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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I finally had enough today

277 replies

PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 15:01

My husband has been an utter arse today. I've been off work due to the school holidays and looking after my own DC and had agreed to also mind DSS (9) whilst DH worked.

We had an argument last night which spilled over to today and the final straw was him telling me to fuck off in front of all the DC this morning when I tried to speak to him and him sending me shitty messages when he got into work.

So I told him the free kids club was over and I've just got back from dropping DSS off at his work (he's self employed).

DSS doesn't actually mind going there as he has a spare computer and can watch Netflix / play games in the office so he was fine but H will be fuming I'm sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:47

You’re clearly pretty proud of it though, so why post here?

Kindly note I didn't post on AIBU so I wasn't actually asking whether you thought it reasonable or not Smile

OP posts:
BobbyeinArkansas · 13/04/2022 17:48

I'd have done the same, OP. Bien joué.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 17:50

However, I assume his work helps pay shared bills and if he is self-employed he isn't getting holiday pay if he takes time off? He also needs to maintain a relationship with your DSS. You should be working together to ensure these things happen- he is earning money, so you take on the childcare during the day. It isn't a favour, it's teamwork.

It is still a favour, team or otherwise. They have joint children - if he is working and she is not then this is what balances out their contribution. The fact that he has an additional responsibility towards DSS is his to manage and nothing to do with OP.

Original poster
PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:52

if he is working and she is not then this is what balances out their contribution

And I do work 🙂 I've taken precious holiday time for this shit.

OP posts:
BeeHaving · 13/04/2022 17:53

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PuddleSticks · 13/04/2022 17:56

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KylieKoKo · 13/04/2022 17:59

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TheDuchessOfMN · 13/04/2022 17:59

Wow, I find this thread so shocking Sad

You’re married to this man. That means all children are the same family unit and should be treated equally.
My heart breaks for that poor boy.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 18:00

@TheDuchessOfMN

Wow, I find this thread so shocking Sad

You’re married to this man. That means all children are the same family unit and should be treated equally.
My heart breaks for that poor boy.

The step parenting board is the wrong place for you.
KylieKoKo · 13/04/2022 18:02

@TheDuchessOfMN

Wow, I find this thread so shocking Sad

You’re married to this man. That means all children are the same family unit and should be treated equally.
My heart breaks for that poor boy.

They were treated equally. They were all being looked after by one of their parents ...
BeeHaving · 13/04/2022 18:02

@TheDuchessOfMN

Wow, I find this thread so shocking Sad

You’re married to this man. That means all children are the same family unit and should be treated equally.
My heart breaks for that poor boy.

Exactly.
UsernameInTheTown · 13/04/2022 18:02

Nice to see someone stand up for themselves in the face of a cuntish OH. You OP win my Mumsnetter Of The Week award and are a shining example to others.

ScholesPanda · 13/04/2022 18:03

@aSofaNearYou

However, I assume his work helps pay shared bills and if he is self-employed he isn't getting holiday pay if he takes time off? He also needs to maintain a relationship with your DSS. You should be working together to ensure these things happen- he is earning money, so you take on the childcare during the day. It isn't a favour, it's teamwork.

It is still a favour, team or otherwise. They have joint children - if he is working and she is not then this is what balances out their contribution. The fact that he has an additional responsibility towards DSS is his to manage and nothing to do with OP.

Sorry, but I disagree, and I just don't see marriage/ LTR this way. You look at the shared responsibilities you have, like earning money and looking after children, step or otherwise, and work out how to tackle them, together. It isn't about balancing contributions against each other on an imaginary scales. If OP's DH took time off every time he had his son then presumably there would be less money for the family unit as a whole? So it might make more sense for the OP to take some time off- for the good of the family unit not just the DH. Similarly, the "D"H shouldn't have not sworn at the OP because she was going to care for his son, he shouldn't have done it because this is the woman he allegedly loves and respects and because it's a dickish thing to do anyway. Even if she'd been planning a day of lying on the bed drinking Pimm's whilst he worked he shouldn't have done it.
GatoradeMeBitch · 13/04/2022 18:05

It's not ideal, but neither is a grown man telling his partner to fuck off in front of their children. But if he needs literal punishments in order to treat you in a civil manner, you might want to consider whether this relationship has much life left in it.

HangOnToYourself · 13/04/2022 18:06

I think you just need to be wary of how DSS perceives it, he saw you argue then you dropped him at his dads. Just make sure he understands this argument wasnt about him or caused by him in any way (I say this as a child who spent years blaming themselves for parents divorce as I caused an argument between them on the day they split up)

billy1966 · 13/04/2022 18:07

He sounds like a complete pig.

I think packing your bags and going to your parents is a great idea.

Telling me to fxxk off in front of my children is total deal breaker.

I wouldn't want my children around that.

Glad to read you work.

He sounds just awful.Flowers

Phobiaphobic · 13/04/2022 18:11

@TheDuchessOfMN

Wow, I find this thread so shocking Sad

You’re married to this man. That means all children are the same family unit and should be treated equally.
My heart breaks for that poor boy.

Get a bloody grip.
CircusBaby · 13/04/2022 18:12

@PuddleSticks

How come he didn’t just go with his dad to work anyway if it’s so easy for him to be there

Because it's not easy for H. Which is precisely the point.

So you used your DSS as punishment. Lovely.

And yes, I am a step parent. Albeit they're grown adults now. But when they were kids I didn't use them to score points during arguments.

And your responses don't sound empowered, they just make you sound quite proud of using your step son as a pawn.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 18:13

@ScholesPanda It's fine for you to view marriage however you like but not everyone sees it that way and that is equally reasonable.

To me (and I know many others) like any partnership it means sharing out your JOINT responsibilities - ie paying household bills and looking after joint children, but any additional responsibilities one partner has or chooses to take on remain their own. Yes there are practical considerations and sometimes the other person might deem it appropriate to help out, but ultimately that is where the responsibilities lie.

Rodion · 13/04/2022 18:14

Your husband is clearly outrageously out of order, no wonder you were angry and felt taken advantage of.

But if the question is whether your behaviour was fair in return I would have to say I think it is using the kid as a weapon. DSS doesn't have to be treated badly or made to something awful to be used as a weapon. In this instance DSS's plans for the day were changed and he was taken to his dad's workplace with the purpose of making dh's day harder as a punishment for being so awful to you. In that moment DSS was used as a tool to wind up his dad. You probably wouldn't have done if you didn't know DSS would be happy there, but personally I don't think that changes the fact that it is weaponising him

I don't think that makes you a terrible step mum or anything, and clearly you were provoked, but still...

I'm sorry you're in such a miserable relationship. Telling you to fuck off in front of the kids would take a lot to get back from.

Leeds2 · 13/04/2022 18:16

I am not a step parent, but I think you did the right thing.

What did DH say when you turned up at his work with DSS?

TimBoothseyes · 13/04/2022 18:16

@TheDuchess1979

It’s not “free childcare” or “a favour” to look after your step son. I think you’ve been out of order on this one. And I’ve been a step-parent for over 20 years.
It is if she has taken a weeks holiday to do it because the father cba to pay for childcare on his contact time. And I've been a step parent for a lot longer than 20 years.
CheshireChat · 13/04/2022 18:17

I absolutely agree that you should treat all the kids equally therefore next time, leave all of them with him.

bringincrazyback · 13/04/2022 18:20

Didn't take long for the stepparent hate to ramp up, did it. Hmm

The OP clearly stated that her DSS doesn't mind being dropped there and has stuff to do when he's there. She's quite rightly demonstrating that her DH needs to take part in his own son's care. It's not about punishment or point scoring. But it's always the stepmother who's wrong as far as some people are concerned, isn't it.

The responses on this thread bear out a hell of a lot of the points that have been made elsewhere on the Stepparenting board over the past week or so.

candlesandpitchforks · 13/04/2022 18:21

I wouldn't ever stand for my DH talking to me like this. He tried it once in terms of having a argument in front of DSD and I simply said that I wont argue in front of the kids and he's setting a really bad example for our SD and how must this look to her so I was leaving the room and for him not to speak to me until he had not only said sorry to me but also to the children who deserved better. He did come and apologise to everyone and never did it again.

Your not being unreasonable but there's a lot of people on here that think SP are expected childcare but with about as many teeth as a slug. Either you can have all the rights as a parental figure or none step parents aren't pick and mix the bits people find useful and bits they don't like.

Glad you inconvenienced DH. Sometimes it takes something like this to realise your taking something for granted.