AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

To the other posters; yes, it's only trampolining. I'm not talking about money here because clearly as a family they had earmarked the money. The DP was ill and because of that wanted everyone to wait until she was better. I can only say what I would do and it would be to wave everyone off and tell them to have a good time. From what the OP says it's the kids that missed out on this occasion. As far as I'm concerned my blended family can have time without me. I don't, or we all don't have to be present.

As for the DF nor being able to cope with all the DC together alone, the OPs DC are 12 and 13 - unless there are SN then the DF is lacking there too.

Look: you know who your ex is. This kind of shit is probably why he’s your ex. At least in part.

If they (appear to) have a close family unit, how much of that do you think is his doing (from his man cave)? And how much is due to how much effort his fiancée puts in to doing family?

You say that he leaves parenting your children up to her. And that they don’t like her or want to see her as family. Yet, she is trying to do things as a family with them.

So who is to blame for your DC not feeling part of that family unit?

Honestly, the best way to help your DC here is to really think about the extent to which every single one of you - you, him, your DC - are scapegoating her rather than addressing the actual issue. He just isn’t a very good father. He leaves it all to the nearest woman. He’s not building a relationship with his children. Their SM cannot make them feel part of the family no matter how hard she tries, because she’s always already positioned as an outsider.

You have a problem with your ex. That’s the long and the short of it.

@BurntToastAgain

Look: you know who your ex is. This kind of shit is probably why he’s your ex. At least in part.

If they (appear to) have a close family unit, how much of that do you think is his doing (from his man cave)? And how much is due to how much effort his fiancée puts in to doing family?

You say that he leaves parenting your children up to her. And that they don’t like her or want to see her as family. Yet, she is trying to do things as a family with them.

So who is to blame for your DC not feeling part of that family unit?

Honestly, the best way to help your DC here is to really think about the extent to which every single one of you - you, him, your DC - are scapegoating her rather than addressing the actual issue. He just isn’t a very good father. He leaves it all to the nearest woman. He’s not building a relationship with his children. Their SM cannot make them feel part of the family no matter how hard she tries, because she’s always already positioned as an outsider.

You have a problem with your ex. That’s the long and the short of it.

This.

And do you know what, @CherylPorter350?

If you frame it as the ex issue that it is, then I think you’ll find that we on this board are pretty sympathetic to both you and the SM in a situation where the nonresident father is just not stepping up for his children.

@MorningNinja

To the other posters; yes, it's only trampolining. I'm not talking about money here because clearly as a family they had earmarked the money. The DP was ill and because of that wanted everyone to wait until she was better. I can only say what I would do and it would be to wave everyone off and tell them to have a good time. From what the OP says it's the kids that missed out on this occasion. As far as I'm concerned my blended family can have time without me. I don't, or we all don't have to be present.

As for the DF nor being able to cope with all the DC together alone, the OPs DC are 12 and 13 - unless there are SN then the DF is lacking there too.

Thank you! That was my view...I would rather see my DC and DSC go have fun...do what they'd planned and, when I'm feeling better, we get to do it all again. Win win.

For those mentioning budget...I know exDH has the money to do it twice as he constantly brags to the children how much he has and how expensive all of his watches, shoes, cars are. That wasn't an issue

My DC are nearee 13 and 14...they adore their brother, no SN, and they're more than able to help out with him. He's 4

And your children too. Obviously.

Their father is letting them down.

@BurntToastAgain

Look: you know who your ex is. This kind of shit is probably why he’s your ex. At least in part.

If they (appear to) have a close family unit, how much of that do you think is his doing (from his man cave)? And how much is due to how much effort his fiancée puts in to doing family?

You say that he leaves parenting your children up to her. And that they don’t like her or want to see her as family. Yet, she is trying to do things as a family with them.

So who is to blame for your DC not feeling part of that family unit?

Honestly, the best way to help your DC here is to really think about the extent to which every single one of you - you, him, your DC - are scapegoating her rather than addressing the actual issue. He just isn’t a very good father. He leaves it all to the nearest woman. He’s not building a relationship with his children. Their SM cannot make them feel part of the family no matter how hard she tries, because she’s always already positioned as an outsider.

You have a problem with your ex. That’s the long and the short of it.

This. Your exDH is shit. Easier to scapegoat SM though.

Thank you! That was my view...I would rather see my DC and DSC go have fun...do what they'd planned and, when I'm feeling better, we get to do it all again. Win win.

For those mentioning budget...I know exDH has the money to do it twice as he constantly brags to the children how much he has and how expensive all of his watches, shoes, cars are. That wasn't an issue

My DC are nearee 13 and 14...they adore their brother, no SN, and they're more than able to help out with him. He's 4

But you are still blaming the wrong person here.

He isn’t seeing them for 3 weeks. He chose to let them down.

It’s psychologically much easier for everyone to blame the SM. But this is a crap father problem.

Your OP said This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM. now you're trying to tell us you're mad at him?

Maybe she rules the roost because he's an absolute bum who can't think for himself?

The fact you 'went off on one' at him is unreasonable and irrational. If you feel that strongly about it you can take them trampolining rather than trying to cause problems in someone else's relationship.

You don't know the ins and outs. You start the thread to say that you accept teenagers will not always be totally truthful but then seem to take everything they say at face value.

Maybe she was very unwell and was scared to be left alone. Maybe she had a painful miscarriage and needed emotional support.

How old is their child? Maybe she was too poorly to look after him but taking him would have significantly restricted what they could do.

Of course you are going to be disappointed for them, that's normal but things like this happens.

If your son's are not happy when they are with their dad, they will soon decide not to go any longer and that will be for their dad to consider that maybe there are issues in the dynamics of his family that he needs to consider.

@BurntToastAgain

Look: you know who your ex is. This kind of shit is probably why he’s your ex. At least in part.

If they (appear to) have a close family unit, how much of that do you think is his doing (from his man cave)? And how much is due to how much effort his fiancée puts in to doing family?

You say that he leaves parenting your children up to her. And that they don’t like her or want to see her as family. Yet, she is trying to do things as a family with them.

So who is to blame for your DC not feeling part of that family unit?

Honestly, the best way to help your DC here is to really think about the extent to which every single one of you - you, him, your DC - are scapegoating her rather than addressing the actual issue. He just isn’t a very good father. He leaves it all to the nearest woman. He’s not building a relationship with his children. Their SM cannot make them feel part of the family no matter how hard she tries, because she’s always already positioned as an outsider.

You have a problem with your ex. That’s the long and the short of it.

Oh I totally agree...when I say the "parenting" is done by her...I mean in terms of getting them to help out with chores.

I know my issue is my ex...my issue here was HE couldn't stand up for what they wanted.

SM has made it clear that their son is more important than our DC on a number of occasions. One instance, my DD went to the park with SM and brother...someone said to SM "your daughter is beautiful" she replied with "she's not my daughter" these things hurt my children.

I've called out exDH on his lack of involvement in school, health, well being but he's an obstinate ass. Thinks if he pats CMS and turns up for contact he's a perfect dad. He takes no responsibility but I can't change that. I am allowed to be angry for my children though

I thought the usual statement was life shouldn’t be on hold if part of the blended family cannot make an event/outing?

OP as with many I don’t see a complaint with SM she isn’t a concern, but the affect of your ExH behaviour on your children is.

He won’t see them for 3 weeks while presumably due to events with SM & joint DC, but will let his DC with you (and joint) miss out so SM doesn’t?

He is a total arse and SM is a fool for marrying such a weak man who is happy to disappoint his DC due to an adult.

@vivainsomnia

You don't know the ins and outs. You start the thread to say that you accept teenagers will not always be totally truthful but then seem to take everything they say at face value.

Maybe she was very unwell and was scared to be left alone. Maybe she had a painful miscarriage and needed emotional support.

How old is their child? Maybe she was too poorly to look after him but taking him would have significantly restricted what they could do.

Of course you are going to be disappointed for them, that's normal but things like this happens.

If your son's are not happy when they are with their dad, they will soon decide not to go any longer and that will be for their dad to consider that maybe there are issues in the dynamics of his family that he needs to consider.

Yes all this but OP is spinning it to suit her narrative.

It sounds like your ex’s wife to be gets ditched with the bulk of domestic work at their house, including the parenting your ex should be doing (and then to top it off that gets framed as her being some kind of authoritarian figure). I think it’s only right she should be included in expensive weekend family days out, including rearranging if possible and required so that she can be included, and doesn’t get left at home on her own like Cinderella (while also poorly); that’s not an example I’d want teenage kids to see about women’s role in families. I’m not a step mum, but if we’d arranged a nice family day out with me, DH and kids and I was ill I’d want it rearranged if possible too, I am a key member of said family! He was neither proposing to cancel contact nor cancel the day out altogether, just to do something else nice that day and postpone trampolining to when they could all go; I really don’t think this was something that justified your intervention.

@girlmom21

Your OP said This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM. now you're trying to tell us you're mad at him?

Maybe she rules the roost because he's an absolute bum who can't think for himself?

The fact you 'went off on one' at him is unreasonable and irrational. If you feel that strongly about it you can take them trampolining rather than trying to cause problems in someone else's relationship.

It wasn't irrational...it was the straw that broke the camels back. We all have a breaking point.

I couldn't give a hoot about their relationship...only when it effects my children. My son couldn't sleep before contact weekend because he didn't want to go as his SM does nothing but shout and argue with everyone. She has done things that have hurt and upset my children...am I not entitled to raise that?

For information, my DC do not know that I had any issue with their dad...as far as they're concerned we get along great. I encourage them to focus on the things SM do for them and appreciate that.

This vent was simply my frustration...at both of them.

My son couldn't sleep before contact weekend because he didn't want to go as his SM does nothing but shout and argue with everyone. She has done things that have hurt and upset my children...am I not entitled to raise that?

Then you need to resolve this. Not kick off when trampolining is cancelled.

You can't hold in all of this crap and kick off about something minor. It makes you look petty. If there are real, genuine issues you need to sort them with your ex, not kick off about irrelevant things.

My son couldn't sleep before contact weekend because he didn't want to go as his SM does nothing but shout and argue with everyone.

Surely this plus the no contact for three weeks because of the wedding (wtf) are the issues to focus on if you’re going to take your ex to task about anything to do with their house?

Well of course her child is going to be more important to her than yours.
And she isn't your dd isn't her daughter...perhaps she thought you or she would kick off if she didn't clarify that she isn't the mum?

I swear I've read threads on here where someone has kicked off because someone has complimented a child to a step parent and they haven't stepped in to correct them

SM has made it clear that their son is more important than our DC on a number of occasions. One instance, my DD went to the park with SM and brother...someone said to SM "your daughter is beautiful" she replied with "she's not my daughter" these things hurt my children.

This isn't a comment on who is more important, though. I can see why this would be upsetting if she cackled and scoffed at the suggestion as if it were disgusting to her, but otherwise it's just factual, and may even have been done because she thought they'd prefer it.

There's a definite pattern of your ex being a lazy parent and delegating it all to her here, which makes it hard to believe this wasn't mainly instigated by him. Yet you are choosing to focus on her, when she already does too much for your kids by the sounds of it.

@vivainsomnia

You don't know the ins and outs. You start the thread to say that you accept teenagers will not always be totally truthful but then seem to take everything they say at face value.

Maybe she was very unwell and was scared to be left alone. Maybe she had a painful miscarriage and needed emotional support.

How old is their child? Maybe she was too poorly to look after him but taking him would have significantly restricted what they could do.

Of course you are going to be disappointed for them, that's normal but things like this happens.

If your son's are not happy when they are with their dad, they will soon decide not to go any longer and that will be for their dad to consider that maybe there are issues in the dynamics of his family that he needs to consider.

I do know the ins and outs...she has a cold. ExDH has had the snip so definitely not a miscarriage.

I dont take what my DC say at face value. We have an older DC who is 21 and very level headed who has commented, off her own back, on how SM differentiates between our DC and theirs

@aSofaNearYou

SM has made it clear that their son is more important than our DC on a number of occasions. One instance, my DD went to the park with SM and brother...someone said to SM "your daughter is beautiful" she replied with "she's not my daughter" these things hurt my children.

This isn't a comment on who is more important, though. I can see why this would be upsetting if she cackled and scoffed at the suggestion as if it were disgusting to her, but otherwise it's just factual, and may even have been done because she thought they'd prefer it.

There's a definite pattern of your ex being a lazy parent and delegating it all to her here, which makes it hard to believe this wasn't mainly instigated by him. Yet you are choosing to focus on her, when she already does too much for your kids by the sounds of it.

Seems that me and SM have different ideas on what being a step parent means.

I am allowed my opinion, no matter what mumsnet says

It's normal for her to differentiate between her children and them OP. They shouldn't feel the pinch of that because they should be feeling like dad is "the parent" when they are there. Unless you can give examples of this being done in a cruel manner, this will always appear reasonable.

Reading between the lines, the shouting etc from SM sounds like it is coming from resentment towards DH for leaving her to do everything when it should be him.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Well of course her child is going to be more important to her than yours. And she isn't your dd isn't her daughter...perhaps she thought you or she would kick off if she didn't clarify that she isn't the mum?

I swear I've read threads on here where someone has kicked off because someone has complimented a child to a step parent and they haven't stepped in to correct them

The comment wouldn't have been raised with me if she'd simply smiled and said yeah she is. It was raised because myDD was upset.

I have a DSD...I have been in that exact situation. It could of been handled better

*Seems that me and SM have different ideas on what being a step parent means.

I am allowed my opinion, no matter what mumsnet says*

What do you think it means, then? Your close to losing any sympathy you might have otherwise gained if you're about to try and claim, on the SP forum, that she's being unreasonable because she doesn't see your kids as her own and want to take on the resulting work.

Reading between the lines, the shouting etc from SM sounds like it is coming from resentment towards DH for leaving her to do everything when it should be him.

Probably, but that’s the DH/SM fault for having a dysfunctional home life and the DH fault for. It protecting his DC.

These problems shouldn’t be inflicted on the DC as it’s not their fault that they are SC and they are children.

OP - I’m wondering if you need to have a chat with your DC to give them space to discuss their feelings. You don’t need to slag off Dad but they might need some help to understand why he doesn’t seem to give a shit about their feelings or well being. Esp as this is probably damaging their self-esteem (don’t feel good enough/are not worthy in their own right).

Maybe it’s time for the contact to adjust if THEY want too.

Some DC feel bad or unable to request this but if contact is having a detrimental affect on their well being then it needs to be addressed and they will probably need help in discussing this with Dad.