@Thelifeofawife so i can only answer based on my experience and obviously I will put it out there we are extremity fortunate that cost of running two homes isn't a major factor. There is a cost obviously we don't earn millions but it's comfortable to do this and practical.
You would think it would solve all the problems wouldnt you but it just makes new and unusual ones. Like people do not understand and will say wait but how do you do Christmas or birthdays or events ect and the truthful answer with dammed a lot of difficulty. I usually give a bland answer that holiday are tricky for everyone
Most people even when they know the background still are rather stumped. We have had to do this because DSC has hurt both children in my house, hurt other kids in the past and recently and hurt the family dog so badly we had to get it rehomed for the dogs well-being and safety. It's been ongoing problem with DSC but escalated massively. The problem being is she simply doesn't see a problem with what's she's done. At all. We tried positive reenforcement, punishment, reducing contact, withholding things she likes, nothing really made her reflect and be sorry. She is just not, so we thought right how do we do this because no one's going anywhere. Threw the rule book out and went ok what can we do . But it's so far removed from the normal, people distrust you, question your motives even if I explain trying to keep all children (including DSD from various forms of harm cause by themselves or caused the actions of another).
My situation is extreme enough for it to be worth it on some level but I would argue it's child lead and a last resort option we wouldn't be doing it unless the only other option was to split. My shared Dc with DH is always with me and doesn't visit the other home when DSC is present. So DC loses out time with their dad everytime he has DSC. Which is exactly what DSD has said she wants. She doesn't want to share me either but unfortunately I can't magic my kids away to spend every waking day with her so she gets one on one with me alone outside of contact and DH facilities that with having the other Dc
To answer your questions : (ask as many as you like) just in case someone stumbles across this and feels less alone it will be worth the essay lol 😂
how do you find this works for your relationship?
So sometimes it work's Brillantly actually I'm more grateful for DP when he's here and feels more like dating sometimes. I have my house back and I'm not always walking on eggshells. DH can parent how he wants to and my Dc don't see that so no conflict there. Less arguments for sure. Other days when the babies screaming and the toddler has been throwing up and I'm being sick and I really need my team mate, I resent being forced to be a single parent because a teen has backed us into a corner re this. She's made it plain she thinks DH should chose and wants mum and dad back together. One time I called DP with that exact situation and DSD chimed in but daddy we were gonna watch a film and took great joy in seeing him torn. DP stayed with her as I felt like a awful person for even asking, but less awful when DP told me that DSD ignored him all night. To her it wasn't about time spent with DH but keeping him away from us. So you have to accept that during contact you are essentially a single parent.
Is it worth it to remove the stress and drama,
It does in the sense I'm no longer fearing for my Dc to get hurt by "accident", conflict in parenting styles, and obviously my precious items can't be damaged further. Also means pets are now back on table and losing them was a massive blow to me tbh. It depends on the day, today it's a yes because I can say ok bye to all the drama caused by DSDs mum and DSD doesn't have unfettered access to me or my Dc with these "views"
or do you find it causes other issues because you don’t see DH as much and you’re not all one family unit?
You know this whole one big happy family isn't something that bothers me as much but bothers DP badly. I quite like (when all is well) alone time with my Dc. I actually quite like time with DSD but I recognise she can only do one on one and is at her best as such,neither one of us can change that. On Christmas birthdays it becomes a thing, as it's just a bit sad. I didn't sign up for this idea when I married DP, I feel bit tricked tbh. That said I did sign up for him and I do believe he's my missing half. As much as I want to throttle him most days. I recongise that this isn't what he wanted either and ultimately not what DSC wants either (because she wants to patent trap her parents and her liking me is a unforeseen complication lol) so we are all a bit unhappy with it so I suppose that's the definition of compromise.
I do think "I wish..." but I felt more like a outsider in my home before than now doing it this way. Now I have my safe place for my Dc and me and I'm safe in the knowledge that I'm not depriving a DSD of her dad and making DP chose. Do I worry for how I will explain it to the kids when they are older yes but hopefully we will have moved on from this at that point.
But there's few brave enough to say they wouldn't do the same to keep their kids safe. Arguably she's getting one on one contact time with her dad which neither of Dd or DS will get as they share his time when he's here.
If asked I will tell the kids why when older. I will also say this maybe a massive mistake on our part...but if it's this or losing my DP well I want to know I did everything I could to make it work. We simply had no other options tbh.
No regrets and all that jazz !!! Omg how long is this post ! (Ps sorry for typos feeding baby and typing at same time)