Partner wants to send DD to Private

[Chowbella123]

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

I was actually in a similar situation. My SO and stepson's mum wanted to send stepson to private school before I came along. Then we realised we would not be able to send ALL kids to private school and so the decision was made that stepson would not be attending private school.

Although it's ultimately your partner's decision, I don't see how a well blended family can function like that. Like the previous poster said, it's just two separate people raising separate kids.

@ittakes2

I think it’s interesting you don’t say why she thinks private is best for her. I have twins - one at private and the other at a local school they can walk to. They choose their schools - I threaten my son if he doesn’t keep his grades up we will move him to private. He likes being able to walk to school. His days are 2.5hrs shorter than his sisters. Don’t assume your son will think he’s missing out you could be projecting your feelings.

She's only started looking into it as we met up with her friends and they send their kids to private. They were saying how great it is and how well their children are doing

How long have you been in a relationship with her? And how do your kids get along with each other?

@QuirkyTurtle

I was actually in a similar situation. My SO and stepson's mum wanted to send stepson to private school before I came along. Then we realised we would not be able to send ALL kids to private school and so the decision was made that stepson would not be attending private school.

Although it's ultimately your partner's decision, I don't see how a well blended family can function like that. Like the previous poster said, it's just two separate people raising separate kids.

I know and my DP has said about being involved with decision making with my DS too but it seems one rule for her and another for me. She always says about being a well blended family for stuff to be fair between the children but I don't see how this would be fair.

@GrazingSheep

How long have you been in a relationship with her? And how do your kids get along with each other?

For 4 years and they get along well overall

I'd be jealous of the opportunities this will bring her (as presumably there isn't a good state school where you live) and wish I could do the same for my child. Are you sure this isn't what you feel?

Agree with PP as long as joint contributions are paid first then it's fine for your DP to decide to prioritise this over holiday funds.

My stepchildren went to private school. One went to a tiny independent special school for support with ASD and another to a larger school not due to special needs. Fair never has to mean the same in any family. Your child will have holidays instead.

I’d struggle with this mainly on ideology really, my partner wouldn’t be who I thought he was if he decided this.

Both or neither go to private schòol. Id have to be told the dd's father was funding the private school 100% before think well maybe

I don't see how this can work long term particularly if it is going to have a material impact on your quality of life as a household.

I personally wouldn't like this. It's your partner's choice to send their child to a private school, but it would be my choice to live separately if that was the case. Especially if their child was potentially going to make 'a thing' of it to mine.

It sounds for your posts like there’s a bigger problem with ‘everything fair and equal unless I want my DD to have more’ with your DP. That’s going to cause resentment.

I agree with the others that, if she’s going to choose to pay for private school, then you should not be subsidising any aspect of anything in life. Split the finances do you both contribute half of bills and living expenses, and she has to pay for private school out of whatever she has left after she’s properly contributed.

And don’t curtail your lifestyle because she can’t afford things. Explain to her that you will take your DS out for meals, get takeaways, go on day trips and holidays, buy whatever stuff you want regardless whether she can afford that for her DD. She doesn’t get to complain about inequality or unfairness because she made her choice to spend many thousands of pounds on private school instead.

It will create obvious inequalities in the household. And probably frustration and resentment all round. She can do what she likes for her child’s education but she needs to be aware of the broader impacts of her choices.

It sounds so easy doesn't it, their child, their money, their choice.

But did you want to have a partner who couldn't go on family holidays? Or want to have to divide your money exactly?

I would leave over this, I think the only way for blended families to really work is to treat all the children who are living together equally.

So no giant pile of presents for one as the other will get loads at their other parents-if they spend Christmas Day together they get equal on the day, and any extras to compensate for another parent can be done when the step sibling isn't there.

You can't in any way make one in private and the other in state school equal, are you both resident parents?

Can they afford private school if you separate and they have to fund a home alone? The lack of holidays would suggest they can't, meaning you are inadvertently subsidising the fees, would the child have to be taken out of you separate? That's a hell of an unfair pressure on you.

@Jobsharenightmare

My stepchildren went to private school. One went to a tiny independent special school for support with ASD and another to a larger school not due to special needs. Fair never has to mean the same in any family. Your child will have holidays instead.

The problem is when the DP and her DD complain it’s not fair that they don’t get all the things that the OP can afford because she’s not paying thousands of pounds for schooling. The likelihood is that the OP will be guilt tripped about all the things she can afford.

And there’s also the fact that in a relationship you want to do nice things with your partner. You want to go on holiday with them etc. The partner here is deciding she will spend her money in a way that precludes this. So the OP would be left with a totally different relationship or having to subsidise her partner’s choices. Neither is a good outcome.

She can do what she likes for her child’s education but she needs to be aware of the broader impacts of her choices.

The biggest impact will be the disparity between the children. Is that something you can both live with? Will the children start to resent each other as they get older, for reasons outside of their control?

I actually think your partner's dd would be the one to feel that she was missing out more if there was no spare money for holidays, hobbies, gifts etc. Your ds will still be getting an education but she won't be getting any of those things if there isn't enough money to cover them. From a child's perspective, that could be quite a big deal.

Also, while she might make a big deal of the school thing to your ds, it could actually create a lot of pressure on her to "do better" than him in school, which she may or may not do.

I think she would be the one getting the thin end of the wedge, honestly speaking.

@lunar1

It sounds so easy doesn't it, their child, their money, their choice.

But did you want to have a partner who couldn't go on family holidays? Or want to have to divide your money exactly?

I would leave over this, I think the only way for blended families to really work is to treat all the children who are living together equally.

So no giant pile of presents for one as the other will get loads at their other parents-if they spend Christmas Day together they get equal on the day, and any extras to compensate for another parent can be done when the step sibling isn't there.

You can't in any way make one in private and the other in state school equal, are you both resident parents?

Can they afford private school if you separate and they have to fund a home alone? The lack of holidays would suggest they can't, meaning you are inadvertently subsidising the fees, would the child have to be taken out of you separate? That's a hell of an unfair pressure on you.

Yes we are both resident parents

@GrazingSheep

She can do what she likes for her child’s education but she needs to be aware of the broader impacts of her choices.

The biggest impact will be the disparity between the children. Is that something you can both live with? Will the children start to resent each other as they get older, for reasons outside of their control?

That is one thing. But actually I think the biggest impact is likely to be the build up of resentment because the DP can’t afford things so the OP has to behave like a single person , subsidise the partner because of the huge school bills or miss out.

Imagine feeling you either have to not get take away, pay for your partner or just get it for yourself and your child while your partner eats separately. Both the partner and her DD are going to feel (in the moment) that’s unfair. The DD is likely to feel she is the ‘poor relation’. Given the dynamic the OP’s hinted at in subsequent posts, it’s likely the OP will be made to feel guilty about spending her disposable income.

It’s a relationship. It can’t work if one party wants to make big financial decisions unilaterally that will impact on everyone’s quality of life.

I understand why your partner wants to do this and if finances are separate, then it’s her right. What is the age difference between the children? Would it not be an option for your son if you put some money away for a few years and then sent him?

@AlexaShutUp

I actually think your partner's dd would be the one to feel that she was missing out more if there was no spare money for holidays, hobbies, gifts etc. Your ds will still be getting an education but she won't be getting any of those things if there isn't enough money to cover them. From a child's perspective, that could be quite a big deal.

Also, while she might make a big deal of the school thing to your ds, it could actually create a lot of pressure on her to "do better" than him in school, which she may or may not do.

I think she would be the one getting the thin end of the wedge, honestly speaking.

Yes this could well be there case. Again it's not equal of both parts. My DP had the view of my child, my money and I was so angry about her behaviour especially since she harps on about equality

@UserBotLurking9to5

Both or neither go to private schòol. Id have to be told the dd's father was funding the private school 100% before think well maybe

How would this work? OP can’t forbid their partner from going Private if stating very clearly how they feel about it doesn’t work. Unless the child’s other parent will be paying and/or the partner is funding this without any impact on the household finances then it’s completely wrong to do this

If the OP is likely to feel guilty about spending her disposable income on stuff that her partner can afford, then I think they have to go their separate ways, or at least stop living together if the relationship is going to survive. It would be utterly miserable to live like that, and very unfair on the OP's ds.

If your partner decides to go with the private school, OP, I think she has to agree that you will set aside all thoughts of fairness going forward, as the kids clearly won't be getting the same treatment.

I wouldn't allow it.

On the one hand it's not going to work as the money will now always be an issue. On the other hand it's not your decision and you can't do anything about it.

You need a really big finance meeting. Everything will need to be looked at and you will need to look ahead for years.

People do make sacrifices to send their dc to private schools. Drive older cars etc. But it's going to be very difficult for you to be spending money on yourself and your son when your partner is broke. Are you two going to be heading out to Nando's and the cinema without the other two?

I can see this causing a lot of problems/resentment down the line.

How do the finances for the house you’re in work? Is it a joint mortgage? I’d be thinking that possibly this relationship might not survive this and how could We practically look to separate.