Step parent support thread

Narwhalelife · 2022-03-29T11:53:34+00:00

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced [grin] I also have a DD with DP. I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents). This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site. It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

Original poster

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 12:54

First post is to apologise for the typos 🤣

OP posts:

HumptyDumpty2022 · 29/03/2022 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 13:12

Personally my experience has been up and down and it’s about to change again as SC becomes an adult very soon. But underlying it all, my advice would always be to avoid step parenthood if at all possible, it’s a lot of heart ache, stress, eggshell walking for some brilliant times/things x

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CornishGem1975 · 29/03/2022 13:24

I'm only a few years in and it's been challenging (I have my own DC and we have a shared DC also now) but I do feel I've not had the worst of it yet as they are still primary age. I think teenage years are going to be eye-opening.

ThackeryBinks · 29/03/2022 13:31

Thank you for the thread! I've just done a really successful blended family BBQ! Gathered them all up and we went to the pub for the evening to watch a really good local band. It's the first time I feel I've had fun myself with them, I'm 7 years in. It's funny because I've kind of stopped trying as hard. I was surprised that the (adult) kids bought actual BBQ food though it wasn't needed. Don't think the ex realised that the BBQ was at ours. I was so shocked she bought the DSS's food to bring. I thought we may have turned a corner with regards to her hatred towards us! DSS3 was tasked with food retrieval yesterday!! The ex was fuming! Thank god I never cooked her sausages!

candlesandpitchforks · 29/03/2022 14:32

SM and mum and honest to god being a sm has opened my eyes to the sheer level of hypocrisy that lives in blended families.
It's a hard line to walk but we have found some semblance of balance. Defo have had our issues though.

I will say it massively helps if the adults co parent well. If your stuck between to parents waring your in for a rocky road ! Sp isnt for the faint hearted.

Who knew that people in this day and age still hated SP so much! Madnesses really

DONTYELL · 29/03/2022 16:34

It's much better now the ex has a partner. And I've never tried to "mum" them.

user47000000000 · 29/03/2022 17:14

Yes! So needed! Have you heard the Stepmum Space podcast. Some really good interviews with stepmums actually speaking the truth on it!

Original poster

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 17:24

@user47000000000 oo will have to check that out! Thank you.

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Original poster

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 17:27

@CornishGem1975
Tbh I found that the early years when SC was younger were worse because we had to have more contact with DPex but the teen years are challenging in different ways (hormones) but also the difference in how we raised DD to how SC was raised with their mother shows more now.

And the demands become a bit more open to and the teen years was when we had the first comments from SC that we favoured DD which was hard to swallow considering all the bending me and DD have had to do over the years 🤣🤣

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Original poster

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 17:29

@ThackeryBinks

This sounds awesome! I’m hoping the adult years are easier in some degree. I think our ex may have come round to collect the food had she known 🤣

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Original poster

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 17:33

@candlesandpitchforks 100% being a step parent is an extreme sport 🤣

But I agree, it was much more tricky when SC was younger because the goalposts agreements constantly changed and my DP was desperate to not be seen as a dead beat dad (which is respectable) but did mean he went over the top and our plans changed A LOT. Teen years were easier in that respect.

Like you, I have never been mum to SC just cool hip extra adult 🤣

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tiddlywinks2 · 29/03/2022 17:50

Another new step mum. Have been with my partner 2 years, met his children DD 11 and DS 10. It was lovely at first.

Their mother doesn't like me, at all. I have 3 children and she would regularly send horrible messages about my children to DP, especially targeting my 3 year old.

Fast forward to may last year, DD came to us for the weekend, then begged her dad to let her stay, said she was scared to go home, her step dad was horrible, her mum wasn't great with her and didn't do anything about her step dad etc.

So DP called mum, she flipped, extremely angry, told my DP I was trying to steal her child 😳 basically blamed it all on me. I wasn't even apart of the conversation that SD and DP had.

She ended up staying with us, we tried to work things out with her mum, asked her to tell her mum how she was feeling, if she couldn't do it to her face to write a letter. So that's what she did, cue to her receiving it, she turned up at the door screaming abuse about me, my children were terrified!

Fast forward again, SD 'sorted' things with her mum and was happy to see her again which was great! She didn't come back one weekend and ghosted her dad. Find out that all the was saying was rubbish, her mum love bombed her with lots of expensive gifts, so now, I'm the bad one, it was all my fault. And the kids aren't allowed anywhere near me. I still can't get my head around it to be honest, it's been the most awful, gut wrenching time, she's called SS on me, bought up my previous abusive marriage. You name it, she's done it.

So yeah, being a step mum is great

HappinessButterfly · 29/03/2022 17:59

The only thing me and my partner ever argue about are the kids (we have 3 between us). But we talk about everything, no matter how uncomfortable it is, and that helps.

Harlequin1088 · 29/03/2022 18:18

Being a stepmom is hard. I have two stepsons aged 12 and 18 and am currently pregnant with my first child. Due any day now and partner and I are both very excited. Stepkids have been quite nice since they found out we were expecting but have been making excuses for the last 4-5 weeks about why the can’t come to visit for the weekend. They live with their Mum about an hour away from us and we always go to collect them so transport isn’t an issue. Partner things it’s because they’re doing pre-teen/teen things with their mates which I agree with to some extent but the paranoia is starting to set in now and I’m worried they’re not coming because they know the baby is due in the next couple of weeks and I’m worried they’ve decided they don’t want anything to do with it after all….

ilovemyboys3 · 29/03/2022 19:21

I'm finding it tough at the moment. My step children are 9 and 11 and are coming into pre teen years. They have so much back chat and always say... you can't tell me what to do, your not my mum. This would be the comment to something like.. please can you put your shoes away, or please can you take your plate to the kitchen etc. We have a baby together and I have a 7 year old of my own and I want him to be independent and help with chores and scrapping plates etc, when he's old enough, we'll fall enough, I want him to help with washing up etc, not because I want him to be a slave, but because it teaches them life lessons. My step children at say.... I'm not doing that then walk off. How can I make my child do something they refuse to do. Why should they walk off and he stay and help me tidy up etc.
me and my partner have been together 4 years and it was easier when they were younger, they are opinionated now!

tiddlywinks2 · 29/03/2022 19:43

@ilovemyboys3

I'm finding it tough at the moment. My step children are 9 and 11 and are coming into pre teen years. They have so much back chat and always say... you can't tell me what to do, your not my mum. This would be the comment to something like.. please can you put your shoes away, or please can you take your plate to the kitchen etc. We have a baby together and I have a 7 year old of my own and I want him to be independent and help with chores and scrapping plates etc, when he's old enough, we'll fall enough, I want him to help with washing up etc, not because I want him to be a slave, but because it teaches them life lessons. My step children at say.... I'm not doing that then walk off. How can I make my child do something they refuse to do. Why should they walk off and he stay and help me tidy up etc. me and my partner have been together 4 years and it was easier when they were younger, they are opinionated now!

Does your partner back you up? My 3 children all do chores and found it difficult that step kids refused, I snapped one day and told DP he had to sort it, it couldn't continue. He eventually said something and they would reluctantly help. But it's really hard. How long do you have them?

CornishGem1975 · 29/03/2022 19:53

[quote Narwhalelife]@CornishGem1975
Tbh I found that the early years when SC was younger were worse because we had to have more contact with DPex but the teen years are challenging in different ways (hormones) but also the difference in how we raised DD to how SC was raised with their mother shows more now.

And the demands become a bit more open to and the teen years was when we had the first comments from SC that we favoured DD which was hard to swallow considering all the bending me and DD have had to do over the years 🤣🤣[/quote]
My SD is going to be the WORST teenager, I can see it coming. My SS will be fine but having had two teens myself I can judge a personality quite well and even my DH thinks she's going to be a nightmare. I am just going to have to disengage from it.

CornishGem1975 · 29/03/2022 19:55

I also don't know if I'm really weird but they've been in my life for a good few years now and I feel nothing towards them. I mean, I don't hate them but I don't love them, not even close. If we split up and I never saw them again I'd honestly not be bothered. Feels harsh to say that but it's the truth. I guess it's similar to how I feel about kids of my friends.

KatsuKatsu · 29/03/2022 19:56

@CornishGem1975

I also don't know if I'm really weird but they've been in my life for a good few years now and I feel nothing towards them. I mean, I don't hate them but I don't love them, not even close. If we split up and I never saw them again I'd honestly not be bothered. Feels harsh to say that but it's the truth. I guess it's similar to how I feel about kids of my friends.

That's absolutely fine.

ilovemyboys3 · 29/03/2022 20:13

@tiddlywinks2
They are at our house 3 nights a week, rotating weekends and weekdays. I find it very draining to say the least. They don't make their beds or do anything. The daughter refused to put her shoes away so I flung them outside in the rain in frustration. I'm not strict in the slightest but I like a clean and tidy house. Unfortunately they aren't encouraged to do anything at their mums house. She does everything for them. My partner just does it for them which annoys me.

Falma · 29/03/2022 20:14

Not a step mum, but my mum married my dad (who had 4 kids already) and just want to spread some love and appreciation for the efforts you've all made for your families - those of you with kids if your own and without, because it was a tough gig for my mum!

HumptyDumpty2022 · 29/03/2022 21:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiddlywinks2 · 30/03/2022 00:11

[quote ilovemyboys3]@tiddlywinks2
They are at our house 3 nights a week, rotating weekends and weekdays. I find it very draining to say the least. They don't make their beds or do anything. The daughter refused to put her shoes away so I flung them outside in the rain in frustration. I'm not strict in the slightest but I like a clean and tidy house. Unfortunately they aren't encouraged to do anything at their mums house. She does everything for them. My partner just does it for them which annoys me.[/quote]
I do think as they are with you so regularly, they need to abide by your rules. It's so difficult I know, but they aren't apart of the family if they aren't being treated like it. It will get more difficult as your child grows up and sees they are being treated differently.

I'd definitely talk to your DH and get him to be more understanding on this, also, if everything is done for them, how is that going to prepare them for adult life. My DCs have chores, they always do them no questions asked now as they are use to it.

I know how hard it is though.

tiddlywinks2 · 30/03/2022 00:13

@CornishGem1975

I also don't know if I'm really weird but they've been in my life for a good few years now and I feel nothing towards them. I mean, I don't hate them but I don't love them, not even close. If we split up and I never saw them again I'd honestly not be bothered. Feels harsh to say that but it's the truth. I guess it's similar to how I feel about kids of my friends.

It's not harsh at all. It's so hard being a step parent, you're not always going to be able to create a bond, I now feel this about my SD.