@CherylPorter350 The "bad enough" appears to be auto correct...I actually accepted...on many occasions it was an exDH issue but that appears to have fallen on deaf ears and the attack on me continued. I've realised nothing I said would of really been taken notice of, I had criticised SM and that seemed to be the focus...regardless of when I accepted others views.
when my son didn't want to go to his dad's as all the arguing between them, SM text him saying he was cruel for not going as his little brother wanted to see him and would now bug her all day.----//
Ahh that makes sense ! I did wonder (auto correct has done this to me several times to Sunday)
I think what happened is you did a lot of updates which is great (and most people don't) but I suspect like it usually does people don't always read all of them or read all of them well or at all. That's not your fault just might explain why people kept covering things that had been covered in previous updates. I can quite see how that can come across like a lot.
This board and MN this happens a lot and is frustrating, not that really will bring you any type of solice
So I think as a DM it's natural to want to throttle anyone who hurts your kids. I think @Magda72 post hit it on the head really.
I don't think it's acceptable for anyone to be verbally nasty to kids, yell at them or put adult feelings on children. Something I bang on and on about on this board to little avail. That text wasn't right because it wasn't really her place to say that, it was for the ex to raise if it was a issue (i know you must want to brain me for saying that). However he has allowed that situation and I don't doubt probably encouraged it and I think that's what a lot of people are trying to point out (on mass) . With a added few shaming comments which again isn't ok. Your not a bad mum for caring about your kids fyi so don't take that to heart.
I think what you have actually been driving at and correct me if I'm wrong but you want a solution right ? I personally would go the route Magda suggested actually.
I would also say when people say don't get involved what goes down in their house, it's not people saying don't care because your human and a mum and of course your gonna care so that's not gonna fly, but for your own sanity and your kids it's important for you to empower them to see the situation without the loyalty bonds that bind. Also speaking frankly im not sure how much traction your going to make (sorry to sound like a Debbie downer but sounds like your ex has no reason to change - sadly)
, I'm from a blended family and I view things now very differently than I did as a child. As a child I thought my Dad was great and evil sm kept him away but as a adult I realise he was a Disney dad who didn't really care enough and how my SM did most of not all the work and he repeatedly threw her under the bus, didn't throttle him I will never know.
Help your children hold the dad accountable or anyone actually accountable, and use their own voices to say hey don't swear at me (regardless of who's doing the swearing).
I speak as DM now it's the worst part of my family being divided allowing loss of control over protecting my DC directly from things that upset them on his time . I can usually trace back any hurt my DC has experienced on his watch usually down to his shoddy parenting or choices (which makes me more cross because it feels like he's got no reason to be better) and I get on with my ex btw so im not bitter about him !
I am happier to a degree actually when I don't heavily think about what goes down on his side of the fence, and I think you might be too and I have to hope I have instilled a fairly large voice in my DC to raise issues. Easier said than done when you have upset children or children of a shy nature, but eventually progress will be made maybe some counselling for the kids might help ? Horse therapy and acting classes really helped my fairly shy and reserved DSD come out of her shell (sorry total side note there) and now she's a lot more outspoken generally.
Summary is the SM may be a problem, certainly some of those things are problematic. The bigger problem is your ex is making the conscious choice to invite SM in to a leadership role which he should be manning himself. In that situation really all you can do is protect your MH, build your kids voices up, and try not to get to embroiled in their house (I'm not saying you don't have a right to want to protect kids) it's because I don't doubt the ex is loving on some level you two fighting . Also I don't know how much trying to convince your ex to do the right thing will do but you certainly will have more of a chance than with the SM because of how the ex is allowing things to be handled things.
I'm hoping this came across in the spirit it was meant and not harshly. In step parenting we have "nachoing" which is a useful tool for when things are getting a bit much and it helps deescalate things somewhat , I wonder if there's a version of it for DMs, on the flip side ?