AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

@girlmom21

My son couldn't sleep before contact weekend because he didn't want to go as his SM does nothing but shout and argue with everyone. She has done things that have hurt and upset my children...am I not entitled to raise that?

Then you need to resolve this. Not kick off when trampolining is cancelled.

You can't hold in all of this crap and kick off about something minor. It makes you look petty. If there are real, genuine issues you need to sort them with your ex, not kick off about irrelevant things.

The issue of my son not wanting to go to his dad's as a result of SM shouting was raised with my exDH. I don't hold things in if I have a genuine concern.

The issue with the day out pissed me off...was I unreasonable? According the the absolute attack here...it appears so.

I've learned my lesson in venting here...as that's all it was.

@bananablue

OP - I’m wondering if you need to have a chat with your DC to give them space to discuss their feelings. You don’t need to slag off Dad but they might need some help to understand why he doesn’t seem to give a shit about their feelings or well being. Esp as this is probably damaging their self-esteem (don’t feel good enough/are not worthy in their own right).

I have, over the last few weeks, had such a conversation with my DC. My DD has expressed she'd like to cut down her contact. They've both said our house feels like home and his is somewhere they visit. I've encouraged them to speak to their dad about this to give him an opportunity to reassure them and maybe improve the relationship. They've asked that I sit down with them and their dad to discuss it. I have never, nor would I ever, talk badly of their dad or SM to them.

OP you keep listing things that on the face of it are not evidence of the SM doing anything wrong, such as not calling her SC her own, as though they are proof they are. Can you provide any more specific evidence of things she is doing that are actually unreasonable, or is this purely based on the assumption that SMs should view their SC as their own and therefore be happy to do all the work for them?

The responses you've received are not surprising given the evidence you've actually provided. This is the step parenting board, not the lone parenting board where having a pop at step parents that don't revolve their lives around their partner's kids might be common and acceptable.

Good luck OP.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, it sounds like this is a clear cut example of him not prioritising his DC esp as he is happy to not see them for 3 weeks.

IMO I full blame is on dad and what he exposes DC to, eg he is exposing them to being shouted at by SM because THEY are HIS responsibility.

As a SM yourself I’m sure you have insight and your DC probably see how it can be different through your actions.

You're not being attacked. You're focussing on the wrong issues. If you did confront him and have it out with him over her behaviour, maybe this trip was her attempt to make amends and they couldn't do it so wanted to hold off until she could.

@aSofaNearYou

OP you keep listing things that on the face of it are not evidence of the SM doing anything wrong, such as not calling her SC her own, as though they are proof they are. Can you provide any more specific evidence of things she is doing that are actually unreasonable, or is this purely based on the assumption that SMs should view their SC as their own and therefore be happy to do all the work for them?

The responses you've received are not surprising given the evidence you've actually provided. This is the step parenting board, not the lone parenting board where having a pop at step parents that don't revolve their lives around their partner's kids might be common and acceptable.

For clarification, i am not a lone parent. I have a DH and 2 DSC.

I dont feel the need to provide "evidence" to strangers online...I was having a rant. Do you people understand how that operates?

*For clarification, i am not a lone parent. I have a DH and 2 DSC.

I dont feel the need to provide "evidence" to strangers online...I was having a rant. Do you people understand how that operates?*

Yes, but this is the step parenting board. You are having a rant about your kids SM when all the things you have said point to your ex being the problem. Without saying something that makes blaming the SM reasonable, can you not see how that is ill judged and tone deaf on this particular board?

@BananaBlue

Good luck OP.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, it sounds like this is a clear cut example of him not prioritising his DC esp as he is happy to not see them for 3 weeks.

IMO I full blame is on dad and what he exposes DC to, eg he is exposing them to being shouted at by SM because THEY are HIS responsibility.

As a SM yourself I’m sure you have insight and your DC probably see how it can be different through your actions.

Thank you

It is most definitely his responsibility..maybe I was wrong to open my post with a rant about SM. Most of my DC issues with dad revolve around her...but I get he is the parent.

Tbf you have no interest in hearing from people, you just want blind agreement.
Many people on here are also step parents or have kids with step parents. Your situation isn't unique and you don't know best. Perhaps listen to those who've been there, done that and made the same mistakes. Or don't, but it's your kids who will ultimately suffer.

I also struggle to understand why people get defensive and claim they don't feel they need to provide evidence for strangers when they asked if they were being unreasonable. You specifically sought out the opinions of strangers, of course they are going to ask more questions. Playing the "why would I feel the need to explain myself to a stranger" card in that situation is essentially the equivalent of when blokes ask a woman out and then insult her when she says no and say they never fancied her anyway.

I completely understand where you coming from; others seem incapable!!
It's frustrating when your children are looking forward to something that is now cancelled because SM is poorly. From what your saying he clearly didn't have the intention to do anything with them until you kicked up a fuss. He was happy to let his children down. Contact time is for the father to see his kids, it's not for them to only spend time together as a "family" unit. He is capable of doing things with them aside from his other child and wife to be. It's a bit sad if they have no one on one time with their dad as I imagine they do things as a "family" when it's not his contact days. Just another rubbish dad not in control or cba.

@mummytotwoboys0600

I completely understand where you coming from; others seem incapable!! It's frustrating when your children are looking forward to something that is now cancelled because SM is poorly. From what your saying he clearly didn't have the intention to do anything with them until you kicked up a fuss. He was happy to let his children down. Contact time is for the father to see his kids, it's not for them to only spend time together as a "family" unit. He is capable of doing things with them aside from his other child and wife to be. It's a bit sad if they have no one on one time with their dad as I imagine they do things as a "family" when it's not his contact days. Just another rubbish dad not in control or cba.

No, we all agree with that, you're saying the same thing as everyone else. We just don't agree with blaming the SM for it.

This thread is honestly so interesting for me to read, as a stepmother. If I was in this situation, I don't really know what I or my SO would do. I think my SO would prefer to cancel because he'd feel he's abandoning me. And probably because he'd be too exhausted to do trampolining on his own with three kids. And maybe I'd prefer him to take the kids away while I'm ill in bed, or perhaps I'd want him to stay and take care of me depending on how ill I feel. The money part of it wouldn't necessarily apply to me but it's a good point too.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that it's interesting to hear this from a BM perspective. I think sometimes ours reacts irrationally at certain decisions we make, and I do with her, but posts like this just make me realise how little you really know about each other and their households, or reasonings or opinions or convictions.

I agree with the other posters that this is an SO issue and sympathise with your children's SM as it sounds exhausting having to deal with a man like that (you would know!) But I also totally see why you would feel this way.

It's just so easy to jump to conclusions when you don't really know anything, especially when kids are involved. Sorry I haven't got anything more helpful to offer here.

SM has made it clear that their son is more important than our DC on a number of occasions. One instance, my DD went to the park with SM and brother...someone said to SM "your daughter is beautiful" she replied with "she's not my daughter" these things hurt my children.

Of course her own son is more important to her and its awkward sometimes to know how to react when someone assumes a dsc is yours.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Tbf you have no interest in hearing from people, you just want blind agreement. Many people on here are also step parents or have kids with step parents. Your situation isn't unique and you don't know best. Perhaps listen to those who've been there, done that and made the same mistakes. Or don't, but it's your kids who will ultimately suffer.

I wasnt looking for blind agreement, most of what has been said hasn't been constructive, apart from a few responses.

Clearly there are SM here who have a real issue with BM and can't see past that.

My feelings are valid, my DC feelings are valid and when they are upset or hurt I will advocate for them. Just as I do my own DSC. My DSD lives with us as she and BM don't get on...I actively encourage their relationship because I love her and want the best for her. When you take on another's DC you do what's best for them. That's how my family operates.

Maybe SM wanted to go because of their joint DC and she wants to be a part of the fun? Is that so bad?

*I wasnt looking for blind agreement, most of what has been said hasn't been constructive, apart from a few responses.

Clearly there are SM here who have a real issue with BM and can't see past that.*

Everyone has been constructive. Not agreeing with you does not = not constructive. You are simply being defensive.

One instance, my DD went to the park with SM and brother...someone said to SM "your daughter is beautiful" she replied with "she's not my daughter" these things hurt my children.

That’s a no win situation as stepmum and you know it.

I’d never have claimed that my SD was my daughter. She wouldn’t have wanted me to. And she isn’t my daughter. That’s just a fact.

I couldn't give a hoot about their relationship...only when it effects my children. My son couldn't sleep before contact weekend because he didn't want to go as his SM does nothing but shout and argue with everyone. She has done things that have hurt and upset my children...am I not entitled to raise that?

Given the above example… maybe it’s impossible for her not to upset your children.

She’s in a situation where she’s being left to do all the crap bits and make sure her SC do chores etc. They don’t like her (partly because of the role she’s been given, and the way in which she’s positioned as the convenient scapegoat at all times). And you admit that you don’t necessarily believe that your children report things to you accurately.

It’s much easier for them to dislike her than to face up to the ways in which they felt down by their father. And much easier for everyone but the SM too. Maybe she is really stressed. Trying to do everything for SC who don’t like you, would rather be spending time with their dad, and resent you asking them to do things - and almost certainly making that clear in their behaviour towards you is horrible. It’s not nice when your own children are stroppy and resentful at being asked to contribute to the household; it can be a million times worse when it’s a stepchild.

I dont take what my DC say at face value. We have an older DC who is 21 and very level headed who has commented, off her own back, on how SM differentiates between our DC and theirs

This is no more a neutral party than the younger children are.

Most of my DC issues with dad revolve around her...but I get he is the parent.

That’s the advantage of a scapegoat. You can blame her rather than recognising it’s al just issues with their dad.

Have you actually thought that your gripe might be with your ex? Is he the type of man who won’t take the kids out on his own? My children’s father is very much like that.

@BurntToastAgain

One instance, my DD went to the park with SM and brother...someone said to SM "your daughter is beautiful" she replied with "she's not my daughter" these things hurt my children.

That’s a no win situation as stepmum and you know it.

I’d never have claimed that my SD was my daughter. She wouldn’t have wanted me to. And she isn’t my daughter. That’s just a fact.

I couldn't give a hoot about their relationship...only when it effects my children. My son couldn't sleep before contact weekend because he didn't want to go as his SM does nothing but shout and argue with everyone. She has done things that have hurt and upset my children...am I not entitled to raise that?

Given the above example… maybe it’s impossible for her not to upset your children.

She’s in a situation where she’s being left to do all the crap bits and make sure her SC do chores etc. They don’t like her (partly because of the role she’s been given, and the way in which she’s positioned as the convenient scapegoat at all times). And you admit that you don’t necessarily believe that your children report things to you accurately.

It’s much easier for them to dislike her than to face up to the ways in which they felt down by their father. And much easier for everyone but the SM too. Maybe she is really stressed. Trying to do everything for SC who don’t like you, would rather be spending time with their dad, and resent you asking them to do things - and almost certainly making that clear in their behaviour towards you is horrible. It’s not nice when your own children are stroppy and resentful at being asked to contribute to the household; it can be a million times worse when it’s a stepchild.

I dont take what my DC say at face value. We have an older DC who is 21 and very level headed who has commented, off her own back, on how SM differentiates between our DC and theirs

This is no more a neutral party than the younger children are.

Most of my DC issues with dad revolve around her...but I get he is the parent.

That’s the advantage of a scapegoat. You can blame her rather than recognising it’s al just issues with their dad.

You now seem to have moved on to attacking my children. I can assure you my children are very respectful and they do as they are asked....they know how to behave. I emphasise to them they should respect their SM and appreciate what she does for them. I am, however, their safe space and when upset will come to me for advice. I don't blindly agree with them and would never ever encourage them to act disrespectfully to anyone.

"Impossible not to upset them" again assuming and intimating my children are problematic. They, in fact, got on well with SM till their brother was born, then things changed. Its hard, in that situation, for them not to be upset...they are not unreasonable in feeling that way

*Clearly there are SM here who have a real issue with BM and can't see past that.

My feelings are valid, my DC feelings are valid and when they are upset or hurt I will advocate for them.*

This is 100% true but it's also important to acknowledge that often it's the other way around and this forum is really about offering a SM perspective.

When you're not actually with your child it's hard to know how something was phrased and if your child is misinterpreting or exaggerating. Saying something like 'she's not my daughter' could have been phrased 'oh she's my stepdaughter' or something a lot less offensive than how your child is phrasing it. Sometimes SMs get told off for NOT correcting strangers on this issue. Or maybe the SM really was rude about it, it's just impossible to say.

My feelings are valid, my DC feelings are valid and when they are upset or hurt I will advocate for them.

No one is saying your feelings aren’t valid. Or your children’s.

What people are saying is that you may be misattributing the cause of those feelings and scapegoating the SM.

That is very common. And it is totally understandable. The SM is an outsider to you, your DC and conveniently even to her own fiancé.

She can be held responsible for and blamed for all sorts of things. Anything she does or says can be interpreted as ‘hurtful’ or ‘unfair’.

Meanwhile, everyone is letting the man with parental responsibility off the hook.

For example… It’s NOT reasonable for your DD (who doesn’t even see herself as her SM’s daughter) to be hurt by her SM not pretending to be her mother. Can’t you see that? It’s just true.

She didn’t deny your daughter was beautiful. Just said she wasn’t her daughter (and therefore that beauty was not in any way her doing).

Be honest, how likely is it that your daughter would have been as it more annoyed if she had responded in a way that implied she was her mother?

Meanwhile, let’s think about what was really going on. The SM was taking all three children to the park. Where was their father? The man they were supposed to be having contact with.

No one was telling him that his daughter us beautiful. Because your daughter’s entire experience would have been different had someone complimented her father on her (and via her), wouldn’t it?

@QuirkyTurtle

This thread is honestly so interesting for me to read, as a stepmother. If I was in this situation, I don't really know what I or my SO would do. I think my SO would prefer to cancel because he'd feel he's abandoning me. And probably because he'd be too exhausted to do trampolining on his own with three kids. And maybe I'd prefer him to take the kids away while I'm ill in bed, or perhaps I'd want him to stay and take care of me depending on how ill I feel. The money part of it wouldn't necessarily apply to me but it's a good point too.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that it's interesting to hear this from a BM perspective. I think sometimes ours reacts irrationally at certain decisions we make, and I do with her, but posts like this just make me realise how little you really know about each other and their households, or reasonings or opinions or convictions.

I agree with the other posters that this is an SO issue and sympathise with your children's SM as it sounds exhausting having to deal with a man like that (you would know!) But I also totally see why you would feel this way.

It's just so easy to jump to conclusions when you don't really know anything, especially when kids are involved. Sorry I haven't got anything more helpful to offer here.

There are definitely 2 sides to every story, I totally accept that.

My DSC BM does things I wouldn't do...ive been attacked by her on numerous occasions, she's ran me down to the DSC. I've never got involved and allowed them to make up their own minds. My DSD now lives with us as a result of her mum.

You now seem to have moved on to attacking my children. I can assure you my children are very respectful and they do as they are asked....they know how to behave. I emphasise to them they should respect their SM and appreciate what she does for them. I am, however, their safe space and when upset will come to me for advice. I don't blindly agree with them and would never ever encourage them to act disrespectfully to anyone.

And you think you aren’t weirdly defensive?

I’m not ‘attacking’ your children. 🙄 I’m sure they are perfectly nice teenagers.

But…

1. You have no idea what they are like when they are at their dad’s. No idea at all how they treat their stepmother.

1. Given the situation they are in, it’s not surprising if they aren’t being all that nice to their SM.

They go to their dad’s (reluctantly) and he ignores them. He leaves his fiancée to do all the crap bits. To get them to do chores.

They’re teenagers. Being stroppy and resentful about chores is fairly standard. Even more so if the person asking you to do them is not your parent and you feel resentful that your parent is ignoring you.

Also, being unhappy teenagers, it’s likely that this is coming through in their behaviour towards her. She is a much ‘safer’ (psychologically) target for the resentment and unhappiness than their father. Of course she is. So obviously they are going to decide she is the problem.

She’s the one asking them to do things they don’t want to do and then having to nag them. But she’s not their mother (or their father). She’s just some interloper who can be blamed and disliked.

1. If you must have a villain… it’s the man in the man cave leaving it all to his fiancée and ignoring his children. He’s driving the dynamic.

@BurntToastAgain

My feelings are valid, my DC feelings are valid and when they are upset or hurt I will advocate for them.

No one is saying your feelings aren’t valid. Or your children’s.

What people are saying is that you may be misattributing the cause of those feelings and scapegoating the SM.

That is very common. And it is totally understandable. The SM is an outsider to you, your DC and conveniently even to her own fiancé.

She can be held responsible for and blamed for all sorts of things. Anything she does or says can be interpreted as ‘hurtful’ or ‘unfair’.

Meanwhile, everyone is letting the man with parental responsibility off the hook.

For example… It’s NOT reasonable for your DD (who doesn’t even see herself as her SM’s daughter) to be hurt by her SM not pretending to be her mother. Can’t you see that? It’s just true.

She didn’t deny your daughter was beautiful. Just said she wasn’t her daughter (and therefore that beauty was not in any way her doing).

Be honest, how likely is it that your daughter would have been as it more annoyed if she had responded in a way that implied she was her mother?

Meanwhile, let’s think about what was really going on. The SM was taking all three children to the park. Where was their father? The man they were supposed to be having contact with.

No one was telling him that his daughter us beautiful. Because your daughter’s entire experience would have been different had someone complimented her father on her (and via her), wouldn’t it?

I'm not scapegoating...im pretty sure I've said I understand he I'd the parent. I was venting at my frustrations.

When I raised it with DH I did not rant about SM I simply advocated for my children where they felt they couldn't. I am their mum...that is my job.

My daughter is entitled to feel any way she likes. Do you realise how damaging it is to invalidate your children's feelings. I did encourage her to see it from a different perspective. Again, as a mum it's my job to help her rationalise. It does not mean she, as a child, was unreasonable to feel hurt at a public snub from the woman who's been in her life since she was 3