Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters
That's as ridiculous a scenario as a man who insists all his wives must wear Chanel no. 5 because that's the perfume his first girlfriend wore...

Interchangeable Emmas, Bolt On Bertas.....

We always and always have done completely separate things for every occasion, two birthdays, 2 days out, 2 Christmas. 2 lots of everything basically.

It's really threw DP why she is trying to change things now. He's more thinking along the lines of if he says yes she will want half the costs and if not she will tell the DC daddy wouldn't come because he hates mummy.

Why is nothing easy

Sorry if I'm interrupting but I just needed to vent. FINALLY the DSC have gone back to mums I just never feel like my home is mine when they are here. No idea how to get over that.

@NightOwl101 i think you can preempt that to some degree with, daddy has planned X for you. And focusing on that. You can’t stop her playing the parental alienation card, but you can redirect DSS’s focus.

@SpaceshiptoMars Yes. It shows his total lack of imagination. There are tens of thousands of hotels and resorts in the world. So, even if I want an all inclusive resort holiday, there are many options that aren’t that bloody one.

Especially not for a holiday with the SC (he’d have insisted!) so I could have listened to SD bang on about how much better it was with mammy there the entire time. And she would have. And he’d have let her.

Instead I just have messages (that I haven’t replied to!) trying to present the children who’ve just had thousands spent taking them abroad as poor victims. He is incapable of thinking: do you know, I wish I’d treated Charlie better so that she’d be willing to facilitate a video call. But, I think it would be insensitive to rub everyone’s face in this holiday. So I’ll just accept the consequences of my life choices.

What happens when they’re there?

IME behind a woman who feels unwelcome in her own home (that she pays for!) during contact, there’s usually a man disempowering her in that home on the pretext his children come first.

I hear you. It feels like the house is completely taken over and like I’m a stranger in my own home.
Their father acting like a Disney Dad doesn’t help matters.

I am so drained today.

DSD has started dropping hint to her DM that she might be ready to see us again but no sleep overs, she decides when and how long she sees us and we must drop her home as soon as she decides. All previous conversations with DP seem to have gone out the window and I am very much anticipating having to have a difficult conversation with him that this way does not work for me or other DC.

In all honestly I don't want a relationship with her which makes me sound terrible but I can't handle all that again and then the fallout I have to pick up when e step out of line and she punishes us.

@fufflecake @LadyCluck I hear you! I always feel displaced.

@NightOwl101 why would anyone think that amount of power to dictate literally everyone’s weekend was in any way good for a young person?

The problem is divorced dad guilt breeds this kind of attitude. Kids grow up learning dad will accept the scraps and say how high when the yell jump. So they behave worse. Because the lack of appropriate boundaries is not good for any child.

I hope your husband is willing to set some reasonable boundaries.

They don't really do anything I can place my finger on. But you know, they'll want the TV or they'll argue with each other or start nicking my fancy bathroom stuff. It's all just kid stuff nothing major.

SudocremOnEverything he has said all the right things previously but the more desperate he's getting the more willing he is to do whatever it takes

How is everyone doing?

I'm feeling so tired of their always being some kind of constant issue at the minute.

It's relentless isn't it @NightOwl101 I disengage as much as possible but it's exhausting, causes so much tension in our marriage too.

CornishGem1975 I think that's some of my problem. As much as I try to disengage it effects DPs mood which then affects the mood in the house and the kids and I get frustrated

@NightOwl101 that sounds hideous. Also of course you don't like someone who acts like that. Only in sp world are you not like someone who behaves badly and makes your life a misery.

What does your DP say ? If it helps I'm bone tired too. So not much advice but plenty comrady 💐

He use to say all of the right things but now more time is going on he's becoming more desperate and I can easily see the 'let's just do whatever she wants' talk coming very soon. Then I worry for our relationship when I put my boundaries in place

I'm sorry your still having struggles. How are you feeling about it all

@NightOwl101 frustrated. The ex has done a u turn again. Told DSD that her behaviour is fine and she doesn't have to go to therapy ect or see DH and that's fine as maintenance will go up to support that extra time 🙄 and mum can buy her some nice treats with the extra money

Ironically because we pay well over maintenance that CSA demands, the extra time DSD doesn't come to ours (its still) well over what CSA would ask him to pay if dsd never visited. I think his ex thought it would be triple, if not more to make up for the extra time - should DSD decided not to come. She's in for a nasty shock when she realised this. And still wouldn't be able to say he pays the bare minimum via CSA even if DSD doesn't come based on what we pay now. Insert "very tired face"

I was told rather smugly that "mum said I will just have to cut back on things I get for Dc (DSD words)" and I said well actually if we have to pay more (which we won't) I said I would have potentially cut back re horses... that got DSD rather upset. Her mum had told her that the money some how would just be taken from my Dc and straight to her for treats.

I did remind her that my money doesn't pay for maintenance for her mum and I pay for DSD stuff because I can and want to not because I legally have to.. which is bit different to how it's been framed to DSD. DSD was a bit shocked I shell out willingly for her..

The fight over resources goes on. Ironically my money is now in debate again some how just via DSD now which is just insane.

We have DSD this weekend or DH will have her at our other house (how bloody privilege does that sound 😞). My Dc won't cross paths with her for obvious reasons.

Without getting DSD help I don't know her triggers and therefore I can't trust her to be alone with them at any point. Hard when toddlers can't be caged and I can't carry baby with me every second of every day while I chase toddler. Also the ramifications if DSD does do something - would be a high price to pay for her (she's only a child even if she's got some quirks)

You cannot man handle teenager into therapy and force compliance. Esp when mums stick head right back in the fecking sand.

Sorry for rant !

Re boundaries expect everything to ramp up to get you to cave before it settles down. It's a hell of a ride but bloody stick to them. I'm in same boat, I have said if you won't get her help, she won't have a relationship with her siblings and that will down to both DH and mum. Not down to DSD. Ironically.

That’s really depressing @pitchforksandflamethrowers. All of it.

Is her mum just going for the path of least resistance with DSD?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

Something about the whole blended family situation seems to bring out the blackmailer in some people.

@SudocremOnEverything isn't it. I think it's just been one of those weeks tbh. Lots of "advice" from people who have zero knowledge or lived experience with step family.

Like banging my head against a concrete wall EOW. It's amazing how people manage to miss the part a teenager thinks hurt her newborn sibling and 4 year old into a poor poor excluded DSC. Like sudden deafness . Baring the 4 year old is also a SC. Maddening since I bloody want to include her but she's a risk to my DC and ultimately to herself. And no one is helping her.

I actually got told that babies are annoying and most kids will hit their siblings if the siblings is being annoying (by annoying im assuming that includes existing in same air space). He was in his bed, just babbling hardly interrupting DSD time with dad or me or whatever

@SpaceshiptoMars that the fuck is going on just keeps rolling around my head. I would never ever have thought it was ok to act like this, let alone weaponise your child to do it. Wtaf

I think it's just been a while now and people are like ok so what's gonna happen now, I'm like well the parents haven't done anything.. and people are like but you can't just keep them separate forever. They are siblings .. as in yes but what are you doing to fix this (aka you caused it 🙄) and I'm expected to put Dc at risk and DSD future at risk .

Although tbh DH did hope DSD would come around to the idea actually what happened wasn't on and help would be achieved. Fundamentally though that's not happened and won't be happening as mum hasn't helped that mental shift and DSD won't comply.

She's not a small girl we can't literally drag her there..

It’s pretty standard for similar aged children to hit their new siblings. Because that’s how things are with young children.

Your DSD is way beyond the window for that. DS2 is 13. He would never hurt the toddler. Ever. And he’s just as annoying as a toddler can be. DS2 nears his toddler antics with quite a lot of patience really.

so frustrating for you.

@SudocremOnEverything had the same spiel about the dog tbh. Bare the fact so many people were like but she's old enough to know...

Problem is you can't re home your own kids (not that I would want to)

Wine anyone ? I feel like wine !

Anyway enough of me ranting how you all doing ?

pitchfolksandflamethrowers ah DSDs mum clearing isn't willing to face up to the reality of doing the right thing by her daughter and seeking help but is actively encouraging that her behaviour is fine.

The money situation is so frustrating. Why people put all this information and pressure on children is beyond me. DsD mum will be in for a shock when her maintenance doesn't shoot up.

I hope you had the wine and have enjoyed it.

I'm mentally very clear about what my boundaries are and there is no room for negotiation on them. I will happily support DP havjng a relationship but it's a long way off before anything could be considered regarding my DD and DSD. If he tries to push or talk round my DD then that's a line in our relationship and I'm willing to walk away. I'm at the point where I'm questioning if I can tolerate this being my life forever. After a decade their mum is still manipulating them, still causing weekly issues and I just feel done in.

I can empathise with a lot of your situations.

I am having some issues myself and I wonder, for those whose DH has their DC overnight somewhere else, how do you find this works for your relationship? Is it worth it to remove the stress and drama, or do you find it causes other issues because you don’t see DH as much and you’re not all one family unit?
I don’t know whether it’s worth considering

@NightOwl101 I'm with you. I totally get it it gets almost to the point boring. I have no idea when I will say enough but I only know I'm not there yet. Gah it would be tricky with no Nero diversity at play with mums actions. With it like with DSD it's just awful because once a patterns set it tends to "stick"