to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

How old is your little one?

I honestly think a lot of people/mums feel like this at first. And some people also take time to feel love with their child. I did when I got my little guy home. I felt very confused and lonely. It wasn't until approx 3 months in when I started getting to grips with a new sense of identity. You change as a mother, your whole life flips around, and it's perfectly normal to want your old life back. I think you just need time, and to be kind to yourself.

I think it’s incredibly common to have those “what the FUCK have I done” moments, especially early on.
Adjustment to motherhood is massive. Way more than anyone can ever anticipate, however much you think you’re prepared.
But usually you get used to and embrace this adjustment and end up thinking the positives outweigh the negatives. That might not be the case for every mother though I guess.

I think early on it easily CAN be PND because as you work through things you feel much better. If you truly just dislike being a parent then I’d assume you’d always feel that way.

How old is your child. Sounds like you’re still early on. I found the first 8 months UNBEARABLY hard. Things have just got SO MUCH BETTER since then.

For me it wasn't depression, it was post-partum anxiety. Once I got on meds I was much less irrational.

My most distinct memory is standing over his crib, sobbing, repeating "what have I done? I can't take this back". I didn't love him then either so I couldn't tell you that "at least I love him".

I think we're too quick to think someone DOESN'T have an issue. Having kids is bloody hard, but if you genuinely feel no joy and feel hollow and regret, then there's something not quite right.

I disagree with the previous poster. I think it's perfectly possible to dislike being a mum - even to not love your child - and not have PND. The assumption seems to be that if you want out of your mother's role, then you must be either out of your mind with exhaustion, or mentally ill.

In my view, this is due to the heavily ingrained belief that motherhood is a "natural" state of womanhood. It simply is not. Whilst is common to enjoy being a mum and to love your child, many mums feel differently. The problem is, there's no easy solution when you don't want to be a mum. The lack of escape is often what causes psychological issues, rather than the dislike of the mother role itself.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues.

@anon182 You must feel as though nobody is listening to you, that you are not being taken seriously and I'm sorry about that.

I do think you are right. It's like we are saying 'If you do not like being a mother, there is something wrong with you'. Of course, many women who feel this way are suffering from PND but not every single one. Some women do regret having children and what's more, the narrative that motherhood is always a joy does nobody any favours.

I'm glad you are able to say how you feel in this anonymous environment. You cannot change this so all you can really do is manage in the best way you can.

You say your son is loved. You mention nappies, naps and 'shh' so you are clearly attending to his needs. Things will improve. Not straight away but when he starts nursery/school, you'll have more time to yourself and more time outside the role of caregiver. Even if this time is spent at work, you will feel better just through having a change of scenery.

You aren't the first and you definitely aren't the last to feel like this. Let me say again that things will improve. I wish you all the best.

I agree. My dad’s mother is a very extreme case but she made it very clear to my dad he was unwanted from a young age. They’ve been no contact - by mutual agreement - for 30 years. As I said, an incredibly extreme case and I’m sure many women who regret becoming mothers parent their children very well. But she certainly wasn’t overcome with love, things didn’t change as he grew up. It’s one of the many reasons I’m not having kids, because I think there’s a strong chance I’d regret it

Tbh you sound like you hate having a BABY
The first year is the worst. Maybe even the first 18 months

Give it some time. A bany aint no fun. It's relentless. And boring and no sleep. And just the worst . But give it some time please. But if you still have this feeling when your kid is 2: Dont be a mum that tells their kids she regretted having them. Like pp mentioned. Youll end up breaking a kids heart and spirit. Adoption or foster care would be a kinder choice.

But first
Take a bath. Join a support group. Ask youe parents to have the baby for a few days. Or your partner. Or a friend. Get a hobby. Join an online fb group

do more of what makes you happy
You need it.

It's fine to admit that being a new mum can be boring, stressful, certainly always knackering, and can be rather miserable. It's not time to declare that this being a mum lark isn't for you though, that's like saying that going outside isn't for you as you went over on your ankle as you stepped down from your front door.

@TR888

I disagree with the previous poster. I think it's perfectly possible to dislike being a mum - even to not love your child - and not have PND. The assumption seems to be that if you want out of your mother's role, then you must be either out of your mind with exhaustion, or mentally ill.

In my view, this is due to the heavily ingrained belief that motherhood is a "natural" state of womanhood. It simply is not. Whilst is common to enjoy being a mum and to love your child, many mums feel differently. The problem is, there's no easy solution when you don't want to be a mum. The lack of escape is often what causes psychological issues, rather than the dislike of the mother role itself.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues.

I agree with this whole heartedly as a mental health professional. Especially the part about men deciding they're not cut out to be fathers and walking away without an issue but mothers being labeled with poor mental health when they feel the same.

But first
Take a bath. Join a support group. Ask youe parents to have the baby for a few days. Or your partner. Or a friend. Get a hobby. Join an online fb group

do more of what makes you happy
You need it.

This is great advice if doable but I think some of the triggers for PhD and depression later on in parenting is when there is no support to do the above

@unwicked PND most certainly exists I was unlucky enough to suffer with my first child. It's debilitating and very scary and the guilt I feel now I am better is terrible.

I have had a second child and definitely dislike the baby stage - I hate the relentlessness, the loneliness, the shushing, the feeding, the walking baby to sleep every single bloody day, the lack of night time sleep and rest during the day, but I don't have PND this time.

OP - a mum can definitely tell the difference between just not enjoying being a mum v. having post natal depression/anxiety. Baby stage is not for everyone and I for one hate it with a passion but after 18 months + it does get more enjoyable hence why I had a second and just have to plough through this next 6-12 months to get out the other side. Xx

OP do you work? I hated staying home with DD on mat leave, but now I’m back at work full time, I enjoy the time I have with her a lot more.

@TR888

I disagree with the previous poster. I think it's perfectly possible to dislike being a mum - even to not love your child - and not have PND. The assumption seems to be that if you want out of your mother's role, then you must be either out of your mind with exhaustion, or mentally ill.

In my view, this is due to the heavily ingrained belief that motherhood is a "natural" state of womanhood. It simply is not. Whilst is common to enjoy being a mum and to love your child, many mums feel differently. The problem is, there's no easy solution when you don't want to be a mum. The lack of escape is often what causes psychological issues, rather than the dislike of the mother role itself.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues.

This, this, 1000 times this!

I think you might be right. I don’t relate to this feeling at all. Although it’s not easy at first, I’ve loved being a mum / having a baby. I don’t read the books, just do what I feel is right. No anxiety or feelings of dread. My kid is a dream baby (for now) & has brought me so much joy.
I regard myself very lucky to have never suffered depression or any other MH issues (apart from circumstantial, like my miscarriage). Also, I never yearned for a child & definitely didn’t feel the need to be a “mother”. I had my kid later in life, and had actually come to terms with idea of being childless (after the miscarriage).
The whole thing was a surprise, for me. But in a good way. It hasn’t been easy on my marriage. However, the experience overall has been lovely for me (in-spite of the pressure of Covid / Lockdowns). I do think that not all women feel the same way.
Strangely, as well, I always thought I’d hate pregnancy & thought birth would be easy by comparison. It turned out to be the other way around!

I think it’s perfectly possible to hate being a mum and have postnatal depression.

Your description of waking up feeling hollow sounds more like depression than simply not liking your current role. I would talk to your HV or GP about PND. You may have it and it will help to treat it. Doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll enjoy being a mum (it might, your feelings might be down to PND but they might not, mine weren’t.), but it could make it easier to find other aspect of life again and enjoy those.

You are not alone and I don’t think you’re nuts. I have a 4 month old, and most days I hate being a mother and feel a sense of doom for all the reasons mentioned above: the relentlessness, total sleep deprivation, the monotony. I underestimated how hard it would be. I did assume correctly I’m not a baby person so I’m holding on for the kid years that I’m actually looking forward to. This part is a slog.

I definitely had PND, I don't now. I was chronically exhausted from sleep deprivation. I'm not now. It made my life a living hell. I am as suicidal. I'm not now. But I still hate motherhood and the prison I feel it is. if I has my time again I'd remain childless. I just think some women are not supposed to be mother's and unfortunately it's a decision you can't undo.

@unwicked

"I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task." I completely agree. I don't even think PND exists. People need to deal with reality. I think in some cases it could be a hormonal problem though, or just the general tiredness. But if people regret having their baby, or have some other problem with it, don't like it etc, that's not a disease, it's an uncomfortable fact. However you are just saying you are sick of being tired. I feel like you wanted people to correct you and didn't really mean it when you said that you weren't up to the task though. But you haven't been clear what the problem is other than your tiredness. Why are you feeling lonely? What does that have to do with having a baby? And should you not be feeling less lonely? Where is the Dad or partner? Not surprised it is hard if you are alone. Or you feel lonely if you are alone. What exactly are you not cut out to do? Babies don't do anything, you have to do it all for them. That's the point. TR888's post was perfect.

What a load of insensitive crap. Of course it can be lonely living with a baby. No you are never 'alone' and that's the point, your only company is a completely helpless human being who you cannot communicate with easily. I love my baby but some days I would give anything just to be 'alone' again. It can be so exhausting always having another person around that you are responsible for.

I think the term PND is problematic because there is a range of perinatal hormone dysregulation issues that aren’t recognised. I had post natal anxiety and antenatal depression but was only screened for and aware of PND. Some women experience rage and anger rather than depression too.

One of the symptoms of antenatal depression for me was a hollow feeling and I stopped loving my dh and my cat. Dh was easier to justify than the cat, but the love came back in the third trimester.

I considered abortion, and tried to change career during this period and had the strongest “what gave I done?” feelings despite both pregnancies being planned and very much wanted.

For me the experience didn’t feel like a depression, just like unsatisfactory circumstances. It was the return of my loving feelings, and on my second pregnancy a repeat of the thought patterns that made me realise this was something more.

The effect of sleep deprivation also go way beyond tiredness. My personality and cognition are affected; I lose my joy and spark and I have a myriad of health issues that vanish after a few weeks of good sleep.

I agree that it’s entirely possible to just not like being a parent, and as pp have said, many men are like this. It’s a perfectly logical and rational response.

But we’re not men. Our bodies have given birth and we have to deal with the effects of hormone fluctuations too. We deserve better information and understanding around these issues.

I agree OP actually - I think people are to quick to medicalise normal human emotions and feel the need to label it as a mental health issue perhaps to
Make themselves feel better and to provide medical justification for their feelings other than just "I'm just finding it hard" . Diagnosing PND is going to get you more support than just saying you aren't enjoying motherhood and finding it so a bit crap / not what you'd thought It would be.
The early weeks with a baby is boring, often lonely, hard (for some people) and makes many parents wonder what on earth they've done - no medication is going to change that

Sure, some don't. But a lot of mums also find the adjustment period really, really hard. OUr society doesn't do much to help the transition in terms of communnal life. But it can also mean we have to completely change the way we think about ourselves, in a way it's almost like becoming another person. It's destabilizing.

Add to that the first few months don't have a lot of clear rewards, they are a slog, people don't have enough help, and they are often very surprised by the level of intense caring required and by their own physical recovery after birth - so it really can be hard.

It's possible and worth it to plan to get things on a better footing as time goes on, and parenting itself becomes less or a slog with more enjoyable bits. Being with other people can help a lot.

How old is your baby? I am a FTM, DS is 12wks old. Even though I do love him, the days feel monotonous and oh so difficult. I find myself very often thinking, what on earth did I get myself in to. Baby usually isn’t happy to be put to sleep by partner. So all day for me feels like just a cycle of feeding, shhhhing , rocking and pacing the room for hours (and mostly to no success as baby just doesn’t want to sleep in the day) . It’s a bit better when we go out but even then, everything revolves around being somewhere I can breastfeed on demand, searching for somewhere to change his nappy, taking turns carrying him as he won’t stay in sling or buggy if awake. I feel like all other mums manage so well and I’m just lost in this. It’s just a constant struggle , apart from the odd few seconds he smiles with eye contact. I also hope it will get better with time ? Although I suspect that when they start crawling it will be even more hands on?

I completely agree with you OP.

Early parenthood is hard, it's relentless and isolating. It's a constant cycle of tasks that you have to complete on little sleep and from which very little enjoyment comes.

I hated being a mum when my DD was born. I didn't feel a natural rush of love, I felt trapped and like I'd lost all my independence and identity. But I wasn't depressed. I was happy in life generally I just felt bored by the prospect of motherhood.

That said once she reached about 7 months and became more interactive and slept longer stretches, I did start to enjoy it. She's now a funny and gorgeous two year old bursting with personality and I love spending my time with her. It really does get better

I had my first and then moved away due to DHs job (temporary for a year) - bluddy miserable, in the days before phones, didn't know a soul. I think it was the loss of freedom PLUS the fact the DH's life went on as normal, so ti was lonely and angering. Not really depression though anti Ds might have helped, I've never taken them so don't know.