Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

11 years in , they are young adults now and I love them to pieces I have been very lucky I know. Both their parents on the same page when it comes to what's important, how you treat people,
work ethic etc, which has been a big factor. Much love to those struggling x

This couldn't come at a better time.

I'm struggling to see the point as any effort I make is just ignored or expected and as soon as there is anything that goes wrong or we have behavioural problems the blame lays at my door!!

I'm starting to see the development of a vindictive and manipulative child, coached by her mother and im really struggling to remain the kind, caring & understanding step mother that I wanted to be & started out being.

I just feel worn down, used and very under appreciated

I'm genuinely sorry to read how difficult a time, you ladies are having.

In my experience, I often think DH/DP is part of the problem. They play DW/P, & ex, off each other....because they're so bloody indecisive. This adds to the problem massively.

In my case, me & ex DH have a great relationship. The GF hates that. For me, I find it sad she doesn't look at him & think 'respect' he isn't just ditching & running away.

She has no interest in our children & actively seeks to remove them. Such as, let's renovate this house, it beautiful & lots of entertaining space. Oops it's only got one bedroom. Seriously.

You all sound wonderful & genuinely deserve to be treated far better.

@Falma thank you ☺️I think mostly, step mums are just trying to make the best of it

@CornishGem1975

Absolutely this. I think SC are great (some of the time 🤣) but I don’t love them and I think we a lower tolerance for their drama, attitude, back chat, laziness etc I think it also stems from the fact that step children tend to get a lot of attention all round and that can shift the focus on to wanting to protect our bio kids more

@Bosabosa ☺️☺️

@Lucky34 unfortunately I found the more I put myself, tried to be involved, tried too hard really the worse off I felt. Our efforts will never be relished because I think that most people just assume that we need to accept our responsibility and get on with it. So if we try a bit harder or really make an effort it’s still seen as the bare minimum we should be doing 🙄

@Planetbippop thank you for your lovely comment ☺️ We are all trying our best i think.

You are absolutely right about DH/DP. My DP still feels guilty about leaving his previous relationship 16 years ago!! No idea why as SC has fared very well from it, massive welcoming, loving families on both sides, more Christmas’s than you can shake a stick at lol etc but they do feel very responsible (most do) then comes the Disney dad bit (which in my case wore off over the years) but I still get a glimpse every now and then 😏

I think the men worry because of the perceived or real threat of no access or being taken to CMS etc which causes irrational behaviour plus i think they can be oblivious also.

@HumptyDumpty2022

I was unable to form any bond whatsoever with my husband’s daughter. She was/is a very unpleasant individual with challenging behaviour encouraged by her mother. My SS however is a different kettle of fish altogether. We had our normal ups and downs but have always had a nice honest relationship and I’m very fond of him. They are full brother and sister but he was a little older and could see the manipulative game his mother was playing and refused to be part of it. I’ve gone NC with the daughter and wouldn’t care if I never met her again, whereas I enjoy seeing my SS. Of course it’s not practical for this to happen.

Exactly the same situation here. SD turns 21 soon. DP has played his part and has been in therapy and mending his own relationship with his dd which (while he pretended to love and support her and cover up his more authentic shameful negative feelings, just escalated her behaviour) made things impossible. Haven’t seen SD for a year. We are thinking to start building bridges this year.

I’m traumatised. It’s been gruelling. Very gruelling. That me and DP are still together is nothing short of a miracle.

SS is lovely and I have a great relationship with him.

Step parenting is not for the faint hearted.

to all

This thread is just what I need at the moment!
I’ve found being a stepparent so hard from day 1. I think I initially overlooked a lot at the start because of having found my perfect partner in my now husband. We’ve had massive problems with SS behaviour and general attitude but tried to muddle through. The ex has always been extremely high conflict and has tried to make our lives as difficult and miserable as possible.
SS’s behaviour has slowly been getting worse and the impact it was having on the home EOW was becoming too much. He’d have my husband in tears with the things he’d say, began getting violent and then began lying saying id been verbally abusive and mistreating him while here. Even though his Mum claims she believed him (which she rightfully should) she was pushing him to come back over 🙄
I refuse to put myself in a situation where he could make other more serious lies up so now I have no contact with him at all. Husband has his EOW contact staying at my in-laws. We have a shared baby so we obviously want to keep working on our marriage rather than splitting over this.
Has anyone else navigated a no contact situation successfully?

Hi I’ve joined here today as I am feeling really down and just don’t know who to turn to. I’ve Been with my partner for six years now. He proposed in January and we are planning on getting married next year. My problem is his relationship with my three boys mainly due to their father turning them against him. From day one their father didn’t like him and has always told them I put him before the boys. This is not the case and I always make sure I do things with the boys on my own, including taking them on holidays. They are 22, 15 and 12. My eldest is Starting to realise how manipulative his father is and after a troubled few years I am building my relationship back with him as two years ago he moved out due to his dad turning him against me. The problem is every time the boys spend time with their dad the whole of their dads family spend the whole time slagging me off. I’ve never stopped the boys seen their dad because I didn’t want them to resent me. However my 12-year-old had a great relationship with my partner but this is becoming strained due to him now being influenced by his dad like the other two were. My 15-year-old will not speak to my partner and I’m worried that that relationship can never be fixed. What is difficult is I feel that my partner doesn’t try himself. He has a seven-year-old and makes a lot more effort with him then he does with my children. He does everything for his child ( he says it’s because he is younger) but moans at my children when they are messy which doesn’t help things and only makes them think their father is right. I love my partner but at the moment it seems that my ex partner is getting what he wants and nobody in my house is happy. I don’t really know what to do and I was hoping that they were people in a similar situation that could help me.

@Stopandsmelltheflowers

This thread is just what I need at the moment! I’ve found being a stepparent so hard from day 1. I think I initially overlooked a lot at the start because of having found my perfect partner in my now husband. We’ve had massive problems with SS behaviour and general attitude but tried to muddle through. The ex has always been extremely high conflict and has tried to make our lives as difficult and miserable as possible. SS’s behaviour has slowly been getting worse and the impact it was having on the home EOW was becoming too much. He’d have my husband in tears with the things he’d say, began getting violent and then began lying saying id been verbally abusive and mistreating him while here. Even though his Mum claims she believed him (which she rightfully should) she was pushing him to come back over 🙄 I refuse to put myself in a situation where he could make other more serious lies up so now I have no contact with him at all. Husband has his EOW contact staying at my in-laws. We have a shared baby so we obviously want to keep working on our marriage rather than splitting over this. Has anyone else navigated a no contact situation successfully?

It's so hard isn't it.

After my SDs vicious lies I'm not allowed to see the kids, I've posted further down with the details, but DH is trying to regain contact, he is seeing his DS tomorrow at his mums house and that's how it will stay, I was accused of all types of things and I can't cope with the thought of going through that again, both children were also horrible to my children, my DS is autistic and they would love winding him up about things he did.

It's been horrific, I tried so hard with my SC I was paying for everything, organising days out, movie days etc. i would also go out with my children so they could have special time with their dad.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but it's fine to set boundaries, as long as you and your DH are happy with the new set up then carry on.

Really sympathise with all of you having a hard time. I have 2 SC who are pre teens and I think the only reason that it works well is that we have had them full time for a few years now. I don’t have my own so have had to adjust to being a ‘mum’ - I don’t have the title but have the role if that makes sense - which hasn’t always been easy.
It was awful before we had them full time. Extremely high conflict ex who did all the usual manipulation, lies, etc etc. She lost PR and any custody at all due to parental alienation. The kids have regular but limited contact with her so they are protected from her emotional abuse. It was not an easy thing to get full custody but absolutely the right thing for the SC.
I’m not really sure I’d have coped if we had continued with being in the non resident parent situ constantly held hostage to her bullshit and with my DH being prevented from being a proper parent to his kids.

I really hope the new set up works! It’s a very new situation so fingers crossed!
As much as I want to just focus on getting my marriage back on track and moving forwards with positivity, I feel so much anger and resentment for things that have happened in the past. I’ve swallowed up so much hurt and disappointment and it feels like it’s just all replaying in my mind at the moment. It’s kind of the opposite of how I expected to feel now things should be settling down.

@Stopandsmelltheflowers

I really hope the new set up works! It’s a very new situation so fingers crossed! As much as I want to just focus on getting my marriage back on track and moving forwards with positivity, I feel so much anger and resentment for things that have happened in the past. I’ve swallowed up so much hurt and disappointment and it feels like it’s just all replaying in my mind at the moment. It’s kind of the opposite of how I expected to feel now things should be settling down.

Completely understandable, I feel exactly the same. It all hits at once, it's really difficult to get through it, but I found a brilliant therapist. It all caused me to have a nervous breakdown, but I'm coming out the other side. Just know that you are not alone.

I am a new step parent and I sometimes have trouble with feeling overly over protective towards the DC. I know it’s an issue so I try to take a step back. DP I fear is the issue sometimes with his ex being a major flake, and he tolerates things I didn’t tolerate from my ex and sometimes I don’t understand why, but we don’t argue over it I acknowledge we are just different people (and grit my teeth)

DP is a great hands on dad and I do love the kids. I don’t dislike his ex in lots of ways, she is super nice polite and friendly to me. I just feel upset for the kids when she lets them down a lot but when she is present they are obviously very happy. Her constant flaking affects our own social life horrendously, and it’s a DP problem not an ex problem so to speak

she sees DP as her lackey to do all the drudge in her life and I have seen this with my own eyes over and over. It is also interesting that not one of his entire (massive) family and friends respect her either for the same reasons. as she doesn’t respect my DP and I get exasperated he doesn’t seem to respect himself sometimes! He could avoid a lot of this crap by politely sticking up for himself but I’ve also met his mother so it explains a lot

My kids have a stepmum and she’s amazing

I’m 6 or 7 years into being a step parent and it’s so much harder now that we share our own children. Dr Patricia Papernow has produced some good work , also youtube videos. Helps to put some complicated feelings into perspective. Nevertheless unless DH is on board things won’t change for me, so I find myself feeling stressed out in the lead up to every stay of step kids. The toxicity of step kids mother is pervasive. This has not let up as the kids have gotten older and we are all on egg shells if “something” happens while the kids are with us eg normal childhood stuff like forgetting a shoe or water bottle, a graze or tummy ache, is made into a dramatic event in order for my DH to be admonished. This is certainly not the life I envisaged for myself. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and quite frequently I am finding I want to get off!

I've been a stepmum for 6 years, with sd2 coming to live with us full time 3 years ago, we also have 2 children together. My dh is a great dad, and a good husband BUT if I knew then what I know now, I never would have stayed. My stepdaughters are pretty good kids but I underestimated the impact their mum would have on our lives together. Also noone ever told me my feelings towards my sc in general could change after having my own

I'm finding it easier to accept that we'll never have a 'normal' life. I've held a lot of resentment about me and our DC, having to suck up coming way down the list of priorities because first family always comes first.

@CornishGem1975 this is a big think for me. I know my DP loves me and DC all the world but there is something that holds him to his precious life. The amount of drop everything and run off or not even considering the fact that the rate of maintenance he has paid for 16 years has meant we have only ever had one holiday abroad in all that time!

Young adults here. Over 18 (just) when we met, 2 decided to move in with us, one each fortunately term time they are away at university but they come home in about 4 hours.

My experience is probably different because no parenting really required. Dp's dd asks me for advice and likes to hang out with me, she chose to move in with us despite having a home but she's got a mum. My dd for the first time specifically invited dp to her event, breakthrough

Thank you for this thread. I don't have my own children but DP has several in their teens. Luckily the children all really like me but the ex makes our lives a misery. Everything becomes high conflict and although I've gone out of my way to try to make her comfortable with me, including meeting her so she could get to know me, she makes things very difficult. She keeps accusing DP of parental alienation and his contact has been reduced, despite the children begging the courts and their mum for more time with their dad. The courts simply believe the mum is a total angel and if the children have a difficult relationship with her, it cannot possibly be due to her actions, it must be DP bad mouthing her. Unfortunately, one of the teenagers told her they preferred me to her as I was kind, listened to them and didn't shout. This made her worse.

I go out of my way to give them lovely, uncomplicated family time with DP but the ex resents every minute of it. The eldest who is an adult says the ex is very jealous of me and that's the problem, that I'm the person she wanted to be, plus their dad loves me. All I want is to be with DP without the shitstorm of his previous relationship.

Just putting this down in writing is helpful. Thank you.

Went to a pick up today which was not early morning... The DM wasn’t home and her DP had lost track of time so one child (and the DP) was in PJ’s. It was all chaos, no bags ready. DP ended up had to take child upstairs in their house and dress them. Mum wasn’t answering her phone (she had the other child). We went to where we thought mum was after waiting 45 mins she didn’t even say sorry or hello. It is all very weird. This is the weird stuff that I have to get used to 🤣

I’m not even two years in, so a relative Newbury. So far things are great with the kids, as their father is anything but a Disney dad, does 50:50 any goes all out for them (as he should) and spends all his money on them rather than himself (they’re not spoilt but they never go without), but won’t tolerate rudeness or bad behaviour either. They get along great with my DS and I honestly think they like me mostly just because I brought him to the party (so to speak). The ex, however, upsets me greatly as she wants to take the kids away from my partner and is trying every trick in the book to do so. I find it deeply sad that she wants to take them away from a father who loves them so much, but I need to step back from that.

I’m not that worried about the teenage years. I know they will be awful but I teach teenagers so I think I’m pretty well educated in the ways of teens and hope that just weathering it out will mean they come out the other end as the lovely people they are now (in adult form) and they still at least tolerate me and love my DS. Who knows, but I know that as a teacher I have always cared about even the most difficult teens and wonder how they are, so I think of my step children in the same way as my students in that I care deeply for them but if they leave my life (if my relationship breaks a down rather than if they leave my class/school) then I still wish them well and hope I have had a positive influence on their lives. I know my step-kids don’t need me, I don’t need to be their mum, but I hope that by being present in their lives I am a positive presence and that’s all I aim for

Great idea for a thread, I could definitely do with some support! I've been a SM for over 20 years, DSC were little when DH and I got together and are now in their 20's. I've always been pretty happy and felt fairly lucky, I won't say there weren't problems when they were younger (the ex!) but nothing compared to the last few years.

DH seems to have saved all his Disney-dadding for when DSC were adults, aggravated by the arrival of his first DGC. DSS has become progressively more needy over about the last 5 years and spends enormous amounts of time at our house, taking full advantage of being waited on like a guest and not having to look after DGC because we're running around after them. It's complicated by the fact that he and DGC's mum have split and he has 50/50 care which I think he struggles with but I don't feel DH is doing him any favours by doing it all for him.

It's been unfortunate timing, our DD together is teenage now and becoming more independent, I'm peri menopausal and was/am looking forward to a break in caring responsibilities before either/both sets of parents start needing some help and I really wasn't prepared or up for spending hours every day looking after a baby/small child at this point in my life.

It's caused an absolute shitstorm in my marriage, I've never really had cause to push back on anything before and DH did not respond well to me trying to set any sort of boundaries but I've had to persevere for the sake of my sanity. We've found some sort of middle ground now but I still feel under siege too much of the time. I'd stupidly hoped DH and I might get a little bit of time to ourselves now all the kids are older and it's hurt me massively that he neither feels the same nor understands why I feel that way