Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

It’s like you get to the point where you can’t say anything about the kids, everything is so bloody sensitive, I’m unreasonable and not being like a “stepmum” because I want to know a rough routine when his middle girl who’s 14 is coming round, what should there be endless flexibility as soon as they hit their teens?!? I just don’t know anymore

@Purplelotuslover11

It’s like you get to the point where you can’t say anything about the kids, everything is so bloody sensitive, I’m unreasonable and not being like a “stepmum” because I want to know a rough routine when his middle girl who’s 14 is coming round, what should there be endless flexibility as soon as they hit their teens?!? I just don’t know anymore

I feel you 100% if I say no to DSS staying over an extra night (me and DH have a newborn and DSS requires all of DH attention so I don't get a break at all as I have to do all of the newborn care and cook clean etc!) I am the horrible one and apparently it doesn't 'affect me' him being here IT DOESDH already does 50:50 and more I need a break too!! Honestly when DSS is here I am counting down the minutes until he goes to bed or goes to his mums.

It’s like you get to the point where you can’t say anything about the kids, everything is so bloody sensitive, I’m unreasonable and not being like a “stepmum” because I want to know a rough routine when his middle girl who’s 14 is coming round, what should there be endless flexibility as soon as they hit their teens?!? I just don’t know anymore
Ah @Purplelotuslover11 so sorry you're having a rubbish time. I so hear you. I'm out of the whole thing now but remember saying to my therapist that it had gotten to the point where trying to discuss anything regarding exdp's dc had become impossible as he had gotten to the point of taking offence at every single thing I said. I'm a person who is very open to dialogue but I had gotten to the point where I felt I had no agency in my relationship & was not allowed any feelings & I walked rather than endlessly put up with the sdc must always come first crap.
I've no real advice but just wanted to say I get it.
I'm still so shocked at how undermined & taken for granted most sms are - by their partners, & how this glorification of the sdc comes to dominate absolutely everything in a relationship & household.

We had that phase. It's ridiculous. I pointed out that if I were to "treat them as my own" and part of my family then I needed to be able to raise issues so we could work on them as I would with my own child.

I'm stepmum to 16 and 14 Yr old for the last 8 years and I have a dd of my own. I work really hard to make sure my dd has a relationship with her dad, not always easy but I put her first.
I naively didn't realise not all parents think like this and just how much an ex could impact our lives. It's not been an easy 8 years and my thoughts of it getting easier as they get older hasn't materialised.
They are nice kids though and I feel very sorry for them, for the games played to try and stop them from spending time with OH and his family and all the parent alienation that goes on 😔
This year I have started to detach myself from the situation (wish I had done this years ago) & now if they come bonus, if not I don't stress about it. dd and I now go to stay with my family every 2nd or 3rd weekend sc are supposed to be coming over. I'm less stressed with this arrangement and dd is happier too, as she takes it personally when they don't want to spend time with us.
OH is now spending some weekends completely on his own (when they don't come last minute or go back home after a couple of hours, so they don't miss out on something their mum is now going to do without them, or they are totally pissed off with him, as mum is now doing something they really wanted to do and sending them pics of the fun they are missing out on). It's started to really grate on him that he could have come with us too, but that's for him to deal with not me!

It IS hard. So hard.

Can you give yourself (and your son) some time away from it? Or would that just generate ‘you hate my kids’ nonsense?

I haven’t lived with my husband since last summer. I can honestly say that my life is so much better for not having to deal with his contact and all the angst and minefields around it. Sure, I have little money and I have to do everything. But I was doing everything anyway and now I no longer have all the extra work - plus the always being in the wrong.

The space has given me the opportunity to really reflect on why it could never have worked. I was responsible for our baby all the time (I still am but without the resentment of someone else who should be helping but isn’t). He had (and still has) a huge amount of psychological baggage that he needs to process if he ever wants a successful relationship. He’s been too busy confusing his kids for 9 year old him and trying to save himself by scapegoating me. Plus he’s a lazy, selfish person. He’d be hard work in any kind of family because he just doesn’t pull his weight or accept the basic reality of life with children.

Ss has accused me of being verbally abusive and treating him badly when he was in our home. That was pretty much the nail in the coffin for me. I don’t want to live my life making sure I’m never in a room alone with him, worried about what he’ll come out with next.
The sibling relationship is another tricky topic we’re trying to navigate. Our toddler is extremely clingy anyway so any period away from me massively stresses them out. There’s a concern of safety too as ss has a violent/spiteful streak. In-laws all warned me from day one, never to leave them alone. He’ll threaten or try and hurt his cousins when no one’s watching etc. Husband sees his son through rose tinted glasses so thinks this is all ridiculous. Ss has even attacked him, so I’m not sure why he’s so oblivious! It makes me think I can’t trust him to keep a watchful eye if he takes our toddler with him for a short while. For the moment we’ve agreed that I’ll meet them in a park, toddler stays with them for an hour and I go off for a walk. We’re going to try it on the next contact weekend.
We actually had a huge row again last night as he returned from a contact weekend.
Im still really struggling with resentment at having to spend these weekends alone. He came back on the Saturday eve to help with the evening routine as agreed but he was stroppy and made it clear it was an inconvenience to him. So then I feel like what’s the point of even bothering to say you’ll do it?
Then Sunday when my toddler had just decided to throw their breakfast all over the dining room, I get a message saying how they’re out having breakfast with friends. Honestly, I felt like my head was going to explode. Am I mad? Is this actually going to be my life from now on?!

That sounds really dreadful @Stopandsmelltheflowers. So difficult.

It is so difficult when you feel you need to protect your child from a half sibling (and yourself from an SC) but the father is in total denial.

I’ve had similar with my husband. His DD is not outwardly aggressive, but she’s sneaky and drips nasty ideas into other children’s ears about his she’s so much better than them and they’re rubbish. She ruins everyone’s games on purpose and then acts like she’s a poor, confused, innocent lamb. Her father has seen this and even admitted it’s happening in the moment, but shortly afterwards the denial sets in. He just can’t see himself to see her for how she’s behaving.

His son is really aggressive. He’s had years of hearing about his much better his sister is than him (reinforced by the adults around them too - MIL shoes incredible favouritism). I don’t trust my husband to keep our toddler safe from him because he ignores and minimises this behaviour too. Once I was trying to protect the non-mobile baby from SS driving sit on cars at him aggressively, making the baby cry and continuing, then picking up wooden blocks and throwing them at the baby and me (totally intentionally). His father could see this and did nothing. I couldn’t do anything because my husband would make me the villain for saying anything (he’s claim I was unfair or even abusive if I told SS off) nor could I leave the room with the baby (because then I’d be horribly abusive by ‘denying him a relationship with his half siblings’ and ‘excluding the SC’). Afterwards, my husband insisted I was exaggerating - even though I had bruises from being hit with large blocks where I’d been protecting the baby’s head.

Dealing with a guilt ridden father in denial about his older child(ten) is awful. Especially as you worry about leaving him and your small child being left with a father who will not protect him from his half siblings.

It’s such a strange situation we’re in, where we feel we can’t follow our natural instinct to protect our children but rather we worry about the fall out from doing so.
I’ve put up with such rubbish in the past, all for the sake of protecting his precious contact.
We haven’t spoken all day since our argument last night. I feel like we have the same exact argument over and over. I see his son one way, he’s sees another. He blames me for the fact he has to stay at his in-laws for contact weekends, I blame his rubbish parenting for enabling his sons behaviour.
Im worried that these ‘ordinary’ weekends apart are such a struggle. How the hell is it going to feel being alone with our child on Christmas etc? This is going to be life for the next 10 years minimum until ss makes his own decisions about where he spends his time

@Stopandsmelltheflowers I'm so sorry your dealing with this. At its heart unfortunately is DH who isn't acting as a team mate and it comes down to what's he willing to lose if he doesn't act. Some DH are so broken from losing full time contact with the first child that they create a situation where it's bound to happen again in the second family. Almost like equalising the playing field so lessens the guilt. Obviously this is putting his emotions above the childrens needs and that's just crap.

@SoggyPaper if it helps I have no advice but sympathies. We had to get rid of our family dog as DSD hurt the dog intentionally at a age that definitely couldn't be excused..(long story)and her DM was the one who saw her and although DH acknowledged at the time, he's almost turned it into the story of DSD was scared of the dog. And the dog looking back was actually very scared of DSD so she must have been hurting him for a while. I correct him every time he starts to change the narrative so he knows I won't forget. Even DM can't understand why he's changed it as she was very matter of fact about it. It's what lead us to getting DSD help and a eventual diagnosis for her behaviour but my god was a fight.

I also wouldn't leave my DS alone with DSD although I'm pretty confident she wouldn't do anything now, but it's not a risk I will ever take and I make sure DH bares the burden with me xxx

@candlesandpitchforks
That makes a lot of sense actually. Like he feels he has to sabotage this family too so it’s an even balance.
The man is honestly starting to baffle me. He came home from work and I tried to break the ice after last nights row. I said we need to work on the way we keep bringing the same things up over and over, we’re never going to be on the same page with the way we view your son and it is what it is. I said I think it would help if you didn’t tell me the nice things you are up to because 9 times out of 10, in that moment, I’m probably up to my eyes in nappies or something.
He started getting moody and said I’m constantly changing things. I reminded him that as we find our way with this situation, we’ll find things that do and don’t work, so yes, they will keep changing. He turned round and said in a sarcastic tone, well just write me a list of all the things I can’t do then. That was the end of the conversation.
Honestly, part of me is really starting to hate him. That’s all I can feel in that moment when he seems to disregard me. Is is possible to hate and love someone in equal measure?

Yes of course it is ! The opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference. When you get to feeling nothing then get worried.

I think sometimes you have to tell them that in very clear terms. I recognise it's hard to deal with this stuff and the way your acting is because you feel guilty and ashamed but we trying to find working solutions and will need to adapt to the situation. I would also say something along the lines of I know you don't want to break up your family again and end in a similar contact situation than you have with your Dc now. Usually they don't realise what they are doing.

Could Dh be depressed ? Depression can make everything feel like a attack when it's not abs cloud even the most sane person's judgement.

@candlesandpitchforks Yes, he’s recently started medication and counselling for depression.
At the start of our relationship, I was very diplomatic and had a softly, softly approach whenever we discussed issues with his son. As time has gone on though, I’ve become more blunt because it just didn’t feel it was even going into his brain. Now, add in a few extra years of feeling let down and hurt, I’ve turned into someone that really struggles to have a calm conversation like that. The more he tries to tell me that he’s the one that’s being hurt in this situation, the more angry and frustrated I become. I can totally understand his point of view that it’s horrible being away from your wife and child but I shouldn’t feel like I can’t share my feelings because of this.

@Stopandsmelltheflowers this sounds so hard and I really feel for you.
What I don't understand in these types of behaviours is how kids like this seem to be almost rewarded for terrible behaviour. Don't get me wrong - I understand how complex things are for your dh & that this is his son - however I cannot help feel that if my child's behaviour was so awful towards my spouse that nc was the order of the day I would be handling things very differently (I'd hope). In this scenario it reads like sdc has gotten exactly what he wanted - he has managed to get your dh away from you and dc & he and his dad can have a rare old time together along with family, and forget that you guys even exist!
I cannot see how this is good for anyone. I get that your dh needs to spend time with his son who obviously has issues but he should (imo) be teaching this kid that your marriage is important to dh, your dc is important to dh & that while he will of course facilitate time with his son his son needs to accept that his dad also has other priorities & another child. It seems especially cruel that after what his son put you through he then throws the great fun they have together in your face so to speak.
I massively stepped back from my exdp's teen dc towards the end of our relationship (behaviour nowhere near as bad as what you've experienced) & like that used to get updates & photos of them all having fun together. And I used to think to myself "fine - your children bitch on about your choice of partner & her dc but instead of teaching them good manners, toleration & sharing you keep treating them & then expecting me to tell you you're doing a great job! - well sod that!"
I'm still going to therapy for that relationship & honestly I am beginning to think that men who are divorced/separated with dc should come with a public health warning - as their ability to deal with their dc in a clear eyed, realistic manner is zero & they wreak havoc everywhere!
I truly hope you can sort this out but remember that your mental health and your self esteem will be more beneficial to your dc than you being stuck in a marriage where you (& dc) are undervalued.

@Magda72 Exactly, it’s taught ss that he can lie and behave poorly and he’ll get his own way.
We’ve tried talking more today. So originally I’d said to him about not telling me what they were out and about doing etc cos it made me feel bad. Somehow he still turned that into how he was being hurt 🙄 Anyway, today I said maybe the two of us just should not text (we don’t call anyway as ss would try to interrupt) on those weekends. I’ll keep myself busy and make sure I’m out doing stuff with our child, then I’ll be too distracted to feel rubbish about what they’re doing. He went nuts. I should be out with you both, I’m missing out etc
I said yes but why is that? He said because I refuse to see his son. Not, ah, because my son has made it impossible for us to be together now 🙄
I think he expects me to stay in miserable and do nothing so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything here!
He keeps pushing me to see a therapist because he thinks they’ll somehow convince me to tolerate ss. He actually said that I need to learn to accept ss for what he is. I said I really don’t need therapy. I can see quite clearly that what’s best for me is to remove myself from a toxic and potentially dangerous situation.
I really do appreciate everyone’s advice so far! Sometimes he can almost get into my head and make me feel like I’m overreacting.

New to this step-mum thing and it's fairly awful. Not the kids, they're fine. It's the mother and my partner. The mother tries to stop him seeing his kids. He then does everything he can to see them (which I have supported) which generally means I get ditched whenever there is an opportunity for him to see his kids. Often last minute too. It's very up and down. He spent most of this year not being able to see them, so I had to handle him being moody about that and support him. Then now for the last month he suddenly is seeing them four days a week and I'm left facilitating all this, tidying up, cooking, cleaning and my partner just spends all his time entertaining them, buying them stuff while I tag along getting nothing out of it. I feel like a slave to his family.... while he enjoys his father time with them. And then when they aren't there he's always catching up on work so he's always back late (normally 8pm/9pm but sometimes 10pm/11pm) and gone early before I've even got up (7/7.30am). Anyone else got experience with this? How do you cope?

Again @cp3p0 I can identify with this. In my case was the (teen) dc making constant demands on exdp's time & expecting him to change his plans last minute which he would! I could organise nothing & I lost count of the times I had to go to things alone because of this.
These dc were apparently incapable of asking their dm & incapable of sorting out their own shopping/social/whatever else lives without daddy hand holding them. I've no real advice as we broke up - I just couldn't handle it anymore.

All I will say is that if boundaries & access aren't regulated by now things are unlikely to change & you could have years of this ahead of you. Sorry to be so negative.

@cp3p0 sorry to hear this. I have had a very happy step mother experience and I realise now this was due to the maturity of my now husband and his ex wife. If you haven't got that , I am not sure you can do anything except seriously consider your position. It doesn't sound fun nor potentially worth It??

I realise now this was due to the maturity of my now husband and his ex wife. If you haven't got that , I am not sure you can do anything except seriously consider your position.
I would totally agree with this @Bosabosa

Oh dear... the thing that they don't understand is that once they hit 18 or 20 the kids are off doing their own thing and living their owns lives. Meanwhile, how they've treated their partner and putting them to the bottom of their priority list will always be remembered and the damage done.

@Stopandsmelltheflowers you do not need to explain to me how you have got to the position your in and frankly I think it's a testimony to your strength you have hung on in there this far ! I would have cracked far far sooner in your shoes.

Firstly your not overreacting. Not even slightly, just because someone's in pain and denial (your husband), doesn't mean they get to overwrite the truth of the matter and gaslight you and cause you pain.

The only advice I can give you is always correct these statements, come hell or high water (he gets in a hump or argues the toss) correct them each and everytime.

I would remind him that a therapist would be there for you and to protect your mental state and would likely advise you to consider what would make you happy, not what would make him happy and one of those options is to leave. So many people go into counselling thinking oh the counsellor is going to tell DP she's being unreasonable, they often don't consider the councillor is there to help improve the patients life, not correct "moral choices" of the patient and to get people to consider all the options. However they will point out abusive behaviours and gaslighting is abusive.

I think what you have suggested to DH is not only fair but practical. You cannot get him to open his eyes (especially if he turns selectively blind) but you can only control your situation and do what you can to protect yourself from further damage. Ultimately though the best form of protection is going LC/NC and if he won't do this, then you have to treat him like poison and go LC/NC with him when he's attached to the poison. Some people can come out of this with their eyes opened but if the posts are on here anything to go by, far and few between.

Also Magdas advice is spot on.

I think that's the decision I need to make really, especially if the situation isn't going to improve. The kids aren't teenagers yet and the mother is a monster, constantly trying to punish her ex in whatever way she can (even though she left him). I'm concerned it's only going to get worse. It's just whether he has the emotional capacity to understand what is happening and change the situation.

Ah this is a common one, the problem is while your facilitating and being accommodating, DP behaviour doesn't have to change. Right now you need to make this less easy for him to have 0 boundaries with the ex, it maybe it's easier to let you down than the ex, which if isn't nipped in the bud... as the girls have said it's not going to be a happy outcome.

Stepmum Ming is hard. Stop doing all the wife work with none of the give (because all they are doing now is currently taking)