I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

It might sound harsh but OP is an adult, children cannot live with someone in the house who feels that way about them. She needs to do something (more productive then a mumsnet post) and she needs to do it quickly, before too much damage is done, the DSC will pick up on OP's feelings towards them.

Men are less likely to have their kids full time or even 50/50, it tends to be EOW or something similar. Therefore stepmums generally spend less time with their step kids than stepdads do.

In my experience, stepmums are expected to do more ‘housework’ type stuff for their step kids (like cooking meals, tidying up after them etc), but step dads are more likely to take on a ‘dad’ role and have the step kids call them ‘dad’, as with PP’s scenario.

@OnlyInOne

Also the pictures matter I have my own stepmother who ensures there are more pictures of her kids then me. It was the one physical thing I could point to when my dad was asking me why I stopped coming. She made me feel unwelcome in other subtle ways, but the pictures was the one he got as he couldn’t deny it

Sorry did your father not have any hands making him incapable of putting up pictures of you?

As stated up thread she was removing them. Also the context was there the pictures was the one physical thing that was undeniable about her she was purposely alienating me.

Once again though with the blaming of one person. There were two adults, why is her behaviour justifiable and his not? Hint: they are both wrong, her for her behaviour towards an 8 year old and his for not noticing it and dealing with it at the first instance.

@Testingprof anecdotally I believe you.

But you would be in the minority based on years worth of evidence studies re women and childcare responsibilities vs fathers, let alone applying that to step families which is even more complex and even based on the millions of posts on only on SP board but on relationship board and on single parents board.

Your experience is certainly not the norm, to profess that is the norm is wildly off base.

For instance I do really in my bones love my DSD. I didn't force it, I didn't get guilted into it, it just happened as love often does. I also didn't and don't examine it to closely.

This isn't the norm in step families for a variety of reasons, personality, situational ect now if I was to go around saying I love my DSD and everyone else should do or they are failing I would be completely tone deaf to the fact that actually I did nothing absolutely diddly to contribute to that connection being there, it just was.
I would also say truthfully it has some downsides because there are, and I don't see it as some holy grail I must achieve to be considered good enough.

But I know that for my situation to be created it's completely and utterly taken a lot of elements to come together which had they not been there, I perphase wouldn't feel the same.

I'm sure someone's gonna come along and say I have no right to say that about my DSD and I have no right but the situation is what it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

Disclaimer* Also anyone reading this feeling any type of shame for not feeling a certain way based on what I have shared here please don't. You cannot control feelings and you certainly have limited control in blended families to change dynamics that may have set you out in a stead which you would never get to the same place. It's possibly that me and my DSD bar a few quirks are similar personality wise and that's made is easier. Neither one of us can control that.

@Testingprof I had that as well!!

My stepmum actually took photos of us down or out of their frames, and replaced them with photos of her own kids & family. We had loads of collage style photos everywhere, we weren’t in any of them 😂

@GizmosEveningBath

It might sound harsh but OP is an adult, children cannot live with someone in the house who feels that way about them. She needs to do something (more productive then a mumsnet post) and she needs to do it quickly, before too much damage is done, the DSC will pick up on OP's feelings towards them.

Yes she's a adult, she's probably got a lot of hormones running around the shop, she posted on MN and has taken a real lashing because she's clearly in a bad way.

Would you prefer her to not reach out for help at all ? You may not think posting on MN very productive but at least it was a step in the right way.

One step in right direction is still movement. You don't need to be unkind here.

Once again though with the blaming of one person. There were two adults, why is her behaviour justifiable and his not?

Because he was your parent. I'm not suggesting she was a saint but no I don't think both of them were equally responsible for ensuring there were pictures up around the house of you.

Even in the practical sense, I have access to far more pictures of my son than I do my step children.

It's just another thing creeping into the wife work territory. Oh the women should be making the house pretty, putting up the pictures, can't expect the dad to do that.

My Dad lives alone and surprisingly he's still managed to get some pictures of me on the wall. I wouldn't expect any new girlfriend of his to start putting pictures of me up around the house, why would she?

I agree she shouldn't have been taking them down though. That is cruel.

Again, your father should have left. My anger would have been directed there personally. People are mean sometimes. No it's not okay or justifiable. But I'd be far more upset at the betrayal of my parent for staying with someone who was like that to me.

Anyway, there's not even been any suggestion on here that there are tonnes of photos up of DC and none of DSC.

Yes EOW is very different to 50/50 but neither are dynamics I would sign up to having lived my experience now.

The other thing here is, people feel the way they feel. It’s that simple. If we all had crystal balls that predicted xyz will happen in 2 years, perhaps we would make different choices. I know I would have done. But as someone who has dipped my toes into the water of step parenting? I didn’t ever imagine I would feel the way I did. I didn’t think I would struggle with the things I struggled with. And for the longest time I listened to my exp’s rhetoric that I was the problem as opposed to realising that I wasn’t actually. He was. His behaviours, his language, his entitlement, his complete inability to assess all the childrens needs and factor all the pieces in, not just look at his kids needs and insist that everyone fit around them.

It’s hard. I worked so hard at trying to make it work. My emotional and mental health took a firm battering. I went to counsellors. All because I was beating myself up for feeling the way I did about it all. When there was nothing wrong with any of it.

It’s easy to say leave. But emotionally it’s not that easy. These situations are complex and personally? I think more empathy is required. Because the more honesty there is around these difficult topics, the more awareness there is and more chances of finding solutions.

Personally? I’m glad I’m out of that relationship. I don’t miss him or his vast entitlement. I feel sad that ties have been cut with the children, but that comes with the territory and we all just need to move on. Never again will I seek to even consider living with another persons child/ ren. It’s not for me.

Why would you invite someone into your life that makes extra work for you?

What extra work? Parenting your own child because your partner won't isn't having extra work created for you.

In my experience, stepmums are expected to do more ‘housework’ type stuff for their step kids (like cooking meals, tidying up after them etc), but step dads are more likely to take on a ‘dad’ role and have the step kids call them ‘dad’, as with PP’s scenario

It depends on the specific scenario. If taking on a "Dad" role involves going out to work whilst your partner takes care of her children and you come home, maybe read them a story, play a game or whatever then it's not exactly difficult is it. Even when step father's are taking on the "Dad" role, you can guarantee it's still the mother most of the time doing the school run, washing the clothes, the doctor trips, the general household mother and wife work. Let's not pretend in general being a Dad is anywhere near as hard as being a mother when it comes to actual care of the child. In most situations it's the Mum who does most of the care for the children, and I don't see why that would be any different in a step situation.

@OnlyInOne

I agree she shouldn't have been taking them down though. That is cruel.

Again, your father should have left. My anger would have been directed there personally. People are mean sometimes. No it's not okay or justifiable. But I'd be far more upset at the betrayal of my parent for staying with someone who was like that to me.

Anyway, there's not even been any suggestion on here that there are tonnes of photos up of DC and none of DSC.

My anger is correctly directed at both. They both behaved in a way that lead to me being harmed and as stated up thread it was the one physical proof I had of her alienating me and the one I cared least about. The name calling (whispered into my ear), the lies about how I’d misbehaved during the day, the lies about me when I wasn’t even there. I haven’t made it her problem to find pictures of me (but incidentally they were pictures of events I’d been at and one she’d cut me out of the picture of the three children taken especially by my dad so there was a picture of all three of us). I used it as an example of how the behaviour is damaging and how it can be framed to seem reasonable when it is anything but.

It’s not wife work to be expected to not be an arsehole.

Like I said I have far more empathy and sympathy for the children involved the adults can and should walk away if they can’t behave in a way that isn’t damaging to the children.

@OnlyInOne

Why would you invite someone into your life that makes extra work for you?

What extra work? Parenting your own child because your partner won't isn't having extra work created for you.

Oh it can be. If there are two children and two adults and both adults require childcare it is extra work to expect both of them independently to find childcare as why should they each do something for a child that they aren’t related to. That is the level of ridiculousness some here are wanting.

Like I said I have far more empathy and sympathy for the children involved the adults can and should walk away if they can’t behave in a way that isn’t damaging to the children

I would argue that the person who was being most damaging re children in my ex relationship was my exp. Complete lack of healthy parenting. Complete inability to healthily ground his children vs teaching them that the world revolved around them. Complete inability to explain that others had needs and those needs needed to be factored in. I could go on.

Should he walk away from his children?

9 times out if 10, the adult causing the situation is the parent on these boards. Through inappropriate expectations, Disney parenting, unboundaried relationships with exes (which they are complicit in), the list is endless.

And if core dysfunction/ skewed behaviours are bought into the world of a healthier human being, it is very overwhelming and disorientating. Hence difficult emotions.

I went through a phase of really not enjoying any time with my exp’s DC. Was it them? No. It was him and his parenting.

@sassbott I can see your point and I am minded to agree with you but this is not the case that is being described by the OP.

@candlelightsatdawn what exactly have I said that is wrong? What does being 'kind' look like in this scenario? Validation? It's OK to feel this way about children who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it?

The DSC, being teenagers, also have hormones rushing about, thier brains are also doing weird things they weren't doing before. Unlike the OP though, they have little choice in thier circumstances, they didn't choose add the OP into thier family, they didn't choose the new baby.

All I am saying is that this cannot continue, OP has to get counselling, if her feelings don't change then she needs to do the right thing and leave/ask her DP to leave. Even if OP feels she is coping with the feelings months or years down the line, it is very obvious to all the children which ones are disliked and it does them serious harm.

It's still not EXTRA work. You'd have to find childcare for your existing children whether you were married or single.

What you mean is you think being with a partner should make your life easier. I don't disagree but it's not EXTRA work they are creating for you that you wouldn't have to do if they weren't around.

@Testingprof Like I said I have far more empathy and sympathy for the children involved the adults can and should walk away if they can’t behave in a way that isn’t damaging to the children.

Then a lot of parents by that logic should walk away from their children because as the creators of that life they hold the ultimate responsibility for being accountable for their actions.

We need to stop pretending these men have a gun to their head for creating situations that they are quite able to get out of. Although it's much easier to burn the witch than actually you know look at objective facts.

The op is openly stating that she resents the existing children. She needs to either deal with those feelings or leave.

This part is true however this statement Having others justify those feelings are not helpful and are likely harming children contradicts it. Understanding why these feelings are biologically natural and discussing them is how these feelings can be addressed and dealt with. Pretending that they don't exist and ignoring them is only going to make the situation worse for everyone involved. Saying thay the OP is an awful person for feeling the way she does isn't helpful and doesn't help her to do anything to overcome how she's feeling. Supporting the OP with how she feels isn't the same as saying, "oh that's fine, just treat your SC like shit then."
I was/am in the same position as the OP. I was only able to overcome the feelings I was having by discussing them openly and honestly with my partner, prior to that I discussed with others on here which helped me to process my thoughts. Those discussions helped massively and have put us as a family in a much better place. Trying to shut down discussions like this or just brushing them off as horrible actively blocks opportunities for people to address their feelings about what is happening in their lives and really isn't helpful to anyone, including the DSC who those doing it claim to be concerned about.

@GizmosEveningBath She needs to do something (more productive then a mumsnet post) and she needs to do it quickly, before too much damage is done,

The kindness lies in the difference between criticism and constructive Criticism because it's very easy as you pointed in your original post out to say "your not doing enough or being productive" but then offer no other form of what productive is 😵‍💫

Your later post suggests counselling which is a very good idea.

I would also suggest since op has been suggested that she's like that SM that killed that poor boy , I personally feel the message has been drilled into her that how she's feelings will negatively impact the kids and she's acknowledged this is a issue and bleeding asked for help. A pile on won't help, constructive advice will.

It's like saying to someone "aren't you fat" and that person saying "yes I am, help" and just repeating the fact it's unhealthy. Great but not exactly helpful is it.

I agree Berry. Saying something is natural / normal and discussing ways you can move on is not the same as saying "oh it's totally fine just be as horrible as you like".

Whether you like it or not, it IS natural and pretty normal (and even understandable from a biological POV) to feel this way. We need to be more open about that if anything not less so.

Obviously it can't continue, and obviously there needs to be something done to ensure these feelings done escalate or cause emotional harm to the DC but just labelling someone horrible and abnormal for having them isn't helpful.

People get emotional about this subject because it involves talking in a not so nice way about children and I get that. But it needs to be discussed if anyone has any chance of moving on from and understanding it.

She needs to do something (more productive then a mumsnet post)

And as PP said, a MN post may not be enough but it's still a step in the right direction.

Do you tell poster's asking for advice about other subjects that they should be more productive than a MN post?

@candlelightsatdawn what you and pp are missing and assuming is that I/others lay the blame solely at the OP/SM but the truth is I lay the blame at both for differing reasons and your same statement can he used. She has not got a gun to her head making her stay.

I normally don’t agree with the posters who state that MN is happy to blame men but and excuse women but in this thread it is quite clear that posters believe it is ok for a woman to behave however she wishes as it’s for the dad to stop/sort and if he doesn’t want to challenge his hormonal newly given birth parent he’s the arsehole (and presumable if he does challenge that poor woman he’s an arsehole instead).

@OnlyInOne there are plenty of times where having an extra person and children in tow can make extra work, DS eats what is put in front of him exDPs DC did not. I wasn’t about to cook two/three meals so exDP cooked on the days his DC was around as I didn’t want the extra work. I used an example of being able to combine workload as having an extra body automatically creates extra work (more clothes that need washing/ more dishes/ more food prep etc) so when workload can be combined not doing so is creating extra work for one or both people and personally why bother with a partnership where you only look out for yourself.

@Testingprof Your anger is correctly directed at both because your SM was directly being unkind to you. That's not the case here. There is a huge difference between taking pictures of your SC down, and having no issue with them being there but not wanting to be the one to have to go about doing it.

It would not be reasonable to blame both adults for their not being pictures of you up, unless the SM was actively preventing it like she was in your case.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP, and sorry some people have been so unkind in their responses. The fact you’re recognising this means you’re actually a good SM.

I’ve been in DSD life since she was born (I wasn’t OW) and so we’ve always been close BUT our relationship did change when DC came along. DH started Disney dadding and really struggled to cope with the dynamic/guilt/over compensating and that was often reflected onto me. Having a baby changes dynamics of a relationship massively, that’s hugely increased with DSC relationships too.

The thing that changed for me is that I realised how unique and special the relationship a mum and DC have. As much as DSD and I love each other, I’m not her mum and I will never have that relationship with her. I stopped striving for that and just accepted that what will be, will be and DSD slots in with my own kids. No red carpet treatment that happened before DC.

The thing I found to be careful of is resentment if you’re expected to behave a certain way towards DSC or that you’re being told what you’re doing isn’t good enough. That can lead to you feeling resentful towards DSD when it’s actually DH causing the problem.

Counselling can really help, Ive been to a few sessions on my own and DH has attended a couple of sessions. It seemed to help 🤷🏻‍♀️