AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

What did you expect her to say when someone commented on your DD being her daughter when she’s not? Whatever answer she gave she was always going to give the “wrong” answer.

This is probably one if the worst boards to post on
Op you are allowed to disagree with others on here only your actually know the full story
And no full grown adult should cancel a day out because they can't go if kids are looking forward to it and then they aren't going to see them for 3 weeks
Im also a great believer in kids having time with just the parent and not always the step parent or partner there, kids don't choose to become a blended family adults do
Even in non step parent families time with one parent can be nice you don't have to all do everything together
Your ex dh let your kids down which is why your frustrated
Let your dd cut contact down if that is what she really wants and will make her happy as she is old enough to decide and no court orders
Its little things like this that make kids feel that way
The saying not my daughter I don't think issue although there would of been better ways of handling it , such as she takes after her dad and laugh but she wAs put on the spot so that i would let slide

@BurntToastAgain

You now seem to have moved on to attacking my children. I can assure you my children are very respectful and they do as they are asked....they know how to behave. I emphasise to them they should respect their SM and appreciate what she does for them. I am, however, their safe space and when upset will come to me for advice. I don't blindly agree with them and would never ever encourage them to act disrespectfully to anyone.

And you think you aren’t weirdly defensive?

I’m not ‘attacking’ your children. 🙄 I’m sure they are perfectly nice teenagers.

But…

1. You have no idea what they are like when they are at their dad’s. No idea at all how they treat their stepmother.

1. Given the situation they are in, it’s not surprising if they aren’t being all that nice to their SM.

They go to their dad’s (reluctantly) and he ignores them. He leaves his fiancée to do all the crap bits. To get them to do chores.

They’re teenagers. Being stroppy and resentful about chores is fairly standard. Even more so if the person asking you to do them is not your parent and you feel resentful that your parent is ignoring you.

Also, being unhappy teenagers, it’s likely that this is coming through in their behaviour towards her. She is a much ‘safer’ (psychologically) target for the resentment and unhappiness than their father. Of course she is. So obviously they are going to decide she is the problem.

She’s the one asking them to do things they don’t want to do and then having to nag them. But she’s not their mother (or their father). She’s just some interloper who can be blamed and disliked.

1. If you must have a villain… it’s the man in the man cave leaving it all to his fiancée and ignoring his children. He’s driving the dynamic.

Again, you are making a lot of assumptions here.

I do know how my children behave whilst at their dads as any little behaviour put of turn is reported to me by him. These are few and far between. I know my children, they're more likely to be stroppy and disrespectful when I ask them to do something as they know no matter what I live them, it's safe to act out with me. They do not feel they can say anything out of turn to SM and I know this for a fact.

No wonder the SM is ill….

This was clearly a big deal

Divorced parents getting together
Pre the marriage of one

Of course would be cancelled

My daughter is entitled to feel any way she likes. Do you realise how damaging it is to invalidate your children's feelings. I did encourage her to see it from a different perspective. Again, as a mum it's my job to help her rationalise. It does not mean she, as a child, was unreasonable to feel hurt at a public snub from the woman who's been in her life since she was 3

Oh I give up.

I would have been really quite sympathetic towards you.

But actually I really feel for this SM. She got a lazy, useless fiancé (and they have a child). She’s got to try to make this work because, frankly, she knows what he’s like as a NRP.

The SC dislike her. Even more so as she’s stuck in all the ‘bad guy’ roles while their dad avoids everything and does what he likes.

She will never be in the right from your perspective. You do realise that, from the evidence here, you are one of those exes. And, as I’m sure is often the case, they are totally well meaning and focusing on the DC. But they’re absolutely determined to see the SM as the problem. And any admission that actually it’s the father becomes a ‘yes, but…’ and straight back to the SM.

There’s a difference between validating a child’s feelings and taking the explanation at face value. When she was a toddler and crying about her sandwich having been cut up, you could still a knowledge she was upset without viewing them sandwich as an actual problem.

@funinthesun19

No wonder the SM is ill….

Yeah...a cold...in winter...thats obviously my DC fault 🙄

@funinthesun19

Maybe SM wanted to go because of their joint DC and she wants to be a part of the fun? Is that so bad?

Is it fair for the DC (all of them) to miss out and the DSC to not see dad for 3 weeks as dad cancelled due to SM being ill?

Doesn’t seem fair to me.

I do know how my children behave whilst at their dads as any little behaviour put of turn is reported to me by him. These are few and far between. I know my children, they're more likely to be stroppy and disrespectful when I ask them to do something as they know no matter what I live them, it's safe to act out with me. They do not feel they can say anything out of turn to SM and I know this for a fact.

I say this with all the kindness in the world but really you do not know this for a fact. I'm sure you know your children better than anyone, better than they know themselves. But it's simply impossible for you to know exactly how they behave towards their stepmother, and in what ways they may contribute to the situation. I really hope you can acknowledge that.

That being said I stand firm that it's your SO's problem, he is letting them down and underperforming in his role as a parent. Your SM could be an evil bitch but it really sounds like she's a 'victim' in this just as much as your children are.

Some of you on here really don't see how you actually attack others and are quite harsh
Your all saying about step mother getting raw deal and bad finacee etc well she can also make a decision and step back and tell him to parent of its all bad

3. If you must have a villain… it’s the man in the man cave leaving it all to his fiancée and ignoring his children. He’s driving the dynamic.

It must feel better to direct anger at the stepmum.
I’m still wondering if he’s the type of man who won’t do anything with the kids without someone holding his hand, hence rescheduling until SM is better.

But I am also wondering if SM wants to be part of the fun with her DC. That I can understand and it’s got nothing to do with anyone else in that case.

They'd arranged a day out for all of them. Reasonably expensive. Your DC, their DS, and them.

Something that all the children would be looking forward too, and both adults want to be part of.

She's sick and can't go, so she will miss out on going with her DS. So the activity has been rescheduled to when all the children and parents can go. Not cancelled. Rescheduled. Your DC are still going. Just not today, because everybody can't. And this isn't just about them. Her child isn't going today either.

Dad then says, I'll take them somewhere else, on my own. So he doesn't miss out on seeing them.

And you're "ranting" about the SM.

Okkkk......

Yeah...a cold...in winter...thats obviously my DC fault 🙄

Who said anything about your DC?

I do know how my children behave whilst at their dads as any little behaviour put of turn is reported to me by him.

Except he’s in the man cave… so what does he know?

And he’s not a neutral party in any of this either. Is he?

He’s absolutely benefitting from everyone blaming the SM rather than looking at his failings.

He’s only telling you the things that benefit or matter to him. Maybe he doesn’t care if they’re stroppy or rude to his fiancé while he’s doing his own thing. Maybe he doesn’t even see it.

It would be helpful to you if you admitted to yourself that you have absolute no neutral perspective on what goes on in your ex’s house. And that you are letting yourself become a key cog driving the whole dynamic.

OP I think you need to take a massive step back. Your children are old enough to advocate for themselves now. You say they don't know you have an issue with her but, trust me, they do.

If they complain to you about her, tell them they need to discuss it with dad.
If he complains to you about their behaviour, tell him to grow up and be a parent.

It'll save you a lot of mental energy.

Honestly OP, this has got to be one of the most defensive threads I've read. Nobody is attacking your children. If she feels upset she feels upset BUT objectively that does not explain why YOU as the adult see it as a snub that she did not pretend to be you, her mum, or why your instinct is to blame her for your ex's failings.

@worriedatthemoment

Some of you on here really don't see how you actually attack others and are quite harsh Your all saying about step mother getting raw deal and bad finacee etc well she can also make a decision and step back and tell him to parent of its all bad

I'd agree...some may say "obviously"

I certainly will not vent on here ever again. What a toxic bunch some of you are. To blame children for an adults actions.

I get it...its my exDH doing...I agree but as an adult SM must be held accountable for her own actions. I certainly hold myself accountable as a SM.

Now you can all rest in knowing you've made an already worried/stressed mum slightly more worried/stressed.

Is it fair for the DC (all of them) to miss out and the DSC to not see dad for 3 weeks as dad cancelled due to SM being ill?

I’ve got a feeling other families have put fun trips out on hold, especially in the current climate.

BUT it might not be that. It might just be that the dad can’t be arsed going out on his own. OP still hasn’t addressed that point yet.

@aSofaNearYou

Honestly OP, this has got to be one of the most defensive threads I've read. Nobody is attacking your children. If she feels upset she feels upset BUT objectively that does not explain why YOU as the adult see it as a snub that she did not pretend to be you, her mum, or why your instinct is to blame her for your ex's failings.

My daughter seen it as a snub.

If you attack someone, they get defensive...pretty sure that's human nature. If you offer sound advice, in a reasonable fashion its usually accepted.

Most replies have blindly defended SM with no ability to see it from a different perspective.

If you read the replies...people have assumed things about my children..and not accepted my point in that I know them. Thats a blatant attack on children...who, at the end of the day, should be the focus here.

@funinthesun19 do you think it would be acceptable for cancellation for all if one of SC were ill?

I agree it could be dad might not be arsed but it would still be his fault for being a shit dad and husband for blaming SM for his failings.

@funinthesun19

Is it fair for the DC (all of them) to miss out and the DSC to not see dad for 3 weeks as dad cancelled due to SM being ill?

I’ve got a feeling other families have put fun trips out on hold, especially in the current climate.

BUT it might not be that. It might just be that the dad can’t be arsed going out on his own. OP still hasn’t addressed that point yet.

My exDH words were as SM is ill we can't go. He told the DC she didn't want them to go without her.

I certainly will not vent on here ever again. What a toxic bunch some of you are. To blame children for an adults actions.

No one has.

You sound like beyond hard work. You just don't like the numerous posters who can see this and are pointing it out. So now you're flouncing.

Leave your obsession with hating this woman behind. Your judgment is so badly clouded and you refuse to acknowledge it. Then name call that people are toxic.

The adult causing problems isn't the SM...

*My daughter seen it as a snub.

If you attack someone, they get defensive...pretty sure that's human nature. If you offer sound advice, in a reasonable fashion its usually accepted.

Most replies have blindly defended SM with no ability to see it from a different perspective.

If you read the replies...people have assumed things about my children..and not accepted my point in that I know them. Thats a blatant attack on children...who, at the end of the day, should be the focus here.*

FGS OP, you cannot just claim anyone that disagrees with you hasn't considered a different perspective or is attacking you.

Does your daughter see her SM as her mother? No, then she was unreasonable to see it as a snub. Now she's a kid, that's understandable. But you're not, so why do you agree with her?

I asked you lots of times if you could describe anything the SM has done that is genuinely problematic. You couldn't. So no, not blindly defending her. Defending her based on the evidence you have provided. You literally blamed her for something that is your ex's fault in your OP.

And for Christ's sake nobody has attacked your children. They have said that you can't really know if they behave well or not. They haven't said they are definitely badly behaved.

People don't only get defensive when they are being attacked. The reason they fit the description of defensive is because they assume they are being attacked when they are not. Which is what is going on here.

Re the beautiful comment, I’ve been in that situation and responded along the lines of ‘oh no, I’m not mum but yes I agree’.

Ie centering myself (I’m not mum) and not othering the child (she’s not mine).

But I do see both sides and imagine SM would have been mortified to have unwittingly upset DSD.

OP I was honestly on your side with this and could definitely see your perspective. But you're giving us the classic 'my kids are infallible' and refusing to admit that there are things you simply do not know anything about. People aren't toxic for offering you the perspective that YOU asked for.

I get it, honestly I do. I struggle sometimes to think reasonably and logically when my stepkid's mother is involved. But you owe it to yourself and your children to be better.