Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

I have never been so glad to see you don't live together. That makes this easier tell him to gfhs if he pulls the whole guilt trip re DSC.

He sounds like a c you next Tuesday tbh and sounds like he's trying to smash down your boundaries!!

Your ex sounds awful. I’m glad you separated.

You must be relieved to no longer be a step-parent.

You probably already know this but the relationship boards are a great source of support for dealing with difficult exes.

First post! Apologies if I’ve not done this right and jumped on someone’s post.
I need help! I feel like I'm losing my Son :(
we’re a family of 4, Mum/step dad/son/daughter. Son is gravitating towards his Dad and has been for a few years, but he’s a very disrespectful person, shirks responsibility, not interested in the key points a child needs to be a stable adult. I’ve silently viewed the messages between them and they are disgustingly inappropriate - the language used, attitude to women, no boundaries, no support to education, and then the sharing of what goes on in our house - chats, sibling fall out etc is shared with the ex. My sons behaviour/attitude is diluted when there is a period of less contact with ex, but then it intensifies again. I’m struggling, his sister is struggling and I know his step dad is too. The worry is he is at an influential age, looking up to someone who is a toxic person. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

@DoggieMum81 how old is DS ? I suspect although willing to be corrected it's teen years and their brains are going through a massive mental shift, that's not to excuse it but their brain elasticity is still very bendy so what he is now will not be what he is later in life. Hopefully.

I would speak to him and say I have seen xyz and I want to talk to you about why this narrative is harmful not only for the women he speaks about but how it will harm him and peoples perception of him.

Have family discussions over difficult topics, not in a inquisition type of way but just openly talk about news articles linked to say dv, how gender stereotypes hurt both genders. You want to keep a open door policy in terms of this re dad, nothing is off the table and you won't get mad talking about it (even if you need to go scream it o a pillow after)

You can counter act poison if you provide a way to let it escape the body. Talking helps with that and also providing positive role models in DS life. I'm guessing he's of a age to chose who he sees, therefore as much as you want to keep him away from dad it's likely to backfire.

Become his safe place. He can talk to you about anything. Teens are hard as hell, they do come back (so I have been told). I have had some pretty interesting convos with my DSD and as much as I'm a little 😳 sometimes I know she needs to talk to someone about it who won't judge. It helps that emotional wise I don't have have the biological pull that shys me away from uncomfortable conversations that most parents have that and I have (undiagnosed but long standing suspected ) asd so I'm pretty frankly about stuff.

He will come back to you, but talk to him. Keep lines of communication open. It's helps I promise.

Jumping straight in is the right way to go on this thread.

It sounds really worrying for you. It’s very difficult trying to parent alongside a toxic person.

It sounds like his dad is offering a responsibility free space where he can blame everyone else for any issues. That’s going to be quite appealing to a teenager - developmentally they are hugely self-centred and looking to separate themselves from their family. Toxic people who encourage the worst aspects of this are not helpful.

I think all you can really do is try to ride the wave and hope he comes out the other side OK. A bit of positive ‘love bombing’ might be helpful. They do grow up and start to see things very differently. Think back to your own teenage years - those boundaries and expectations you felt were so oppressive probably were, with adult hindsight, what you needed. Being consistent and clear with him is important, even if he’s reacting against it and rejecting you.

Is it affecting his school work?

Thank you, love the ‘love bombing’ analogy. Yes, I feel it is. There have been lots of detentions recently around homework and behaviour. In my house education is important, but it’s not reciprocated with the other parent.

Thank you. Yes, early teens - such a tough time without this on top. Yes, absolutely making own choices and definitely sees carefree parent, fun, inappropriate parent as the God. So difficult for me, let alone step dad. Not interfering with choice of contact, never have, but so desperately worried on outcome. Some good points raised though and thank you. Feel so stuck and alone sometimes dealing with this and managing the whole family’s vibes/emotions.

Just catching up, how was your DS birthday CharlieAndTooManyCharacters ? I hope you got to enjoy the day!

Hi, I'm just needing to vent. Yet again I feel fed up after DP's birthday because my DSS1 was slyly nasty. These are adults not kids and I'm sick of making excuses. I'm not the OW and don't deserve the amount of crap I get from DP's entire family frankly. I no longer care and that's liberating.

@BuckarooBanzai what were they saying ? It sounds massively hard tbh. You would think adults would act like adults for one day ect

@NightOwl101 The birthday was… stressful. His father was really awful but still seemed to expect that I should host him and the SC as if he weren’t being a nasty, demanding arsehole. Life is just so much harder for having to deal with him.

@BuckarooBanzai That sounds crap. Slyly nasty is never nice. what happened?

Is your husband in denial about how his family treat you? This is the sort of thing that he really needs to put a stop to it and be firm with his family that they must treat you with respect.

On DP's last birthday DSS1 said I should financially support his mother! We have given her a large final settlement and all the DSS's are working full time & she also left DP! This year he said that DSS2 didn't come because he doesn't like me and that I needed to "build bridges!" DSS2 is autistic and not a people person so DP and I were not expecting him. For once I didn't bite and just said calmly that I don't have any bridges to build because I don't have the required emotional investment. (DDS2 is a large and frightening bully sadly, who uses bad behaviour to control others) DSS1 then blanked me for the rest of the evening, I can honestly say that i have done my best for all of them especially when they were younger. I am emotionally withdrawing because I'm sick of being the family punch bag.

What does his father do when he says this stuff?

My DP struggles with his hearing so misses lots of conversations. We've spoken about it since and he feels it's all PA from his ex. I don't know why his birthday remains such a flash point? Weirdly we do ok on Christmas Day with everyone getting on but then I think she thinks she's getting one over on me because she doesn't have to cook!

So he’s taking advantage of his father’s hearing to be rude and obnoxious to you?

It doesn’t sound like either DSS has grown up to be a nice human.

I think, given they’re adults (and not even brand new adults), it’s probably time to attribute the responsibility for their behaviour to the young men rather than their mother’s influence.

Far too often in stepfamily dynamics there’s an adult who can be othered and blamed to excuse all sorts (very often a woman). But, actually, the behaviour is a problem and focusing on the ex’s possible influence isn’t helpful. It’s a distraction and it makes it harder to tackle it.

Sounds like it would be useful if your husband spoke to his sons and set out clear boundaries around treating you with respect. If he knows he’s got hearing issues that they’re exploiting, he needs to make it clear that you should be able to say ‘excuse me. That’s not acceptable’ (such that it brings it to his attention if he’s not heard) and then he will step in and show his son that this shit just will not fly any more.

There are lots of fairly obvious reasons why your husband chooses to focus on his ex as the problem. It’s much easier to blame her than to face up to the reality of the adults his sons have grown in to.

It must be difficult to look at one who makes sneaky comments and seeks to be nasty to you, and the other being an outright bully, and just recognise that his (adult) children just aren’t nice people.

Unfortunately his ex is a problem and has huge power over 3 grown men who still live with her. It's been a nightmare frankly and I feel I enabled the worst of her behaviour by parenting for her when she went on benders. The power she has over them is incredible and routinely kicks them out of their home even now and they can't return until they've had a coast clear phone call the next day. They all pay huge amounts of rent to her. The historic stuff she's done has been off the scale. My lovely youngest DSS was kicked out of home literally at deaths door. This saved his life as I got him to A&E. I think the consequences are the older 2 are grim human beings that I tolerate for DP. Though I think at some point DP is going to loose it with them. I'm certainly holding my own these days and am going to put me and mine first.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters agree with you I have to say @BuckarooBanzai I totally get it some parents think that children are a literal extension of them selves rather than helping kids find their own personalities and therefore a attack on the kids is a attack on the parents. This still happening in adults is a sign that DH has his head in denial land.

You have to make sure you call out each and every comment. Make him notice, make him act.

Children calling new Step-Parent Dad

my partner has 2 children, 4 years old and 9 years old. He split with their mum years ago. 8 months ago she met a new boyfriend online. The children met him 5 months ago. This week they all moved into his house which is 40 miles away from us and their previous home, the only home they’ve ever known. Our biggest worry is obviously that this has all happened too soon. They’ve left us, their grandparents, school, friends and are starting from scratch. We’re praying they make new friends and are happy.

Due to the distance between us, we have lost 6 days a month with the children and are now only able to see them every other weekend. This is the mums choice as she wants a weekend with them too. We can’t do school runs anymore or evening meals, as due to the travel time, it just won’t be fair on the children. We are utterly heartbroken!

The 4 year old is already starting to say “you’re not my daddy anymore, I have a new one now” and “I won’t see you anymore as I have a new house now”. We are worried this will only get worse, the less time we spend with them.

We could have gone down the legal route to stop them moving, but as it stands, the children want to live there and are happy. Obviously if this changes we will do everything in our power to make it right for them.

The children won’t discuss anything with us, it’s almost as if they’ve been told they’re now allowed to talk about their new life with us. We don’t want to push them, as can see it makes them uncomfortable even though we only say positive things.

Sorry for the long post, I was just wondering if anyone else had dealt with this? how we should be dealing with this? If things will get better? At the moment our world has turned upside down and we can’t seem to see light at the end of the tunnel.

We’re hoping the “new dad” phase is will wear off and that the children remain happy once school has started. If it all goes pear shape, we will obviously be there for them. I guess that’s all we can do really?

I wish I hadn't stuck around but I got pregnant very quickly.

I was a step child and I suffered a lot of abuse as a child and I always thought I could do it better because how hard can it be to do better than abusing someone but now I'm being bullied in my own home and my 'D' H just stands by, supports it or instigates it.

I'm so mentally exhausted.

@JustMe3645 that sounds massively hard. I haven't been there but it sounds like hopefully if your consistent and keep lines of communication open with the children it may resolve itself. Hopefully someone with better advice will come along and offer better than what I have put here.

@poormanspombears you need to read stepmonster (it's a amazing book) and mentions the situation your in and some ways to tackle it.

First step would be putting your foot down in terms of just because your DH doesn't see your worth doesn't mean your worthless. Don't make yourself smaller just because you have had a baby with this man. Have you got a escape plan ? Legally are you married any shared assets ect

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

I have a loose plan and luckily, a great support system.

I am very good honest and can admit that I am responsible for maybe 60% of the issues, but I have basically been told because I'm the adult, I have to get over it and placate the child.

My DH is a massive enabler of SS and I have to leave the house as much as possible because I can't stand to be around it. We are legally married and on a joint HA tenancy which complicates things.

I actually have that book somewhere in a moving box. I need to find it.

I'm not quite sure if this a development or a spanner in the works.

DSD still refusing contact but has spoken to DP like there's no problem when he's picked up DSS.

DSS mum is throwing him a party at a venue, will mostly be her family and a few of her friends (not a class/school kids party) he has apparently said to his DM he wants my DD and mine and DP shared DC there at the party and to tell DSS if we can't/won't come.

This just raises so many potential issues and DP has asked my opinion but I just don't know what it is.

I don't know if my DD will want to go with the recent history of DSD behaviour but I imagine she will feel like she should go.

DSD likes to show off and perform and I can imagine her treating DP badly for a performance but then maybe I'm being negative and it might encourage her to talk or at least acknowledge him.

DSS normally fees very awkward and goes quite and mute if he sees DP and his DM in passing so I don't know if this is something he would want.

DP and his ex do not have a good co parenting relationship and don't attend the same things so this would be a whole new thing where she will be expecting him to say no and then tell the DC I wish daddy would come but he hates mummy so won't (this has been previously said when he's spoken to her she said well we don't like each other so I didn't lie)

Any advice on how to navigate this?

I don’t think I’d send my children to the party. Maybe your DH could suggest doing something special with them instead and leaving his mum to the family and friends party. That will be more comfortable for everyone, including DSS.

My STBXH is back from what I assume was his 5* all inclusive in Tenerife extravaganza with his other children (recreating the exact family holidays they went on when he was with his exW, including the holiday they had as a honeymoon - which he’s always been resentful that I refused to even consider as a destination). I’ve had a lovely 8 days of no contact whatsoever and it has been the most relaxed I have been in months. Just not always being on alert about what he’s going to demand next really.

Yet, this morning he’s already tried to guilt trip me and present the children he’s taken on holiday as poor victims. Why? Because he didn’t feel that I would facilitate video calls so the they SC could tell the toddler all about their fucking holiday.

It’s a clear reminder of how utterly fucked up his thought processes are. 🙄