Partner wants to send DD to Private

[Chowbella123]

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

@Howshouldibehave

As long as both are capable of meeting their share of agreed upon household expenses

Well exactly what the OP said their partner (I think you’ve assumed it was a he) won’t be able to do the things they are used to.

What if they normally get a takeaway on a Friday night but the OP’s partner now can’t afford it. OP still wants one but the partner and child complain that’s unfair they can’t now afford it (as the OP says they do a lot)-that will cause problems. Should the OP not have one? Should they have to only have one if they also agree to pay for the whole household?

Well in tattler’s world, adult relationships are kind of benevolently sociopathic meeting of mutual convenience. They have no responsibilities towards their chosen partner and need not consider how their choices affect each other. They just parents their children however they like and, if the other one has a problem with how that affects them, they should just split up.

Whereas in the real world, it’s obvious that the Friday night takeaway issue would be a problem. The OP would be left with a set of shit choices, curtailing her own life because of her partner’s unilateral choices or having to subsidise those choices.

Inevitably, what would happen (and what people think is ok) is that the partner would choose to pay for private school and have little disposable income. This spending choice would be part of everyday life (different schools, different opportunities) but in ways that would recede into the background. But then the OP would be put in the position of feeling bad for using her disposable income in the ways she chooses to. It would be ‘mean’ to get takeaway for her and her son when the partner and daughter aren’t getting it. It would be unfair and make the SD feel unwanted. Same with day trips, or nice clothes, or holidays.

The huge financial choice of schooling would be conveniently ignored and the OP would be made to feel bad about making the more immediately visible choices about her own spending because it’s ‘unfair’ and ‘mean’. But the partner would just be ‘doing the right thing for her child’.

There’s no possibility of avoiding resentment. And the cause is that one partner has decided, unilaterally, to make a choice with decade long lifestyle implications and doesn’t care about the wider effects of this.

@DoNotTouchTheWater
In my world children are not sacrificed nor made to sacrifice in the furtherance of their parents love life or romantic interests. In my world when there are sacrifices to be made , it is generally the parent/s making a sacrifice to achieve or reach family goals and priorities. These are sacrifices that parent/s knowingly and willingly make in an effort to reach there prioritized goals and objectives. In these instances , they do not miss Friday night takeaways or travel if that is what is required to satisfy higher

If you prioritize travel and holidays over education their is nothing wrong with that. It is your personal choice.

If you can only love or live with a partner who brings to the financial table the ability to match you dollar for dollar after they have met whatever personal expenses that they may have, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Again it is a legitimate personal choice.

What is not reasonable nor fair is to expect a partner to deny their child an experience that they deem necessary or critical for the growing and future development of that child simply because you cannot or choose not to provide the same for your child.

Not every loving relationship requires that the partners live together. Nor does every grouping result in blending.

If I could not live with or love someone who did not share my priorities or was not at a minimum my financial equal , I would probably not have come to that realization after moving in with them. Hopefully, we would have had enough discussion and conversations long before the move in stage for both of us to know the priorities and preferences of the other.

If your partner and her child is already sensitive to things being equal, this is going to road to more arguments.

It's her choice to pay for her child's education but it sounds like she will end up asking you not to go on holiday or to spend less at Christmas or birthdays to "make things equal" which is aggro you don't need.

If you're desperate to stay together then dating her but having different households would be the best way to proceed. Her dd can enjoy and brag about private school and your son can enjoy holidays and luxuries

If she goes ahead, make sure she doesn't contribute less to the household as a result of her decision because that would be wildly unfair

But in this case the partner will be expecting the step parent to subsidise the partner and and their child so that their lives are materially unaltered by the partners unilateral decision.

Joint households are not the same as a blended households the parents of each set of children will prioritise their own child.

That’s fine.

But in this case OP and her child will lose out.

I think the only sensible thing to do is split out the household entirely and continue the relationship without blending households.

That way OP you won’t be sacrificing your standard of living to subsidise your step child’s schooling

I wouldn't live with someone in this situation as I wouldn't want my child to feel treated with so much less privilege within a supposed family unit.

@snog
How is a situation wherein both children attend the schools chosen by their respective parent treating either child with more privilege? These children have different parents who have different points of view?

Living with a partner does not in an of itself create a family. Proximity alone does not a family make. These children may share space in a house but not feel in anyways connected to each other. It takes more than mom and dad's romantic attraction to create family feelings among children.

The daughter can get to attend a certain school. The son can get certain holidays and trips. Both children can learn that different parents give and do things differently. They live in a world filled with differences. This will not be a new or world shaking experience for either of them. If they have separate or different travel experiences that will just be another outcome of having different parents.

Private education can be a pretty divisive thing in a nuclear family, but add in stepfamily dynamics and you could be creating an explosive chain reaction. Two of my siblings had the kind of abilities that would win them full scholarships at seriously good schools. The rest of us, not so much I can remember the discussions, but the project was eventually abandoned. One sibling deeply resents the missed opportunities to this day.

Without scholarship funding, it's a major long term financial commitment - and who knows what the future brings. If health issues intervene, or the economy bombs, will the child have to be sent back into the state system? A friendless child, trying to place themselves into established cliques, hindered by an over cultivated accent and an acquired sense of privilege? Ouch.

@Tattler2
I wouldn't want to live with a partner and two kids who are treated hugely differently with regards to their education, and that's my opinion. Whatever works for you works for you.

Is everyone here very very high?

The issue is not OP's partner is choosing to pay for their child's private school. The issue is that OP will now have increased expenses because of that decision. The issue is that OP will now have to spend their own money on the child that is not theirs, because of a decision that the other adult made.

If anyone here thinks that it's possible to have a normal family life where one parent/child has a takeaway every Friday while the other parent/child has bread and butter is delusional. OP will have to start paying up for extras if they want to maintain any kind of normality.

@QuirkyTurtle

Is everyone here very very high?

The issue is not OP's partner is choosing to pay for their child's private school. The issue is that OP will now have increased expenses because of that decision. The issue is that OP will now have to spend their own money on the child that is not theirs, because of a decision that the other adult made.

If anyone here thinks that it's possible to have a normal family life where one parent/child has a takeaway every Friday while the other parent/child has bread and butter is delusional. OP will have to start paying up for extras if they want to maintain any kind of normality.

I’m similarly perplexed.

I think people have just seen SD and private education and headed straight to ‘no one can deny her the opportunity’ and missed the actual problem.

It’s not actually about education at all. It’s making a choice that affects how the family live which inevitably will end in the OP paying for things like takeaways and Christmas presents and holidays because anything else will appear to create a ‘divide’ and unfairness to the SD who is missing out.

No one will be looking at the huge amount of money disproportionately being spent on the SD that means her mum can’t afford everyday treats or holidays. That inequality will be almost invisible. And the OP will be made to feel guilty about the SD being treated like the ‘poor relation’ if she’s ever left out.

The problem is the double standard in your partner's attitude about things being fair and the issues that will create, not the private school itself. Personally I think it's fine for her to send her DD to private school, as long as she accepts the financial consequences of that decision and the fact that you should no more be expected to subsidise her newfound lack of funds when it comes to holidays and gifts etc to make things "fair" for the two kids than she should be expected to pay for your DS to go to private school as well for the same reason.

She is drawing a line where you are funding your children separately, which is fine, but she needs to take the negatives of that as well as the positives.

This sounds like a minefield for both the parents and the children.

First, the OP might feel compelled to do glamorous things for their child, fancy vacations, etc. to “prove” that the child has not been disadvantaged, and to compete with the OP/daughter. Even with the best intentions, there may be a subconscious and understandable need to do something envious and fancy separately from the partner/daughter, just to make a point, and it sets up unspoken competition between what the kids get as a way for the parents to work out their feelings.

As for the child who will go to the private school, everyone will be incredibly sensitized to her bragging about it or turning up her nose. Children quite naturally want to talk about school and tell their family about their school life. Even if the child is simply just talking about stuff the way any regular child would do, it is likely to be interpreted as bragging or pride. I imagine after a while, the daughter would learn to keep her school life and problems completely to herself, out of a sensitivity of not rubbing it in and being branded a spoiled brat.

Not happy for anyone.

@Chowbella123 you are in the wrong here.

I side with your partner on this one. DD is her responsibility and she has to do what she thinks is best. In this case private education.

Your DS is not her responsibility. Why should her DD miss out because of him

Does your partner earn much more than you do?

@CrunchyNotMe how can the OP possibly being in the wrong for being worried about a potential situation which, if it happens, will undoubtedly create problems within her family?

The partner has every right to take the attitude that her dd shouldn’t miss out on private school because her live in partner can’t afford to do the same for their child, but that doesn’t mean the OP has to like it or live with it.

@Chowbella123

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

I’m starting to agree with the poster that started a thread about poor comprehension on MN earlier in the week. People just see SD and education and ignore the OP’s question.

The OP is not expecting her DS to go to private school; The OP is asking about the financial implications for joint finances and issues around resentment where their partner would not be able to afford holidays and things because they’d decided to send SD to private school.

It’s not about private school really. It’s about finances and lifestyle and one partner making a choice that drastically affects both (using the ‘my child; I can do whatever I want’ manner of shutting down conversation with those affected).

These things matter when you live together and are in a relationship.

It's not just about the money and the treats, holidays etc. Can you imagine the ramping up competition between the parents to justify their choices? The tutors/music lessons etc for the child in state education, so that they succeed as well as/more than the privately educated child? Just as well those children are not too close in age, or it would be hell on earth for the pair of them!

[quote FairyCakeWings]@CrunchyNotMe how can the OP possibly being in the wrong for being worried about a potential situation which, if it happens, will undoubtedly create problems within her family?

The partner has every right to take the attitude that her dd shouldn’t miss out on private school because her live in partner can’t afford to do the same for their child, but that doesn’t mean the OP has to like it or live with it.[/quote]
OP cannot ask her partner to do something. Its’s the partner’s choice. If OP feels so strongly against it, the issue is with OP!

I can’t imagine being with someone who dictates what I do with my money or for my DC.

@SpaceshiptoMars

It's not just about the money and the treats, holidays etc. Can you imagine the ramping up competition between the parents to justify their choices? The tutors/music lessons etc for the child in state education, so that they succeed as well as/more than the privately educated child? Just as well those children are not too close in age, or it would be hell on earth for the pair of them!

The differences in school holidays wouldn’t be easy either.

No wonder so many second or subsequent relationships fail when people seem to think the people in them don’t need to consider the household or compromise at all in making choices.

I think the crux of it is that neither parent is doing anything wrong. They both want what they think is best for their own child and there is a clash. There is not an easy solution as there isn't really a middle ground to compromise with and whatever choice is made will have an impact on the children. I think posters are looking to find a parent who is in the right and a parent who is the wrong bit this situation isn't that simple.

No wonder so many second or subsequent relationships fail when people seem to think the people in them don’t need to consider the household or compromise at all in making choices.
Never was a truer word spoken @DoNotTouchTheWater

I'm not sure.. you can have a child miserable at an independent school and another thriving at a good state. I certainly wouldn't worry about primary but in secondary they might start to think about the difference.

@Magda72
People entering into second or subsequent relationships generally bring more baggage and more people who will be impacted by these relationships and yet they seem , if what we read on this site is accurate, to do far less exploration and discussion of even the most basic issues. We see people not having in-depth discussions about parenting, partner expectations, finances, pre-existing/current debt, long-term commitment to assisting adult children, expectations regarding assets that partners bring into the relationship, prior commitments to the type of education to be made available for existing children, firm commitments and desire to have additional children, etc.

Seemingly ,many of these people only become aware of these issues as subjects for in-depth discussion after they marry or move in together.

Who buys a house with someone to whom they are not married without deciding prior to purchase how the property will be split or disposed of should the relationship not work out as expected? When you marry or move in with someone having had one or more failed relationships between the 2 of you, you are not some naive child wearing rose colored glasses.

You are an adult with enough life experience to at a minimum know what issues can and should be discussed and sorted prior to moving in, making joint property purchases , or marrying. Failing to discuss and ascertain if you are truly on the same page is choosing to be willfully ignorant and grossly negligent.

Sadly, it is one thing to conduct your own life in this manner, but to bring your children in to such a poorly informed situation is close to unforgivable.

@Tattler2 I had MANY an in depth discussion with my exdp about all sorts of things prior to him moving in with me. We felt that we had covered all bases while dealing with the facts we had to hand.
What we couldn't have foreseen was how our making decisions would 'ignite' a negative response in others - his exw & subsequently his dc.
What I couldn't have foreseen (because there had been no evidence of it) was how this behavioural change from his exw/dc would start affecting exdp.
2nd & subsequent marriages/relationships do not always fail through naivety or lack of discussion - they fail because there are often too many extra people with too many opinions on how THEY want the relationship to be & who will react emotively when they feel threatened by the relationship. When this happens it is through no fault of the couple in question yet they bear the brunt of it.
There is nothing more triggering for any parent than their dc & if you are unlucky to end up in a situation where there is a manipulative ex &/or dc then you often don't stand a chance through very little fault on your part.
My exdp and I parted very sadly but very amicably and each left the relationship with what we brought in to it. We could do this because we had discussed all this & we could govern ourselves and how we chose to handle things - what we couldn't govern was certain other people's behaviour & what I couldn't govern was exdp's reaction to it and NO amount of forward planning can protect you from that.

2nd & subsequent marriages/relationships do not always fail through naivety or lack of discussion - they fail because there are often too many extra people with too many opinions on how THEY want the relationship to be & who will react emotively when they feel threatened by the relationship. When this happens it is through no fault of the couple in question yet they bear the brunt of it.

I read one account where there were five adult children. One of them dominated the others. He said to his father that if the father remarried he would see nothing of any of his children again. The father called his bluff, and the children cut him off. This came to light when one of the daughters ended up in therapy several years later.

If I was in this scenario, I would rather it didn't happen - but as I couldn't forcibly stop it, I'd make it clear it won't have an impact on what I do with my child. So I will buy Christmas/birthday presents that I want, irrespective of if the other child's parent can't afford the same. Same with holidays. Your partner makes the decision to put themselves potentially in a difficult position financially, that's up to them.

I actually agree with someone earlier in the thread, unless your partner has absolutely stacks of money, I think it's your step daughter who is going to feel most put out in the long run..