2022 20:39

How is him looking after his son a ‘weapon’ if the son enjoys it there and doesn’t mind? Fgs!

Queenoftheashes · 13/04/2022 20:51

My heart breaks for that boy 😂😂😂
He’s hardly getting sent up chimneys

bruce43mydog · 13/04/2022 21:10

Dont blame you, I would off done the same xX

AnnesBrokenSlate · 13/04/2022 21:13

Your DH being an arse and swearing at you has nothing to do with your DSS. You're framing it as though it was DSS's dad that swore at you so DSS gets punished too. But he's your DH. You made a commitment to a child and then reneged on it because your DH swore at you.
I don't have a problem with DCs being in the office during holidays. I've had to do it lots of times and so does DH. But going back on your commitment to a child isn't marking a healthy boundary. It's just shit and petty. A better boundary would be to tell your DH he can't come back tonight and that if he speaks to you like that again then the relationship is over.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/04/2022 21:15

Not exactly sure how 'dropping DSS off to his dad's work where he can watch Netflix and play games all day' is any worse than 'tell husband you're going out for the day and turn off your phone'?

Oh yes I get it, it's because DSS isn't OP's child Hmm.

Hope things work themselves out for the better @PuddleSticks. You've done nothing wrong here.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/04/2022 21:17

@AnnesBrokenSlate

Your DH being an arse and swearing at you has nothing to do with your DSS. You're framing it as though it was DSS's dad that swore at you so DSS gets punished too. But he's your DH. You made a commitment to a child and then reneged on it because your DH swore at you. I don't have a problem with DCs being in the office during holidays. I've had to do it lots of times and so does DH. But going back on your commitment to a child isn't marking a healthy boundary. It's just shit and petty. A better boundary would be to tell your DH he can't come back tonight and that if he speaks to you like that again then the relationship is over.
No she's not.

The commitment was to look after DSS for the benefit of her husband. She had no commitment to the child.

And if she did - how is it better to tell the child's actual parent not to come home that night?! Absolute craziness.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 21:17

You made a commitment to a child and then reneged on it because your DH swore at you.

No, she made a commitment to his dad that she would watch him for him. And then he ceased to deserve it.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:20

You made a commitment to a child and then reneged on it because your DH swore at you. she made a commitment to a child's parent. The parent then swore at her. Deal is off.

RealBecca · 13/04/2022 21:21

Why didn't you take one of the other kids too? Oh yeah, because its only THAT child he is solely responsible for. You would never have taken the other two to him.

Horrible.

You are as bad as each other.

End it for everyone's sake, it is so dysfunctional.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:21

And while I'm sure OP is lovely I expect the kid would be happier with their dad seeing as that's what contact time is for.

funinthesun19 · 13/04/2022 21:21

are you not looking after your own children during the school holidays? Why should looking after DSS be any different?

It’s different because she’s their mum and therefore has a responsibility towards them. The relationship is also completely different too.

Have you only 'had enough' because its not your child you are looking after?

There you go you said it yourself. Not her child.
To be honest, I can’t blame the op for not wanting to look after his child in these circumstances where her dh is being difficult and nasty. It’s not tit for tat, it’s a woman putting her boundaries up against a man who is treating her like shit. That’s not taking it out on his child either - it’s saying, “I’m not making YOUR life easier as a parent when you have absolutely no respect for me whatsoever.” Nothing wrong with making a man take responsibility for his own child. And nothing damaging in that deal for the child either.

He went to be with his father. I presume his father works somewhere that allows this and his father won’t be too far away from him. He would have been fine.

lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 21:28

All the people berating you perhaps dont get that this man is abusive and this is the final straw for you OP.

Hope you have gone to your parents and can confide in them how abusive your husband is and make plans to leave him as I get the impression this isnt the first time he has sworn at you but maybe the first time swearing in front of the children?

BoredZelda · 13/04/2022 21:34

What? By dropping them off with their own dad for one afternoon?

By witnessing their father and step mother having a fight, seeing him shout at her to fuck off, then them being bundled in the car and being dropped off at his office whilst he is in a foul mood and them being aware they are an inconvenience to their father (and step mother) because despite your protestations about it, that’s likely how he would have felt today.

So, erm…well done?

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:46

@BoredZelda

What? By dropping them off with their own dad for one afternoon?

By witnessing their father and step mother having a fight, seeing him shout at her to fuck off, then them being bundled in the car and being dropped off at his office whilst he is in a foul mood and them being aware they are an inconvenience to their father (and step mother) because despite your protestations about it, that’s likely how he would have felt today.

So, erm…well done?

Or, if framed the right way to the child now, he has learnt that if you swear at someone doing you a favour then they will no longer feel obliged to do that favour.
Kanaloa · 13/04/2022 21:49

He sounds like trash. To be honest rather than dropping dss off at his work I would have been really concerned about what I was going to do long term. A dad telling a mum to fuck off in front of all the kids then sending her nasty messages when she’s at home caring for his son and their two small children is abhorrent. I couldn’t cope with it personally.

Kanaloa · 13/04/2022 21:51

And I don’t think this is the type of man you can ‘fix.’ If he thinks it’s ok to tell you to fuck off and verbally abuse you while you’re providing childcare for him during his contact time then that’s like an inherent part of his personality.

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/04/2022 21:53

@NotTheOW

And while I'm sure OP is lovely I expect the kid would be happier with their dad seeing as that's what contact time is for.
Exactly. The number of posts elsewhere from Mums who are furious when their ex demands EOW or 50/50 and then dumps their most precious people on a complete stranger. How DARE the ex deprive them of 50% of their child's childhood only to make them spend it with some woman who will never appreciate them.....
WindyKnickers · 13/04/2022 21:54

Back in the 80s my mum dropped me off at my dad's work due to some row they'd had about him not pulling his weight. I would have been about the same age as the SS in this case. I had no idea about the row at the time but I remember my dad had no warning. I was left with his secretary and allowed to do colouring and muck about with the office supplies. He was a Director of a v large company back then and clearly thought himself above childcare. My mum reminded me of it recently and told me the back story. My memory of the event is that it was fun and i felt like I was springing a great surprise on my dad. His colleagues thought it was hilarious, my dad was probably really pissed off but I'm sure he deserved it. Anyway, I'm sure the SS, is happy enough.

lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 22:00

OP I don't think you will get any sensible answers on the step-parenting board. Maybe make a new thread in relationships and get out whats going on with your thoughts about your abusive husband. It might help give you the strength to leave him. Good luck Flowers

BadNomad · 13/04/2022 22:01

I'm in the "well done!" camp too. Maybe he'll realise now that if you ever leave him he's going to have to find childcare for all 3 of his children during contact time in the holidays. Hopefully he'll think twice next time before speaking in such a disgusting manner to his wife in front of his children.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 13/04/2022 22:04

Does the OP really need to spell out that she undoubtedly would have dressed the situation up as something exciting for DSS especially as he's had fun with dad at work before, as opposed to "come on get in the car you little shit, let's dump you on your dad to piss him off." And if the boy's dad was in a mood, then he can bloody well fake it till he makes it in the same way that OP would have been expected to had DSS stayed for with her for the day.

SingleMomDevon · 13/04/2022 22:08

Being a step child,. Is nothing like being a step parent.
And when you've given birth to your own children, there is no way you can be expected to treat SC as your own.
In an ideal world great, but in realitybeing a SM is the single most thankless job there is .

7eleven · 13/04/2022 22:09

Dress it up however you like, but you used your dss as a weapon to piss off your twat of a husband. Not cool in my book.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 13/04/2022 22:14

I'd have dropped all 3 with him and fucked off out for the day

WindyKnickers · 13/04/2022 22:16

I think most people (women really) go into step-parenting with no clue as to how hard it really is or will become. And I absolutely take my hat off to the people (women mostly) who manage it well. But let's not forget they had a choice in the first place and every day they make a choice to continue to be a step parent. If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen.

The step kids have no such choice.

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