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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wants to send DD to Private

180 replies

Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 07:19

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

OP posts:
MzHz · 15/02/2022 08:54

I too would leave.

If the dd is one to make a thing over it, she will make a thing over every single thing you can afford and her parent can’t - like holidays etc etc.

I dare say your dp will come to the realisation that it’s too much of a stretch especially if you say you’re not subsidising her choices by going without just because she’s spending all this money on one person in the household.

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 08:55

What would your partner say if you spent your free money on several lovely holidays for you and your DS each year which they couldn’t afford because of the private school? Would your partner say that was unfair and expect you to not go? Or expect you to choose a different cheaper destination/go less often/not go?

Louisianagumbo · 15/02/2022 08:56

Ultimately her daughter is not your daughter and your son is not her son. She should do what's best for her child within her own finances and you should do the same for yours. When they're adults, each of you will look back and want to know that you did all you could to give them the best start in adulthood. (Imo, that doesn't necessarily mean private school.) You're a blended family but you will both bring baggage to the relationship that will mean you parent differently and I don't see how that ever gets evened out.

QuirkyTurtle · 15/02/2022 08:57

I would leave simply because there is no point in pretending to be a blended family when something as crucial as this is entirely separate.

Stepparenting is hard enough already. The only reason my SO and I make it work is because we make ALL decisions together. No 'my child my choice' and I wouldn't have it any other way.

LIZS · 15/02/2022 08:57

How old is sdd/ds? If you do not combine finances and partner can support themselves and dd , contribute to joint living costs I don't think you can object.

Magda72 · 15/02/2022 09:00

I do get the 'my money, my choice' attitude. However I would be opposed to her making this decision unless she was saying "I want to send my dd to private school, I have the money & this decision will not impact in our finances or our plans".
To me it sounds like she has the money to do it but cannot actually afford it without making changes to her lifestyle & that of her dd. And that's really where the crux of the matter lies - due to this decision you will be living two different lifestyles as will your two dcs & I honestly cannot see how that will work moving forward.
As pp's have said the only way it might work is if you live apart and maintain different households.
I don't think it's the two dc having different educations that would necessarily cause problems (kids often don't worry about this stuff as much as adults) but rather the differences in your cash flows - you and ds going on holiday while your dp & her dd sit at home; you and ds going to dinner and an activity while they sit at home; you being able to upgrade your car for eg when she can't. You possibly feeling guilted into spending on them, her feelings resentful if you don't. It's more the smaller stuff that I could see causing problems.

underneaththeash · 15/02/2022 09:02

How much does your partner earn?
I suspect if your partner is not a high earner, once you've looked at school fees (which increase every year) and the cost of uniforms and trips it won't be feasible.

Iloveacurry · 15/02/2022 09:02

Will your partner be able to pay half of the household bills, mortgage/rent, if she sends her DD to private school?

Has she worked out how much spare money after school fees and household bills she will have for spending, saving, holidays, school uniform etc?

cookiemonster2468 · 15/02/2022 09:04

I think I'd be upset, because he is not seeing you all as an equal family unit. Assuming it is a serious relationship and you plan on a future together, it doesn't quite sit right.

bigbluebus · 15/02/2022 09:06

Your DP can choose how to spend their money if you have separate finances, in the same way as you can choose how to spend yours. I'm sure you will enjoy spending your money on holidays abroad and trips out for your DS that maybe your DP and their DD will not be able to afford. A great life lesson in how you can't have everything.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 09:08

I’d want to stop joint finances and do 50/50 on all bills - so put set amount in for bills and food shopping then keep the other finances separate

I’d be skiing in the winter and camping abroad in the summer, great things to do just me and D.C. or with others if they can afford it

Is this private school for secondary? Age 11?

It’s sounds like your dp is wanting to keep up with the Jones and if she can’t afford the extras that go with private education is going to be disappointed.

If it wasn’t for her friends doing it she wouldn’t have thought about it

A suggestion would be state school but offer your child all the extra activities outside of school, drama, sports, extra tuition, which would cost far less but add on e tea education if that’s what they want

Justtobeclear · 15/02/2022 09:11

Is your partner only able to afford it because you are contributing to the house as well? If you lived separately would she still be able to send her child to private school? If the answer is no then this should not be an option. Your child is your priority here and if your contribution means that her child will have better opportunities than yours I would leave and focus making sure I put everything into my child. Long term this is likely to cause resentment whichever way it goes - her to you for stopping it or you to her for going ahead and creating an imbalance in your household.

GrandmasCat · 15/02/2022 09:13

It would make you a dysfunctional family, the emotional effect it can have on you and your child is huge. There is no way you both are not going to lose on some stuff or even subsidise the school decision even if you try your hardest.

You cannot dictate what school she goes to but you can dictate what happens to you and your son. Personally, just after 4 years, I would be putting my ducks in a row and leave.

I grew up in a household where a child had far more than the other and it has damaged us all well into adulthood, because it is not only the fancy school fees, it is all the keeping up with the Jones the favoured child has to enact to fit in. It sucks not only the finances out of the family, the resentment is huge but even turn the favoured kid against the family as they become embarrassed their relatives are not like their friends’ families.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/02/2022 09:22

I honestly don’t think I could live in a house where one child goes to a few paying school and one doesn’t. I’m dithering enough about letting one child take the 11+ for the local grammar as his brothers didn’t.

But step siblings where one is at private and one is not? Not a healthy atmosphere to grow up in I don’t think.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/02/2022 09:24

No I wouldn’t like this. I have a dd from a previous relationship and we have a dc together and they are both treated the same. Our finances are pooled. House owned together etc etc. I think if you live as a family then things should be equal and that includes how the children are treated.

Opal8 · 15/02/2022 09:27

I suppose my gut would ask "why now"?

Is there something at play here you aren't party to? (Inheritance etc)?

Your do must do what they feel right but it won't be much if a partnership for you if they can never afford to go anywhere or do anything?

What if the boiler breaks? Or roof needs repairing? Where will they get money for their half?

Lots to think about

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 09:27

Have you discussed with your partner how this will impact on spare money/days out/holidays etc? What have they said?

How do you think they will react if you want to have nice holidays with your DS each year? I would be asking your partner this.

Iwonder08 · 15/02/2022 09:29

DD shouldn't suffer because you can't afford private fees for your own child. She is right and you should try and talk to your own child and explain the financial responsibilities set up should he ask any questions

ChocolateMassacre · 15/02/2022 09:31

Yes we are both resident parents

This is the crux for me. Your children are both children of the same household. If you were an EOW parent, it would be different. But I think children who are members of the same household should be treated equally. I can't see how blending families works otherwise. It's just too unfair to the children. Children living in the same household should have the same (or at least similar, since fairness doesn't necessarily require complete equality) opportunities.

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 09:34

@Iwonder08

DD shouldn't suffer because you can't afford private fees for your own child. She is right and you should try and talk to your own child and explain the financial responsibilities set up should he ask any questions
If the mother of DD spends all her free money on private school just for her, do you think it would be fine for the parent of DS to spend all their spare money on days out/lovely holidays just for DS?
AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 09:37

If the mother of DD spends all her free money on private school just for her, do you think it would be fine for the parent of DS to spend all their spare money on days out/lovely holidays just for DS?

I think that's the only logical conclusion. I still think that the partner's dd will get the worse end of the deal!

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 15/02/2022 09:40

I have to say that, if I felt my child would benefit from a private education (or tutors, music lessons etc) and I could afford it, I would always put the needs of my child before someone else’s child. But I have had several step-parents and the only way it works is for each parent to parent their own child, in my experience.

SeasonFinale · 15/02/2022 09:41

@dworky

I wouldn't allow it.
And how would you prevent it? The DD is not the OP's child.
vivainsomnia · 15/02/2022 09:41

Will your ds feel jealous or is it your projection? 3/4 of my kids' friends went private to secondary schools. It did make ne wonder whether mine would miss out. As it was, neither wanted to go private.

They flourished in the local comp and excelled. They got better A levels and went on to great uni and courses. They did many activities, had opportunities, some only available because they were in a below average comp.

I have no regrets at all that they didn't go private and neither do they.

The main issue is holidays. I would tell your oh that the deal is she puts x aside month towards an annual joint holiday.

AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 09:41

@AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters

I have to say that, if I felt my child would benefit from a private education (or tutors, music lessons etc) and I could afford it, I would always put the needs of my child before someone else’s child. But I have had several step-parents and the only way it works is for each parent to parent their own child, in my experience.
I would always put my child first too, but that's one of the reasons why I would never blend families tbh.