I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

I hear you OP.
I felt quite differently about DSS when DS came along. DSS lived with us full time though so the situation was a little different.
I still loved and cared for him though. I kept most of my thoughts to myself but I did feel resentful of not having that special first born time with DS. For example, once DS was born I was literally doing the school run for DSS within a week. I'd had a serious post partum haemorrhage too so felt drained and overwhelmed.
As time went on I found it easier if I promoted the relationship between DSS and DS, because if they were in a single family and a new sibling came along they'd have to learn a new routine and to share the attention. When they start having 'their thing' that they do as siblings then it does get easier. It sounds as though DH is the problem here. He needs to stop drawing attention to the DSCs that they have arrived and have been elsewhere and they get special treatment and instead spend as much time as a family unit as he can. Sometimes it needs to be boring and mundane and just normal. If you feel less resentful then you will feel less protective about your dc and happier generally with the blended family.
It's the treading of eggshells that is a bit soul destroying. I have been through that and mainly out the other side now as DSS is almost an adult - it does get easier

@aSofaNearYou to be honest I think if posters were coming at it from a truly child centric perspective, they would consider all the children involved in these dynamics.

They wouldn't hyper focus on SC and ignore any other child on the mix and call them cuckoos - I mean the irony of people saying this when (cuckoos are literally chicks of a bird that come into a nest and a bird that's not there mum is forced to look after them at the detriment of their own chicks is deeply ironic) I don't think people get how ironic this is. Considering most SC have two nests, and any RC has only one.

Won't you think of the children vibe actually only means "won't you think of the SC don't worry about RC they are just a cuckoo". It's apologist, it's annoying and it removes any accountability from the parents of the first family from being responsible for the damage they caused at break up.

I'm responsible for handling the break up of my first marriage and impact that has on DD and so is my ex. That's not something I would ever expect a SM to fix. I don't often call the mum card but I know that responsibility lies with me.

Idk though some of the posters on here seem to be able to excuse their dads bad behaviour and blame it on the SM because it's easier than facing that their own dad caused a lot of hurt. I can understand a child thinking like that but it's always weird from my perspective when adults think like that and then try and force that anger on to random strangers on MN but shaming them for having feelings

Being a mum and a SM has made me so aware of the things I can say about my DD and the things I can't say as a SM, unless I of course I'm talking to another SM who you know gets it.

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

@Mufasa1118

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience but this is getting ridiculous now and you are actually coming across really, really badly.

Your opinion loses all credibility at this point:

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

Because this is how most people feel and is completely normal. It is not disgusting at all, it is life. Most people do not love other people's children as much as their own.

OP does not need to rewrite her post to satisfy your bizarre desire for it to be from the SCs perspective. It's completely and utterly irrelevant. In the real world, adults are allowed to discuss THEIR feelings and experiences. What you're saying isn't necessary, and if it pains you so much to see the perfectly normal thing that is adults talking amongst themselves about their feelings, then perhaps you should become a child therapist rather than frequenting an adult chat board, because that is what this is for. It is completely unhelpful and a waste of everyone's time for you to comment over and over again that you HATE IT WHEN ADULTS TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!! Tough titties. That is what this forum is for.

@CornishGem1975

I have no advice but I feel exactly the same.

I would definately feel like this if I had SC... very hard for you

@Mufasa1118

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

It’s not disgusting at all🙄. Very weird comment. Of course OP is going to care more about her DD than her SC.... very normal

Oh @LolaJune I feel so sorry for you & your DH & your dsc it's shit, isn't it? Your feelings are normal but crappy. Your dsc are in a horrid position & they WILL sense it. Your sh sounds a good guy & will absolutely be sending it & he will be 💯 protective of his kids. He feels about them the way you do about your dd. It's easier if you remind yourself of this.

I don't have answers but wanted to offer a handhold & suggest telling him & counselling.

I'm with my partner & he has 3 adult kids (all in their 30's - with kids of their own) & I really don't like his children. They're insufferable tbh. Self centred, & I just have nothing in common with them. I hate myself for feeling this way, would love to like them. (I love love love my step grand kids) but I just don't.
They're needy & selfish & treat their dad like shit & one of them has a horrific wife. Other 2 have lovely partners funnily enough. Much too nice for them tbh.
They're jealous of my dd even though she's just a little girl. Actually complained to hi. about the fact I put a picture on fb of him & dd
I literally despair. In my private thoughts, I wish they would disappear in a puff of smoke. Reality is they won't & thank god I don't have to live with them. Phew.

You however chose to marry a man with little people. You need to pull your head out your ass, get counselling & get over yourself a bit. These feelings are utterly normal & you gave my every sympathy but when it turns into actions rather than feelings- you're on dodgy ground & could ruin your marriage & your dd could end up the resented sc.
do not indulge your feelings, you're a decent person, you know your being shitty.
Woman up & sort it & yourself out - pronto.

As for the photos I guarantee you that if you have another child you will never ever ever think it's ok to have loads of photos of one of your kids & not the other. Your oh is being normal.

Screw the nut. I've had to. It's hard as hell but you have to.

@beachcitygirl The trouble with the "he feels the same way about his kids as you do about yours" argument when said to a step parent is that they are generally concerned about their partner's treatment of their SHARED child, whereas the partner is concerned about the step parents treatment of a child that is only theirs. It isn't comparable, unreasonable expectations are far more likely that way around.

The problem is not that he wanted more pictures of his kids, it's that he expected OP to be bothered about it too. And all of the wider problems that mentality can create.

Your post claims to be supportive but actually is pretty judgemental, especially given that your feelings about your SC are far worse.

@Mufasa1118

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

The irony of screaming what about the children - when ironically all you actually screaming about is the SC.

You clearly have 0 consideration for any other person or being in this dynamic.

You need to work on that you really do.

You know what really bothers me if when people come to this board and comment on a situation from one dynamic and refuses to look at all sides of the coin. It's projection if you can't justifiably look at the other side project your issues on to the Op and it shows lack of critical thinking.

You know this OP has been really dammed brave with what she's said here. She's considered SC and her own DD and also DH. She's recognised she needs help so has asked for it and in return has been compared to a baby killer ? Really ?

Feelings doesn't always mean actions. You cannot assume that the OP will or won't act on them. To jump to the thought she would means that you have issues you need to deal with, obviously a lot of posters come at a post like this and find it triggering, but your emotions are not for the OP to manage.

If you want discuss your feelings start a post. OP has been brave enough to do so, I suggest PP do the same and take the risk of being battered. Or is it only ok when you can hide behind OPs issues and not deal with your own.

I'm so confused, what on earth is abnormal about caring more for your own children? Is this not just 99.9% of parents? Regardless of these feelings I'll never care or love my SC the same as DD. I'll accept some of my feelings expressed here are unreasonable but not that one sorry.

@LolaJune just to put this in to perspective for you. This board is sometimes haunted by regular posters (who aren't SM or sometimes even mums) who like to spout the same comments (regardless of what a OP has put) and generally work through their own issues on some unsuspecting poster which is what you found here.

Please ignore - it reflects for on that poster than it does anyone else. Your feelings in this regard are totally normal and I say this as a mum, a SM and a SC.

Please don't take this to heart.

@candlelightsatdawn well said

And really not getting the problem with me posting about how I feel. It's literally a post to discuss how I feel. I'm sure my SC do have their own feelings on the matter, I'm asking for advice on how I feel though..

@frazzledasarock

I think you need to sit down and tell your DH that your DD deserves the love and one and on one connection with you that his older DC have with their mum and maternal side of the family.

It’s lovely your parents give your DH’s older DC gifts, but they in no way need to match the gift giving to the level they give their own GC. So long as the DSC are not sitting there with a bar of chocolate whilst your DD is surrounded by presents, it’s fine.

If you want to step back and let your DH parent his DC when they’re around that’s fine too, they’re there to see him.

Also I’d there’s a big age graph between DSC & your DD, so you absolutely can go out and do things with your DD without your DSC as the interests and developmental stages are miles apart.
And your DD needs to go through the petting zoo, soft play, play dates, baby classes stage.

Your DH can’t argue that as his DC will have had that all too at the appropriate ages.

Doesn't the baby get one-on-one time 50% of the time?

I guess the question is, do you want to try and work through the way you feel to become more accepting of your SC again?

It's a different situation as my eldest DD's biological father has never had anything to do with her but fwiw what you're describing would be a deal breaker for me. I could not have DH treating her any differently than our youngest. What happens if it becomes a deal breaker for your DH and you're in a situation of your DD splitting her time 50/50 with you?

I'm not going to pile on and have a go at you but given you've admitted you know your feelings aren't rational, that they aren't nice and you'd hate for your own DD to be in their position I struggle to see why you would seek help now to work through your feelings.

Your SC may come to resent your DD because you've changed your behaviour towards them so much since she came along. That is going to be a really tough situation if it goes that way. I feel sad for all of you.

Wouldn't seek help now*

@Mufasa1118 your comments are now just ludicrous.

It is biology 101 that parents are 100% designed and programmed to categorically love and nurture their children over and above anyone else’s children. There are decades of studies based on core evolution that prove so. If there was a fire at my kids school, am I going to run in and save the first child I see? No, probably not. If I’m running into a burning building it’s to save MY child.

Nothing remotely odd or abnormal about that. It’s thoroughly normal and expected actually. IME the only people who trot out this nonsense ideology that all children are equal are incredibly entitled/ narcissistic parents who actually benefit from their children being mini deities wherever they go. Or it’s wind up merchants who come on here to get people biting.

This BS rhetoric is so incredibly harmful. It explains why so many people are entitled to think this is what they can ram down peoples throats.
My children will always come first. Then come my nephews nieces from my siblings. And aside from being polite, warm and welcoming to my friends children/ my childrens friends - other peoples children really are not my concern.

Oh and yes. That BLEW my exp’s mind when we were together and had clear conversations about wills etc. That In the awful event that I and my children died? My inheritance passed to my nieces and nephews. Not him, not his kids. Why would it? Why would I give my earnings to children I am not related to and have absolutely no PR over? Vs nephews and nieces I have helped raise since they were born and whom I live dearly (and in ways I would never feel for any partners child).

The above thinking is completely natural and normal. Only entitled parents who’d like their kids to free handouts seem to think otherwise.

@Mufasa1118

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

I agree completely.

It’s obvious how little OP is considering the feelings of the SDC. They only get their dad half of the time, DD lives with him full time. He should be going out of his way to give them attention when they’re with him so they don’t feel left out. OP is clearly hugely jealous about this, hence the comments about her not wanting her parents to treat them equally either. She hates it.

Shame on her.

Only entitled parents who’d like their kids to free handouts seem to think otherwise.

I don't think this is true and is entirely dependent on relationship and how finances are handled. All of our money is shared, we are joint owners of our home. In the event one of us dies the other would inherit and if we both died DD's would inherit equally.

That is what we both decided and actually there wasn't even a real discussion on it. You're generalising to suit the way you decided to handle things, and there is nothing wrong with your decision. Someone doing it differently isn't wrong either though.