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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wants to send DD to Private

180 replies

Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 07:19

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 15/02/2022 09:45

I'm actually going to go against the grain here a bit. I don't think your step child should miss out on a education just because you can't afford private school for your child. It's tricky but the children have different parents with different incomes and ideas on how to prioritize that that income. I don't think you can make things the same.

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 09:47

I have to say that, if I felt my child would benefit from a private education (or tutors, music lessons etc) and I could afford it, I would always put the needs of my child before someone else’s child

Absolutely fine but would you or your child object if your partner chose to spend their spare money on lovely days out or holidays for them/their own child.

KylieKoKo · 15/02/2022 09:50

There will always be differences, for example inheritance from grandparents. I'm not sure how you could even make things equal when there are two different families or even that you should attempt to. In life some people have more than others. It sucks for the ones with less but it's a fact.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 15/02/2022 09:53

@Howshouldibehave wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as each individual parent has their own money.

Chickenpoxtwins · 15/02/2022 09:56

Why should dsd's education suffer because it's unfair to your son, a child who is no relation to her?

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 09:58

As the OP writes, She always says about being a well blended family for stuff to be fair between the children

I’m wondering if the private school choice would mean DD’s mum would have a lot less money to spend on other things and would claim that was not ‘fair’ for the OP to do holidays that they now couldn’t afford.

What do you think she would say about that, @Chowbella123?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2022 09:59

Is she usually the sort to get a bright idea after meeting up with friends? It’s very keeping up with the Jones’s. She’s never mentioned it before so maybe she’ll go off the idea with a dose of reality and realising you won’t be subsiding the rest of their lives so they aren’t missing out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2022 09:59

@Chickenpoxtwins

Why should dsd's education suffer because it's unfair to your son, a child who is no relation to her?
Who says it will?
AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 09:59

@Chickenpoxtwins

Why should dsd's education suffer because it's unfair to your son, a child who is no relation to her?
I agree with the principle of this, even though I don't accept the premise that dd's education will suffer if she doesn't go to private school.

Children should not lose out in any way because of their parents being in a relationship. In this situation, the only real solution imo is for the OP and her partner to live separately.

ChocolateMassacre · 15/02/2022 10:00

@Chickenpoxtwins

Why should dsd's education suffer because it's unfair to your son, a child who is no relation to her?
These children live in the same house. They might not be biologically related but they're essentially being asked to live as siblings. That's not 'no relationship'!
KylieKoKo · 15/02/2022 10:10

If the op's parents left her child a large sum of money then I doubt the op would be splitting it with her step child to make it fair ....

LittleOwl153 · 15/02/2022 10:41

What are your comparative incomes? How are household bills currently shared?

I'm with pp. If this does go ahead I think you have to completely separate financing, pay 50:50 for household costs and then each do your own thing - fairness would no longer be able to come into it when it comes to trips etc.

How old are the two children?

Chickenpoxtwins · 15/02/2022 10:50

These children live in the same house. They might not be biologically related but they're essentially being asked to live as siblings. That's not 'no relationship

I said no relation. Not no relationship.

I also don't think private school is essential but the child's mother wants to send her dd. The op and partner could split up anytime and the course of the daughters education will have been changed because of perceived unfairness to a boy who is not a relation. It's not like you're talking about sending one child and not their brother, or even half brother. It's two unrelated children with two different sets of parents. If the adults choose to live together, why should the dsd be denied opportunities because of it?

I'm a stepmum and if dh and his ex chose to send their dc to private school, as long as it didnt mean dh couldn't meet his half of our living expenses, it's not up to me to deny his dc an opportunity that their parents want them to have because i can't/ don't want to provide that for my own children. If the ops partner feels private school is better than holidays, that's her right to decide that for her own child.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 15/02/2022 11:03

@Chickenpoxtwins I agree with you wholeheartedly. A set-up like the ones many posters have discussed requires all four parents being on the same page which is unlikely, unfair and ridiculous.

KylieKoKo · 15/02/2022 11:04

@Chickenpoxtwins

These children live in the same house. They might not be biologically related but they're essentially being asked to live as siblings. That's not 'no relationship

I said no relation. Not no relationship.

I also don't think private school is essential but the child's mother wants to send her dd. The op and partner could split up anytime and the course of the daughters education will have been changed because of perceived unfairness to a boy who is not a relation. It's not like you're talking about sending one child and not their brother, or even half brother. It's two unrelated children with two different sets of parents. If the adults choose to live together, why should the dsd be denied opportunities because of it?

I'm a stepmum and if dh and his ex chose to send their dc to private school, as long as it didnt mean dh couldn't meet his half of our living expenses, it's not up to me to deny his dc an opportunity that their parents want them to have because i can't/ don't want to provide that for my own children. If the ops partner feels private school is better than holidays, that's her right to decide that for her own child.

This how I feel @Chickenpoxtwins
AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 11:05

I also agree with @Chickenpoxtwins, but I don't think the relationship would be sustainable with everyone living in the same house.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/02/2022 11:29

Have you both looked at the fees? Affording private school on a single income without additional help isn't easy.

Tattler2 · 15/02/2022 11:35

I don't think that any good parent would deny their child what they perceive to be a good opportunity simply to appease a partner's sense of fairness.

I think the partner she continue to pay her agreed upon share of household expenses, but beyond that I don't think it is a decision that should involve you as her partner. The decision about schooling should be one that the parent/s make.
Wanting to give your child the best possible education that you can afford is not something that a parent should have to give up simply because a partner cannot or does not prioritize education in the same way.

Original poster
Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 11:39

@Howshouldibehave

As the OP writes, She always says about being a well blended family for stuff to be fair between the children

I’m wondering if the private school choice would mean DD’s mum would have a lot less money to spend on other things and would claim that was not ‘fair’ for the OP to do holidays that they now couldn’t afford.

What do you think she would say about that, @Chowbella123?

Yes I think I'm also annoyed because I know full well that DP would complain about us going pn holidays or doing activities that she could not afford as unfair. It would cause a split in the family all because of this potential choice that she has suddenly sprung on me
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 11:41

Yes I think I'm also annoyed because I know full well that DP would complain about us going pn holidays or doing activities that she could not afford as unfair. It would cause a split in the family all because of this potential choice that she has suddenly sprung on me

If she cannot see the double standards here, then I think you have bigger problems in your relationship really. How can she argue that it's her money, her dc when it comes to schooling but the same rule doesn't apply to you and your dc for anything else?

Original poster
Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 11:41

@KylieKoKo

If the op's parents left her child a large sum of money then I doubt the op would be splitting it with her step child to make it fair ....
DsD will have a very huge inheritance. She also has massive savings already. That does not affect me because like others have said our children have different families but I do not want my DS growing up in a household where there is resentment or arguements because of a choice where unfairness has been caused eg spending money on fees and then left not being able to do anything else.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 11:45

@AlexaShutUp

Yes I think I'm also annoyed because I know full well that DP would complain about us going pn holidays or doing activities that she could not afford as unfair. It would cause a split in the family all because of this potential choice that she has suddenly sprung on me

If she cannot see the double standards here, then I think you have bigger problems in your relationship really. How can she argue that it's her money, her dc when it comes to schooling but the same rule doesn't apply to you and your dc for anything else?

I know that's what I'm beginning to get frustrated with. But she doesn't see that
OP posts:
QuirkyTurtle · 15/02/2022 11:46

Why cause such unnecessary conflict in an already fraught situation? Is private school THAT important to her?

Ultimately, if you continue living together and stick to your guns about holidays, it's your partner's child that will be drawing the short end. No holidays, expensive gifts, takeaways etc in exchange for a posh school? What teenager wants that?

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 15/02/2022 11:47

Could they have afforded it if they weren’t in a relationship with you (same goes for the other parent if they are in a new relationship). If not, then they are benefitting from your finances indirectly.

AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 11:47

Her inability to see how unfair she is being sounds like a massive red flag to me, OP. Does she often struggle to see things from other people's points of view?