I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@OnceUponaThread fantastic comment! 👏

@NashvilleQueen I love my DSD but we had to give up family dog due to a incident which the dog got harmed by DSD, I would absolutely not put her in a position where something could happen to DC, as that would be unfair on DC but also massively unfair on DSD due to her issues.
(I might add there are neurological reasons behind it that situation)

Even without that I wouldn't ever expect my SC to have to take on that role. She maybe expected to be respectful and clean up after herself in this house but I don't believe in children doing adult work.

@OnceUponAThread nailed it. Completely.

@OnceUponAThread, your words are very sensible and open to understanding but frankly the tone is completely different to the OP.

Would you actually say that you hate being a stepmum to you SCs?

Being difference between 'sometimes I resent BEING a stepparent' your words and 'I absolutely hate being a stepmum, words of OP.

@vivainsomnia

Being difference between 'sometimes I resent BEING a stepparent' your words and 'I absolutely hate being a stepmum, words of OP.

No there isn't, the only substantial difference is the word "sometimes".

There have been moments when I have hated being a stepmum, of course there have.

I remember having a MMC and having to mask that when SDs were here and absolutely hating the whole bloody thing. I still loved them as people, but I absolutely wanted to prioritise myself and what I was going through.

I was furious that I couldn't just have what I needed in that moment.

I have hated being a stepmum when I've had to deal with their mum's bullshit. Regularly. It has been so difficult and hard and made my life nigh on impossible. Again. I love the kids. But honestly in those moments I have wished with all my heart that I wasn't a stepmum and didn't have to deal with it all.

There are many other moments I'm sure.

And I imagine there will be moments once my baby is born, where I hate being a stepmum. Probably the first time I have to be on my own with baby because DH has parenting responsibilities etc will be triggering. Etc etc.

I can talk more rationally now I am out of the woods of those moments. But had you asked me IN the moment - I would come off differently I'm sure.

Hate is a strong word and as such it brings up feelings. But it's important to remember that OP said she hated being a stepmum NOT her stepkids.

I think it's really quite normal to hate it at times. It's really hard. You're not a "proper" parent, and often you're up against quite different parenting styles in the other house.

It's a delicate balance. It takes up SO much of you, and often is utterly thankless. No one appreciates all the effort and you don't get quite the same rewards as you do as a parent.

Frankly it's shit in moments. Again, I love my SDs. I wouldn't change them for the world. But is this the life and path I expected, no. Is it bloody brutal sometimes - yes. Did I have ANY idea just how difficult and traumatic it would be at times - no.

I love my stepkids. But I categorically do not love being a stepmum. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's ok. And sometimes I hate it.

And that word makes the whole difference. I too sometimes resent being mum to my kids. Not often, sometimes. It's normal.

It would be very worrying if I said that I absolutely hate being a mum.

How can you not sense the difference?

And as @aSofaNearYou says - the main difference between what I have said and what OP has said is the word sometimes.

In the middle of the moments I mentioned. I would have said: I HATE being a stepmum, I hate it, I hate it, please help. If you had asked in the middle of the MMC I would have told you I LOATHED being a stepmum.

But. When I am out of the woods I can speak rationally about it and say that sometimes I hate it.

In the great moments (and there are so many of those too) I would say I LOVE being a stepmum.

OP is in the middle of a really shit time. And at the moment she hates being a stepmum. That's fine. Her feelings are valid and talking about it is the best way to find solutions and work through it.

• She has said she feels guilty
• She acknowledges things have changed since she had a baby
• She is searching for ways to try and move through and past this.

None of that deserves being hung, drawn and quartered by people here.

@vivainsomnia

And that word makes the whole difference. I too sometimes resent being mum to my kids. Not often, sometimes. It's normal.

It would be very worrying if I said that I absolutely hate being a mum.

How can you not sense the difference?

When you're in those moments you may well say you hate being a mum. Later, you might say sometimes. But in the moment, you hate it.

If a mum came on here (as many do) and said - "I HATE being a mum, baby isn't sleeping, I think I've made a mistake, I'm not cut out for this, this is awful" - she would rightly get empathy and solutions.

No one would accuse her of hating her baby. Not a one.

No one would say "gasp, think of the children".

No one would say "oh my God that poor child must be so unhappy knowing you hate being a mother, you shouldn't have got pregnant if you felt this way".

And so on.

The fact is that most mums I know have moments where they bloody hate being a parent. And they are allowed to express that. Step-mums should too.

[quote vivainsomnia]@OnceUponAThread, your words are very sensible and open to understanding but frankly the tone is completely different to the OP.

Would you actually say that you hate being a stepmum to you SCs?[/quote]
Tone or words are easier to say rationally or even kindly when your headspace is good.

The reason why many many other posters including myself are flagging OPs mental health is because it will impact how or what words she is using in this moment.

This moment and how she's feeling right now is not static, chances are it's not permanent and it's likely to change. Assuming that will be her default forever and assigning character traits to her based on a snapshot in time when there's a lot going on isn't fair.

I hope to god I won't be solely defined by my less good times, when my headspace wasn't correct. I know for instance I was unkind and downright mean after the loss of my child. I would not have spoken in way that my actual "state of me" in that moment. I would hope people could look at the situation as a whole and be empathetic to my MH wasn't right and that contributed to who I was at that moment.

This is just a snapshot of OP but one picture doesn't show everything, and somethings cannot be captured in one photo alone.

Here is a great example. Mum says she HATES being a mum. Look at the difference in support and advice and kindness and words.

to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4447716-to-think-its-not-postnatal-depression-some-people-just-hate-being-a-mum

Frankly I fail to understand how anyone would stay in a situation they hated and bring in children into it unless it was indeed only occasional.

No families are perfect, people and situation drive you mad, all normal, but when it gets to the point of absolutely hating it, why remain in it? How are you going to be happy?

This is just a snapshot of OP but one picture doesn't show everything, and somethings cannot be captured in one photo alone
Of course, that applies to any posts. It could be much better than it appears or worse, we can only go by the words written.

@vivainsomnia

Frankly I fail to understand how anyone would stay in a situation they hated and bring in children into it unless it was indeed only occasional.

No families are perfect, people and situation drive you mad, all normal, but when it gets to the point of absolutely hating it, why remain in it? How are you going to be happy?

Would you say that to the woman in the thread I just posted who said she hated being a mother?

Here is a great example. Mum says she HATES being a mum. Look at the difference in support and advice and kindness and words
Personally I feel very very sorry for kids whose mum feel like this. Of course it can be so at first due to the shock of the adjustment, but the bond that takes place and the love of being a mum takes over.

When that doesn't happen, its almost inevitable that the kids will be messed up. A SM can walk away if she hates it, not just at first but over time. If the changes required to start enjoying it or at least tolerate it are impossible or to complex to do so, the option is there. Its much harder for a mum.

Of course, that applies to any posts. It could be much better than it appears or worse, we can only go by the words written.

Yes but can you understand what people are saying? You wouldn't jump to the same conclusions in any other scenario where someone says they hate something.

A SM can walk away if she hates it, not just at first but over time. If the changes required to start enjoying it or at least tolerate it are impossible or to complex to do so, the option is there. Its much harder for a mum.

For some, the feeling of hating it won't be all the time. For others, it may be all the time but the SC may spend a small enough percentage of their time with them that it seems worth it.

And then there's the fact that once you have your own child in the mix, you're not going to want to leave if you can help it. I certainly wouldn't split up my DDs parents due to my occasional misgivings.

Yes but can you understand what people are saying? You wouldn't jump to the same conclusions in any other scenario where someone says they hate something
I would be concerned of anyone mentioning the word hate relating to their role around children.

For others, it may be all the time but the SC may spend a small enough percentage of their time with them that it seems worth it
Then you choose to accept it. I just hope that in these situations, it really is true that the SCs can't sense that their SM hate it when they are there.

I personally find it hard to imagine that her behaviour wouldn't reflect her feelings and that the kids wouldn't know, which is the part that is concerning but again, each situation is different.

I would be concerned of anyone mentioning the word hate relating to their role around children.

Hmm well perhaps it's just a compassion defecit then. I really can't imagine anyone piling on a mum for saying she hated being one.

@aSofaNearYou

I would be concerned of anyone mentioning the word hate relating to their role around children.

Hmm well perhaps it's just a compassion defecit then. I really can't imagine anyone piling on a mum for saying she hated being one.

Yes definitely a compassion deficit in that case.

Not a single person criticised the mum on that thread (in great contrast to what is happening here) which is why I posted it. To show just how differently mums and step mums are treated when using the exact same words.

Alternatively, the poster has backed herself into a corner and is saying she would judge that mum, when she wouldn't.

Most likely a compassion-free robot though, and unhelpful to the thread. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I feel the exact same way, it all changed once our babies arrived. No advice sadly as I'm dealing with it too. I just focus on my babies and thats it. Many arguments have been had...

I think its unrealistic of people to say "you knew what you were getting into" .No one can possibly know ! Your DP were probably trying to do the right thing is all.Your DD is of course special to them ,but they are just trying to be tactful .A 50 /50 share is going to obv impact upon family life with a new LO .Its natural to feel she comes first ,has a special place which she does of course . Life is about more than presents though, and SDC will blend better with her as they grow older if they feel more "equal" IFYSWIM . Try to take babe out alone sometimes ,and meet your parents as well just on your own with her .Its not an easy situation for sure ,gradually you will all settle into a new pattern . Just enjoy Baby for now ,she is very loved !