AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

@aSofaNearYou

Maybe that is the case...I don't disagree. Her resentment shouldn't be felt by the children though.

No, but you can't realistically expect that to be her priority above all else, hence why it is imperative that people like your ex don't get into relationships and then make it awful for their partners, all while expecting them to do loads of childcare for their kids whilst seething with resentment. It's bound to result in situations like this.

At the end of the day I left my marriage as I did not want my children to grow up in an atmosphere of tension, shouting and unmanageable expectations. Im not surprised he is following the same patten now in this relationship and I do feel for her in that respect...ive been there. Unfortunately my focus is not on her though...my view hasn't changed in that I do not want my children exposed to that type of relationship. I also want them to have a relationship with their dad...hence my frustration at the situation. Do I expect the adults to manage their own emotions...yes. do I understand its not always possible...hell yeah. It doesn't detract from the fact my concern is my own DC though.

@MooSakah

Maybe that is the case...I don't disagree. Her resentment shouldn't be felt by the children though. I think I see what you are saying here and I think you are right. I get annoyed with my DSCs mum and yes I resent her and I resent the way my DH is so scared of her due to her verbal abuse but I try not let this affect the way I treat the children. Unfortunately I am only a human and not the greatest of actors so they are going to pick up of my dislike of her as they get older purely because my fake jollyness isn't the best.

My DHs ex was a nightmare, he had to fight tooth and nail through court to get access to his children. She has created so much shit over the years and has actively made sure her children miss out. I understand how frustrating being the SM is....i also know eventually the children make up their own minds...hence why my DSD lives with us.

I have given my DC SM thr benefit of the doubt, I actively encourage my kids to have a good relationship with her and their brother. I take them to buy their brother Xmas presents, I've taken them to buy SM presents when they've asked. I've in no way tried to alienate her because I did not want to be the same as my DSC mum. But...the taking her frustration at her relationship out on my DC is getting to a point I feel it's my job to stand up for them.

There is nothing for my kids to pick up on...theyre not on mumsnet funnily enough.

My god, you genuinely believe this don't you. Probably the most delusional sentence I've heard all week.

You sound far too involved in their family and obsessive over the SM to the point it's a little odd just how much anger you clearly have for her. I also can't help but point out that your children absolutely DO know that you can't stand their SM. Deny it all you want but it's clear for everyone to see here and children are not stupid they will know full well what you really think and they will tell you exactly what you want to hear. My own SC knew from a very early age that their mother hated me and made sure they went back to her after each visit with something they thought would make her feel better, often complete lies or fabricated stories about things that hadn't happened, all because they thought they were doing right by her. Ultimately it's my SC that have lost out in the long run because their mother destroyed what could have been a perfectly nicely blended family because she was angry and bitter. A lot like what you sound like I'm afraid OP. I really hope you can get some help with recognising this before you destroy your children's relationship with their father and SM any further than it sounds like you already have.

He may be a lousy father and it sounds like he probably is but you really need to take a step back, especially now your children are of an age they can deal with a lot of this themselves.

The bit you seem to have missed is that the SM may have wanted to see her own DC enjoy trampolining for the first time? Why is that not important? Or why is it not important for their child to have his mum there? He isn't any less important than your children and neither are SM's feelings which unfortunately you seem fixated on trying to dismiss.

@candlelightsatdawn but your experience and views are not everyones are they?
Your experiences and views don't make you automatically right and others wrong though even if you think it does
I stated my experience i don't have a sister with a partner who is a step dad so can't use that experience
You don't know the whole story and situation of the OP and don't know every step parent either

@candlelightsatdawn you also don't get to judge my brothers situation i was simply explaining how both can be wrong at different times
No one is perfect and many women do have an issue with the OW as well as their ex sh for various reasons
Not all feel like you

@Louisa4987 why do people always relate it to their experience maybe your situation is very different
So often here the birth mum is actually criticised as wel
In some cases it will be step parents and in other cases bio parents and othwr cases a c

** a combination of both
I bet your sc mum has a very different story to you
Some people are very good at keeping from the kids as the OP said her kids are not on mumsnet and you have no idea how she speaks about sm in their presence
I noticed all those blaming OP haven't once addressed the text message send by The Sm

@ReadySteadyTwins

There is nothing for my kids to pick up on...theyre not on mumsnet funnily enough.

My god, you genuinely believe this don't you. Probably the most delusional sentence I've heard all week.

You have no idea how I conduct myself with my children. If you think you do from my posts on an anonymous forum then I think it's clear who is delusional.

@Louisa4987 but you even say its ok for the sm to out her own child other
She had a cold she could of kept her child home if she wanted to see him for first time or lots of other scenarios
The fact is kids were let down the adults feelings come second here
The OP dh should of still took them somewhere even if the trampolining was rearranged , I think I would encourage my dh to still do something with the kids as it could be your kids one day

@worriedatthemoment

** a combination of both I bet your sc mum has a very different story to you Some people are very good at keeping from the kids as the OP said her kids are not on mumsnet and you have no idea how she speaks about sm in their presence I noticed all those blaming OP haven't once addressed the text message send by The Sm

Because apparently SM can do no wrong...calling a 12 year old cruel because he doesn't want to go to his dads to listen to them shouting...very mature. Place the blame on the child for your relationship problems...thats not damaging at all!

Thank you, I'm very good at hiding my emotions from my children in respect of their dad. The SM issue is fairly recent...after 8 years, im confident I deal with those emotions appropriately.

@CherylPorter350 some seem to be perfect don't they and iknow all just from a few little snippets of info
Its mainly SM defending as though its an attack on them and taking it from
How they have been treated when the scenario may be very very different
Not one has addressed the text message to your dc
As said before let you kids decide what contact they do and do not want going forward and if your ex dh has an issue with that then he needs to speak to his kids to find out why

@Louisa4987

You sound far too involved in their family and obsessive over the SM to the point it's a little odd just how much anger you clearly have for her. I also can't help but point out that your children absolutely DO know that you can't stand their SM. Deny it all you want but it's clear for everyone to see here and children are not stupid they will know full well what you really think and they will tell you exactly what you want to hear. My own SC knew from a very early age that their mother hated me and made sure they went back to her after each visit with something they thought would make her feel better, often complete lies or fabricated stories about things that hadn't happened, all because they thought they were doing right by her. Ultimately it's my SC that have lost out in the long run because their mother destroyed what could have been a perfectly nicely blended family because she was angry and bitter. A lot like what you sound like I'm afraid OP. I really hope you can get some help with recognising this before you destroy your children's relationship with their father and SM any further than it sounds like you already have.

He may be a lousy father and it sounds like he probably is but you really need to take a step back, especially now your children are of an age they can deal with a lot of this themselves.

The bit you seem to have missed is that the SM may have wanted to see her own DC enjoy trampolining for the first time? Why is that not important? Or why is it not important for their child to have his mum there? He isn't any less important than your children and neither are SM's feelings which unfortunately you seem fixated on trying to dismiss.

I'm not overly involved at all...this occurred on my time, hence I was given details I would nor have had were it their dads time.

I dont ask the ins and outs of what happens at dads...I usually just say "did you have a nice weekend ".

The only time I bring anything up is if my kids raise an issue...I speak to their dad...as co-parents that's how it should work. There have been occasions they've raised issues with their dad and he's discussed them with me. It's not unusual to communicate after divorce.

As previously stated, I've never mentioned SM specifically to exDH...her name came up in this as he referenced her. All other issues my kids have raised about SM I have discussed with them, had a conversation, encouraged them to see her point of view.

Is everyone just ignoring the things I've already said? Is everyone ignoring the parts where SM has been out of order?

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Louisa4987 why do people always relate it to their experience maybe your situation is very different
So often here the birth mum is actually criticised as wel
In some cases it will be step parents and in other cases bio parents and othwr cases a c[/quote]
Sorry you lost me at birth mum.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Louisa4987 but you even say its ok for the sm to out her own child other
She had a cold she could of kept her child home if she wanted to see him for first time or lots of other scenarios
The fact is kids were let down the adults feelings come second here
The OP dh should of still took them somewhere even if the trampolining was rearranged , I think I would encourage my dh to still do something with the kids as it could be your kids one day [/quote]
Chances are the younger child would have been sad to have been left out. Whether she didn't want to miss him going, or DH didn't want to look after all three kids without help (likely), it's still not unreasonable to reschedule. It's not indisputable that "kids were let down the adults feelings come second". The kids weren't let down by the plans being postponed. They were let down by dad not making alternative arrangements (which you've bizarrely blamed SM for here). But I disagree that adults feelings should come second to kids simply not wanting to wait longer for something to happen.

@worriedatthemoment when you post on the internet expect people to make a judgement call what you have posted.

I wouldn't want to damage my children and I expect people to be accountable for their actions, that's inclusive of my ex and his actions. Not everyone wants to do that and that's their call.. but That's the point of mumsnet to get other peoples views on a situation

Your taking what I said incredibly personally ... I'm simply stating my views on the situation put in front of me however it's interesting your calling me out when of your below comments are making wide sweeping assumptions on all SM and telling the op not to listen 😂 oh the irony.

@candlelightsatdawn except i haven't made wide sweeping views I have said multiple times great stepparents , bad and those who muddle along just like all parents
Your taking it personally as a SM
All families will be different I even mentioned my brother stating where both the step parent and bio parent can both be wrong at times and sometimes its learning and finding what works
Your the one who is very one sided an d have assumed some facts and then judged
Same goes you post on a forum expect not all to agree with you and how your views

@aSofaNearYou how did I blame the stepmum for dad not doing something else
I said the OP ex dh should of arranged something else
I simply said we didn't know all the scenarios as people were claiming maybe it was changed as the Sm didn't want to miss watching her dc and maybe but none of actually know but hasn't stopped people saying why she may have had a very good reason to reschedule

@Louisa4987 well thats what many have called them on here what is the correct term ? Real mum bio mum? All can be offensive to someone
And its not jerry mcguirre

@CherylPorter350 yes they are only answering the bits that suits them
Your kids SM could be great but like anyone she could skip up make a mistake or wrong judgement call nut you supposedly shouldn't mention it
Im sure couples together sometimes have discussions as such as well its not soley SM or sd
I think a bit too much is often put on stepmums mire so than stepdads which is why often there mentioned more

[quote worriedatthemoment]@CherylPorter350 some seem to be perfect don't they and iknow all just from a few little snippets of info
Its mainly SM defending as though its an attack on them and taking it from
How they have been treated when the scenario may be very very different
Not one has addressed the text message to your dc
As said before let you kids decide what contact they do and do not want going forward and if your ex dh has an issue with that then he needs to speak to his kids to find out why [/quote]
It's amazing how selective this group are in terms of what they respond to.

My DD already wants to cut contact time down...I think you're right and the solution is to allow the children to air their view on the contact schedule. exDH can then deal with the fall out and all parties will be happy.

Haven't read through @CherylPorter350 but as a dm whose dc have a sm you have an exh problem.
The only person letting down his kids is him & if he hasn't the balls to stand up to his dp - if that's really what's going on here (as opposed to him not wanting to parent 'alone'), then he needs to grow a pair!

@worriedatthemoment your comments like this

Its mainly SM defending as though its an attack on them and taking it from
How they have been treated when the scenario may be very very different

Speak for themselves along with jumping on every person who posts something you personally disagree with .

Rationally OP has done 54 updates people are going to miss things. I have certain missed a text one and I went looking for it so on that I can't comment because I haven't seen it. To assume people are avoiding it selectively is a odd flex. I have seen quite a lot of support for the OP from SM tbh, she's of course denfensive because I'm assuming she knows deep down this is more of a ex issue and that's probably making her frustrated because she left him and he still won't parent.

Funnily enough just to clarify - I responded to OP as a mum and put myself in her shoes, I just disagree with some (not all of her response) .

I also responded to your brother situation very much from a DM not a SM because I personally find that men like my ex (probably OPs ex) behave that way because the their family has enabled excused the behaviour for years. No of course I don't know your brothers personal story so I don't know the ins and outs that may excuse his actions but for you to get so worked up over it makes me think it's hit a nerve 🤷🏼‍♀️ and if your brother cheated on his ex wife well unfortunately he didn't have a gun to his head and he made his choice. I'm sorry but it is what it is.

As a DM it annoys me a lot that my ex Disney dads, as I'm sure it annoys my DD SM I'm just as I'm sure it's annoys OP.

Ex wives and SM have more in common than sometimes they realise if only people would conveniently stop putting them against each other (whether that be a man or a family member making apologises for crappy behaviour on a man's part)

Anyway let's agree to disagree and say no more on the subject 💐

Personally I would be cross with the DP in this situation. I would also from my own MH be stepping away from trying to get DH to take accountability because he isn't and he won't. The SM could be evil incarnate, OPs allowed to vent but in mine and looks like others the anger is misdirected.

@candlelightsatdawn no he never cheated so where did you magic that from , no cheating from either party an amicable split but he felt guilty not living with his DC 24/7 and my post about SM was saying that mostly sm on here as is the case who had assumed certain scenarios and been hard on the op
You read something thats not there and its funny people comment without having all the facts or who make them up
Your making huge assumptions

@candlelightsatdawn the OP also accepted early on about being an ex issue yet people still piled in accusing her of all sorts