Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

@Lorddenning1 I absolutely get that. I HATE it when I book a day off work to mooch around the house and then something last minute means the DSC have to come to us. I normally have a long bath and go and get a coffee but I hate it. And it's not even that I don't like them. Its when is MY down time.

@ChocBloc exactly and I don't not like my DSD, but I feel like I get the rough end of the deal, her mum gets to be child free from Friday morning up until Sunday night, my ex has 6 days a week free and my partner is a great step dad but he works nights and he hardly gets involved with homework and bath time etc, everyone else enjoys our arrangement but me, but then I can hardly say I want your daughter to go home as he has hardly seen her all week.
Last week was annoying too as he specifically asked could he have her Friday until Sunday, again not a problem but at the last minute he was guilt tripped into going to watch a football match in a pub for his friends birthday he was gone from 1pm until 6pm, my kids were with their dad so it was just me and DSD, on my effectively child free day, taking the fucking piss, that was last weekend and now same thing this weekend, I didn't realise how import a day off is for me and probably didn't realise what I was getting myself in for. But why is it ok for everyone else in our group to enjoy some time off but I can't, I have cried today to be honest.

He tried to cheer me up and say go out for the day and I will look after them, but go where, I wanted to chill at home in my garden and maybe have a cheeky glass of wine, before work he went to the shop and got me some snacks and a bottle of wine so he knows I'm pissed off.
Kids are in bed and I'm sat in my garden with 1 glass of wine and I will be getting up with them tomorrow as he is on nights

What would happen if you refused to help with the DSC?

I’m really struggling at the moment my 15 Year old son really hates my partner and the relationship is more than strained ! He stays at his dads most of the week as he doesn’t want to be around him . His dad doesn’t help things as he encourages him to hate him and is the one who turned him against him! My x tell him I put ‘my man’ before them ! Which in most ways is absolute rubbish I’ve always put the kids needs first but I can’t help thinking the fact that my son doesn’t come here because of my partner means I am putting him first by staying with him ! I’m so confused, really unhappy and just don’t know what to do!

@ChocBloc I wouldn't because I like to help him out, he does the same for me when I have things to do during the day at the weekend, I know it's swings and roundabouts and I'm probably annoyed that the kids school closed today, I wanted to go out and have lunch with my other half and then go plant shopping and then have a relaxing weekend and I know things don't always work out but I guess I'm just sulking a bit and feeling sorry for myself.

I know things don't always work out but I guess I'm just sulking a bit and feeling sorry for myself. does sound like it's just one of those unfortunate things and I think it's fine to feel disappointed. Can you book off another day? It's a pain in the bum using up all your holiday though.

@ChocBloc I was thinking I might in July when the weather is better and just before the kids break up for the holidays, I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood. It's just this part of being in a blended family I don't like, but then like I said before not all mums get a break so I need to be thankful

like I said before not all mums get a break so I need to be thankful not at all. Not everyone's situations are the same. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you but don't feel bad for feeling bad x

i think you’re being really hard in yourself. Everyone else is taking you for granted.

I would have been livid with the asking for extra contact then being ‘guilted’ into fucking off to the pub and leaving you to do all the work yet again. I say no to social things all the time because I have children to look after. We all do (I bet).

i also think you should try to stop seeing it as your responsibility to enable and facilitate his contact. Do not feel bad for wanting a break just because he’s hardly seen his daughter. He’s making choices about how he organises his life and his assumption is that you’ll just pick up all the work to make what he wants to happen happen.

Could he look at changing his job to be more suitable for him having contact with his daughter? I know that’s not necessarily straightforward but, the thing is, parents tend to plan their work and often turn down or dismiss great opportunities because they aren’t compatible with family life. Maybe your husband needs to rethink his work and/or his contact to make things work.

genuinely, I think it might be helpful to you to talk things through with a counsellor because it sounds like you are taking responsibility for other people’d issues - and, of course, they’re letting you do it. Meanwhile, you’re burning out. And that’s not ok.

Hi ladies, I hope you’re all well?!
I need a little vent about the husband. To be honest, it’s more of a relationship problem rather than step related problem but I know the vultures will jump on the fact my husband has contact away from the home eow and not actually give me anything constructive!
So on the Ss front, everything has been going as smoothly as can be lately. I’m starting to get my head around being alone with our toddler every fortnight etc. My head has felt a lot clearer and more positive. I feel like I’m beginning to get my life back in order. Herein lies the issue apparently.
When I met my husband, I was massively into health and fitness which came to a hault with the first lockdown. Then baby came along etc. I decided to rejoin the gym a few days ago which took a hell of a lot of courage from myself and I felt so proud of myself for taking the first steps back.
So this first session back also landed on a day that my husband came home from work in a massive depression low. He’s been recently diagnosed, been on medication a few months and seeing a therapist.
He admits he’s a very insecure person. He sees anything that I do as something nice for myself as something negative for him. For example, I had a bit of a refresh, got nails, hair done etc. Lost a few stone. This led to him saying things like he felt I was going to leave him for someone else etc.
I always reassure him that actually I’m doing these things to make myself feel good, not for anyone else.
I mentioned returning to the gym a little while ago and he made a comment about me meeting someone there which was passed off as a joke.
Now, I don’t have depression so I won’t pretend to know how it feels. I asked him what had caused this low day for him and he said he didn’t know. Then as the conversation went on, he said he didn’t feel appreciated or loved. I asked what I’m doing on my part to make him feel that way. He said he couldn’t actually give me reasons but that we don’t spend enough time together in the evenings as we are knackered and most of the time have early nights. I explained for the most part, that’s just life with a toddler at the moment. I’m a sahm so I just try and get though the day and by the evening, I just need to have a bit of space. Then I started feeling this was him trying to put me off going to the gym some evenings. Like now I needed to put more time into our relationship than myself.
It turned into an argument because I got so frustrated. He has his weekends away from our family life, him and his son are waited on by mil. He doesn’t have to cook or clean etc. He’ll meet up with his friends and their kids for days out and then returns home to me who also does as much as I can so he can enjoy his eves with his toddler after work.
When exactly do I get time from myself? He’s shat all over my happy mood and the first thing I actually want to do for myself. He’s trying to brush this all over now and say he didn’t mean to make me feel crap. It’s too late though. I’m left wondering why I even bloody bother!
Is this actually his depression or is he being a controlling dickhead? My last long term relationship was with someone incredibly controlling so I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into things to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I'm so sorry I missed this (been dealing with newborn hell) being depressed can certainly cause people to act in controlling arseholeish ways but they aren't mutually exclusive.

People can be depressed and not be a arsehole. Not every arsehole is depressed.

It's great he's aknowledges it but what's he doing to manage it ? Counselling, gp, tablets ect - however it's for him to manage not for you to alter your behaviour to apise him and his mood.

He needs to take responsibility for himself and you need to take care of you.

Read stepmonster is a good book, this isn't a step issue but more so a mum issue that many mums including myself have faced in the past.

Have courage. And set v firm boundaries over him managing his moods and his words. It's ok for someone to feel stormy, it's not ok to piss on someone's picnic just because.

Your entitled to self care (aka to to gym, get nails done) with being guilt tripped.

How are we all doing ? Alive kicking ready to down self ? (Hopefully just me on the latter)

Also reading stepmonster someone recommended it on here and oh lord lords it's been enlightening!

I must get that book @candlesandpitchforks, sounds really interesting & it keeps being mentioned!

@Stopandsmelltheflowers have you thought about encouraging him to come to the gym with you? Or out for a run together if that’s possible. If he’s is suffering from depression then the exercise would help as well as spending time doing something positive together. However a partner is supposed to bolster you and help raise you up when you are down NOT make themselves feel better at your expense….

@Stopandsmelltheflowers not really the main point of your post but just wanted to add that looking after your toddler so your DH can spend time with his DC is a lovely thing to do to encourage and enable him to have a relationship with his child. That in itself, if not recognised, is frustrating. Because it is you who is looking after a toddler which is hard work, and half his responsibility.

Hope you are doing okay

Sadly things seem to be going downhill pretty rapidly right now.
I was trying to keep busy and plan nice things for me and toddler while husband has his weekends away. I just couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and would feel it building a few days before the weekend was coming.
So yesterday I made a suggestion to my husband. Instead of him rushing back for an hour and a half on the Saturday eve to ‘help’ with our toddler and give me a tiny breather, would it be possible to stay here on the Friday night, do contact from first thing Saturday to Sunday night.
Well. Absolutely not apparently.
Im trying to stop him seeing his son and would be happier if he didn’t see him at all. He does everything he can do make everyone happy already and thought the arrangement was working perfectly already.
He’s absolutely not giving up the Friday night.
His solution was that he’d stay here with SS on the Friday night and then they’d bugger off to the in-laws for the rest of their weekend together.
Then came my turn to say no way. Although, not as politely as that!
I think he must have taken a knock to the head and has forgotten about why we’ve even had to take these weekends in different households.
I told him I can’t carry on like this. Our child and my needs are always last. His tunnel vision just zones in on his son and screw everyone else.
I’ve had a quick browse into filing for divorce online and a goggle for solicitors.
Am I really at this point now?!
Its terrifying. I’m a SAHM, tiny savings of my own. How the hell am I meant to do this?!

@Stopandsmelltheflowers I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I don’t really know what to say, but this isn’t your mess, it isn’t your fault and you are right to put yourself and your child first. The fact you are left with your joint DC who is a toddler, alone from Friday to Sunday evening every other weekend...

Can you get some space until Friday? Some space might make it easier to see a way forward. Is there a friend that can help over the weekend, even just to keep you company for a few hours? How old is your toddler?

Try not to worry about the big details for now, and give yourself some space and try and make the next few days as lovely as possible for your DC, and give yourself time to make a proper plan. I’d be tempted to tell your DH you have help on Saturday, even if you don’t so you don’t have the stress of him popping in for such a short space of time and then leaving again.

I started reading the stepmonster book recommended above earlier today and it helped me have a bit more confidence, annoyingly I couldn’t find an online version to read so had to order it, but might be worth a look.

I’m not sure if any of this is of any help but I hope you are as okay as you can be given everything you have going on

@Stopandsmelltheflowers aghhh sorry on holiday and wifi is rubbish (I'm hiding on balcony because I'm all touched out today - it sounds a awful but if anyone had experience with ASd kids know you how hard work it can be 😭😅 why did I want to do this in hot country)

Anyway I got sidetracked there. Users is spot on its lovely to enable that but it has to be appreciated. You sound burnt out and need a rest. Can you see what state support you can get ? (Not sure which country your from) but happy to point you in right direction)

Stepmonster book is on audible (btw which is great so I can listen to it without anyone knowing I'm listening to it) it's really a Brillant book.

Well, things are still in the shitter.

Husband found and read through my posts on this thread. Ive always been open that I come here to vent and it’s nothing I haven’t told him I’m thinking or feeling anyway. I even hoped that if he did read this stuff one day, maybe he’d understand my side a bit more.

Oh how wrong I was.

How dare I slander him and his son? Yes, he actually used the word slander. He’s angry, disgusted and disappointed.

How dare I discuss his depression? I have no right to do that.

How dare I call him controlling?
He feels betrayed. I shouldn’t have discussed this with people online. If I wanted peoples opinions, I should do it in confidence.
Also, how about I try telling you all the full story?

Confused? Yes, me too.

He’s completely minimised all of his son’s behaviour now too and even said my attitude towards him was bad. Also, I didn’t try and have stopped trying.

I have no doubt he’s still checking back to see if I’ve written anything else.

I did consider name changing or to stop posting but I won’t let him take away my one place to vent.

Remember, he’s not controlling after all 🙄

@Stopandsmelltheflowers well I think it's rather good your partner is reading this because maybe he will take the hint his behaviour it's not ok. People leave depressed people not because they don't love them, they leave because it's hard work living with someone who won't take responsibility for their own mental health.
I have had depression after first son died. I also know I was a self centred arsehole at the time, I wasn't my best self and I was hard work to be around mainly because I was angry. Something bad had happened to me so I had every right to be depressed but I didn't have a right to be a arsehole and hurt people in the process.

Your allowed to get advice and you can't get anymore anonymous than the internet. Literally only place you can get advice where people don't know who you are and therefore is protecting privacy.

I would simply ask why is it ok to favour one child above another and what does he think it will do to the siblings relationship long term. Having a golden child makes them a target.

You need to read stepmonster love honestly !!!

@Stopandsmelltheflowers when I posted previously I thought it was on the more recent support thread so had missed your previous posts. Just read them...

I was in a similar position and DH suggested he went away for contact and I said no. It was never going to work for me. I had married a man, with a child, with the belief we could all be a family and would all work towards that. Having a part time husband and part time father to our joint child was never going to work, it went against all of the values I had, and he had too, and I either wanted to be able to find a new routine as a single parent or have a husband that didn’t just opt out of of the marriage he chose almost 1/3rd of the time, in order for him himself to go against all of his parenting values, which was also reflected in holding a toddler to higher standards than his much older DC...

I’m not sure where you are with it, but I was at the point my DC had half a mum because I was struggling so much with everything else.

Anyway, hope things get better for you and I hope you at least managed to have a good weekend with your own DC

So, things are largely unresolved but on we plod!
He’s still not going to stay here on a Friday night but will be doing the actual evening routine with toddler on Saturday, rather than doing a bath and rushing off again.
The only way he was going to stay here, is if SS came with him for the night.
I said absolutely no way.
That led to a interesting discussion (argument) actually.
Im genuinely baffled about how he views the past. So he looks back on everything and thinks it wasn’t so bad and I’m overreacting about never being involved again. SS behaviour was all down to us. It’s actually quite sad really. I lost count of the times he had my husband in tears over the years and it must be horrible to somehow believe that’s your own fault.
He’s made me out to be a bit of a villain in his mind. All my efforts to help him give the kid some structure and boundaries are seen as what’s caused the kid to be miserable to be around.
And so I give up. I can’t get him to see sense anymore.
If he wants to keep prioritising his son over everyone else, that’s his problem.
I’m just going to look after myself and our child. I’ve finally reached the point of indifference.

Oh and you’ll be pleased to know, I finally have my hands on Stepmonster!

@Stopandsmelltheflowers great you got stepmonster - I am only a few chapters in but I find it a bit of relief to understand the dynamics and know I am not going mad... Hope you find some comfort from reading it.

I found it a challenging read tbh but it did help me accept the realities of being in a stepfamily.