Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

Does anyone else notice a pattern here.

Often it's the ex who causes the most problems in blended families, close second comes from DSC never being taught proper boundaries due to some version of Disney dadding.

It's like step parenting red flags 101 and I for one wish someone had mentioned it before I got 100 feet in the hole

Genuinely think though boundaries or lack of in a house can be fixed. Nutty ex with 0 want to do best for kids is alway almost a death keel to a happy blended family.

@NowNowDermot

Great idea for a thread, I could definitely do with some support! I've been a SM for over 20 years, DSC were little when DH and I got together and are now in their 20's. I've always been pretty happy and felt fairly lucky, I won't say there weren't problems when they were younger (the ex!) but nothing compared to the last few years.

DH seems to have saved all his Disney-dadding for when DSC were adults, aggravated by the arrival of his first DGC. DSS has become progressively more needy over about the last 5 years and spends enormous amounts of time at our house, taking full advantage of being waited on like a guest and not having to look after DGC because we're running around after them. It's complicated by the fact that he and DGC's mum have split and he has 50/50 care which I think he struggles with but I don't feel DH is doing him any favours by doing it all for him.

It's been unfortunate timing, our DD together is teenage now and becoming more independent, I'm peri menopausal and was/am looking forward to a break in caring responsibilities before either/both sets of parents start needing some help and I really wasn't prepared or up for spending hours every day looking after a baby/small child at this point in my life.

It's caused an absolute shitstorm in my marriage, I've never really had cause to push back on anything before and DH did not respond well to me trying to set any sort of boundaries but I've had to persevere for the sake of my sanity. We've found some sort of middle ground now but I still feel under siege too much of the time. I'd stupidly hoped DH and I might get a little bit of time to ourselves now all the kids are older and it's hurt me massively that he neither feels the same nor understands why I feel that way

Honestly, this is what I am dreading 😔. My SC has become more needy as she got older and the demands more expensive and extravagant. Think cars, tattoos, money towards holidays etc she is also leaving school this year to what she believes will be a fully funded gap year (she does work part time). She also is not afraid to voice her views of wanting a baby ‘sooner rather than later’ which we all try to discourage!

My DH has always been abit of a Disney dad but he seems to be getting more full on the last few months, including a declaration that he will stop paying ex maintence and instead will pay it to SC 🥲

@candlesandpitchforks absolutely this!

For some reason these men seem to not be able to see reason when it comes to their ex wives and subsequently their children

[quote Narwhalelife]@candlesandpitchforks absolutely this!

For some reason these men seem to not be able to see reason when it comes to their ex wives and subsequently their children[/quote]
Mine isn’t a Disney dad at all but he doesn’t want to rock the boat. He is afraid of losing time with his kids (he won’t, she’s got it really good) but as he’s male, I think he feels vulnerable in that area

@MAV34 I am definitely going to check out this Dr!

You are right about it being a rollercoaster. I honestly think step parent’s needs are forgetten and comes wayyy down the list (partly because parents have the child as an excuse) eg. I have to bend to ex wife’s unreasonable demand or SC will go without and we can’t have that

@MrsMiddleMother

Absolutely. My SC is great, but she is a product of her environment (ie. Her mother has told her her dad should do/pay/take her/ pick her up) etc so she expects this now. And DP has always been happy to oblige (even at the expense of me and DC)he has admitted that it was always easier to upset me than ex wife (no real idea why?).

And having own children certainly makes it more complex as I think that we want them to be most important and that can never happen

Sadly, I'm now NC with his adult daughter, there was no option left at the end. Life is certainly peaceful and happy now as I'm sure it must be for her too. Just a shame it had to come to this, especially when there's a DC involved.

Eighteen years and counting. DSD has never been anything less than hostile and DH has continued throughout to put her first. If I'd known that this was how it would be, I would not have bothered.

Well, I’m going to have a little rant 😂
I ended up having a massive row with husband last night.
So just a quick background to save scrolling back through thread - I’m no contact with ss due to escalating behavioural issues and lies against me.
Husband has contact at in-laws EOW and eves during the week. It worked out that every fortnight, I’d be alone 5 nights a week. Which, as a sahp to our toddler, is a lot!
This last weekend was absolutely brutal. Apparently the mere sight of me sipping a drink was enough to spark a tantrum 😂 I can laugh now, but it was hellish at the time. All the while, husband is texting me telling me they’re having a lovely takeaway etc!
I kept telling him how stressed out I was getting and he didn’t even bother asking if I needed a hand. He’s about 20 minutes drive away! I would have told him no anyway, but would have been nice for him to consider it.
Anyway, I mulled all this over and got myself more worked up. I’ve asked him to come back to help with dinner and bath on the Saturday night for all of two hours. Honestly, it was like I was asking for the world.
I know he’s more concerned with the fact that ss will probably moan about him leaving, over the fact that I genuinely need a hand with our child.
Why are even the simple things such a battle!!

Do you mean gamut? I'm confused by the use of the word gambit here.

@Stopandsmelltheflowers that all sounds really stressful. Hope you can find a way through. I know toddlers can be exhausting! Do you have any childcare in place during the day perhaps? Your stepsons behaviour/allegations must be quite significant if these arrangements have been made? Is the plan for the siblings not to have a relationship? Sounds like an awful situation to be in and also unfair on your little one.

Been a SM for nearly 12 years now. Been nothing less than traumatic. I was young, naïve and a complete people pleaser when I met DH. If I could turn the clock back now I wouldn’t have bothered. He is a complete Disney Dad and both SDs are a product of his and the ex’s parenting. They are 16 and 18 now and completely entitled, do not like boundaries and can be very manipulative at times.
I used to help with school runs and provide childcare on tap to accommodate both DH’s and the ex’s shifts. It was so hard and after a very tough period with no support from DH I disengaged and took a huge step back. It nearly ended our marriage as DH’s attitude was that I hated his kids. Not true of course. What I couldn’t stand any longer was the perfect storm of his Disney parenting / no appreciation, the more I did, the more was expected of me / him treating the SC like visiting celebrities / the ex’s demands / him expecting that I put our own DD and her needs after the SC.
I thought the Disney parenting would ease off as they get older but it gets more and more ridiculous as time goes on.
The whole situation has left me feeling very burnt out and has taken a huge toll on my mental health and self esteem. It’s certainly not what I thought married life would be like and it’s not what I would want for either of my children.
The last couple of years the step-parenting board has been a huge support. Some wonderful people on here and you don’t feel so alone.

@LadyCluck I’m sorry to hear of your experience. Like you I became a SM very young (18) my DH is 7 years older than me and my SD is 18!!

He has always gone way over and above for her (and still does). I thought it might ease off as she for older but the demands become more.

It’s a tough situation, like you if I’m honest the role of being a SP has affected me. We are so alone in our role, no one ever has sympathy for the evil step mother ☹️

@CornishGem1975

I also don't know if I'm really weird but they've been in my life for a good few years now and I feel nothing towards them. I mean, I don't hate them but I don't love them, not even close. If we split up and I never saw them again I'd honestly not be bothered. Feels harsh to say that but it's the truth. I guess it's similar to how I feel about kids of my friends.

I could have wrote this. I care about my DSS so some degree but I don't love him, especially since my own DS was born. I wouldn't care if I never saw DSS again. Infact i would prefer he didn't exist

@Lucky34

This couldn't come at a better time.

I'm struggling to see the point as any effort I make is just ignored or expected and as soon as there is anything that goes wrong or we have behavioural problems the blame lays at my door!!

I'm starting to see the development of a vindictive and manipulative child, coached by her mother and im really struggling to remain the kind, caring & understanding step mother that I wanted to be & started out being.

I just feel worn down, used and very under appreciated

Wow I could have wrote this myself! All my efforts have turned out to be a waste of time. Being a step mum is a thankless job. My DSS is 5, he's manipulative and plays each parent off on the other to get what he wants. He tells lies and is very controlling (gets this off his mum)

[quote Narwhalelife]@CornishGem1975

Absolutely this. I think SC are great (some of the time 🤣) but I don’t love them and I think we a lower tolerance for their drama, attitude, back chat, laziness etc I think it also stems from the fact that step children tend to get a lot of attention all round and that can shift the focus on to wanting to protect our bio kids more[/quote]
Again i could have wrote this too. I have little, if not any tolerance for DSS behaviour now. All I have become to care about is my own DS

Sounds familiar

Hi all, can I join? I have two step dc, 9 and 6. The dc themselves are great - but because DH had to go through court due to a vindictive ex wife, his whole extended family are obsessed with them and think the whole world revolves around them. His dad made a point of buying big Easter eggs for his real gc and then tiny ones for my children. DH doesn’t understand why I find that sort of pettiness hurtful.

Welcome @Atypicaldancer

Can I join in too please? I need somewhere to vent (a little more than occasionally!). My DP's children are so entitled I've never known anything like it, and I thought as they get older it might slow/change for the better, but as OP said, the demands just increase. I feel so sad about it that had I known it would be like this I wouldn't be here, but I don't want to leave.

I'm not a step parent but my wife is step mum to my 2 grown up children. There were the usual teenage challenges, pushing boundaries etc, but I made sure to parent throughout those and not have my wife in the middle or as the bad guy. We somehow avoided many of the blended family issues I read on here.

We're now at the other side and in their 20's, and I can't tell you how lovely it is to see them individually spending time with her because they have mutual respect for each other.

Ps, apologies for butting in as a non step parent but I'm immensely grateful for everything my wife has done.

The SDC mum has decided that 5yo SD has some emotional issues now as she’s apparently talking about self harming?! I’ve never heard SD5 say anything like this

DP has 60/40 shared with mum - her choice
DP does 3 school runs, her boyfriend does 2. She used to ask DP to do them all and collect but now her BF does her ones. She hands them back early Saturday morning

I have been pointing out to to DP that mums decisions to keep moving house, moving in with her BF they met 5 times in parks (who has a child of his own) and constantly, constantly cancelling contact is making SD5 feel insecure. She puts them in clubs and then misses the contact day so they miss the clubs (booked near her house not near ours)

This weekend SD5 clung to me like a limpet, asked if she could call me mum told me she loved me and then said I was her best friend. She got upset over some small things as 5yo’s do. DP said he is not even worried about SD when she’s with him and school have no concerns. I worry mum isn’t able to really see the impact of her own decisions on DD but i said maybe let her do counselling or therapy because perhaps it will all come out there and will benefit them all

I am really struggling at the moment with my ss he's nearly 4 years old but doesn't have any boundaries. Iv tried speaking to my husband but he just thinks I'm putting him and his son down when I try and open up about how I'm feeling.

Can I join in as well please. Currently in the loo in tears as just had enough. Can’t do or say anything right anymore just wondering is it worth it, would my son and I be happier away from all of this crap