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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Step parent support thread

532 replies

Narwhalelife · 29/03/2022 12:53

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced Grin I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

OP posts:
cp3p0 · 26/04/2022 19:24

candlesandpitchforks · 26/04/2022 17:06

Ah this is a common one, the problem is while your facilitating and being accommodating, DP behaviour doesn't have to change. Right now you need to make this less easy for him to have 0 boundaries with the ex, it maybe it's easier to let you down than the ex, which if isn't nipped in the bud... as the girls have said it's not going to be a happy outcome.

Stepmum Ming is hard. Stop doing all the wife work with none of the give (because all they are doing now is currently taking)

Show quote history

I think this is good advice. It's just how to achieve that. Any success stories of what has worked? I'm currently thinking i just do what I want from now on. Nobody else is going to look after me, so i just look after myself. Maybe he'll learn, maybe he won't.

SoggyPaper · 26/04/2022 20:14

He went nuts. I should be out with you both, I’m missing out etc

oh. @Stopandsmelltheflowers. This is all so familiar. I feel for you. I’ve had exactly the same. And the blaming me for putting boundaries in place rather than admitting that he’s ‘missing out’ because he chooses not to parent his other children in a way that makes them part of this family.

in my case, it was impossible. He still cannot see that he made choices. He chose to put his feelings of guilt and obligation first and didn’t care about the effects on anyone else. There were lots of conversations, loads of warning, before I decided enough was enough and I was not having anything more to do with the SC. He can’t even accept that, in doing so, I gave up my family (and our DSes family) for his other children. They get their Disney dad all to themselves - which is what they want anyway. All I did was recognise it was destroying me and put the only boundaries I could in place. He’d made it clear he wasn’t willing or able to consider my well-being. Or our child’s.

i think I’m with @Magda72 in thinking that divorced dads should generally come with a health warning.

candlesandpitchforks · 26/04/2022 21:36

@cp3p0 so there's a downside and I should said because it's played out so many times on here.

What he may do is once you just stop doing stuff (literally don't do it and scream into a pillow as the mess mounts) he will eventually twig and be like wait where have my worker fairies gone, he may he it into a you hate my SC and your picking on them type thing or even worse ... but family ... and go on the guilt trip. Re dinner time (I ate earlier or I don't feel hungry right now you go ahead I may eat later), mess that's left (you leave it - this one personally makes me die inside), washing up let it mount up to the point of no anything. Wash up anything you need to use right that second and return it to the dirty pile.

Laundry start suddenly forgetting to do his or DSC uniforms critical things and don't remind him (reminding him gives him the opportunity to say oh can you do x or worse why haven't you done it) . Let him feel the ouch to you not doing it, basically let the place burn to the ground. Your suddenly busy with unknown plans for taxi service. Headache. The plague. Your friend desperately needs you.

At the beginning be obvious, oh there isn't any clean plates - you may need to wash up. The living rooms a bomb site ahh well that was caused by X you might want to clear it up. He may start doing stuff and start loudly complaining (ignore or ignorance is your friend here) if there's moaning - he's not done you a favour so faux surprise innocence "why's he telling you he's done x surely as adult he doesn't surely think this falls to you because of your gender.

Repeat until he finally looses rag like properly loses rag not general moaning and goes why aren't you doing any of this stuff and you go actually no one was pulling their weight I felt taken advantage of so I stopped.

Obviously this not for faint hearted (your house will be a bomb site but unless your partner can live like a real solven- it will eventually get to him) and you cannot just cave at first sign of pressure. This approach will start arguments but will address the all being on your shoulders.

Natnat27 · 27/04/2022 13:12

Hi. I'm feeling very helpless about things at the moment. I've been a step parent for 2 years now and it's such a struggle. If I had known how difficult it would be I doubt I would have married and moved in together with my DP. The only reason me and my DP argue is about his kids as our parenting styles are so different. His view is let them have space to make their own decisions and they will realise in time if it's wrong.

TheQueensCousin · 27/04/2022 14:26

35 years in here! It was okayish when they were younger, although the ExW never met anyone again (maybe there's a reason for this). She clung to DH and made any excuse to get him into the old family home to discuss SC!
We went on to have our own DC and this helped me immensely.
Our DC are now adults too but it's since the SC have had DGC. They treat me like a second class citizen. Don't really want me to interact with their DC. DH thinks it's coming from their DM as I'm a much nicer person in his opinion and she's worried they'll like my warmer nature!
I tell you it's never ending, for my own mental health I've distanced myself from the toxic set up.
💐 to you all, lovely SMs

Frankola · 27/04/2022 18:25

I've been a stepmum for 14 years now, so we've been through a lot of lifestages.

When I met my dh my sd was 4. That meant a lot of contact with dhs ex and as such there was a lot of dictating to our household what she thought "the rules" should be. Ex was also single at this time and this meant a lot of game playing on her part - most likely down to boredom and bitterness.

We found that when dhs ex got into her long term relationship (she's now engaged to him and he's a lovely bloke) things dramatically improved. The only real shitstorms we had to deal with were when she told Dh that I should be paying her money for maintenance costs as well as him (they were applying for a mortgage at this time) and when she contacted us to tell us she was switching our contact agreement to line up with her fiancé's contact agreement with his kids - with us just being expected to do this.

As sd has gotten older things have continued to improve, which I genuinely believe is because we have very little contact with his ex. Everything is arranged with sd. We have a bank account which we just handed over to sd for uni - we've been saving 14 years. And exs maintenance will be stopping in August. I've found the more strings we cut with ex the better our lives have been.

TheQueensCousin · 27/04/2022 19:15

Frankola · 27/04/2022 18:25

I've been a stepmum for 14 years now, so we've been through a lot of lifestages.

When I met my dh my sd was 4. That meant a lot of contact with dhs ex and as such there was a lot of dictating to our household what she thought "the rules" should be. Ex was also single at this time and this meant a lot of game playing on her part - most likely down to boredom and bitterness.

We found that when dhs ex got into her long term relationship (she's now engaged to him and he's a lovely bloke) things dramatically improved. The only real shitstorms we had to deal with were when she told Dh that I should be paying her money for maintenance costs as well as him (they were applying for a mortgage at this time) and when she contacted us to tell us she was switching our contact agreement to line up with her fiancé's contact agreement with his kids - with us just being expected to do this.

As sd has gotten older things have continued to improve, which I genuinely believe is because we have very little contact with his ex. Everything is arranged with sd. We have a bank account which we just handed over to sd for uni - we've been saving 14 years. And exs maintenance will be stopping in August. I've found the more strings we cut with ex the better our lives have been.

A lot of this I totally get especially the dictating and being bitter! x

ChocBloc · 27/04/2022 20:47

The only real shitstorms we had to deal with were when she told Dh that I should be paying her money for maintenance costs as well as him (they were applying for a mortgage at this time) and when she contacted us to tell us she was switching our contact agreement to line up with her fiancé's contact agreement with his kids - with us just being expected to do this.

We had VERY similar. I'm a higher earner than DH too so she was demanding all sorts from me. As for contact arrangements. It gets so petty its unbelievable. Down to the very hour. If there's cows in the road and DH is late all hell breaks loose.

Frankola · 27/04/2022 20:58

It does get much easier @TheQueensCousin 💐

The only "fuss" we've experienced lately is that now ex knows her maintenance stops in August she's been complaining to sd that she will have "hardly any money" which has gotten back to us obviously 🙄

She also told sd to ask her dad to pay her car tax and insurance for the year because "he's stopping giving you money"...we've literally just given her thousands for uni!!!

I'll be glad when sd is at uni so we have no reason to speak with ex unless there's a serious issue 🤣

Frankola · 27/04/2022 21:01

@ChocBloc how old is your sc? I'd suggest making the arrangements for contact with them directly as soon as they're old enough if you can?

I'm a higher earner than Dh too which she knows. She used to point it out to my dh alot. Just for nastiness really.

cp3p0 · 27/04/2022 23:05

candlesandpitchforks · 26/04/2022 21:36

@cp3p0 so there's a downside and I should said because it's played out so many times on here.

What he may do is once you just stop doing stuff (literally don't do it and scream into a pillow as the mess mounts) he will eventually twig and be like wait where have my worker fairies gone, he may he it into a you hate my SC and your picking on them type thing or even worse ... but family ... and go on the guilt trip. Re dinner time (I ate earlier or I don't feel hungry right now you go ahead I may eat later), mess that's left (you leave it - this one personally makes me die inside), washing up let it mount up to the point of no anything. Wash up anything you need to use right that second and return it to the dirty pile.

Laundry start suddenly forgetting to do his or DSC uniforms critical things and don't remind him (reminding him gives him the opportunity to say oh can you do x or worse why haven't you done it) . Let him feel the ouch to you not doing it, basically let the place burn to the ground. Your suddenly busy with unknown plans for taxi service. Headache. The plague. Your friend desperately needs you.

At the beginning be obvious, oh there isn't any clean plates - you may need to wash up. The living rooms a bomb site ahh well that was caused by X you might want to clear it up. He may start doing stuff and start loudly complaining (ignore or ignorance is your friend here) if there's moaning - he's not done you a favour so faux surprise innocence "why's he telling you he's done x surely as adult he doesn't surely think this falls to you because of your gender.

Repeat until he finally looses rag like properly loses rag not general moaning and goes why aren't you doing any of this stuff and you go actually no one was pulling their weight I felt taken advantage of so I stopped.

Obviously this not for faint hearted (your house will be a bomb site but unless your partner can live like a real solven- it will eventually get to him) and you cannot just cave at first sign of pressure. This approach will start arguments but will address the all being on your shoulders.

I’ve been brutal. I’ve told him that if he doesn’t tidy up after his children when they are here (including both their rooms) and cook for them then he will have to find somewhere else to accommodate them. It’s my house so my rules. He’s spent this week arriving home at 10pm/11pm and leaving by 6.30am/7am so now I’ve said if he isn’t back by 8pm to spend a civilised evening with me then he’ll have to find somewhere else to sleep that day. Door will be locked at 8pm as I’m not having him treat my house like a hotel and me like a housekeeper (he woke me up at 6.30am this morning to ask where the clean towels were despite knowing I was on a late shift!). If he doesn’t like it then he can leave and find somewhere else to live. I’ll report back on what happens.

cp3p0 · 27/04/2022 23:09

Natnat27 · 27/04/2022 13:12

Hi. I'm feeling very helpless about things at the moment. I've been a step parent for 2 years now and it's such a struggle. If I had known how difficult it would be I doubt I would have married and moved in together with my DP. The only reason me and my DP argue is about his kids as our parenting styles are so different. His view is let them have space to make their own decisions and they will realise in time if it's wrong.

Is there a biological mother in the picture or only you and your partner as parents?

candlesandpitchforks · 28/04/2022 09:02

@cp3p0 well done !!! just know there's a another mum cheering you on here. He's taking advantage of you and it's not fair.

Expect fireworks 💥 or stroppy ness but hold firm. Blended families are hard enough without the added wife work.

Sometimes people need a shock to remember just how good they have got it.

Remember 🍷 and 🍰 helps xxxxx

Newestname002 · 28/04/2022 11:36

@cp3p0

he woke me up at 6.30am this morning to ask where the clean towels were despite knowing I was on a late shift!). If he doesn’t like it then he can leave and find somewhere else to live

My word - what a selfish, self-centred individual he is. He's certainly showing you his true colours. I hope your future is calmer without him in it! 🌹

ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 12:55

Frankola · 27/04/2022 21:01

@ChocBloc how old is your sc? I'd suggest making the arrangements for contact with them directly as soon as they're old enough if you can?

I'm a higher earner than Dh too which she knows. She used to point it out to my dh alot. Just for nastiness really.

Youngest isn't quite old enough for that yet but nearly! She doesn't even know how much I earn but obviously if the DSC feedback to her that I've got something nice she then said to DH he should be paying more as he can clearly afford it due to xy&z (my things bought with my money) to which he told her I had paid for those myself. So then it gets into, ooh maybe I could buy a new hairdryer for DSC1 or a new coat even though the existing coat is fine just not trendy anymore.

Magda72 · 28/04/2022 13:36

if the DSC feedback to her that I've got something nice she then said to DH he should be paying more as he can clearly afford it due to xy&z (my things bought with my money) to which he told her I had paid for those myself. So then it gets into, ooh maybe I could buy a new hairdryer for DSC1 or a new coat even though the existing coat is fine just not trendy anymore.
I just cannot get over the sheer brass neck of women like this! Have they no self respect whatsoever that they would rather have someone else provide for their offspring?

ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 16:22

I know right! She chooses not to work as much as she could too! Cheeky cow.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 28/04/2022 19:01

My DH’s ex has made a career out of sponging off others. Her kids are adults and she still uses them as the excuse for not working longer hours. He’s paying child maintenance until they’re both in their 20s. Used to make my blood boil, now I just have to accept it and hope karma gets her, it has already in some respect as she’ll never be happy.

ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 19:09

HumptyDumpty2022 · 28/04/2022 19:01

My DH’s ex has made a career out of sponging off others. Her kids are adults and she still uses them as the excuse for not working longer hours. He’s paying child maintenance until they’re both in their 20s. Used to make my blood boil, now I just have to accept it and hope karma gets her, it has already in some respect as she’ll never be happy.

How did she manage that?!

HumptyDumpty2022 · 28/04/2022 20:30

Blackmail essentially

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 06:35

Clearly it becomes absurd when they’re trying to get their ex’s new partner to pay for them but I think even the expectation that all the father’s money should go to her is unreasonable on the part of an ex. ‘You can afford X. Why aren’t you giving me that money?’. Particularly where it’s an ex who does absolutely nothing to contribute financially to her own household (looking at my SC’s mother in particular). Take some responsibility for yourself and stop sponging off other people!

My ex’s money is his to do what he likes with (after he’s given me maintenance- which does all go on DS). If he can afford something nice, fair play to him.

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 06:39

@SoggyPaper I absolutely agree. It's sometimes like the ex has forgotten they have split up so no she doesn't get the extra perks of being married to him!

cp3p0 · 29/04/2022 10:19

candlesandpitchforks · 28/04/2022 09:02

@cp3p0 well done !!! just know there's a another mum cheering you on here. He's taking advantage of you and it's not fair.

Expect fireworks 💥 or stroppy ness but hold firm. Blended families are hard enough without the added wife work.

Sometimes people need a shock to remember just how good they have got it.

Remember 🍷 and 🍰 helps xxxxx

I was expecting stroppiness and he was a bit (he seemed particularly aggrieved that he had to cook) but he was back at a sensible time of 7pm cooked for himself and even made himself some healthy lunch tubs and tidied up after himself. It’s like having a teenager but the harsh rules seem to be working so far.

Lorddenning1 · 29/04/2022 19:48

Can anyone relate to how I have been feeling today, I have 2 DS and my other half has a DD, we have no children together. We have my sons all week (partner works nights) and they go to their dads at the weekend for 1 night. He has his daughter at the weekend.
I love having a child free night as I work full time and with after school activities for the kids I look forward to my night off at the weekend, however DD has been staying over Friday until Sunday which is normally ok, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment so I booked Friday off work to have a day to myself, however due to having no water the kids school closed today so it meant the kids were home with me, ok fine, then DD arrived at 4pm and other half has gone to work, leaving me with 3 kids. Again fine my sons are going to their dads on Saturday and DD due to go back home, so we are child free on Saturday!!!! Great
Now mum is asking to have her until Sunday, now I'm the bad guy because I wanted to be child free and I can't exactly say no as he has a right to see his daughter, I feel like everyone in our parent Triangle gets to enjoy their free time but me, I'm the bottom of the pile and I feel selfish but also pissed off, why does my other half not have to worry about children during the week along with my ex and then by the weekend DSD mum also gets a full weekend free but not mugging over here.
Sorry to rant as I realise not every mum gets to be child free once a week but it's one of the reasons we decided not to have any chairmen together. Anyone know how I feel?

Lorddenning1 · 29/04/2022 19:51

SDS* and also not chairmen, I meant children