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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
5128gap · 13/04/2022 17:10

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the arguments looked like that OP. It's demeaning and unpleasant, for the children as well. And while DSS might be happy going there, id be surprised if he was unaware of and happy with the reason he had to go there. Stop wasting your precious life in a cycle of inconsideration and hostility, followed by revenge and more hostility. Its exhausting and miserable. You can do way better than that.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/04/2022 17:12

@5128gap

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the arguments looked like that OP. It's demeaning and unpleasant, for the children as well. And while DSS might be happy going there, id be surprised if he was unaware of and happy with the reason he had to go there. Stop wasting your precious life in a cycle of inconsideration and hostility, followed by revenge and more hostility. Its exhausting and miserable. You can do way better than that.
Ah, so it's the woman's job to stop being hostile for the sake of (his) children, even when she's tried that but the man resumes being hostile..

Good for you OP. Actions should have consequences

butterpuffed · 13/04/2022 17:15

@PuddleSticks

but you can’t just refuse to take care of DSS because his dad has been a bit of a dick.

But I can...

You're both as bad as each other. Why use your DSS as a weapon, nasty.
glinner4prez · 13/04/2022 17:17

Sounds like a toxic relationship all round.

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:17

Why use your DSS as a weapon, nasty.

Oh boohoo he happily went and spent an afternoon with his dad playing games on the computer and earning some pocket money. The horror.

OP posts:
StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/04/2022 17:18

Unless he is prepared to apologise in front of the kids I would be done I think.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 17:19

You're both as bad as each other. Why use your DSS as a weapon, nasty.

People really don't get it with comments like this.

It's not about using him as a weapon. It's about doing favours for someone being conditional on them being respectful towards you, because you respect yourself and expect the same from them.

If you shouted abuse at any other child minder or babysitter, they wouldn't be accused of "using the child as a weapon" if they rescinded their offer. It would be expected.

Whatinthelord · 13/04/2022 17:20

@PuddleSticks

Why use your DSS as a weapon, nasty.

Oh boohoo he happily went and spent an afternoon with his dad playing games on the computer and earning some pocket money. The horror.

How come he didn’t just go with his dad to work anyway if it’s so easy for him to be there.
5128gap · 13/04/2022 17:20

@Skiptheheartsandflowers
Don't be silly. Of course it isn't. I'm referring to the H's hostility not hers, and the fact that OPs response of revenge is inadequate to the situation, and doesn't help her or the children long term.
If you think its a woman's job to try to teach her husband to be a better man by showing him actions have consequences, that's up to you. Personally I think life's too short to be bothered and I'd be moving on.

VodselForDinner · 13/04/2022 17:20

You’ve used a child as a punishment.

You and your husband sound as bad as each other.

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:20

How come he didn’t just go with his dad to work anyway if it’s so easy for him to be there

Because it's not easy for H. Which is precisely the point.

OP posts:
Mackmama · 13/04/2022 17:24

Can totally understand why you feel the way you do and your reaction. I feel like this all the time, the expectation seems to be not only will I look after DSD while my DH works or goes out but that I should be deliriously happy about it.

Well done OP, I wish I had the guts to do what you did.

rwalker · 13/04/2022 17:26

i presume your totally blameless in all this

debbs77 · 13/04/2022 17:28

Too right! Go you! Well done. I would've done the same.

Thesearmsofmine · 13/04/2022 17:28

You both sound awful. You are using a child as a weapon in your toxic relationship even if he was happy enough to go. Poor kids stuck in the middle of this.

Whatinthelord · 13/04/2022 17:29

@PuddleSticks

How come he didn’t just go with his dad to work anyway if it’s so easy for him to be there

Because it's not easy for H. Which is precisely the point.

I mean earlier in the thread you said your not using the child as a weapon. Yet here it sounds like you are…..or maybe using him as a punishment is a better phrase.

I absolutely don’t think your Ss is your responsibility and I would 100% refuse to do a favour for someone who swore at me. I just don’t think the way the situation occurred was good for your ss.

I can see how you got to breaking point and why you took your ss to his dads office. However I think it is important for his dad and you to think about how you manage situations in the future so that the children involved are mucked about.

If your DH is like this often then it seems like there is a wider issue in the relationship and maybe declining to care for ss in the future would be best.b

TheArtfulBlogger · 13/04/2022 17:32

I love your answers and your attitude Grin

Good for you! Hope he actually realises how disrespectful he is

BeeHaving · 13/04/2022 17:33

@Thesearmsofmine

You both sound awful. You are using a child as a weapon in your toxic relationship even if he was happy enough to go. Poor kids stuck in the middle of this.
Poor kids!

So when your husband leaves you and moves on to wife no.3 will you be happy for her to treat your children in the way you treated your stepson?

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:34

will you be happy for her to treat your children in the way you treated your stepson?

What? By dropping them off with their own dad for one afternoon?

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 17:38

If your dss was happy to go spend time with his father and get pockey money then fair enough.

But seems like your relationship is over OP.
Are you going to put up with your husband telling you to f off in front of your children?

dss aside think its time to separate, you then dont have to deal with his child at all.

How long has he been abusive like this towards you? It comes across that you've finally had enough and this is the first time you've snapped?

ScholesPanda · 13/04/2022 17:41

Sorry Op, but to me this just sounds really dysfunctional.
When you're married, you should act as a team.
Your DH shouldn't swear at you, certainly not in front of your children. He sounds like a knob, is he often like this? I can understand why you have reacted in the way you have.
However, I assume his work helps pay shared bills and if he is self-employed he isn't getting holiday pay if he takes time off? He also needs to maintain a relationship with your DSS. You should be working together to ensure these things happen- he is earning money, so you take on the childcare during the day. It isn't a favour, it's teamwork.
The fact that you think that it is a favour and he talks to you in the way he does suggests to me you aren't really a team at all, and I wonder what you're getting out of the marriage if that is the case?

BeeHaving · 13/04/2022 17:41

@PuddleSticks

will you be happy for her to treat your children in the way you treated your stepson?

What? By dropping them off with their own dad for one afternoon?

And making it quite clear to the child they aren't welcome in your home when you are pissed off at their dad - lovely!
TiddleyWink · 13/04/2022 17:42

This reply has been deleted

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aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 17:44

If my DP and I had a huge row culminating in him swearing at me like that, I'd be far too preoccupied to be a decent childminder to his kid, frankly. The onus should not be on the non parent to set their feelings aside for the day for the sake of the kid while the parent storms out.

This is entirely on the DP for not realising he was creating an untenable situation for the childcare arrangement to go ahead, not the person with no responsibility for not being the bigger person in the face of it.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 13/04/2022 17:46

I think you should definitely go and stay with your parents for a day or two. It will underscore your point that it’s unacceptable for your H to speak to you that way.
It would also make more sense to your DSS that way. You left him with his dad because you are not his mum so you can’t take him off to your parents place with no notice and no permission from either his mum or dad.