Partner wants to send DD to Private

[Chowbella123]

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

if it doesn't impact on the "family" finances

But OP has said it will. So?

OP isn't the only step parent in this equation. The wife should be held to the same "shallow" standards meaning OP should not allow his child to be impacted in any way by this.

if it doesn't impact on the "family" finances

Which OP has said it will.

OP had also said that the partner and her child talk a lot about things being fair, so the OP taking DS on holiday will be unfair.

To be honest it sounds like a dealbreaker to me. You either live as a family or you don't. As frivolous as holidays and trips out are in a way, they are important for relationship building, if your dp is constantly broke it will break down the relationship.

Inheritance is different and if it was that funding private Ed then it changes my opinion, they do have different families. Eg my Dp's dd got a car for her 21st, my dd is getting a card, some good chocolates and a meal at a local restaurant.

Actually I disagree with most of the posters. Your partner can choose to spend her money on her daughters education if she wishes and this is not an example of where I think equality should mean both kids go to the same school. All children in a family should have the same level of thought, care and support put into their education, but her daughter should not miss out on an opportunity because you can’t afford it for your son. You are expecting your partner to subsidise your lifestyle instead of choosing her daughter and I don’t think that’s right.

Also, have you considered approaching the school about bursaries if you were to send both children, this might make it affordable to send both.

You are expecting your partner to subsidise your lifestyle instead of choosing her daughter and I don’t think that’s right

I don’t get that impression at all!

To me, it reads like the OP’s partner wants to send their DD to private school which will mean they will have no money left to spend on holidays/days out. The OP says the partner and DD are v clear that they don’t like things being ‘unfair’ and is worried they will be pissed odd at OP wanting to do those things with DS when they can’t join in.

I think the OP is right to be concerned how everyday life will be impacted. It could be as simple as the Friday night takeaway, this is the sort of economising the OPs partner may need to do. Does the OP and her DS give up the weekly treat, eat their normal takeaway in front of the partner and her DD or pay for takeaway for everyone. All of those options are unfair to someone.

@Tiredtiredtired100

Actually I disagree with most of the posters. Your partner can choose to spend her money on her daughters education if she wishes and this is not an example of where I think equality should mean both kids go to the same school. All children in a family should have the same level of thought, care and support put into their education, but her daughter should not miss out on an opportunity because you can’t afford it for your son. You are expecting your partner to subsidise your lifestyle instead of choosing her daughter and I don’t think that’s right.

Also, have you considered approaching the school about bursaries if you were to send both children, this might make it affordable to send both.

I don’t think it’s the OP that’s expecting their partner to subsidise a lifestyle here.

What you have is one partner deciding on an extremely expensive choice that will impact on lifestyle enormously. And, in fact, is probably enabled by the fact that the OP is paying half the bills.

The other will inevitably end up subsidising that choice in so many ways. And being made to feel mean if she doesn’t.

The partner is welcome to make her choices about her child. But she does need to consider the impact this has on the rest of the household. As is so often the case on this board, the OP’s partner doesn’t want to do that. She wants to eat her cake and have it too.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

I think that you will need to be very clear that

1. You will not be contributing towards the school fees or subsidising your partner for other bills in any way, shape or form.
2. You will not be compromising on how you choose to raise your child because of the impact of the private school on your partner’s finances. If you want to take your child to Spain and they can’t afford it then you will send them a postcard. If both children want a tablet for Xmas and you can afford one and they can’t then that is the way it is and the choice they made.

In essence you will end up with a “two tone” household - quite possibly with both children thinking that they are losing out. But - what else can you do? Let your ds lose out on things he wants / needs that you can afford in order for another child to go to private school? As a result I’m not sure how the relationship can last long term.

I have a lot of experience about this issue and would be happy to share more if you want to DM me, @Chowbella123.

But more generally I think @Mumoftwoinprimary has it spot on.

And reading your further posts, if DD will make a big deal of this to deliberately cause problems then that’s not insignificant.

How old are DD and DS?

Private school is such a massive commitment and doing without a contribution from the ex is even harder.

Why has it suddenly come up as a preference and did your DP ask you about it or just tell you?

It is her money and her choice. But if it means she can't afford holidays she needs to understand the impact that will have on her and her child's she can't be complaining when you two go on holiday because she has spent all her money on school fees. I'm sure if she thinks about it she will realise that's not going to work because most kids would prefer the holidays and presents so ultimately it's her child who will end up resentful

@DoNotTouchTheWater it’s an interesting point that she can only afford this as her partner is subsidising the bills, but since the OP said they couldn’t afford private school for their child, I understood that you mean that their partner either had more savings or was the higher earner.

Either way, If all household bills and necessities are split 50:50 then surely it is up to each parent to spend the rest of their money on whatever they want?

Given a choice between a holiday every year for the next 5 years and takeaways, or my child going to the school I wanted, I would choose my child’s school. If the OP wants a different lifestyle (spending on holidays etc.) but his partner wants to spend that money, there is a fundamental lifestyle incompatibility but neither is inherently wrong in their stance. Personally, though, if my partner told me I wasn’t entitled to spend my own money on my son, I would be angry and think it was controlling. I don’t think that bringing my son into a blended family should mean that he loses out. If as a single parent I could have afforded private school, why should I not still have that option because of step children?

I actually seem to recall a thread from some time ago where a mom was about to move in with their partner who suddenly demanded all their children needed to go to private school, essentially expected her to cover the costs for his children. Everyone told her this was wrong and to refuse as her spare money was for her kids and his spare money was for his.

Do you all live together ?

I think that you are right to have these concerns given you have said you are blended and these choices will directly impact you/ the household.
If she chooses to send her DD private and that then impacts your quality of life as a family, you absolutely have a right to speak up and make your concerns known.

I think @Mumoftwoinprimary post is spot on if your partner chooses to move forward with this.

Private school is not a light commitment to make. Is she planning on sending the child all the way til 18? Has she looked into the extra curricular costs? The trips / sports tours/ different sports kits/ uniforms etc are all a small fortune. Terms also tend to be shorter than state so that increases holiday childcare costs (if applicable).

I personally prioritised private school and took the hits on lifestyle you are talking about. My exp made a few noises about the fact that my DC were private (his were not) and bluntly I told him to wind his neck in sharpish. But we didn’t have any form of blended finances so I had that latitude to make this sort of decision.

It’s a very different kettle of fish if my making that decision in anyway impacted him or if his money was in some way allowing me to send my kids private.

Funny how many people think that one child can be compensated for not having private education by excluding the other one from holidays. It just doesn’t compare, and what fun holidays those will be if only half of the family can go? Boring and lonely, I would say.

You are a couple or you are flatmates, you blend the family or you don’t. Personally, I would move out with my child so he can get enjoy what I could provide, and let partner do the same, no need to share a household and expenses when the balance is so skewed on the favour of one child.

I dunno. I think i would select what I felt was the best fit school for my child assuming that I could afford it. That would be my top consideration and honestly the fact that my partners child couldn't afford the same would not factor in my decision. After all ye might break up tomorrow
Honestly I think you sound jealous which I can understand

Could your DP afford private if you lived separately and weren't sharing living expenses?

If not, it's very unwise of her to consider sending her DD private if that means she relies upon you staying together/continuing to share living expenses.

You might want to point out to her that just as she will prioritise her DD, you will also prioritise your DS and that means living apart if necessary. Even if that means she can no longer afford to pay school fees for her DD.

@GrandmasCat

Funny how many people think that one child can be compensated for not having private education by excluding the other one from holidays. It just doesn’t compare, and what fun holidays those will be if only half of the family can go? Boring and lonely, I would say.

You are a couple or you are flatmates, you blend the family or you don’t. Personally, I would move out with my child so he can get enjoy what I could provide, and let partner do the same, no need to share a household and expenses when the balance is so skewed on the favour of one child.

No one is saying that the DS would be compensated by excluding the SD from holidays.

We are saying that SD’s mother would have chosen to have a lifestyle with no money for holidays etc. But that shouldn’t mean the OP and her son should have to lose out on holidays or subsidise the DP’s choices by paying for them all to go.

It’s completely different.

It seems unfair for DSD to be disadvantaged because of who her mother has chosen to be in a relationship with.

You aren't married and don't have joint finances. As long as your DP pulls their weight with bills etc, I'm not sure you can say anything.

If you'd met next year, would you chose not date because her DD was at private school?

If DS is happy and has friends that's fine... If DD is moving because of friendship problems at current school... I can honestly say from experience that private education is horrendously competitive for girls in all areas in and out of school - sports, academically and relationships with boys...parties of who is hosting and who is being taken on whose holiday villa...and my daughter had to drop out and back into state... way too much bitching!
But at the end of the day I do feel this is a joint decision if you in a relationship for the long haul.
How would she feel if you wanted your DS i private but not her DD?
Whatever - just keep the lines of communication open

@Moonlaserbearwolf

I have lots of questions.... How old are the two children and how close in age are they? How many years would your partner be paying school fees for and how much would they increase - if finances would be squeezed now, would she even be able to afford the fees as the child gets older? How much extra holiday time would the child at private school have? It can be as much as 6 weeks more a year than a state school. How would that impact family life? How will your partner manage work commitments if her child has 6 more weeks holiday each year? (maybe not such an issue if the child is secondary age)

I'm not against the idea of blended families having children at different schools - it can work. But I'd be asking the questions above to see if it could work in your situation.

My DS is 6, SD is 10. Would be paying for all secondary school. Would increase when she reaches upper secondary. I'm not even sure what extra holiday there would be but my DP would find that tough with her work.

Taking kids out of this, does this mean you can’t socialise as a couple unless you pay. How much spare cash will do have left… and has she considered all the costs that go with private schools? Extracurricular trips are extortionate, plus as lots of kids are from a wealthy background it can be meet-up with Jones… will you be able to watch dsc crying because she’s being excluded because mum can’t pay for x… but if you pay your own dc looses out. Is your Dp can’t comfortably afford it, honestly I’d live separately. If she blames you for then not being able to send her dc etc hopefully she will realise she couldn’t actually afford it and was sneakily expecting you to subside it via shared living costs

@Lollypop701
If the OP and her partner are sharing expenses equally, it is not her partner's business what she then does with her discretionary savings. He is not subsidizing anything sneakily or otherwise. He is paying his
equal share of the living expenses. When you pay a landlord, mortgage company, grocer , etc you don't get to dictate how they spend their discretionary income. Both he and the OP should be reducing their living expenses in the same way that they would should they have decided to take in a housemate. Neither would presume to think that they were subsidizing the roommate's income.

A child's access to whatever quality of education the parent desires to provide should not be tied to the parent's love life.

We have no idea whether either been of these children wish to be linked solely because their parents wish to live together and yet at least one of them is being expected to sacrifice in order to satisfy the needs and wants of the adults involved.

It sounds like a blending for some and an expected sacrifice for others.

Why can't the OP and her partner live together without involving themselves in the educational decision making related to their respective children. As long as both are capable of meeting their share of agreed upon household expenses, they should be free to provide for their children in the manner that they deem to be appropriate for their respective children.

If I had to make a choice between what I personally thought to be the best available choice for my child's education and going on a holiday or vacation, education would always win.

As long as both are capable of meeting their share of agreed upon household expenses

Well exactly what the OP said their partner (I think you’ve assumed it was a he) won’t be able to do the things they are used to.

What if they normally get a takeaway on a Friday night but the OP’s partner now can’t afford it. OP still wants one but the partner and child complain that’s unfair they can’t now afford it (as the OP says they do a lot)-that will cause problems. Should the OP not have one? Should they have to only have one if they also agree to pay for the whole household?

As usual too many people on this thread purposefully misunderstanding the OP just for the sake of being antagonistic.

I have two birth children. One went private, the other state. It was never a problem for either of them, they just went to the schools that suited them best. However we could afford all the extras for the private one, and there are a LOT of extras. You don't get asked, stuff just gets added to the bill at the end of term. Uniform was over £500 and that was decades ago. We also could afford holidays etc. Then there was the big difference in term lengths for the two schools. The private school had a lot more holiday. It's all food for thought.