AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

@candlelightsatdawn again you miss the point about my brother it hasn't hit a nerve as his kids have a good dad and mum who co parent well mostly
I was pointing out how its hard in blended situations how sometimes he gets it wrong and sometimes his partner gets the step parenting wrong and its not always easy for either party

@worriedatthemoment

Thank you for the triple tag. Since we are talking of missing elements of a post let me reiterate

Anyway let's agree to disagree and say no more on the subject 💐

or DH didn't want to look after all three kids without help (likely)

I still think this is highly likely. I think it’s a bit of both SM being ill and her wanting them all to go another day and him not wanting to go on his own anyway. But he’s not exactly going tell the op about himself is he?

*Thank you for the triple tag. Since we are talking of missing elements of a post let me reiterate

Anyway let's agree to disagree and say no more on the subject* 💐

I didn't miss it i chose to ignore it as you do when something doesn't fit your narrative or your assumptions
Your condensing reply and balloons doesn't make your opinion more valid than mine

[quote worriedatthemoment]@aSofaNearYou how did I blame the stepmum for dad not doing something else
I said the OP ex dh should of arranged something else
I simply said we didn't know all the scenarios as people were claiming maybe it was changed as the Sm didn't want to miss watching her dc and maybe but none of actually know but hasn't stopped people saying why she may have had a very good reason to reschedule [/quote]
You said that you'd have encouraged your DH to spend time with them. Yes not blaming her exactly, but she shouldn't need to encourage him.

Also I can't speak for others but I'm not being selective in what I respond to or blindly supporting the SM, I've acknowledged that she appears to have some anger issues, but ultimately I think a parent only really has themself to blame for pushing their partner to that point. It's them that should be prioritising the kids and ensuring the situation is tolerable for everyone.

@worriedatthemoment I didn't miss it i chose to ignore

Mmm like your accusing other posters of doing ? That would make you a ? 😅

As I said we can agree to disagree but you seem to struggle with anyone disagreeing with you even about disagreeing. I was actually being nice but read or interpret what you want to it 🤷🏼‍♀️

From my personal opinion is your all over this post like a rash (posting far more than the OP)and frankly it's coming across a bit much but each to their own.

@candlelightsatdawn yet you can't stop replying and you know full well you wasn't just being nice , you were being sarcastic so own it at least
Its a forum i can post as little or not as I want same as you can

@aSofaNearYou yes I said what I would do not what she or someone else should and the reason I would do that is because it could be my kids in that scenario in the future
How your partner treats his other children may be how he also treats your children if the relationship doesn't work
Plus sometimes all of us maybe need another perspective when looking at things

[quote worriedatthemoment]@aSofaNearYou yes I said what I would do not what she or someone else should and the reason I would do that is because it could be my kids in that scenario in the future
How your partner treats his other children may be how he also treats your children if the relationship doesn't work
Plus sometimes all of us maybe need another perspective when looking at things [/quote]
I don't think he can really expect her to be a benevolent force encouraging him to be his best self in the background given he regularly leaves her to be in his "man cave" during his contact time. He's done her too much wrong.

Op @CherylPorter350 I feel for you I do. But I really do think that the trampoline thing is part of a wider problem that maybe needs addressing with your ex, as I think he's at the root of the problem.

I suspect this maybe him at the root of your frustration, which in a way is good because you can impact him (hopefully).

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Well of course her child is going to be more important to her than yours. And she isn't your dd isn't her daughter...perhaps she thought you or she would kick off if she didn't clarify that she isn't the mum?

I swear I've read threads on here where someone has kicked off because someone has complimented a child to a step parent and they haven't stepped in to correct them

It’s not hard to be truthful AND loving. ‘This is my step daughter. Yes she is beautiful isn’t she’.

Done. No misleading, 13 year old girl left feeling good about herself.

@candlelightsatdawn

Op *@CherylPorter350* I feel for you I do. But I really do think that the trampoline thing is part of a wider problem that maybe needs addressing with your ex, as I think he's at the root of the problem.

I suspect this maybe him at the root of your frustration, which in a way is good because you can impact him (hopefully).

I would agree with this having read your updates OP. The trampolining is just the icing on the cake.

@aSofaNearYou yes men and man caves !! It does sound like he puts to much on his soon to be wife so shes the bad guy which isn't fair either
If I was her I think i would also
Be concerned by his apparent lack of interest in his kids from a previous relationship as that could be your future someday too

[quote worriedatthemoment]@aSofaNearYou yes men and man caves !! It does sound like he puts to much on his soon to be wife so shes the bad guy which isn't fair either
If I was her I think i would also
Be concerned by his apparent lack of interest in his kids from a previous relationship as that could be your future someday too [/quote]
I haven't the foggiest idea why she would want to marry him! It will be complicated with their shared child but it comes across like their relationship has a lot of issues.

I haven't the foggiest idea why she would want to marry him! It will be complicated with their shared child but it comes across like their relationship has a lot of issues

I agree. I doesn’t sound like she gets much out of being with him apart from stress. Like I said no wonder she’s ill.
I know she’s said some awful things which were unnecessary and nasty. But I do think a lot of the time she’s probably just guilty by association and is dragged down by him. It probably feels a lot better and cathartic for op to aim her frustrations at her than him.
If I was her I would be ending the relationship because of everything collectively.

This thread is ridiculous YABU as quite frankly the whole cancellation of a family day out is none of OP's business to begin with. Sorry things happen that mean plans are re-arranged. I struggle to see the issue. It's trampolining??!!?? Not a trip to Disney. The SM was poorly. This is a classic case of over reach . Honestly ,if my ex tried to tell me what to do when my partner gets sick and we had a day planned I'd tell them where to go.

It's a family day out. One of the family meme bets is ill so they need to rearrange - just like any normal family. You are being very unreasonable and your children are old enough to understand why this has been cancelled. I know mine would

I don't think YABU op. I'm not a step parent but I have 2 close friends whose kids have SMs. I have to say I don't get this need in some families to do everything together - I think it's odd but I know others do things differently.

I do think your ex is a lazy so and so and I'd stop encouraging the kids to go if he doesn't make any effort while they're there.

@funinthesun19

I haven't the foggiest idea why she would want to marry him! It will be complicated with their shared child but it comes across like their relationship has a lot of issues

I agree. I doesn’t sound like she gets much out of being with him apart from stress. Like I said no wonder she’s ill.
I know she’s said some awful things which were unnecessary and nasty. But I do think a lot of the time she’s probably just guilty by association and is dragged down by him. It probably feels a lot better and cathartic for op to aim her frustrations at her than him.
If I was her I would be ending the relationship because of everything collectively.

Its not cathartic for me to aim my frustration at anyone...I'd really prefer the situation to be resolved and my children happy and I will work on finding a solution that fits best.

You say, yeah she's said some nasty things...but that's DP fault...is she not an autonomous being? Just seems like anything I've mentioned that she has done is glossed over and attributed to DP. She has a mind of her own. If someone spoke to her child in that fashion I'm sure she would be just as outraged...as would any mum.

You say, yeah she's said some nasty things...but that's DP fault...is she not an autonomous being? Just seems like anything I've mentioned that she has done is glossed over and attributed to DP. She has a mind of her own. If someone spoke to her child in that fashion I'm sure she would be just as outraged...as would any mum.

I haven’t glossed over anything. Her swearing at your children and being nasty is entirely unreasonable.

@funinthesun19

You say, yeah she's said some nasty things...but that's DP fault...is she not an autonomous being? Just seems like anything I've mentioned that she has done is glossed over and attributed to DP. She has a mind of her own. If someone spoke to her child in that fashion I'm sure she would be just as outraged...as would any mum.

I haven’t glossed over anything. Her swearing at your children and being nasty is entirely unreasonable.

You said, "I know she’s said some awful things which were unnecessary and nasty. But I do think a lot of the time she’s probably just guilty by association and is dragged down by him"

Earlier i was berated for accepting it was an exDH issue then going on to mention SM actions...that her actions didn't count or couldn't be criticised simply because at he core it was an exDH issue.

It seems here you've acknowledged her behaviour is wrong but she's somehow only guilty by association and its put back on exDH. Like it's being justified almost.

I suppose op @CherylPorter350 many have said maybe she's a she devil of a SM (who knows) but based on what you put here (and I have missed the text post so maybe I would change my view point) I don't think anything is horrifically wrong SM has done from what you have shared, maybe questionable in places but overall fine - I really don't see a issue with the rescheduling part tbh I think this is red herring.

All pp have said there another perspectives to the situations you have encountered.

You asked aibu and seemed to be getting cross that we aren't all lynching the SM and agreeing. Which I have to say is unusual because that's usually what happens on this board tbh.

What I am struggling with is that a lot of the comments here have been empathetic to you as a mum, but you seem to find that your ex being pointed at as the problem a issue and I don't know why ? It's not like his actions are reflection on you, he's a ex so I'm assuming no lingering unfinished business and frankly hes the only one you have some weight with to change. All in all a situation that could be improved.

Which if it really was the SM being a absolute toss pot, you literally couldn't do anything about that other than despair that your ex has bad taste in women. Even so if he agreed SM was evil or blind to it, he's still making the active choice to bring in SM into the kids lives and that's a choice on his part which in my eyes would make him just as evil in that situation.

You said in your previous post "it's bad enough I have to accept it's a ex DH problem" why is this bad ? I'm not being contrary or unkind I genuinely don't get why this is bad. I would get it obviously if it was your DH but it's not he's your ex so it's not on you.

@Nancylove12

This thread is ridiculous YABU as quite frankly the whole cancellation of a family day out is none of OP's business to begin with. Sorry things happen that mean plans are re-arranged. I struggle to see the issue. It's trampolining??!!?? Not a trip to Disney. The SM was poorly. This is a classic case of over reach . Honestly ,if my ex tried to tell me what to do when my partner gets sick and we had a day planned I'd tell them where to go.

I didnt tell my ex what he should be doing...I insisted he keep the contact he had arranged. I don't care if his DP is there...I care that he was letting our DC down. He gave the reason for that as SM...this isn't the first time he's cancelled changed things as it doesn't fit with SM...always his words. This is the only time I have ever expressed a view...and the basis for that was my children were upset and didn't want to tell dad themselves.