AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

@worriedatthemoment

MN is like an alternate universe sometimes but it's certainly not due to DON'T think every instance of not centring the kids is the end of the world.

Mmm ok so just my perspective as a mum and SM.

You can't dictate what goes down in their house. The narrative that it's the SM controlling everything gives everyone kids and you included a nice scapegoat to blame when realistically your ex had a choice here. He didn't totally not do anything with the kids but the family dynamic in that house is everyone's important no solider left behind and all that. Isn't that what's preached as the golden halo of all things Blended family.
That's something you should want in your DC life's if they are part of a blended family right ?

If they had to change plans because one of your DC were sick but the other wasn't you wouldn't be annoyed right ?
If you wouldn't then you have to acknowledge that it's because part of you expects the SM to be at a lower level when it comes to the kids which maybe what you do in your house but that doesn't mean they have to or morally should have to in theirs.

SM/SP doesn't become lesser because you feel like the ex has to make up for the first family breaking at all costs. She has no reason to put herself last and will not do it more because your kicking off at your ex engaging the guilt thing.

If you want SC to be treated as equals in their household, you have to accept it swings both ways. Everyone has equal say, they all go or you don't go at all.

Your other option is that SC get excluded from events because you have a them vs us mentality going on.

This feels like it's about control tbh, it's ok to say to kids I know your disappointed but your still going it's just being rearranged so will still go.

I mean would take the chance not to be dragged to a trampoline park and get few hours undisturbed peace absolutely but that's just me. I hate those places tbh.

They want to operate as a family unit, I would let them as it benefits the kids in the long run to know they aren't always going to be the top priority, as in nuclear families priorities shift based on need and everyone is included.

I'm not sure what right you have to think you can say what goes down in their house tbh ? As a DM I would be fairly angry if my ex tried to tell me what I am and aren't allowed to do on my contact time.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@CherylPorter350 i wouldn't bother engaging with some on here as its another universe on mN at time it really is
Step oarents should allow some alone time with other dc , my nephew hates the fact his dads girlfriend is always on his visits or there he would just like a few hrs alone with his dad from time to time
Adults seem to forget they chose to have a blended family kids did not and sometimes not always but sometimes kids needs to be taken into account as well
As adults we have time alone with our partners as much as we love our kids why do some on here not think kids need the same alone time at times [/quote]
I've realised engaging on this board isn't worth it...I come across defensive but given the reaction I've gotten...is that unexpected.

I agree with one on one time with own DC. It's something me and DH did often when we started blending. We did one family activity a month with all DC then on the other weekend spent time with our own DC. Now they're older and we've been doing this for years its actually more common for DH to take the boys foot golfing and me take the girls to get our nails done...then we meet up for lunch.

We do still take time out with our own just not as regimented now they're all settled and feel secure in their positions in the family.

You seem very annoyed about them not doing family trips how you want them to tbh. If it was dad that was ill and SM decided to cancel the trip I don't think you'd be upset?

@worriedatthemoment Step oarents should allow some alone time with other dc , my nephew hates the fact his dads girlfriend is always on his visits or there he would just like a few hrs alone with his dad from time to time
Adults seem to forget they chose to have a blended family kids did not and sometimes not always but sometimes kids needs to be taken into account as well

The problem is with your statement is your using the words "SP allowing".

As a DM my partner doesn't "allow" me time with my DC, I make space for time with her alone because that's my responsibility as a parent.

If a parent my SP started saying you aren't allowed to xyz, I have choices. I have a choice to walk away from a relationship that doesn't allow me to parent and make space for my child that way. These men don't have a gun to their head. They can chose to spend time with their kids, just most of the time they don't want to do it alone as it's harder work alone so fall back while everyone blames the SP and they get a easier ride.

It's not rocket science. Blame the person who created the child, and actively participated in the first families break up, and then creation of the second family who then uses the SP as a crutch/shield in relation to the situation they created
.
People should start opening their eyes to the fact many many people (family included) allow the bar to be much lower for men as dads and blame the women on both sides when the situation goes pear shaped.

@MooSakah

You seem very annoyed about them not doing family trips how you want them to tbh. If it was dad that was ill and SM decided to cancel the trip I don't think you'd be upset?

If my kids were upset I'd still be as annoyed...its their reaction to the situation that fuelled me being pissed off.

If my kids were upset I'd still be as annoyed...its their reaction to the situation that fuelled me being pissed you'd genuinely be annoyed that SM wasn't taking them out? Then you need to look at your expectations of a SP.

If it was dad that was ill and SM decided to cancel the trip I don't think you'd be upset?

Exactly. I don’t see how it’s any different when the SM is ill.
The SM’s DC is missing out on the trip out too and the she’s accepted this as part of rescheduling it. It’s not just the dsc who are missing out on this occasion.
How they arrange their time is none of the OP’s business, whether it was arranged on what was the OP’s contact time or not. Once agreed to swap days it then becomes dad’s day. People don’t schedule when they’re going to be ill.

Maybe I should just retitle "my ex is a shit dad and allows his DP to vent her frustration at that fact on my children"

That's probably more accurate....but SM is still accountable for her actions...as in allowing that frustration to cloud how she treats the children. I don't care about their family dynamic or how they spend their time as long as the children are being treated as they should be. If exDH allows SM to dictate whether he can see his kids on his own, and choose whether he wants to go trampolining or not...yes that's an exDH problem. He has to grow a back bone.

I have brought up with my exDH that both kids, in particular my DD, would like more alone time with him. Its his fault he's doing nothing about that....yes he is an ass!!

Believe me I have raised this, at my children's request, a few times with him.

When my son didn't want to go to his dad's...SM text him saying he was being cruel as his little brother was looking forward to seeing him and would now bug her all day. There was no concern about my DS...personally it was an issue between him and his dad and she had no need to get involved. But she did, just to make DS feel bad.

@candlelightsatdawn except i never used the work mum did I
And i replied where it said i would not allow them to go and would rearrange it as i an family too
Also you don't know the whole story and wether on this case the step parent did also contribute to the marriage break up ?? Yes people have a choice but its hard if under pressure from your partner as many will know especially if you have further children
My brother suffers from guilt from leaving his dc mother so sometimes puts them above his new partners feelings when he shouldn't but she also at times expects to much from
Her SC and will always want to be there and thinks its because they hate her if they want time alone etc
Its a balancing act that will be different from family to family
In this case the dad let them down but if I think my dh is letting kids down in speak up as he would to me as well
So it works both ways

@funinthesun19

If it was dad that was ill and SM decided to cancel the trip I don't think you'd be upset?

Exactly. I don’t see how it’s any different when the SM is ill.
The SM’s DC is missing out on the trip out too and the she’s accepted this as part of rescheduling it. It’s not just the dsc who are missing out on this occasion.
How they arrange their time is none of the OP’s business, whether it was arranged on what was the OP’s contact time or not. Once agreed to swap days it then becomes dad’s day. People don’t schedule when they’re going to be ill.

We never swapped days....he asked to take them out. It directly impacted my plans for the day too. Then he said he'd take them to Mcdonald at 4....after that he text my DS saying it would be 2 because that suited SM better. He dicked me about all weekend...thats his fault and that's what I raised....with him. I didn't attack SM to him...I told him the kids were disappointed and they didn't feel they should miss out. It was only because I raised it he agreed to take them to mcdonalds. Then changed times again, with no mention to me citing SM preference. Any idiot can see a pattern there...yes he has no backbone...but why are our DC at the mercy of his DP schedule...why should I change my plans yet again because it suits SM.

I can only go on the information supplied by him...if he's using his DP as a scapegoat that's on him...im allowed to be pissed off regardless

@MooSakah

You seem very annoyed about them not doing family trips how you want them to tbh. If it was dad that was ill and SM decided to cancel the trip I don't think you'd be upset?

That's different, isn't it? It's contact with their Dad

And your dc sm had no right to text your dc about letting his little brother down because he didn't want to gi to his dads but I'm sure some will defend it, thats all on the SM she sent the message not the dad
some SP are great , some muddle along but some are awful same as bio parents
Also why is your dh not seeing the kids for 3 weeks as he is getting married is he leaving the country otherwise there is no reason to not see them the entire time unless your other ends of the country

@funinthesun19

If it was dad that was ill and SM decided to cancel the trip I don't think you'd be upset?

Exactly. I don’t see how it’s any different when the SM is ill.
The SM’s DC is missing out on the trip out too and the she’s accepted this as part of rescheduling it. It’s not just the dsc who are missing out on this occasion.
How they arrange their time is none of the OP’s business, whether it was arranged on what was the OP’s contact time or not. Once agreed to swap days it then becomes dad’s day. People don’t schedule when they’re going to be ill.

Is the SM's Dc also not going to see their Dad for 3 weeks @CherylPorter350 ?

I'm getting the impression that this is more about time with Dad being cancelled just before he's having a big break anyway? Rather than the actual activity?

He should have just arranged it for a day when the kids are normally with him.
And if you had plans you should have said no. I’m all for being flexible but if he asks and it doesn’t suit you just say no.

He caused this situation. The SM was ill but yet he still asked. It all makes perfect sense now why the SM said to cancel.

Is the SM's Dc also not going to see their Dad for 3 weeks

They could have just come and see him at home then.
This trip was arranged on a whim on his part because he fancied taking his kids out on a day when he wouldn’t normally have them.

@worriedatthemoment

And your dc sm had no right to text your dc about letting his little brother down because he didn't want to gi to his dads but I'm sure some will defend it, thats all on the SM she sent the message not the dad some SP are great , some muddle along but some are awful same as bio parents Also why is your dh not seeing the kids for 3 weeks as he is getting married is he leaving the country otherwise there is no reason to not see them the entire time unless your other ends of the country

I agree with that. As a SM I wouldn't care about it from my child's point of view. She shouldn't be getting involved there.

*We never swapped days....he asked to take them out. It directly impacted my plans for the day too. Then he said he'd take them to Mcdonald at 4....after that he text my DS saying it would be 2 because that suited SM better. He dicked me about all weekend...thats his fault and that's what I raised....with him. I didn't attack SM to him...I told him the kids were disappointed and they didn't feel they should miss out. It was only because I raised it he agreed to take them to mcdonalds. Then changed times again, with no mention to me citing SM preference. Any idiot can see a pattern there...yes he has no backbone...but why are our DC at the mercy of his DP schedule...why should I change my plans yet again because it suits SM.

I can only go on the information supplied by him...if he's using his DP as a scapegoat that's on him...im allowed to be pissed off regardless*

I'm confused by this. Perhaps you're missing out some of the things he said but still, nothing you've said really gives the impression it was her that wanted to cancel. Paired with his general avoidance of parenting it very much sounds more like a him thing.

I have to admit I did raise an eyebrow at "they didn't feel they should miss out", though. I understand "they felt disappointed" but the former does seem a bit entitled.

This sounds like a messy situation with fault on all sides, yes including the step mum, but on the specific topic of the OP, I think it's a bit off to think the problem is her not letting them have alone time with their dad. This seems to be something he's keen to actively avoid himself.

@sofakingcool

They only see him at weekends, this was my weekend..he has a stag do next weekend then some wedding related activity the following. SM DC is their own child so he'll see his dad through the week between his weekend activities

@worriedatthemoment

And your dc sm had no right to text your dc about letting his little brother down because he didn't want to gi to his dads but I'm sure some will defend it, thats all on the SM she sent the message not the dad some SP are great , some muddle along but some are awful same as bio parents Also why is your dh not seeing the kids for 3 weeks as he is getting married is he leaving the country otherwise there is no reason to not see them the entire time unless your other ends of the country

Thing is she's not an awful SM...ive never ever criticised her openly until this post. I see a pattern emerging since their own child has been born. My DC are now seeing this pattern. I agree the pattern is exDH not advocating for them...but SM has to accept some responsibility for altering how she treats them since their brother arrived.

It may be she now knows how it feels to have her own child, that's fine, she will l9ve her own child in a different way...but IMO the key is they are her feelings...as an adult she shouldn't allow those to influence or change how she treats the other children. It's for her to manage. It's exDH responsibility to point that out. The problem lies in the challenge in their relationship balancing the SC and their own children. Regardless....as their mum it hurts and frustrates me to see my own DC feel that way

I see a pattern emerging since their own child has been born. My DC are now seeing this pattern. I agree the pattern is exDH not advocating for them...but SM has to accept some responsibility for altering how she treats them since their brother arrived.

I think it's unlikely the pattern is coming from him not advocating for them in the face of SM randomly going off them. It's far more likely there have been issues between them surrounding him not stepping up following the birth of their DC and that has made her resentful.

@aSofaNearYou

I see a pattern emerging since their own child has been born. My DC are now seeing this pattern. I agree the pattern is exDH not advocating for them...but SM has to accept some responsibility for altering how she treats them since their brother arrived.

I think it's unlikely the pattern is coming from him not advocating for them in the face of SM randomly going off them. It's far more likely there have been issues between them surrounding him not stepping up following the birth of their DC and that has made her resentful.

Maybe that is the case...I don't disagree. Her resentment shouldn't be felt by the children though.

Maybe that is the case...I don't disagree. Her resentment shouldn't be felt by the children though.

No, but you can't realistically expect that to be her priority above all else, hence why it is imperative that people like your ex don't get into relationships and then make it awful for their partners, all while expecting them to do loads of childcare for their kids whilst seething with resentment. It's bound to result in situations like this.

Maybe that is the case...I don't disagree. Her resentment shouldn't be felt by the children though. I think I see what you are saying here and I think you are right. I get annoyed with my DSCs mum and yes I resent her and I resent the way my DH is so scared of her due to her verbal abuse but I try not let this affect the way I treat the children. Unfortunately I am only a human and not the greatest of actors so they are going to pick up of my dislike of her as they get older purely because my fake jollyness isn't the best.

@worriedatthemoment

except i never used the work mum did I
And i replied where it said i would not allow them to go and would rearrange it as i an family too
*
I'm not* sure where you have taken issue with there as I quoted you and right under the word step parents, you then mentioned your brothers gf 😵‍💫 generally not sure why your getting upset straight off the bat

Also you don't know the whole story and wether on this case the step parent did also contribute to the marriage break up ??

Thing is though and I say this as a ex wife who got cheated on by my ex DH while pregnant, my ex's contract was with me. He made vows to me, and a baby and not the OW . So actually unless someone women held a gun to his head, he made a active choice to cheat. The OW didn't make those vows and chose to break them, or create our DC or break up our family, he did. The blame with him for his actions.

Yes people have a choice but its hard if under pressure from your partner as many will know especially if you have further children

Then speaking frankly if a person can't cope with the blended family dynamics it's probably easier not to be in one ? Or have further children. That is a active choice choice made by you would hope willing participants. Blended families are not easy but all of these things are choices.

My brother suffers from guilt from leaving his dc mother so sometimes puts them above his new partners feelings when he shouldn't but she also at times expects to much from
Her SC and will always want to be there and thinks its because they hate her if they want time alone etc

The guilt doesn't benefit the children or your brother and sets up a them vs us dynamic which I would argue doesn't make SC feel included in the family and will lead to resentment on both sides. To me it sounds unhealthy but I each to their own. Personally I'm not in for doing the whole every single person must be together as a family or not at all as one on one time is important but it's not the same for every family so I can only give my perspective