Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

SudocremOnEverything that has been my point, there's plenty to do. She might decide to not see him next week so it's hardly making her spend hours in the cold everyday. There is other options.

Thelifeofawife we are similar we're out all winter wrapped up. We have dogs to walk to so the kids get wellies, hot drink and we have long walks and love it, even when we saw DSD we did this so not sure why it's not an acceptable option now, I suspect more to just hurry past and get everyone under the same roof like nothings happened.

I cope best by having plans for different scenarios and we've spoken at length and agreed we were on the same page but now reality is getting closer DP is changing his approach and seemingly expecting me as the adult to follow suit.

@NightOwl101 I really feel for you, my DH does the same kind of thing when we discuss things and agree, then when it comes to the crunch or some time down the line he does the complete opposite and says he never agreed to it - makes my head want to explode! Just feels like going round in circles.
We had issues with DSD and it was always the same sort of thing in terms of his approach. It came to the point where we weren’t together because of the impact his lack of ability to stand by his word and do the right thing had on me and my DC. We are trying again but I’m still seeing snippets of him doing things like this.

His DD is older so he has plenty of options for doing something with her that doesn’t have an impact on your DD, he has to consider her feelings in this or it will massively affect his relationship with her. She has to feel safe in her own home so just keep reminding him of that and that you don’t want to be forced to make a choice to remove yourself and your DD from his life because he’s not considering everyone in this situation

@Thelifeofawife That sounds very familiar to some of the problems I have with my STBXH. All the time and considerable effort (often with me having to do most of the thinking) to agree on what is the best way to balance competing needs, only for him to cast it all aside because he decides he can’t be bothered. It’s easier to upset me than his ex. It’s easier to undermine me (and scapegoat me) so he gets to look like superdad, while also avoiding having to do the unpleasant it’s of parenting. Easier to decide that my children don’t matter (including our child!). meanwhile, expecting me to do everything and put his children and him first.

i have never expected him to do any of the parenting for my DS. Nor have I expected him to financially support him. I never asked him to do anything. He just needed to recognise that he has a responsibility to consider how his actions and choices about his children affect everyone else. But he didn’t like that. He wanted me to take on all the parental drudgery for his kids - all the wife work, all the responsibility for discipline - but then constantly undermined me and made choices that were terrible for me and my children. Because it felt easiest to him.

Then he blamed me when I decided that he needed to fulfil his responsibilities, there needed to be boundaries and I was going to stand up and fight for my children.

As the story so often goes 😮‍💨

I hope it goes better for you this time.

Thelifeofawife it's extremely frustrating isn't it when they change the narrative what what you've discussed and agreed to something completely different and deny all knowledge.

I think this is just the straw that's broken the camels back. The things she's said and done over the years. The things she's accused me of doing making me out to be a monster and then admitting she's lied about I've worked through but now I'm done. She's done awful things to my DD and the cause of majority of DPs MH problems and that's impacted me and the DC in life changing ways and I just feel done 😔

It’s ok to feel done with that @NightOwl101.

Of course you don’t want your home to return to being somewhere you can’t feel safe. To go back to having to anticipate and protect yourself from potentially damaging lies. To go back to having to protect your daughter from a person who means her harm.

None of that is minor. Your DH really needs to accept the reality of his DD’s behaviour and the repercussions of it. And his ex’s choices and behaviour in relation to it. It WILL always limit him in various ways. So he needs to find ways to maintain a relationship with his DD without subjecting your and your children to very damaging behaviour.

You are not telling him he can’t have a relationship with his DD. His Ex and his DD have done that and now want to dictate the terms on which he’s allowed one. All you are doing is setting clear boundaries about what you aren’t willing to put up with, and what your children need. I’m certain that you would work with him to find suitable ways forward. But he HAS to recognise what the problem is and his role in that problem. Otherwise no solution will work.

Have you pointed out to DH that he's backtracking on the approach you agreed between you NightOwl101, and what was his excuse reason if so? And when he says you/he will make sure your DD is comfortable what exactly does he mean by that? Don't let him get away with vagaries in response to your (very valid) concerns, what will he do to make DD comfortable, how exactly is he going to balance his DD's needs with your DD's? If the DC come first then that goes for both DD's and he needs to come up with specific strategies for that, not just vague promises. This is a hill I'd be prepared to die on in your shoes OP and I would not be backing down, and certainly not because it's just 'easier' for him

SudocremOnEverything thank you. It's like you've given me validation for feeling the way I do when DP is trying to minimise it. I've said to him everyone needs to be at a stage where we're all comfortable and he nods and agrees but thinks that will happen overnight because he digs his head in the sand.

KateBalesCardi in all honesty I think in his mind him saying to my DD 'don't worry it will be fine and she'll be nice to you' is reassurance enough. I know full well he would be to nervous to tell her off and past experience has proven she knows when to pick a good moment and I don't want my DD or myself in that anxious position of waiting to see if/when/what happens.

His reasoning for changing things is 'oh it's getting cold/dark nights are setting in' and he just wants everyone round a dinner table together.

I think some of the problem for me is I know that my DD would be easily manipulated into agreeing to meet up ect because she has seen first hand the upset it has caused DP and I think if he asked her she would agree knowing how much he wants to see her which isn't fair to put her in that situation and as a child i don't believe it's appropriate.

This is very much a hill I'm willing to die on. I'm not willing to let my DD be uncomfortable and on edge and i can't go back to having my life dictated too by her having the power to pick and chose when she comes and how long for.

Of course it’s a hill to die on.

It sounds very much like he needs to prove that he is willing and able to deal with his daughter’s behaviour effectively, promptly, consistently (and even proactively).

He isn’t showing you that. Quite the opposite. It’s not ok for him to let you and your DD suffer because he’s too nervous to exercise his parental authority. The power dynamics are completely wrong.

Because it’s not just her choosing when she comes and how long for, is it?

It’s about her having the power to determine what happens or not. It will inevitably be about DSD holding your household to ransom. She will only come IF X, Y and Z. And if she’s not happy she’ll demand go back home. All the focus will be around not upsetting DSD. And you will, of course, be entirely the blame for not having performed adequately to her specifications.

Your DH needs therapy to learn how to reconfigure the power in his relationship with his daughter - and possibly to come to terms with the parts that are out of his control there. Placating her and having everyone jump to her tune will only make everything worse.

This stuff is horrible for everyone. Including DSD who simply should not be in a position to dictate things like this or your emotionally blackmail her father. He needs to set proper boundaries for her sake as much as anyone else’s.

@NightOwl101 as I've said before, I'm not a SM, so feel free to disregard this post, but just as an outsider - how can this situation possibly be reasonable? If a stranger at school had bullied your DD so badly would you be inviting them around for tea to try and build a relationship? I'm pretty sure the answer is no. And yet your DH thinks your DSD should have free rein of the house whenever and your DD should be OK with that?
I really don't see how any good can come from this- your DSD has laid down the law to her own DF and he's just meekly going to do as he's told. Your DSD is going to be a mini dictator in your house, he'll be afraid for any of your to say a word out of place. You need to make it abundantly clear to him that this is so not a good idea. I really wish you luck, and if necessary, the strength to end all this

SudocremOnEverything I think your completely right that it will get to the point where DSD demands X, Y and Z and if they aren't met then she will punish DP by refusing contact again. This isn't the first time she's done this but it is the longest.

I agree DP needs some kind of therapy but unfortunately I can't get him to agree.

He has said that as it's his daughter she gets an unlimited amount of chances and when I point out that it may be true from his perspective but it isn't from everyone else's and actions have consequences and unfortunately her actions do, he agrees she's a child and her actions shouldn't be held against her. But then has nothing to say regarding the bullying and things she has said and done.

Daleksatemyshed I completely agree with you, that has been my argument. No way would anyone invite there child's bully into their home. Make that child share their space, cook them dinner, do their washing. It just wouldn't ever be expected yet in this instance the posts seem to have changed.

I think he needs to realise it’s not about the chances. You are not telling him to reject her.

You’re saying that he needs to approach this in a way that takes account of how everyone else is affected.

And also that he needs to set boundaries for her. Because letting her call the shots and use contact as a weapon in this way is terrible for her.

She's allowed chances and there his prerogative to do, but your DC also have the right to feel comfortable in their own home @NightOwl101

He actually needs to be the father she needs not the father she wants.

She needs to know that he loves her but that he will set boundaries consistently for her. That he won’t just acquiesce out of terror of not seeing her.

Right now she’s just learning to manipulate and demand displays of fealty. That’s not being loved. But it’s what she’s learning love is. Which is setting her up for a lifetime of very unhealthy relationships.

He also does need to recognise that she is not your child. And you don’t have to let her destroy your home life or subject your dd to bullying in her own home.

I wonder how he'd feel if the situation was reversed? If his DD had been bullied by yours would he be forcing her to spend time with her bully? He sounds desperate enough to say he would even though you/we know he absolutely wouldn't but the question might at least start the cogs turning in his head.

In the meantime you being a buffer between your DD and his potential manipulation of her is vital and I would be insisting that you are the only person to speak to her about her feelings on spending time with his DD. Tell DH the truth, that DD will say she's ok when she's not to save his feelings and that's an unfair burden to put on a child. Explain that she will be honest with you where she wouldn't be with him and that it's your job to advocate for her in exactly the same way he is advocating for his DD. Then make it crystal clear that this is his responsibility to resolve and that any resolution has to be fair to everyone, and fair to your DD does not include being forced to share space with her bully.

If you keep batting it back to him to fix he's going to go one of two ways though so you need to be prepared for both eventualities. He will either start to realise how impossible his DD is making the situation and work on parenting her in a different way, or he will turn all the blame on you/your DD and it will ultimately end your relationship. It's obvious from your posts that you will always protect your DD so he will leave you with no choice but to separate if he can't see beyond his fear of losing his DD and step up as a parent. And if he can't/won't then he has to accept that he will lose you because there is no way for him to keep parenting as he is and still expect you to put up with the repercussions that brings for you and your DD.

CornishGem1975 I completely agree she is allowed and unlimited amount of chances with him, he's her father and that's his decision. What I don't agree with is his assumption that because he says she's allowed unlimited chances with him that it also means with the rest of us too. I want him to have the best possible relationship he can have with her but it doesn't need to include anyone else.

SudocremOnEverything I think he feels that he can't be any kind of parent to her because she refuses to see him until he learns so to him he either bows down and has a relationship or accepts that if he doesn't then he can't. She knows how much he loves her, she knows he will do anything for her and I think that is what she is playing on.

KateBalesCardi your post gave me a lot to think about. I think your correct that I do need to keep batting it back to him to find solutions too. Looking at the situation I can see I'm trying to find solutions for him which 1) I can't because it will never be the solution he wants 2) isn't in my DDs best and safest interests and therefore I'm in a way accepting liability for this situation being the way it is, if that makes sense.

I will make perfect perfect clear that DD will not be meeting up at all unless me and her talk and I decide it's okay for her and not that she feels she should do so. If he try's to talk or encourage I will go nuclear becaus he knows how much she was affected. He saw the crying, anxiety and stress even going in the school run caused her because of DSD.

Unfortunately I think it will boil down to him believing it's me making obstacles and I can see him getting frustrated when I don't give in and allow things to go to DSD having full control and me just allowing that influence over us all.

He will get frustrated, I've kind of been where you are with my DH and it was like WW3 in our house until he finally realised he couldn't ride roughshod over the rest of our household to appease his DC. I found it really hard to stick to my (entirely reasonable) guns and withstand the onslaught of emotional blackmail and guilt tripping but giving in would have benefitted no one, least of all my DD so, like you, I really had no choice but to stand firm.

Also like you I had my own feelings and issues with DSC's behaviour which he was aware of but my focus was always on DD's feelings which helped counter the 'DC come first' argument because yes DH they do, and that includes DD! My own feelings were overwhelming though and I couldn't fully hide them, I don't hate my DSC (and relations are somewhat repaired between us now) but I did hate the position they put us in and even DH now admits it was untenable and grossly unfair to DD and also to me.

So we have made it out the other side but it took months of arguing, months of me being strong and fighting mine and DD's corner, months of DH struggling to come to terms with the conflict of needs between the people he loves. But what we've ended up with is far more calm and equitable than what we had before, DSC has learned that they can't disregard other people's feelings or needs and DH has realised that he has to be fair to everyone. It's taken time (and huge determination from me!) but it's actually ok now, I really hope it will be for you too.

Never stop standing up for what's fair though, you and DD matter too and he can't be allowed to forget or disregard that. PM me if you like, my situation wasn't identical but similar enough that I understand what you're dealing with, I know how hard it is.

KateBalesCardi thank you for the PM offer, I may take you up on that.

It's so difficult being 'the bad guy' and the one that has to keep fighting. I'm sorry you went through similar but it's hopeful to hear you and your DH made it out of the other side.

I thought we had a development earlier. A really good deep conversation I made my boundaries clear as possible and he didn't like them but agreed we had to protect ALL Dc and I would support him in anyway to have a relationship but fundamentally I would always do what was right by my DD regardless of the outcome between me and him. We agreed that whatever occurs now and in the future needs to be between him and his DD and then in a long long time if things are consistent and he has appropriate parental boundaries we will discuss other children and myself then but I made no promises. After lots of back and forth we agreed.

Then he bumped into DSD and seemed to agree her and my DD can play some online game together as long as their both nice

God. That’s so frustrating @NightOwl101 .

Ugh, it's one step forward three steps back isn't it, so frustrating! Best advice I can give you is to pull him up on his inconsistency/backtracking every time it happens, it will be annoying as fuck for both of you (for entirely different reasons!) and may well cause some rows but I found it was the only thing that really worked.

He needs to see what he's doing in realtime and feel the consequences of his flip-flopping as it happens, the time for cutting him any slack has passed imo. I think you said before that you feel it's easier for him to upset you than his DD or ex and that's what needs to change, you need to start expressing your upset loud and clear and in the moment as stuff happens.

If you're anything like me that will be a challenge, I've always been non-confrontational and have also always tried to make my DH's relationship with his DC as easy as possible so it felt very uncomfortable for me to keep kicking off at him but it really was the only way to make him face up to what he was doing. It was like living in a war zone for a while and I think DH wondered what had happened to his easy going, cooperative DW but I just couldn't keep having mine and DD's feelings and needs trampled all over.

It's just absolutely draining 😔 I think we're making small progress and then it's 3 steps back.

He's told my DD today that he doesn't have a problem with them playing as long as their both nice but I'm not sure so it's my decision. I've explained to DD that with everything that's happened I don't think this is appropriate and no I'm not comfortable and her well-being is my absolute priority and she's happy with that. Way to make me look like the bad guy though

My first vent. SD 12 and SS 15.
have been in my life for four years. Their mother left my DH and I think lost the plot during COVID. A few months back Pulled the kids out of school without telling us and put them in online school with high fees. Has constantly lied to us and hidden information about the children particularly the eldest who has a health condition.

DH’s ex Lied to the children multiple times to the point we got a solicitor involved finally to try to enforce parental responsibility and start of agreed access. She actually loves the kids being with us as she likes the time off but she has been telling them outrageous things from us accusing her of x y z to not paying her money to alienate.

This has resulted in both kids now refusing to see us and have ghosted us. The worst part is DH has recently gotten some medical news that is life changing and we have no way to even prepare the kids for it.

They have ghosted me too.

the impact to theirs and my DH mental health is significant. I can only hope when they get older they will return to us.

Oh that's familiar! I ended up just accepting that I was going to be the bad guy and convincing myself not to care, difficult when you're naturally a people pleaser (I am, although peri menopause is helping me be less so!) but I just kept reminding myself it was about protecting DD and staying sane myself so I had no choice.

Ultimately we wouldn't need to protect our DD's if the other adult in the equation was behaving in any way fairly or reasonably, but when you're up against dad-guilt and his fear of losing contact, reason goes out the window. For me what worked was consistently offering fair solutions (like him seeing his DD outside the house for now) and refusing to back down to make his life easier avoid being the bad guy, once I stopped caring about that it was much harder for him to guilt me into thinking I was the unreasonable one.

If you're anything like me you will have always tried to make his life and relationship with his DC easier rather than harder so it comes as quite a shock to them when something is important enough to us that we stop doing that and push back instead. But it is important, your feelings matter and so do your DD's and neither of you were the 'aggressor' here, his DD instigated this situation and it's not up to you to fix it. It's hard, not fixing it when you usually would and it won't feel comfortable for you but the alternative is to let him and his DD trample all over yours/DD's feelings and boundaries.

I really feel for you, he's putting you in an impossible position and until/unless he steps up and starts making some tough parenting decisions nothing will change. My DH did eventually see reason but I haven't forgotten or fully forgiven tbh how gruelling it was getting through it, I remember feeling utterly exhausted by it.

Sorry JuliaSt1993, my reply was to NightOwl101's post above yours, I took so long to type it I missed your post Your situation sounds awful for you and your DH and like a classic case of parental alienation to me. Have you had any advice from a solicitor about parental alienation as I believe the courts take a dim view of it these days? I don't know whether there's any kind of family mediation involved which might actually help to reconcile him and DC (which I'm sure is his, and your, priority) but it's certainly worth getting some advice about what can be done.

KateBalesCardi it is so exhausting isn't it 😔 I feel defeated. I've always supported him having the best relationship possible, always gone out my way to make things as easy as they can be and you are right it's a huge shock when you push back and be like actually this doesn't work for me. I'm lucky in the sense that my DD is old enough to understand that I'm trying to protect her and not be mean and to be honest if she thought otherwise I would still stick with my reasoning because i genuinely believe it's her best and safest interests at this moment in time.

The whole situation is destroying his mental health. I'm sick of getting the brunt end of it all. I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on 😔