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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wants to send DD to Private

180 replies

Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 07:19

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

OP posts:
CleanUpTime · 15/02/2022 07:29

I probably would be annoyed that it would impact our lifestyle overall in terms of holidays nights out etc but as long as it came 100% from THEIR money after bills were paid, and we were not married there isnt really much I could do/say.
But that would be key for me it must be that they pay their share of bills and any emergencies that come up and it comes from their disposable income only.

If my partner was happy to make that sacrifice for their dc then its their choice

Classicblunder · 15/02/2022 07:32

I wouldn't like it for the reasons you state, but I don't think you get a veto

SeasonFinale · 15/02/2022 07:41

Will their DD's other parent also be contributing to the school fees too?

If the DD was always going to go private then why should matter change now just because you are living with their parent?

ChoiceMummy · 15/02/2022 07:42

It wouldn't be my ideal.

I think that I would be insisting that absolutely everything that falls under joint finances is paid for/contributed by the other partner first so that they household as a whole does not have to make sacrifices for this.
I would also reiterate that this is your partner acknowledging that they won't be going on holidays etc for x years. And I think that the only discernible way to do this is literally to put every cost there would be and loss for this choice. So literally, cost of the uniforms etc and additional activities, that will most likely be many. Every cost your partner needs to contribute towards etc. But don't just do for today's costs, look at say the costs for the child in uniform in 4 years, there's always a big jump, look at how the schools costing has gone up historically. Etc
How old is the child?

Polyanthus2 · 15/02/2022 07:43

Well, if DS is doing fine, happy at school etc I don't think it matters. But if your attitude that it's unfair and he picks up on that there could be problems.
Sort out the finances - go on hols with DS and your friends.

labyrinthlaziness · 15/02/2022 07:45

It would make me reconsider the relationship if it was impacting family finances. It is like something from a Victorian novel!

Would the child's other parent be paying 50%? If so then that might change my mind a bit, but it really depends how well off your family is after the school fees have been paid.

This sort of thing causes lasting resentment. You are talking six figures on one child and not the other.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 07:46

Their choice is going to impact your life. Only you can decide if you can live with that.
If it’s going to impact the children it might be better if you live apart.

Holly60 · 15/02/2022 07:46

For me it would be enough to leave. I couldn’t necessarily object because it is their DD, their money, their choice etc. But I wouldn’t want my DS to have to experience that discrepancy in experience all the time. It would be a years long cause of tension for me and I’d just not want to live it.

I’m sorry. Blending families seems just impossible a lot of the time. In theory, fine. In reality, it just doesn’t really seem to work to the children’s advantage.

sunshinelover69 · 15/02/2022 07:47

We were in exactly this situation in that my daughter went to private school, and my stepsons did not. Separate finances, no one else's business.

frazzledasarock · 15/02/2022 07:47

I’d be splitting finances out. So you each hve and keep your own money only bills related expenses would go into a joint account with both partners contributing an equal share and then partner could spend their money on whatever they wanted including sending their child to private school.

I’d continue my life and go on holidays etc with my child.

KatherineJaneway · 15/02/2022 07:48

If they chose to send her private that is fine, I however would not be funding any of it and would have to have a long think about what the changes to my partners finances would have on our lifestyle.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/02/2022 07:48

I think that you will need to be very clear that

  1. You will not be contributing towards the school fees or subsidising your partner for other bills in any way, shape or form.
  2. You will not be compromising on how you choose to raise your child because of the impact of the private school on your partner’s finances. If you want to take your child to Spain and they can’t afford it then you will send them a postcard. If both children want a tablet for Xmas and you can afford one and they can’t then that is the way it is and the choice they made.

In essence you will end up with a “two tone” household - quite possibly with both children thinking that they are losing out. But - what else can you do? Let your ds lose out on things he wants / needs that you can afford in order for another child to go to private school? As a result I’m not sure how the relationship can last long term.

Enko · 15/02/2022 07:52

Would also depend on why? Just to go private would ring less with me than.
School specialises in x with dd is exceptional at or school is a dyslexia/ cresidida and dd needs acces to that. Or
Dd is badly bullied and needs a fresh start. Reasons like that would need looking closer at.

Forestdweller11 · 15/02/2022 07:52

Seems unfair and unequitable.

As well as things like holidays and presents you'll need to factor in things like home improvements, new cars etc. What if you need a new boiler but your DP can't afford to contribute?

Original poster
Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 07:53

@SeasonFinale

Will their DD's other parent also be contributing to the school fees too?

If the DD was always going to go private then why should matter change now just because you are living with their parent?

Other parent would not be paying anything. Schools had been discussed and private had never been on the agenda until now
OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 15/02/2022 07:55

How are your finances currently split?
How much will the fees be?

FelicityPike · 15/02/2022 07:58

@Mumoftwoinprimary

I think that you will need to be very clear that
  1. You will not be contributing towards the school fees or subsidising your partner for other bills in any way, shape or form.
  2. You will not be compromising on how you choose to raise your child because of the impact of the private school on your partner’s finances. If you want to take your child to Spain and they can’t afford it then you will send them a postcard. If both children want a tablet for Xmas and you can afford one and they can’t then that is the way it is and the choice they made.

In essence you will end up with a “two tone” household - quite possibly with both children thinking that they are losing out. But - what else can you do? Let your ds lose out on things he wants / needs that you can afford in order for another child to go to private school? As a result I’m not sure how the relationship can last long term.

I think this is bang on.
Original poster
Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 08:00

@Mumoftwoinprimary

I think that you will need to be very clear that
  1. You will not be contributing towards the school fees or subsidising your partner for other bills in any way, shape or form.
  2. You will not be compromising on how you choose to raise your child because of the impact of the private school on your partner’s finances. If you want to take your child to Spain and they can’t afford it then you will send them a postcard. If both children want a tablet for Xmas and you can afford one and they can’t then that is the way it is and the choice they made.

In essence you will end up with a “two tone” household - quite possibly with both children thinking that they are losing out. But - what else can you do? Let your ds lose out on things he wants / needs that you can afford in order for another child to go to private school? As a result I’m not sure how the relationship can last long term.

Completely agree. Ironic thing is my partner and her DD go on about fairness. But I can't see as they get older this is fair because aside from the school they would have different opportunities and somewhere along the line this would cause friction in the household. I also know her DD would make a thing out of going to private school. Which in essence would be rubbing my DS face in it which obviously I don't want.
OP posts:
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 15/02/2022 08:02

I think, as long as you aren't having to contribute or subsidise, then it's completely up to your partner.

Mumdiva99 · 15/02/2022 08:04

My issue would be that this doesn't sound like a family but two separate parents raising their children differently. Do you need to live together? Can you have separate homes? If both kids are living in the home then it is not fair on either of them.

HappyintheHills · 15/02/2022 08:04

Seems fine as they are partner not spouse, so long as they still contribute at previously agreed levels to joint living costs

ittakes2 · 15/02/2022 08:05

I think it’s interesting you don’t say why she thinks private is best for her.
I have twins - one at private and the other at a local school they can walk to. They choose their schools - I threaten my son if he doesn’t keep his grades up we will move him to private. He likes being able to walk to school. His days are 2.5hrs shorter than his sisters. Don’t assume your son will think he’s missing out you could be projecting your feelings.

Starseeking · 15/02/2022 08:05

I'd probably set up a separate household and maintain a relationship from afar. From why you've described living together long-term is a recipe for disaster.

AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 08:06

This is really the kind of thing that a couple should talk about before moving in with each other and blending families. It may very well result in resentment on both sides.

Now that you're in the situation, if you're going to stay, I think the only way is to keep finances completely separate, to each contribute 50% of costs and to agree that you will go on holidays etc without him. I agree that you shouldn't subsidise in any way, and that your dc shouldn't miss out on treats if he can't afford them. Having said that, I don't think you can dictate what he does with his dc if he can afford it.

I would consider leaving tbh. Not actually because I think the private school thing is an issue - I don't actually think it's worth it anyway - but because it sounds like he isn't rich enough to do it without a massive hit to his lifestyle and it would get pretty tedious living with someone who could never afford to do anything.

FairyCakeWings · 15/02/2022 08:06

I wouldn’t allow my child to live in a home where they couldn’t receive the same advantages as any other children living there.

It’s up to your partner and ex how they educate their child, and it’s up to you what you allow your child to experience.