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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/04/2022 18:22

[quote 5128gap]@Skiptheheartsandflowers
Don't be silly. Of course it isn't. I'm referring to the H's hostility not hers, and the fact that OPs response of revenge is inadequate to the situation, and doesn't help her or the children long term.
If you think its a woman's job to try to teach her husband to be a better man by showing him actions have consequences, that's up to you. Personally I think life's too short to be bothered and I'd be moving on.[/quote]
That REALLY wasn't how that message read, so there's no 'of course' about it. Maybe think about how clearly your writing conveys your ideas and meaning, if life isn't too short.

Dontbeme · 13/04/2022 18:23

@PuddleSticks have you posted about your DH before being a complete fuckwit, expecting you to use your annual leave to care for DSS and then saying you have no say or discipline as you're not his parent? Or is that another fuckwit, there's probably more than one here to be fair.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 18:24

@CheshireChat

I absolutely agree that you should treat all the kids equally therefore next time, leave all of them with him.
Haha yes good point actually. You're looking after both his kids.
NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 18:26

You sound delightful, I bet your husbands first wife is so relaxed when her child is with you!!!! why is that any concern whatsoever of OP's?? The ex is shit all to do with her

funinthesun19 · 13/04/2022 18:26

It’s most definitely free childcare and a favour to look her husband’s child.

And as for the ex wife not being relaxed, well that won’t be because of op! She will surely know what her child’s father is like. She was married to him once herself. She has no place ever getting pissed off at the op for not going along with his shit to suit everyone else.

BeeHaving · 13/04/2022 18:27

@bringincrazyback

Didn't take long for the stepparent hate to ramp up, did it. Hmm

The OP clearly stated that her DSS doesn't mind being dropped there and has stuff to do when he's there. She's quite rightly demonstrating that her DH needs to take part in his own son's care. It's not about punishment or point scoring. But it's always the stepmother who's wrong as far as some people are concerned, isn't it.

The responses on this thread bear out a hell of a lot of the points that have been made elsewhere on the Stepparenting board over the past week or so.

My issue is not what the OP has done, it's the fact she cannot see how a nine year old boy interprets her actions. As the adult who is supposed to be taking care of him while his dad is at work, I'm sure she could have put her anger aside till dad gets home and deal with him directly.
aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 18:30

My issue is not what the OP has done, it's the fact she cannot see how a nine year old boy interprets her actions. As the adult who is supposed to be taking care of him while his dad is at work, I'm sure she could have put her anger aside till dad gets home and deal with him directly.

It's not really about not seeing it, it's about not seeing it as more important. It would be a big hardship for me to set my anger aside and act smiley and jolly for a 9 year old all day and I simply wouldn't do it. As the parent, he should be the one to recognise that her incentive to do so is much smaller than his.

RewildingAmbridge · 13/04/2022 18:34

Oh that poor boy, witnesses his dad shout at you and telling you to fuck off, then related sorry notice change of plans 'i'm not looking after you you have to go to your dad's work' . Think about his perception, he'll feel like an inconvenience to you and no matter how much of an arsehole his father is, a child shouldn't feel that.
If you didn't want to do childcare anymore don't, but you are adding to a horrible situation for that child by doing this today, to a child who is already dealing with a complex situation (separated parents no one consistent home, younger half siblings and the emotions that come with that) and will have been affected by witnessing that aggression this morning. It's so tit for tat, and it's the child who suffers. I don't think it's a reaction to be proud of

OnaBegonia · 13/04/2022 18:35

The contradictions on here!!
Every SP post has the firm it's not your job to mind his kids, SM has no say in discipline etc but here we have outrage at this woman refusing to pick up her DHs slack as a parent.

lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 18:36

This is entirely on the DP for not realising he was creating an untenable situation for the childcare arrangement to go ahead, not the person with no responsibility for not being the bigger person in the face of it.

I agree with this 100%

5128gap · 13/04/2022 18:51

@Skiptheheartsandflowers
Fair play. Apologies for being snarky to you. I was irritated to be taken the wrong way when the last thing I was doing was putting responsibility on the OP for her Hs terrible behaviour. That's on me. We're in essence of the same mind that OP has been wronged here.Smile

bringincrazyback · 13/04/2022 18:52

My issue is not what the OP has done, it's the fact she cannot see how a nine year old boy interprets her actions. As the adult who is supposed to be taking care of him while his dad is at work, I'm sure she could have put her anger aside till dad gets home and deal with him directly.

He's 9. I'm not convinced he'll read anything into this at all.

5128gap · 13/04/2022 18:52

My response is on me, that is, not his behaviour, naturally!

TheDuchessOfMN · 13/04/2022 19:00

@bringincrazyback

My issue is not what the OP has done, it's the fact she cannot see how a nine year old boy interprets her actions. As the adult who is supposed to be taking care of him while his dad is at work, I'm sure she could have put her anger aside till dad gets home and deal with him directly.

He's 9. I'm not convinced he'll read anything into this at all.

Oh trust me, he will.

Someone said that the SP board is the wrong place for me. Admittedly, I’m not a step-parent, but I was the child of divorced parents, so I’ll always read these threads through the eyes of a step-child.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have sympathy for this woman. I do, a million things over. But it was absolutely the wrong thing to do. Her issue is with her husband, not the child. Even the fact that he is referred to as “providing childcare” for, is wrong. He’s a member of the family, and should be parented equally to all kids in that family, by both parents.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/04/2022 19:08

[quote 5128gap]@Skiptheheartsandflowers
Fair play. Apologies for being snarky to you. I was irritated to be taken the wrong way when the last thing I was doing was putting responsibility on the OP for her Hs terrible behaviour. That's on me. We're in essence of the same mind that OP has been wronged here.Smile[/quote]
Yes we are! Apologies @5128gap on my part for being snarky too. Group hug ( but not including OP's husband) Smile

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 19:13

If I dropped my kid off at nursery and swore at the staff they wouldn't be looking after my kid for the rest of the day wouldn't they!

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 19:15

Ah sorry I see @aSofaNearYou had already covered that point

Cervinia · 13/04/2022 19:15

Team @PuddleSticks here.

This isn't about punishing the stepchild, it's about putting boundaries in place with her twat of a partner, and well done her! She could love the bones of her step child, but they are not her responsibility and if their father is treating her like a skivvy then tough shit, he needs to step right up.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 19:19

If dad "repairs" this well then it can be a good lesson for DSS to learn.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 19:20

That doesn’t mean I don’t have sympathy for this woman. I do, a million things over. But it was absolutely the wrong thing to do. Her issue is with her husband, not the child. Even the fact that he is referred to as “providing childcare” for, is wrong. He’s a member of the family, and should be parented equally to all kids in that family, by both parents.

It's not wrong, though. Being a step child doesn't actually mean you have any insight into what it is to be a step parent. Step parents ARE providing childcare when they look after their step children on their partner's behalf, if you don't want somebody in your children's life who is not responsible for them the way you are as a parent then just don't get into new relationships, because they never will be. They will never be a parent.

Queenbee77 · 13/04/2022 19:23

I am so thru with men!

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 19:25

I provided childcare for my stepchildren this afternoon. The difference between that and looking after my own child is there is ZERO expectation from my DH that I will agree to it. If I'd said no actually I want to focus on DC today then he would accept it graciously. And if he had sworn at me this morning I might jolly well have said you know what, I'm not doing you a favour today.

TiddleyWink · 13/04/2022 19:29

So many posters on here bleat on and on about how step parents get all the hate, blah blah blah. The ‘hate’ Op is getting is because of her gross behaviour, nothing to do with being a step parent. Had she behaved like that to her own child i and I’m sure other posters would be saying the same. She and her husband both sound awful. The fact she’s a step parent is totally irrelevant despite some peoples’ desperation to hide behind that as the apparent reason for any criticism they get. So tedious.

RantyAunty · 13/04/2022 19:31

Team PuddleSticks!

These men do all these selfish horrible things with zero concern about hurting their DW or DC feelings. Everyone is just supposed to tow the line and accommodate his moods.

Notice dear Dad didn't take off school holidays to care for or plan something with his DS.

poulicey · 13/04/2022 19:33

You sound petty and vindictive. The child didn't do anything wrong. And no it isn't considered a "favour" in normal, healthy families where sc are integrated to family as they should be. You might not like looking after kids, we all are fed up and tired from time to time, but here you are singling out one child, who is indeed part of your family, to avenge something his father did. Immoral behaviour. Even if the kid thinks he's having a fun day out, and even if it is so, you know your intentions, and there fore it doesn't change the wrongfulness.