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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wants to send DD to Private

180 replies

Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 07:19

How would you feel if you lived with your partner, their DD and my DS and your partner wanted to send her DD to private school but you can't afford it for your DS

I get it's her DD and her choice but there's implications such as joint finances which would be affected. They wouldn't be able to afford holidays with us and such. I feel there would be resentment between our children while growing up and her DD isn't o one to not brag.

How would you feel about it?

OP posts:
ChocolateMassacre · 15/02/2022 11:56

It sounds like you have deeper problems in this relationship, in that she thinks it's fine for her to put her DD first but resents you doing the same for your DS.

I would be looking to live separately tbh as I don't think your DS should have to put up with being treated as second-best in his own home. If she can spend her money on her DD, you should be able to do the same for your DS.

Antsgomarching · 15/02/2022 11:57

I think with sensitivity this could work (I totally understand her prioritising her own child) but tbh your partner doesn’t sound like she has the self awareness to do that. Honestly it doesn’t sound great as it is, I’m not sure this is working for you now so much and I don’t see that it would get any better with the changes she is proposing

Moonlaserbearwolf · 15/02/2022 12:09

I have lots of questions.... How old are the two children and how close in age are they? How many years would your partner be paying school fees for and how much would they increase - if finances would be squeezed now, would she even be able to afford the fees as the child gets older? How much extra holiday time would the child at private school have? It can be as much as 6 weeks more a year than a state school. How would that impact family life? How will your partner manage work commitments if her child has 6 more weeks holiday each year? (maybe not such an issue if the child is secondary age)

I'm not against the idea of blended families having children at different schools - it can work. But I'd be asking the questions above to see if it could work in your situation.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2022 12:15

I don't think the different schools will be as much of a problem (though her daughter sounds like a pain in the arse) as the differences in everyday living. How can you treat your son to a meal out without them? How can you have a takeaway on a Saturday night if she can't afford to do that? What about holidays? If you buy a better car, will she want to drive it? Will she be happy if you buy your son new clothes and she can't afford to do the same for her daughter?

If she has the money spare, then obviously none of the above matters, but you haven't said how she'd be financially impacted by private school bills.

Original poster
Chowbella123 · 15/02/2022 12:28

@AlexaShutUp

Her inability to see how unfair she is being sounds like a massive red flag to me, OP. Does she often struggle to see things from other people's points of view?
Yes, we have spoke about this and she admits she struggles to
OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 15/02/2022 12:33

It's all a bit 'what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too'. Is she a lot younger than you? Not quite grown up yet?

How would she feel if you decided to put equivalent money aside for a future property purchase for your child? As her child will inherit, this may even out a future discrepancy. And solve the problem of holidays, meals out etc. You'd all be in a tent and dining on home-made sandwiches!

ChocolateMassacre · 15/02/2022 12:37

That's a good question to ask. You say you can't afford private school for your DS but is it going to be a problem if you save all your disposable income for your DS for a house deposit rather than spending it on days out etc. for your joint household?

Starseeking · 15/02/2022 12:43

The key question here is whether your DP could afford to send her DD private if you weren't contributing to the household. If she couldn't, then she shouldn't be doing it, as you would effectively be subsidising a lifestyle choice that you are unable to make for your own DS. If your DP can't see that, you'd probably be better off ending the relationship now.

SplitStep · 15/02/2022 12:57

I wouldn't be paying anything toward it nor would I be subsidising it in any way shape or form so she'd need to contribute the same amount to the home, to holidays etc etc..

If she can't afford holidays because of it I'd be going alone with my son.

GrazingSheep · 15/02/2022 13:00

I do not want my DS growing up in a household where there is resentment or arguements because of a choice where unfairness has been caused eg spending money on fees and then left not being able to do anything else.

In that case your only choice is to live separately.

buddylicious · 15/02/2022 13:00

They would need to fund it and also not expect you to pick up the costs of other things they can now no longer afford

funinthesun19 · 15/02/2022 13:17

I would be ok with it but I wouldn’t want to subsidise it in any way. I would want it to be clear to my child that it’s nothing to do with me and that stepsiblings sometimes get different opportunities to each other because they have different parents.

I would also not expect my partner to hold their child back because of my child. Because if it was the other way around I sure wouldn’t be holding mine back for a stepchild if I could afford private school for my child.

I can see both sides. But ultimately the child who has that opportunity should not miss it.

lunar1 · 15/02/2022 13:20

Can she afford private school if she didn't live with you?

I'll be honest she sounds awful, completely self absorbed and without any regard for your sons feelings.

funinthesun19 · 15/02/2022 13:22

I would also be going on holiday alone with my child on some great holidays. If my partner couldn’t afford to go with their child too because of the school fees then that’s just the way it is. Can’t have everything.

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 13:33

If this private school choice meant that they had no money left for days out or holidays and would spend years moaning how unfair it was that you were still going (and you always also had to holiday and go out for weekends without them for years), then I’d split up now.

Who owns the house? Can you easily separate-I can’t see this ending well.

SplitStep · 15/02/2022 13:43

@Howshouldibehave

If this private school choice meant that they had no money left for days out or holidays and would spend years moaning how unfair it was that you were still going (and you always also had to holiday and go out for weekends without them for years), then I’d split up now.

Who owns the house? Can you easily separate-I can’t see this ending well.

Me too.

Their child shouldn't miss out on an opportunity if their parents can afford it but that should never mean that your child misses out in any other way because you end up subsidising the private school in other ways.

I'd honestly leave tbh if you suspect that may happen. I'd never have my child miss out on anything for the sake of someone else's. Certainly not in their own home.

Will she even be able to afford it if you leave and she has to pay everything?

Southbucksldn · 15/02/2022 13:48

I had friends when I was a child whose parents did this.
Terrible adult relationships now and lots of family resentment. It isn’t worth it unless you can easily afford it for both.
I don’t know why people think doing this is ever a good idea.

snowdropsanddaffodils · 15/02/2022 13:53

Given that there are step parenting threads at the moment applauding step parents who happily walk away from decade long relationships with step children without so much as a look back I wouldn't let my child's future be dictated to by a step parent assuming minimal Impact on joint finances

SplitStep · 15/02/2022 13:58

@snowdropsanddaffodils

Given that there are step parenting threads at the moment applauding step parents who happily walk away from decade long relationships with step children without so much as a look back I wouldn't let my child's future be dictated to by a step parent assuming minimal Impact on joint finances
Oh hi!
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 13:59

Not a decade either, don't be fictitious now. Under 6 years is not a decade.

SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:00

The OPs wife is also a step parent to his son it seems. So in turn, he should let his sons life be dictated to by a step parent either.

SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:00

Shouldn't*

snowdropsanddaffodils · 15/02/2022 14:09

@SplitStep

Not a decade either, don't be fictitious now. Under 6 years is not a decade.

The basic facts are true though - it was a long standing relationship let's not split hairs over a couple of years - that was walked away from - my point is step parenting relationships can be transient and shallow and a step parent shouldn't dictate how a step child is educated if it doesn't impact on the "family" finances

QuirkyTurtle · 15/02/2022 14:12

I don't think anyone here is suggesting that OP as the stepparent should dictate how the child is educated? OP has stated that it WOULD impact family finances, which is why they are asking the question.

SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:12

Over a couple of years... A decade is nearly double the time 🤣