AIBU?

[CherylPorter350]

Now I'll start this off with I am a SM and understand it can be trying at times. This...erm..rant is about my DC's SM.

Her and exDH are getting married in March...been together 8 years and they have one DS. My DC have made various comments that she runs the house and nothing is done without her approval or say so. Now my DC are 12 and 13 and I take everything they say with a pinch of salt...theyre teens...need I say more.

But...due to their wedding stuff...ive helped out in rearranging schedules so essentially kids won't see their dad for 3 weeks. He'd arranged to take them out Sunday but SM took ill. He then cancelled their day out as if SM couldn't go none of them could...as it was a family day. They had booked a trampoline park and a meal out.

I went off on one and asked him why the DC should miss out...he said he'd take them to mcdonalds but the "fun" day out had to be rescheduled till they could all go.

This isn't the first time he's been unable to do something due to SM plans...but it is the first time my DC were really hurt by it.

AIBU for being pissed off?

Surely a grown ass woman would not want to stop kids having fun with their dad just because she can't go??

As a SM and mum...I just can't imagine stopping any of our kids fun...or my DSC enjoying time with their dad. I'd be disappointed I couldn't go...but thats life...and I'm an adult.

Rant over

@BananaBlue

Re the beautiful comment, I’ve been in that situation and responded along the lines of ‘oh no, I’m not mum but yes I agree’.

Ie centering myself (I’m not mum) and not othering the child (she’s not mine).

But I do see both sides and imagine SM would have been mortified to have unwittingly upset DSD.

When my DD was upset by the comment...she told her dad. The SM came to her room and shouted at her she was being stupid and, her words, "well you're not bloody mine are you" then as she walked away said loudly..."you look like your fucking mother"

@QuirkyTurtle

OP I was honestly on your side with this and could definitely see your perspective. But you're giving us the classic 'my kids are infallible' and refusing to admit that there are things you simply do not know anything about. People aren't toxic for offering you the perspective that YOU asked for.

I get it, honestly I do. I struggle sometimes to think reasonably and logically when my stepkid's mother is involved. But you owe it to yourself and your children to be better.

My children are not infallible...I never said that. I said any infraction on their part whilst at his house is raised with me. On that basis I have a fair idea of how they behave whilst there. My son has openly said he's fearful of saying anything when asked to do something as if he does SM a d exDH start arguing and that upsets him

I agree that's madness I have been ill before and my DH has gone on planned stuff with the kids, I even missed.l 5 day trip to wales one year as I was loaded with a virus and poorly. I would never expect him to rearrange unless it was say my birthday or something directly related to me.

When my DD was upset by the comment...she told her dad. The SM came to her room and shouted at her she was being stupid and, her words, "well you're not bloody mine are you" then as she walked away said loudly..."you look like your fucking mother"

See this is exactly the kind of thing I was asking about when I said was there anything worse you could think of, but instead of just bloody saying that you jumped straight to "I don't feel I should have to provide evidence to strangers"... whilst asking them if YABU unreasonable to be pissed off.

This was not an appropriate way of handling it, the SM is not faultless. But it sounds to me like her excessive prickliness is probably a symptom of your ex doing sweet FA. As is him cancelling the day out. There are issues with both of them but ultimately the main person letting your kids down is him.

When my DD was upset by the comment...she told her dad. The SM came to her room and shouted at her she was being stupid and, her words, "well you're not bloody mine are you" then as she walked away said loudly..."you look like your fucking mother"

That may very well be true and in that case, she sounds like an awful person. But were you THERE? Kids, and especially teenagers who feel wronged by their parent, are masters at exaggeration and even making things up. I know this is hard to accept and may not be the case here but it could be. I would really recommend reading a book called Stepmonster.

In terms of the upcoming wedding...SM has taken her son to be fitted for his kilt...my DS has been asking for months when he's to be fitted. Hes there 3 weekends in 4...she took her DS when mine was there, she elected not to take him. They've had adequate time...SM told him it didn't matter...they'd just order it and if it didn't fit properly he'd just have to wear it.

How is my DS not expected to feel like he's less important in the wedding?

If she expected DH to take him she should of directed my DS to his dad and not commented. Why take one child to be fitted but not the other...when he's physically there?

And for Christ's sake nobody has attacked your children. They have said that you can't really know if they behave well or not. They haven't said they are definitely badly behaved.

And, if you actually read what I posted, rather than assuming anything other than validation is an attack, you’d see that I wasn’t blaming your children even if they are behaving poorly.

I was blaming the environment that the adults around them have created that encourages it. Behaviour doesn’t occur in a vacuum.

I think you are being so defensive because you are actually a key part of driving the dynamic here. Ironically, that is because you are a good mother and you care incredibly deeply about it.

You won’t hear this as intended, but I’ll say it anyway. By seeing yourself as your children’s ‘safe space’ you are encouraging them to complain about their dad (often via the much safer proxy of their SM) to you. You are setting that up as a key dynamic in how their families function.

You care and want to validate their feelings. Of course you don but actually that need to be the most important emotional anchor in their lives, might actually be making it harder for them.

The flip side of the dynamic (one of them) is that their father is leaving things to you. He’s complaining to you about his children’s behaviour when they’re in his care. And making that your problem to solve.

It would be better if you could draw clearer boundaries for yourself and your children. You have to trust your ex with their emotional well-being. I understand that won’t be easy for you. And for good reasons.

But, only by making it clear that your role isn’t to hear complaints about their SM and their dad, can you help them to move past this and have better relationships with their father and his side of their family.

@QuirkyTurtle

When my DD was upset by the comment...she told her dad. The SM came to her room and shouted at her she was being stupid and, her words, "well you're not bloody mine are you" then as she walked away said loudly..."you look like your fucking mother"

That may very well be true and in that case, she sounds like an awful person. But were you THERE? Kids, and especially teenagers who feel wronged by their parent, are masters at exaggeration and even making things up. I know this is hard to accept and may not be the case here but it could be. I would really recommend reading a book called Stepmonster.

My son was in the next room and heard her. Now my DS and DD don't get along so he never sticks up for her...but the comment upset him also

@girlmom21

You're not being attacked. You're focussing on the wrong issues. If you did confront him and have it out with him over her behaviour, maybe this trip was her attempt to make amends and they couldn't do it so wanted to hold off until she could.

I agree with this. Sounds like a family thing was arranged. For the family. Be angry at your ex sure but SM doesn't seem to have done anything wrong her e

@CherylPorter350

In terms of the upcoming wedding...SM has taken her son to be fitted for his kilt...my DS has been asking for months when he's to be fitted. Hes there 3 weekends in 4...she took her DS when mine was there, she elected not to take him. They've had adequate time...SM told him it didn't matter...they'd just order it and if it didn't fit properly he'd just have to wear it.

How is my DS not expected to feel like he's less important in the wedding?

If she expected DH to take him she should of directed my DS to his dad and not commented. Why take one child to be fitted but not the other...when he's physically there?

Because she didn't want to take your DS out on her own yet again, probably. Because his dad shouldn't be leaving that to her.

@CherylPorter350

In terms of the upcoming wedding...SM has taken her son to be fitted for his kilt...my DS has been asking for months when he's to be fitted. Hes there 3 weekends in 4...she took her DS when mine was there, she elected not to take him. They've had adequate time...SM told him it didn't matter...they'd just order it and if it didn't fit properly he'd just have to wear it.

How is my DS not expected to feel like he's less important in the wedding?

If she expected DH to take him she should of directed my DS to his dad and not commented. Why take one child to be fitted but not the other...when he's physically there?

Maybe she was leaving her fiancé to make his own arrangements for his wedding party. It would be customary for the groom to ensure that his half of the party are kitted out.

But she knows he’s not going to do it. So she’s included her son in her wedding party prep duties.

But your son is feeling left out because his father is failing to take him. I assume he’s been fitted for his kilt? And his best man. And the people who matter to him?

Ask yourself if you are blaming the SM for compensating for her child but not yours? Ideally, yes, she might have taken them both. But it sounds like she might end up doing s lot of compensating and have decided that her fiancé can deal with his own shit or the consequences of not doing so on this.

Maybe, in her own wedding, she doesn’t want to have to be responsible for making up for their father’s uselessness to his children from a previous relationship. You can feel how you like about this - but do remember that it’s only a problem because his father hasn’t taken your son to have a kilt fitted.

@BurntToastAgain

And for Christ's sake nobody has attacked your children. They have said that you can't really know if they behave well or not. They haven't said they are definitely badly behaved.

And, if you actually read what I posted, rather than assuming anything other than validation is an attack, you’d see that I wasn’t blaming your children even if they are behaving poorly.

I was blaming the environment that the adults around them have created that encourages it. Behaviour doesn’t occur in a vacuum.

I think you are being so defensive because you are actually a key part of driving the dynamic here. Ironically, that is because you are a good mother and you care incredibly deeply about it.

You won’t hear this as intended, but I’ll say it anyway. By seeing yourself as your children’s ‘safe space’ you are encouraging them to complain about their dad (often via the much safer proxy of their SM) to you. You are setting that up as a key dynamic in how their families function.

You care and want to validate their feelings. Of course you don but actually that need to be the most important emotional anchor in their lives, might actually be making it harder for them.

The flip side of the dynamic (one of them) is that their father is leaving things to you. He’s complaining to you about his children’s behaviour when they’re in his care. And making that your problem to solve.

It would be better if you could draw clearer boundaries for yourself and your children. You have to trust your ex with their emotional well-being. I understand that won’t be easy for you. And for good reasons.

But, only by making it clear that your role isn’t to hear complaints about their SM and their dad, can you help them to move past this and have better relationships with their father and his side of their family.

I understand where you are coming from here. I do accept that the issues are surrounding the adults behaviour, exDH being the one primarily responsible. But, that said, SM is an adult, a mother who should be able to control her own behaviour and if frustrated with her DP should raise that with him, not take out her frustrations on the children. It's not their fault he's a surface paren, it's not hers either. The issues should be sorted between then so as not to affect the children. My son, in particular, gets upset at all the shouting because he doesn't want his little brother to hear that.

I accept being their safe space may contribute. I will clarify that I always encourage them to discuss things with their dad and to hear his side. I don't ever say dad or SM are wrong...thats not my place.

My exDH words were as SM is ill we can't go. He told the DC she didn't want them to go without her.

They won’t be the first family to reschedule something because one of the parents is ill. Might be a bummer for the kids, but these things happen.
You can guarantee that if the father was ill it would have been rescheduled and nobody would have batted an eyelid. But because this is the SM and she probably wants to have some fun with her DC (maybe DC’s first time going?), it’s a different story.
Also, maybe finances won’t allow a second trip out so that the SM could get a chance to go (those trampolining places are expensive), and so it made financial sense to reschedule.

Bottom line is that it’s none of your business.

What I said was, if she was leaving it to DH then she should not have made that comment and simply say your dad is sorting it...go speak with him. She choose to make the comment that his kilt didn't matter. Im not saying she should arrange but if she has agreed with DP that he should be arranging it..simply say that. Its about controlling her own behaviour and not taking that frustration out on a child

She isn't your child's mother though..
I would say the same, I don't know what's upsetting about that for your child?
It's facts.
And of course she will love her own child more.

You sound like you are picking at her, the kids have probably picked up on this so try and find fault too.

It's up to your ex the choices he makes regarding the kids, he's the parent so blame him not her.

You do sound really over involved though.
I wouldn't think twice about a trip being cancelled, it would only bother me if contact was completely dropped for the day that was scheduled.

Bottom line is that it’s none of your business.

Honestly I hate this line, because if someone says that to a stepmother on here about things like that, everyone would argue against it.

I firmly believe both parents (and their respective SO's) decide for themselves what they do on their parenting time, and the BPs don't have much of a say in it, but this is just an unhelpful thing to say.

@funinthesun19

My exDH words were as SM is ill we can't go. He told the DC she didn't want them to go without her.

They won’t be the first family to reschedule something because one of the parents is ill. Might be a bummer for the kids, but these things happen.
You can guarantee that if the father was ill it would have been rescheduled and nobody would have batted an eyelid. But because this is the SM and she probably wants to have some fun with her DC (maybe DC’s first time going?), it’s a different story.
Also, maybe finances won’t allow a second trip out so that the SM could get a chance to go (those trampolining places are expensive), and so it made financial sense to reschedule.

Bottom line is that it’s none of your business.

You obviously have a BM issue

As I've already explained...finances aren't an issue...according to my exDH bragging.

It was my business...it had been arranged on my contact time so directly impacted me.

This is a crap situation for you and for your DC.

Do you think that it might be worth getting some counselling for the 3 of you to help with this? Give the kids a different kind of safe space to help them to navigate the issues with their father and all that comes with that.

And you can figure out how to draw boundaries in such a way that you are an emotional anchor for them in important ways, but not in the ways that feed into dynamics that aren’t helping any of you.

You can’t change their father. Or anything that happens in that household. But you can approach things differently so that they are better able to navigate it all. And to stop any of this stuff coming ‘home’ with them and affecting your relationship and your time with them.

Your are really just making yourself sound like the bitter ex.

@Candyfloss99

Your are really just making yourself sound like the bitter ex.

That is certainly not the case...I divorced him...and she is welcome to him. She's not welcome to treat my kids as she sees fit. If she has an issue take it to her DP...thats what I do in my blended family. I do not treat my DSC differently based on what their father does. They're children, thats a preposterous notion. They're not to blame if I don't agree with something my DH does

@QuirkyTurtle

Bottom line is that it’s none of your business.

Honestly I hate this line, because if someone says that to a stepmother on here about things like that, everyone would argue against it.

I firmly believe both parents (and their respective SO's) decide for themselves what they do on their parenting time, and the BPs don't have much of a say in it, but this is just an unhelpful thing to say.

The cancelled/rearranged contact was on MY time...so is my business

I make no comment about how they spend they're rime when it's his contact time

Agreed...if that was the situation...why make the comment she did? Surely redirecting my son to his dad solves that issue without hurting his feeling

@CherylPorter350

What I said was, if she was leaving it to DH then she should not have made that comment and simply say your dad is sorting it...go speak with him. She choose to make the comment that his kilt didn't matter. Im not saying she should arrange but if she has agreed with DP that he should be arranging it..simply say that. Its about controlling her own behaviour and not taking that frustration out on a child

Again, I know that all of this is coming from a place of concern for your DC, but you don’t actually know what was really said.

That isn’t even accusing your son of lying about anything - or anything sinister. Because the emotions involved can affect how people remember or experience things. When you feel a bit sensitive, you don’t necessarily hear what’s being said.

And that emotional influence can amplify as you recall it and relate it to others. Especially if the context of telling that person is that you know they’ll be upset and angry in your behalf.

Similarly, your DC might not appear to have each others’ backs when they’re with you. But that doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening in relation to a situation where they’re feeling pushed out by their father and, to some extent, they use a common enemy in their stepmother. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that…

Your children cannot be reliable reporters of what happens at dad’s because of the whole shitty dynamic that is not serving them well.

—

It’s also easy to fall in to the SM is an adult, she ‘should…’ type of thinking about this. But, you don’t know how difficult or stressful it all actually is for her. It could be traumatic enough that she really isn’t ‘herself’ in any of it.

That’s not excusing anything from your children’s perspective. But it would be helpful to understand quite how bad a dynamic like the one you are describing can be to live with as the outsider-scapegoat and how much it might affect someone.

She’s not your problem. And you can’t do anything about the crap relationship situation she’s found herself in. But, let’s face it, your ex is not exactly doing his part in creating the conditions for anyone to thrive here.

Some counselling might help your children to think about things and relate to her and their father differently - in ways that make it better for everyone. That’s worth pursuing from your and their perspective (regardless of whether it is in any way useful to her it him). As I said, this point isn’t really about her or making her life easier.

Yes she should control her reactions so the kids aren't aware of their spats. But honestly, I get the impression that her inability to do so is a reflection of just how shitty you ex is, if it's got to that point. Feeling blamed by you and your kids will only add more kindling to the fire.

I wouldn't be surprised if they end up separating, tbh, which could be a blessing. She sounds ready to explode about it all.

That’s not excusing anything from your children’s perspective. But it would be helpful to understand quite how bad a dynamic like the one you are describing can be to live with as the outsider-scapegoat and how much it might affect someone.

Yes, completely agree with this. In fact your whole comment expresses my view better than mine did!