AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

Why did you go off on one. What he does is up to him. He shouldn't have even bothered telling you. If it was the other way round and they all went on the fun day out with out your kid then people on here would be up in arms.

@MooSakah

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

Why did you go off on one. What he does is up to him. He shouldn't have even bothered telling you. If it was the other way round and they all went on the fun day out with out your kid then people on here would be up in arms.

Because he let down his children....they were disappointed and upset they couldn't go do something fun...just because SM said so. I've let many things slide as its their home/family they can run it as they like. I wasn't letting this slide as I had to answer their questions as to why they couldn't go. I had to deal with the upset caused by their dad.

Why are you angry at her?

He is their father and he is making his choices.

If you don’t like the family day being rescheduled then be annoyed at him

Possibly it had something to do with their DC and a family day including mum as well as dad - and probably finances in not being able to afford to do two big things like that. So they were waiting till everyone was available.

On other threads we are told that waiting until everyone is there to do treats is totally understandable. Yet you are annoyed that the SM is included in the everyone.

Tell them to ask their dad. And they are a family so they wanted to do the fun family thing as a family. I really don't see a problem as long as dad is still seeing his kids and not using it as an excuse to ditch them. He can arrange something else for them to do and then they can do the special family day as a whole family.

You're not BU - it sounds like a lot of control and insecurity on her part and very flakey parenting by your ex.

That being said, i wouldn't have gone off on him - I would have just spoken it through with my DC. They're old enough to see what's going on.

On other threads we are told that waiting until everyone is there to do treats is totally understandable. Yet you are annoyed that the SM is included in the everyone. exactly it's like the SM doesn't count as part of the family.

Really?

As for the pp saying 'treats' should be done as a whole family - it's only trampolining!

I really dislike this belief that when two people 'merge' the kids have to too and create this fantastic, happy unit. Its ridiculous and its healthy that parents do things independently with their own DC.

As a SM yourself, you might also want to reconsider the extent to which you consider yourself in charge of their family life with your children. You aren’t ‘letting it slide’. It’s not up to you. You know that.

Your children are old enough to understand that their SM is ill so the trip is being rescheduled for when they can all go - on a contact day. They’re not missing out. It’s being rescheduled for everyone in the household.

I think I would have just left it and said for the DC to ask their dad as it isn't anything to do with you. I understand it is frustrating, I also have an ex who seems incapable of doing anything with or for his children unless his wife and her DC are available too but it isn't something you can change so don't waste your energy on it.

@MorningNinja

As for the pp saying 'treats' should be done as a whole family - it's only trampolining!

I really dislike this belief that when two people 'merge' the kids have to too and create this fantastic, happy unit. Its ridiculous and its healthy that parents do things independently with their own DC.

Presumably this was a treat to them - trampolining is not necessarily cheap and you have no idea of their budget. Especially given the way the OP is going on about it.

And they have a DC together. So they are a family and presumably organised this treat for when all the children were there.

Or do the RC and SM not really count as part of the family.

The father here said he’d take the OP’s kids to McDonald’s. So he was still planning to do something with his kids. And felt he had to justify it to her too.

You might not consider that a treat either. But other people will. Multimillionaires might consider flying first class on a scheduled flight rather than a private jet slumming it. But most people would see that as a huge treat. Lots of families have to budget to go to trampoline parks and see going to Mac Donald’s as a treat for kids.

As for the pp saying 'treats' should be done as a whole family - it's only trampolining! we don't all have shit loads of cash so trampolining for me would be a big day out.

If it was mum and dad together and mum was ill dad might say oh we will have to do it next weekend or whatever so we can all go together. In this instance maybe dad feels he can't manage to supervise all the kids with out SM.

I agree they don't have to all do everything together but if this is a planed family day out I don't see the harm in them waiting until they are all better. They wouldn't go without one of the kids presumably.

OP you need to rethink your influence to be honest "I wasn't letting this slide". You're not in charge of how dad organises his contact time.

The father here said he’d take the OP’s kids to McDonald’s. So he was still planning to do something with his kids. And felt he had to justify it to her too. I agree it's not like he said oh right I'm not going to do anything with them.

Also rather than assume its SM saying they can't go without her maybe it is dad thinking he can't manage a day trip without her. In which case maybe be more grateful for her presence in your children's life. It sounds like they are a nice close family unit.

Wow...first time I've posted here and knew I was possibly opening a can of worms.

I wasn't mad at her...I was mad at HIM. I did direct my children to ask their dad why plans had changed.

He only decided to take them to mcdonalds after i decided (yes I decided...it was my weekend with them) that I wasn't staying home all day so he could pop down and see them for 10 minutes in the garden. This was his initial suggestion after cancelling their day out.

He has no backbone and never stands up for his children. My DD13 wants to stop going as he disappears to his man cave on their contact time and parenting is left to SM...whom my DD doesn't necessarily get on with.

I most certainly do not control what happens on his time. In fact I'm very hands off and I try advocate for them to improve their relationship with their dad and SM. He's very much a surface parenting type and I'm sick of his attitude

There is a definite irony between the outrage at this, compared to the amount of people that try and claim it is perfectly normal to only ever do fun things when the SC are available when the shoe is on the other foot. But I appreciate that might not be a hypocrisy you show, OP.

If it is purely about the SM wanting to be there then yes, that is a bit strange. But then again, as others have said, it might have been that they could only afford to do this once, her DC was going, and she wanted to be there. Or it could be that your ex would not take their DS off her hands if he was looking after your two, and she wasn't willing to be left with him whilst ill. There are lots of explanations that are more reasonable than what you're assuming.

Did this happen while they were at their dad's, or was he due to pick them up from you and cancelled? That makes a big difference to whether it is reasonable for you to be pissed off or not.

@MooSakah

Also rather than assume its SM saying they can't go without her maybe it is dad thinking he can't manage a day trip without her. In which case maybe be more grateful for her presence in your children's life. It sounds like they are a nice close family unit.

SM, exDH and their DS are a close family unit. Our DC definitely don't feel part of that. I know this because we are a very open family who discuss struggles. I have, on numerous occasions, encouraged my DC to see their point if view, actively given my DC tools and tips to try and improve their relationship with their dad and SM.

Perhaps he doesn't feel like he could adequately supervise 3 kids on his own at a trampoline park?

Your two are nearly/just teens so they'll be wanting to go off and try the bigger equipment etc. The other child you haven't given an age for so if they are much younger, they'll need more 1on1 supervision which means he'd be ignoring the older two.

Your OP starts with: This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

So your responses reflect that.

Your ex is what he is. He sounds like a shit father who leaves it all to his fiancée. I’m which case, of course things revolve around her plans and availability. She’s the one making them.

Without her, they probably wouldn’t be getting trips to trampoline parks at all. And she’s been nice enough to reschedule for when they will be able to come. Presumably making her child wait longer.

He has no backbone and never stands up for his children. My DD13 wants to stop going as he disappears to his man cave on their contact time and parenting is left to SM...whom my DD doesn't necessarily get on with

Sounds very likely that he was the one that didn't want to take them without her help, then.

You have a right to be pissed off with your ex for arranging to take them out and then cancelling. But you said this was a rant about the SM. Why?

It literally has nothing to do with you what happens in their house or where he takes his kids. It wasn't even his contact time so you should have said he can take them out on his contact time not yours in the first place if you are that precious about what they do and when.

SM, exDH and their DS are a close family unit. Our DC definitely don't feel part of that then it's even more important they do family outings as a family

@aSofaNearYou

There is a definite irony between the outrage at this, compared to the amount of people that try and claim it is perfectly normal to only ever do fun things when the SC are available when the shoe is on the other foot. But I appreciate that might not be a hypocrisy you show, OP.

If it is purely about the SM wanting to be there then yes, that is a bit strange. But then again, as others have said, it might have been that they could only afford to do this once, her DC was going, and she wanted to be there. Or it could be that your ex would not take their DS off her hands if he was looking after your two, and she wasn't willing to be left with him whilst ill. There are lots of explanations that are more reasonable than what you're assuming.

Did this happen while they were at their dad's, or was he due to pick them up from you and cancelled? That makes a big difference to whether it is reasonable for you to be pissed off or not.

It was my weekend with our DC, we had arranged this to take place on my time as he wouldn't be seeing them for 3 weeks.

@Candyfloss99

It literally has nothing to do with you what happens in their house or where he takes his kids. It wasn't even his contact time so you should have said he can take them out on his contact time not yours in the first place if you are that precious about what they do and when.

Seriously...I already said he wasn't seeing them for 3 weeks due to wedding plans. So it's better I just deny my DC contact with their dad?? Very mature

He is delegating the parenting to his ex wifevand wife to be when the children vote with there feet it won't be your fault it will be his

Disengage stop rearranging schedule to suit him he reaps what he sows on this one