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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

302 replies

Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 22:45

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 17/01/2022 22:48

Has be taken legal steps to get access?

Original poster
Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 22:49

No, I've asked and doesn't want to

OP posts:
givemepiece · 17/01/2022 22:52

I think the fact he hasn't taken legal steps goes some way to show his character. Which is not one I would want to have children with. Sorry op.

TracyMosby · 17/01/2022 22:53

Blimey. Did he seriously have no other option than moving 190 miles away from his children? That move in itself meant he couldnt possibly parent them. He would only be a visiting uncle at best.

Do you really want to marry and have a child with a man who regrets his children and has moved on from them? Really? How was your upbringing?

FlowerArranger · 17/01/2022 22:58

Do you really want to marry and have a child with a man who regrets his children and has moved on from them? Really? How was your upbringing

And he has done it once........ he could do it again...

TracyMosby · 17/01/2022 22:58

Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc
He could contact the school for this information. Has he?

I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested
He is not interested in his children. Why would you consider marriage and a family with him?

He has not taken any legal steps to have access. This man moved 190 miles away from his children and isnt interested in doing anything to see them.

What sort of job does he do?
How often does he take you out on dates?

Onlinedilema · 17/01/2022 23:00

Why would you move 190 miles away from your young children?
I know many divorced parents. In most cases the children live with the mother full time. Every single one of the fathers lives within a 5 mile radius of the family home. Most of the fathers are not originally from the area either but still they have stayed close by.
as for advice, sorry to I can't give any.

GrazingSheep · 17/01/2022 23:02

My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

Isn’t that great for him.
Not so great for his children though

dangerrabbit · 17/01/2022 23:02

Heartbreaking for the poor children. What a callous man.

Gazelda · 17/01/2022 23:02

In your heart, do you really think you can respect a man who doesn't do everything in his power to see and/or maintain contact with his DC? Who tells you he regrets having them?

He pays CM, so has some sort of sense of responsibility. But seems to have closed the door on them emotionally. Won't make the effort to contact their school. Or to take the matter to court.

Doesn't he get maudlin on their birthdays, or Christmas? Doesn't he ever express a desire to m be back closer? Does he have pics of them around the home?

GrazingSheep · 17/01/2022 23:03

Would you like the same outcome for any children you may have with him?

Original poster
Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 23:05

He moved back home as he moved with ex to be closer to her family but relationship fell apart less than a year later and was rocky beforehand . He works in finance and we have brought a home together. We get on very well and spend every evening and weekend together mostly. We have date nights although when your childless it's not as big of a thing as its just normal. We have mutual hobbies and enjoy our life.

OP posts:
YuleiamsaidI · 17/01/2022 23:06

Fgs please don't have a child with this man.

Spilltheteaplease · 17/01/2022 23:07

@Nancylove12

He moved back home as he moved with ex to be closer to her family but relationship fell apart less than a year later and was rocky beforehand . He works in finance and we have brought a home together. We get on very well and spend every evening and weekend together mostly. We have date nights although when your childless it's not as big of a thing as its just normal. We have mutual hobbies and enjoy our life.
He's not childless! He has two children.

Honestly you should run a mile, this is definitely not a man you should be having children with.

Whatever is excuses are, he actively chose to move hours away from his children and has not pursued a meaningful relationship with him.

Socialcarenope · 17/01/2022 23:08

The fact he won't seek legal advice would be in the nail in the coffin for me. I unfortunately know 2 women who keep their children from their fathers so I'm not quick to dismiss that bit but the fact he won't fight for them would mean he isn't a man I could love.

Gazelda · 17/01/2022 23:08

@Nancylove12

He moved back home as he moved with ex to be closer to her family but relationship fell apart less than a year later and was rocky beforehand . He works in finance and we have brought a home together. We get on very well and spend every evening and weekend together mostly. We have date nights although when your childless it's not as big of a thing as its just normal. We have mutual hobbies and enjoy our life.
So he moved back to his home town after the split? Weren't his DC enough of a reason to stay nearby?
titchy · 17/01/2022 23:09

@Nancylove12

He moved back home as he moved with ex to be closer to her family but relationship fell apart less than a year later and was rocky beforehand . He works in finance and we have brought a home together. We get on very well and spend every evening and weekend together mostly. We have date nights although when your childless it's not as big of a thing as its just normal. We have mutual hobbies and enjoy our life.
Oh well if you share a h
titchy · 17/01/2022 23:09

Share a hobby that makes everything ok Hmm

Blossom64265 · 17/01/2022 23:11

I wouldn’t even date a man who moved away from his children if he had any other options.

TracyMosby · 17/01/2022 23:14

@Socialcarenope

The fact he won't seek legal advice would be in the nail in the coffin for me. I unfortunately know 2 women who keep their children from their fathers so I'm not quick to dismiss that bit but the fact he won't fight for them would mean he isn't a man I could love.
This.

So many women after a relationship breaks down find themselves a single parent with 100% responsibility while their ex fucks off and acts like he has no responsibility. You know this already, before marriage and children, and yet you are choosing it for yourself. Why?

And no matter how good a father he might be to your child when you're together, he is a terrible father to his other children.

KurtWilde · 17/01/2022 23:14

How could you possibly consider having a child with a man who couldn't be arsed with his first 2 children? He hasn't done anywhere near enough to stay in their lives.

PermanentTemporary · 17/01/2022 23:18

Quite possibly the ex is awful but frankly he doesn't sound great either.

The person you have children with is someone you are tied to for good (even if he 'moves on'). You have miniature versions of him that you grw in your body, with lots of his characteristics. You are part of the wider family. You change because of the relationship with him - some of you becomes more like him, some in reaction to him.

He just sounds like a really difficult proposition for a family. Even if none of it is his fault, he's surely traumatised by losing his children? What might come up if he has another?

Skeumorph · 17/01/2022 23:19

You will really regret this.

You know that saying, when the chips are down? Well that was it. The chips were down, and he walked away from his children because it was easier. Put himself first, moved 190 miles away. Got on with his life. Oh of course he made attempts to be in contact, but it's nowhere near being the kind of father - the kind of person - who genuinely loves his children and puts them first. He would never ever have moved, for a start.

When you have children yourself, you will understand that absolute shift in the way you feel, that they are part of you and you just don't think of things in the same way. And you'll begin to see that some people - oh let's face it, 99999.99% of them are men - just don't feel like that. They are the ones who leave. The ones who pay lip service, and say some of the right things but when the chips are down, they don't love their children the way a child needs to be loved in order to grow up mentally healthy, and be the best they can be. They love themselves more than they can ever love a child. And they tend to be the ones who definitely love themselves more than a partner.

When you have your children, I hope they are with a different, better person, who does have the capacity to love like that and put their child first. Who would find it impossible to 'move on' from their own children.

I hope you don't have them with him, because you will look at this situation and you will change the way you feel about him, I guarantee it.

I have a friend in this position. They too have now split. He's now moved nearer to the first (now almost grown) children and is trying to 'make up for lost time'. Meanwhile, he's dropped their child like hot shit. Because he's capable of doing such a thing, and she's finding it all the harder to accept because she knew all along that that was him when the chips were down.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/01/2022 23:21

He's a deadbeat dad and will do the same to you more than likely.

How on earth can you consider being with a man of such poor character?

Berrybear · 17/01/2022 23:23

My DP's ex kept him from seeing his children for years. He fought tooth and nail for access via the courts, with her doing everything possible to prevent access, including seriously unimaginable things that were so damaging to her own children. It cost over £20,000 in court fees and was such a hard time at times he would ask, "is there a point that I give up?" but I knew he just wouldn't be able to ever walk away and if he did he'd be a shell of a man. His DC now live full time with us and are thriving. If he had done what your fiancé has done our lives would have been so much easier, but I would have had zero respect for him and I definitely wouldn't have wanted to have children with him knowing that he could walk away from his own children so easily.

I have known men who have fought to see their children and eventually given up, in certain circumstances I can understand this more, but your fiancé hasn't even attempted to fight for his kids. He's walked away so easily, I couldn't respect that. It's clear it doesn't sit well with you because you know it's not right.