AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

What they are reliably reporting though is that they’re not happy and struggling with it all.

The specifics and realities, you have no idea. But they’re not coping well here and that’s why you’re so upset.

You obviously have a BM issue

Not at all. It’s quite possible for me to be a BM myself and still disagree with your reactions to certain things.

My exDH words were as SM is ill we can't go. He told the DC she didn't want them to go without her. then he is the one creating the division. He should have presented a united front and just said SM is ill and its an "all of us" thing. Let's go another time and go to mcdonalds instead this time.

When my DD was upset by the comment...she told her dad. The SM came to her room and shouted at her she was being stupid and, her words, "well you're not bloody mine are you" then as she walked away said loudly..."you look like your fucking mother" see now that is the sort of thing to have a go at your ex about. Not what activities they choose to cancel when one person is ill.

Wow, You really don't like the SM do You?

I can guarantee Your kids are picking up on that.

As for the 'She's not my Daughter' The SM really couldn't win could she?

Irrelevant really to this thread but a few months back I was in the hairdressers with my step son having his hair cut, the hairdresser turned round to me and said 'what do you think Mum' I just said 'yes it looks great thank you'. I didn't correct her and neither did dss. Once outside I gave him a massive hug and apologised for not correcting. We were actually there having his hair cut for his Mums funeral the next day.

@CherylPorter350

What I said was, if she was leaving it to DH then she should not have made that comment and simply say your dad is sorting it...go speak with him. She choose to make the comment that his kilt didn't matter. Im not saying she should arrange but if she has agreed with DP that he should be arranging it..simply say that. Its about controlling her own behaviour and not taking that frustration out on a child

"It doesn't matter" could have easily been said as a reassuring thing. It doesn't matter if it doesn't quite fit right the main thing is you're there etc

You have all made your points, whether I agree or not, abundantly clear. I'll give the SM the nod that this is where to go to bash the kids mum for caring. She'll be in good company

If you'd ranted about your ex you would have had more understanding. Most people here are just trying to help you see it from the stepmums side. If you aren't there it's not as clear what's gone on as you think.

My son was in the next room and heard her. Now my DS and DD don't get along so he never sticks up for her...but the comment upset him also

Or, perhaps your children have picked up on your hatred to this woman (believe me, they have) and say things like this to appease you and appear supportive and loyal.

"Yeah, we hate her too" and takes of Cruella de Ville, are often heard when the children in question feel they must fall in line with their mother.

*tales

@ReadySteadyTwins

My son was in the next room and heard her. Now my DS and DD don't get along so he never sticks up for her...but the comment upset him also

Or, perhaps your children have picked up on your hatred to this woman (believe me, they have) and say things like this to appease you and appear supportive and loyal.

"Yeah, we hate her too" and takes of Cruella de Ville, are often heard when the children in question feel they must fall in line with their mother.

I do not hate this woman...I don't think I've ever hated anyone. I dislike some of the things she does...

There is nothing for my kids to pick up on...theyre not on mumsnet funnily enough.

Again, as previously stated...if they've voiced concerns in regards to their SM I encourage them to see a bigger picture and emphasise what she does for them.

I ranted...online...to strangers...that way there is nothing for my kids to pick up on

I ranted...online...to strangers...that way there is nothing for my kids to pick up on

You've also ranted to their dad about various situations they've told you about.

There's clearly an atmosphere.
Of course they'll have picked up on that.

They'll have seen micro-expressions when they're telling you their stories.

They'll have seen you roll your eyes when dad cancelled on them again

@CherylPorter350

You have all made your points, whether I agree or not, abundantly clear. I'll give the SM the nod that this is where to go to bash the kids mum for caring. She'll be in good company

Again, why are you being so incredibly defensive. Your actual conduct suggest reasonable and level headed, supporting your children but encouraging them to see things from another angle. Yet your comments on here are reactionary, extreme, and make you sound far more like a stereotypical bitter ex. Why? There's no need for it.

We disagreed with some of the things you said, absolutely no need for "this is where to go to bash the kids mum for caring" or all the nonsense about us all having "a problem with BMs". Just calm down and nobody will think you're extreme or biased against step parents, you're making yourself look that way with your responses, not your actions.

You are one step removed from the SM in all senses and so your problem is with your children’s father, not her. He sets the tone of partnering for his children while they are with him.
Coming on here to rant about the SM when you know we are continually battling to make this forum friendly to SMs is a bit odd.

@girlmom21

I ranted...online...to strangers...that way there is nothing for my kids to pick up on

You've also ranted to their dad about various situations they've told you about.

There's clearly an atmosphere.
Of course they'll have picked up on that.

They'll have seen micro-expressions when they're telling you their stories.

They'll have seen you roll your eyes when dad cancelled on them again

Ok...so I'm not to raise any issues with their dad? Thus is not done in front of my children...ever. my children are under the impression me and their dad are good friends...they asked why I wasn't going to the wedding. That's how well we manage to separate adult issues from the children.

I've categorically never ranted in front of my children...or in ear shot. We either communicate by text or I leave the house to make a call.

I can absolutely guarantee there is lots for your kids to pick up on. Dps ex would say that too, but it's not true at all. You can see the hate and spite clearly in your posts. It's a shame.

Equally I don't see this issue re rearranging a day out. If I was ill I wouldn't want dp, D's and dss to go without me. I am part of their family whether dss mum likes it or not.

That's what being part of a family Is sometimes. If one of your children was ill would you expect everyone else to go? No.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I can absolutely guarantee there is lots for your kids to pick up on. Dps ex would say that too, but it's not true at all. You can see the hate and spite clearly in your posts. It's a shame.

Equally I don't see this issue re rearranging a day out. If I was ill I wouldn't want dp, D's and dss to go without me. I am part of their family whether dss mum likes it or not.

That's what being part of a family Is sometimes. If one of your children was ill would you expect everyone else to go? No.

If one of my children were ill? A child being ill and an adult being ill are two different things. As a step mum, if I were ill, I'd still want my DSC to go have fun with their dad...I would not have them disappointed on my behalf. But both me and my DH are child centred when it comes to our blended family.

Well you say that, but what you think you'd do in a situation and the reality are often two different things. If your own child was also going that's another layer of issues there isn't it?

How is being child centered going for you? I ask because in my experience it's the number one way to create resentment in a relationship. Putting yourself on a lower level than someone else isn't necessarily a good thing. Do I consider my children? Of course. Does that mean I put myself last, miss out on things and bow down to how the ex thinks I should live? No. Because I'm worth more.

It's nothing to do with you whether they go ahead or rearranging. Postponing to include ALL the family is normal. Everyone deserves to be involved. The step mum isn't a lesser being in this scenario despite your views on her

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Well you say that, but what you think you'd do in a situation and the reality are often two different things. If your own child was also going that's another layer of issues there isn't it?

How is being child centered going for you? I ask because in my experience it's the number one way to create resentment in a relationship. Putting yourself on a lower level than someone else isn't necessarily a good thing. Do I consider my children? Of course. Does that mean I put myself last, miss out on things and bow down to how the ex thinks I should live? No. Because I'm worth more.

It's nothing to do with you whether they go ahead or rearranging. Postponing to include ALL the family is normal. Everyone deserves to be involved. The step mum isn't a lesser being in this scenario despite your views on her

I've been in that scenario actually...we had a weekend away planned with DC and DSC and I ended up in hospital having my gallbladder removed. I insisted the kids did not miss out, why should they?

Being child centred is going great thanks....we've been a blended family for 10 years...no resentment here. We talk through our adult issues and adjust our parenting styles in agreement. So far, we've 2 grown up DC both thriving and successful adults.

Being that child centric is not the only way to be. Postponing a family day out because one person is ill is perfectly normal and a valid way of doing things.

Having promised to take them somewhere today, the dad absolutely should have taken them (and the 4yo) somewhere so he wasn't dicking you around.

But you're not helping anyone or anything by being pissed off they're not as "child centric" as you and postponed until they could all go together. In the scheme of things, it's really not a problem.

You're just focusing on the wrong things.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro how is it being child centred taking your kids out for a day as promised
If as an adult you can't miss one afternoon at a trampoline park then you have bigger issues
Its ok for dad also to just spend time with the dc's

@Getyourarseofffthequattro how it going not allowing your sdc to never have time alone with their dad?
Do they not deserve this ?
I live with my kids father yet we still do things one on one with them at times as thats nice also
We were on holiday abroad and I was ill in appt for 2 days , my dh and kids went out and did things planned why should we of all sat in with just. Me ill as I am an adult and can get over it and why should all suffer
It was a trampoline park as well not exactly a once in a lifetime day out or a weekend away

@CherylPorter350 i wouldn't bother engaging with some on here as its another universe on mN at time it really is
Step oarents should allow some alone time with other dc , my nephew hates the fact his dads girlfriend is always on his visits or there he would just like a few hrs alone with his dad from time to time
Adults seem to forget they chose to have a blended family kids did not and sometimes not always but sometimes kids needs to be taken into account as well
As adults we have time alone with our partners as much as we love our kids why do some on here not think kids need the same alone time at times

Thing is, you know what your ex is like. You divorced the man.

Why are you assuming that your blended family household - in which you are both resident parents and presumably you think he’s a much better partner and parent than your ex - is in any way representative of theirs.

You’ve noted that your SC’s mother can be difficult about you.

It really would be worth considering that the household in which your ex is a parent, is just a whole different kettle of fish. So what you think you would do in any particular situation is not the ‘right way to fo things in a blended family’. It’s just what would work for you in your particular situation.

‘Child centred’ can mean all kinds of things. Lots of people might argue that being ‘child centred’ is postponing a particular trip so that the whole family can go. Note: postponing not cancelling. Because family cohesion is most important for meeting the child’s needs - and being child centred is about those needs. The trip out is for the family not just the children, so it’s of less value if someone is missing.

Your issue isn’t about that at all. It’s that you are upset that their father has failed to do what he promised on additional contact he’s arranged because he’s chosen not to see them for the best part of a month.

Is it really the activity that you think is do important? Or is it that you are worried about the place your children have in their father’s life?

The child he has with his fiancée is more central to that life because his mother makes that happen. You are not there to make your children central in his life, and to some extent you seem annoyed that their stepmother is doing that for you.

The actual problem is that he’s a half arsed father. It’s more obvious in relation to your children because you aren’t together so you aren’t doing the work that papers over the cracks. And no one else is going to do that for them.

As a SM, she can’t care about the SC more than their father. It’s not reasonable. As a mother, she can care about her child more than his father does. But the thing that is likely to be driving the disparity is not her. It’s him.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@CherylPorter350 i wouldn't bother engaging with some on here as its another universe on mN at time it really is
Step oarents should allow some alone time with other dc , my nephew hates the fact his dads girlfriend is always on his visits or there he would just like a few hrs alone with his dad from time to time
Adults seem to forget they chose to have a blended family kids did not and sometimes not always but sometimes kids needs to be taken into account as well
As adults we have time alone with our partners as much as we love our kids why do some on here not think kids need the same alone time at times [/quote]
What are you even talking about?

This has nothing to do with alone time, it was never planned as a one to one occasion.

If she was looking forward to going for whatever reason, probably to do with her own DC, it's not the end of the world.

And it probably had more to do with dad not wanting to do it alone anyway.