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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
TheDuchess1979 · 13/04/2022 16:26

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair at times but the kids are part of the deal. Feel free to moan about it, but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.

Theyellowflamingo · 13/04/2022 16:27

How are you financially if he goes “ok, I’m not working until school goes back then, I’ll look after DSS”? Or if his inconvenience/ruined day loses you income?

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 16:28

but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.

But I can...

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 13/04/2022 16:28

@TheDuchess1979

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair at times but the kids are part of the deal. Feel free to moan about it, but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.
No they don't. If they did then step parents would expect to have equal say in parenting decisions which tends not go down well ...
Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 16:29

@Theyellowflamingo

How are you financially if he goes “ok, I’m not working until school goes back then, I’ll look after DSS”? Or if his inconvenience/ruined day loses you income?
Financially it's fine.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 16:30

@TheDuchess1979

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair at times but the kids are part of the deal. Feel free to moan about it, but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.
No they don't, and yes you can.

I wouldn't look after anyone's kids who wasn't polite and grateful.

MissMaple82 · 13/04/2022 16:33

Poor child, its not his fault. You are in the wring here. By all means stop the childcare from after today!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/04/2022 16:35

Whatever.
Dss 9 will be able to tell the difference between going to work with his Dad, and being taken there after a full blown row.

Lookoflove · 13/04/2022 16:37

You'll never get support on here OP. It's the only board where you can't say your true feelings without everyone telling you that SC are your responsibility or that your DC need to give up their bedrooms so SC can have their own space or that your family must buy SC the same amount of presents for birthday / Christmas as their own grandchildren.
Good for you. 'D'H child isn't your responsibility. Let him and the mother sort it out and tell him to sort his language out!

WonderfulYou · 13/04/2022 16:38

He was a dick but you were an even bigger one.

It’s not fair that you took out your frustration on a kid.

It sounds like you both have a bad relationship and I feel sorry for the kids stuck in the middle.

AndAsIfByMagic · 13/04/2022 16:38

Well done, OP.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 16:42

@WonderfulYou

He was a dick but you were an even bigger one.

It’s not fair that you took out your frustration on a kid.

It sounds like you both have a bad relationship and I feel sorry for the kids stuck in the middle.

I wonder if people would say that if he'd shouted at his mum similarly before expecting childcare from her.
NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 16:43

@TheDuchess1979

It’s not “free childcare” or “a favour” to look after your step son. I think you’ve been out of order on this one. And I’ve been a step-parent for over 20 years.
Yes it is!
NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 13/04/2022 16:44

@TheDuchess1979

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair at times but the kids are part of the deal. Feel free to moan about it, but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.
Nope, nope, nopr.

They have two parents already. You are the bonus parent, if you choose to be.

The OP has every right to refuse to look after someone else's child, even if she is married to that someone else. No-one - not even your husband - has the right to demand childcare from a person for their children, unless that person chooses to give it. You marry the man, not the kids.

Obviously, in a marriage, you'd try to be helpful and pull together as a family. But not when the OH is behaving like this one.

Oh, and I've been a stepmother for nearly 30 years.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 16:44

@TheDuchess1979

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair at times but the kids are part of the deal. Feel free to moan about it, but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.
No they dont. And yes you can.
DaisyBD · 13/04/2022 16:45

When you marry someone with kids, the kids become your responsibility, too.

No they absolutely do not. DH and I both had children when we married, all children have extant parents outwith our blended family. I have no rights over how DH's children are brought up, and I don't expect him to take responsibility for mine, either financially or in any other way. Obviously we help each other out, and care for all the children (including the half siblings, step siblings, exes' kids etc) as we are not arseholes, and we don't tell each other to fuck off over disagreements (well only once and not when the kids were around, and we made up quickly and I apologised profusely for losing my temper and I still feel bad about it 10 years on).

Obviously if my step kids had no mother, and they lived with us 100% of the time, and I had parental responsibility, it would be different. As it is, if either of their parents want my help with them, it's as a favour - one that I try to accommodate as much as I can.

Good for you OP, your DH sounds like he's been wholly unreasonable.

Whatinthelord · 13/04/2022 16:46

DH was totally out of order to swear at you and to use you as childcare when it sounds like you’re not happy providing childcare for his DSD.
Sounds like a conversation is needed with you both to agree how you approach sorting childcare for his son and appropriate behaviour in front of the children.

However I don’t agree with you taking your DSS to his dads work. You might not feel it is using him as a weapon….however if the only reason you took you DS to his dads work is because of your argument with his dad….then it sounds a lot like it was being done to punish your DH. Even if DSS loves going to his dads work, given his dad swore at you in front of him im assuming he was aware to some extent of the argument being the reason he was being taken to his dad.

I think you would have been reasonable to tell him you won’t do childcare in the future or to ask him to come home.

I think it’s unhealthy to be involving a child in an adults argument. Your DH now needs to consider how he manages his child care in a way that’s appropriate and so he isn’t being used as part of an argument.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 13/04/2022 16:46

@WonderfulYou

He was a dick but you were an even bigger one.

It’s not fair that you took out your frustration on a kid.

It sounds like you both have a bad relationship and I feel sorry for the kids stuck in the middle.

he was, she wasn't.

She didn't. Read what she actually wrote

Yep, and yep. But OP knows that and has no control over the dick things he says/does. She has options... and has excercised one of them!

THisbackwithavengeance · 13/04/2022 16:48

@Lookoflove

You'll never get support on here OP. It's the only board where you can't say your true feelings without everyone telling you that SC are your responsibility or that your DC need to give up their bedrooms so SC can have their own space or that your family must buy SC the same amount of presents for birthday / Christmas as their own grandchildren. Good for you. 'D'H child isn't your responsibility. Let him and the mother sort it out and tell him to sort his language out!

What on earth do you mean that the OP will never get support on here?!?

Posters are queuing up to congratulate the OP on her new "boundaries" and telling her well done!

OP: I personally think both you and your DP have behaved shittily and using a child to score a cheap point is quite frankly pathetic and nasty. You really showed him, didn't you by dumping his kid off like that. But your replies indicate that you think you did the right thing and
other posters think your actions were spot on, so you crack on; I'm obviously in the minority.

Sounds like your relationship is over on any case.

ChiswickFlo · 13/04/2022 16:48

I'm not a SP but good for you op!

2bazookas · 13/04/2022 16:48

@Minikievs

Why is it your DSS's fault that his dad is a twat?
It's not DSS's fault, it's her dad. He told Puddle to fuck off and she did.

Moral of the story; "be careful what you ask for, you might get it."

FairyCakeWings · 13/04/2022 16:52

It’s a boy shot for the dss,but at least he’ll grow up knowing that women don’t like to be told to fuck off and are capable of sticking up for themselves if they are.

2DogsOnMySofa · 13/04/2022 16:55

Well done op

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2022 17:00

What do you think will happen when he comes home @PuddleSticks?

Is this a continuing pattern or a one-off?

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:06

@Nanny0gg

What do you think will happen when he comes home *@PuddleSticks*?

Is this a continuing pattern or a one-off?

He'll be mad I'm sure. I plan to just ignore him completely though to be honest. I may even go spend the night at my parents with the DC.
OP posts: