I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@Dancingonmoonlight

The OP was not looking for ways to overcome her feelings. She is looking for ppl to validate her feelings. And adults piling in to complain that some posters are only thinking about the children and not the adult are mind staggeringly selfish. The adults can make their own decisions. The children, being switched between households and being told to stay with someone who clearly resents them, have no choice in this at all.

There's a difference between validating and empathising, and nothing admirable about simply responding with "you're talking about yourself so you must be selfish"

And it's "mind staggering" to some of us that you cannot see that.

I think we do not give the DF enough credit for how hard it is to balance everything and they are learning too.

New Tiger Mum - sole focus new DC
Old Time Dad - now trying to give time to all DCS and partner and only having one set of DCs part time.

I read some of the comments on these discussions and think - poor guy, he needs time to adjust and find a happy medium and keep everyone happy and yes sometimes they get it wrong.

OP - your family is your DSC aswell, they exist and are hugely important to your DP and will be hopefully to your DC.

I wish there was enough love to go around

I wish there was enough love for everybody

@Mufasa1118

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

Great post. You said it exactly as it is.

Expect to be shouted down by the people who came to the realisation too late, that they became stepmothers at the same time they became wives, when they married a man who already had children.

@Dancingonmoonlight I agree and the tone deaf posts about how all women are expected to be motherly. As fas as I’m aware of step parents, it’s step fathers who generally do more of the caring for step children.
I have little sympathy for an adult complaining about other adults caring about how children (who have no choice in the situation) feel. If you wanted your DC to get the PFB routine then you needed to choose someone who didn’t have children already.

Also the pictures matter I have my own stepmother who ensures there are more pictures of her kids then me. It was the one physical thing I could point to when my dad was asking me why I stopped coming. She made me feel unwelcome in other subtle ways, but the pictures was the one he got as he couldn’t deny it.

I read some of the comments on these discussions and think - poor guy, he needs time to adjust and find a happy medium and keep everyone happy and yes sometimes they get it wrong. I get it, but why is he given time to adjust and seen as poor guy but step mum isn't given the same attitude by others on here.

Also the pictures matter I have my own stepmother who ensures there are more pictures of her kids then me it's most likely she just wanted pictures up of her own child rather than printed them off for the sake of it. Your dad should have had pictures of you up if he wanted them. He clearly didn't want them so that's on him

@Testingprof and sorry if that's harsh but it's your dad's role to sort out photos of his own kids. He can't be bothered.

[quote KiloWhat]@Testingprof and sorry if that's harsh but it's your dad's role to sort out photos of his own kids. He can't be bothered.[/quote]
Sorry you are wrong. She went around removing them. She tried to do the same as my dads parents and was given short shrift. Although I agree it was on him to put her back in line. Same as my mum would have done if her partner tried that trick but notice it’s mostly women who try and cut out existing children not men.

@KiloWhat I actually don’t agree that it is solely on my dad to ensure equality, equity etc. As an adult who brought her own child into the relationship she’d have been pretty pissed if he totally excluded her child (and she was when I excluded both children and her from an event).

It is on both adults to not alienate the pre-existing child. Why is it that men are expected to take on existing children but for women it’s this massive ask?

I have far more sympathy with the children then the adults who have/had a choice in the scenario.

How would you feel if step dads said well I’ll only contribute 1/3 to the households costs as I’m only a third of the people in here of 1/4 etc? I’m sure you’d be up in arms…

@Testingprof then I apologise. If she is actively removing them then yes that is different to dad not bothering to put any up and she sounds shit.

@KiloWhat I actually don’t agree that it is solely on my dad to ensure equality, equity etc

The buck stops with him though. If you were treated unfairly and cruely he should have left

It is on both adults to not alienate the pre-existing child. Why is it that men are expected to take on existing children but for women it’s this massive ask? they are expected to take on their own children. I wouldn't expect a man to parent another person's child. It's the expect that causes the issues.

@KiloWhat

It is on both adults to not alienate the pre-existing child. Why is it that men are expected to take on existing children but for women it’s this massive ask? they are expected to take on their own children. I wouldn't expect a man to parent another person's child. It's the expect that causes the issues.

I’m not going into the rights and wrongs of my fathers relationship as I do agree he should have left years ago at the first sniff of nonsense.

There is the expectation that another non-related person will parent especially if they are a man joining the existing family. Benefits are reduced for the additional income etc… I wouldn’t live with a person who wouldn’t accept the existing children (the expectation to love them like their own is not there as that is ridiculous) but I would expect them to treat them as equal as possible.

This isn’t about spending the same amount of money etc but not actively excluding them. Buying really thoughtful presents for one child and not another is not on.

The op is openly stating that she resents the existing children. She needs to either deal with those feelings or leave. Having others justify those feelings are not helpful and are likely harming children.

Why is it that men are expected to take on existing children but for women it’s this massive ask?

1. Huge generalisation
2. IME men are not expected to ‘take on’ existing children. And certainly based on the bulk of the threads on here, if there are existing children on the mothers side, the mother continues to take responsibility when the children are in the home. Including school runs, sorting childcare etc. i certainly did. I expected nothing from my exDP and I had my children 60% of the time.
3. For me, the extra my exDP consistently tried to demand of me was a ‘massive’ ask actually. I run a house, have my kids 60% of the time and work FT outside the home. He had his kids EOW, that’s it. And even with that little contact, others needed to help. Why? It’s so little and yet help is still needed.

As fas as I’m aware of step parents, it’s step fathers who generally do more of the caring for step children

Again based on my experience and threads on here, I don’t see that reflected.

How would you feel if step dads said well I’ll only contribute 1/3 to the households costs as I’m only a third of the people in here of 1/4 etc? I’m sure you’d be up in arms

No I wouldn’t be actually. And again, huge sweeping generalisation. My exp never lived with me but would spend time here, especially when we were going strong. Contributed sweet FA. That’s what I was up in arms about actually.
Also on plenty of threads it is evidenced that women say that their partner / spouse contributes less if there are resident children whom are not the spouses. In actual fact there have even been examples that where the bulk of the costs for resident child (that is a joint child) are being met by the mother as the father continues to financially prioritise his other children.

The majority of the issues are caused by men/ NR parents. And I’m sorry but if the SM was actively removing photos of you, then your father should have taken her to task and if it didn’t get better, left. I wouldn’t tolerate that shit with my kids for a second (and I didn’t when my exp time and again attempted to put in a dual system where his NR children took priority over mine).

Parental responsibility sits with the parents. If someone mistreats my child that’s on me to resolve. No one else.

I think you need to go to counselling to work through this OP, and have a frank discussion with your DP. It sounds like his behaviour and your reaction (or vice Versa!) Need addressing and working through - a calm, neutral counsellor will likely be the best route forwards for a solution to save your relationship

Also the pictures matter I have my own stepmother who ensures there are more pictures of her kids then me. It was the one physical thing I could point to when my dad was asking me why I stopped coming. She made me feel unwelcome in other subtle ways, but the pictures was the one he got as he couldn’t deny it

Sorry did your father not have any hands making him incapable of putting up pictures of you?

I find the suggestion that step father's are expected to do more care laughable as well. It probably seems that way. But only because it's women or mothers in general who are subject to higher expectations when it comes to childcare. A mother living with her partner (step father) is still likely going to be doing the bulk of the childcare like most women do. And no one bats an eye at that because it's normal. Step dad just gets to be fun, kind, maybe help out every now and then and he's gods gift.

You only have to read the boards here to know how many step mothers are dumped with the "mum duties" as soon as they become stepmothers to understand that actually no, far more is expected (unfairly) of step mothers. And posters on here actually think you're wrong not to do it as well! It's a joke.

Neither step father's OR mother's should be expected to take on all the parenting for their SC. But I'm certainly not having that MORE is expected of step father's. Not a chance. When, in any situation involving children, is MORE generally expected of men? Never that's when.

Threads like these make me so sad, those poor children, 50% of thier lives spent with someone who resents them. Sort it out OP, get councilling or break up with your DP, this attempt at blending isn't working and will harm all the children involved if you continue.

@sassbott I have had similar experiences to yours. Although tbf the ex happily did childcare for me and would mark out my work events on his calendar so he knew better than me what days he had my DS.
However, my issue was him not handling his ex very well. Her demands were never put through the unreasonable meter. There was a big age gap between the children and most things we did were for the older (his) child on the weekdays they were around but she moaned that things were only done for ‘the baby’ (my toddler) and he came back and repeated it as a relevant complaint. He was lost not long after, I was fed up of dragging a toddler around events/spaces designed for teenagers anyway and he needed to not capitulate to his exes every demand. I didn’t make it my personal objective to alienate his child, I just moved on with my life.

Both of our experiences are from an EOW perspective, op has the children 50/50. They are very much part of the package when they are they that often. Both your ex and mine were unreasonable to expect more/better experiences for their own child. It doesn’t sound like this is the case in the OP

I don’t think it’s too much of an expectation for people to either accept the existing children or not pursue a relationship. Also I note that the OP isn’t being expected to do any of the things the PP are saying but is being asked to not load the house with pictures of only one child etc.. these are reasonable requests, if a partner wanted pictures of their best friends dog I would facilitate that (mainly as I would want a specific type of frame).

@GizmosEveningBath

Threads like these make me so sad, those poor children, 50% of thier lives spent with someone who resents them. Sort it out OP, get councilling or break up with your DP, this attempt at blending isn't working and will harm all the children involved if you continue.

Bit harsh, OP has reached out for help with her feelings so she is aware she needs to learn to cope with it some how.

is being asked to not load the house with pictures of only one child etc.. these are reasonable requests it's not if he's not going, ok right you get some photos of DC sorted and I'll do DSC's, oh actually why don't we do DC's together and then we can work out where to put them together.

If he is leaving DC's photos and not showing any interest at all in any photos of any of his kids then that's not OP's issue.

@OnlyInOne

I find the suggestion that step father's are expected to do more care laughable as well. It probably seems that way. But only because it's women or mothers in general who are subject to higher expectations when it comes to childcare. A mother living with her partner (step father) is still likely going to be doing the bulk of the childcare like most women do. And no one bats an eye at that because it's normal. Step dad just gets to be fun, kind, maybe help out every now and then and he's gods gift.

You only have to read the boards here to know how many step mothers are dumped with the "mum duties" as soon as they become stepmothers to understand that actually no, far more is expected (unfairly) of step mothers. And posters on here actually think you're wrong not to do it as well! It's a joke.

Neither step father's OR mother's should be expected to take on all the parenting for their SC. But I'm certainly not having that MORE is expected of step father's. Not a chance. When, in any situation involving children, is MORE generally expected of men? Never that's when.

More compared to the step mother. You are being ridiculous if you think a woman who sees the child 2/14 does more caring than a man who sees them 12/14 and generally EOW is the norm.

Actually from my experience my recent ex has done more caring then my DSs actual dad.

Why would you invite someone into your life that makes extra work for you? These are issues that should have been ironed out before adding another child/ getting married. It’s the children that become the victims in this and once again the OP isn’t being asked to parent these children just not treat them as second class citizens in the home they are in 50% of the time.