I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

I believe this is quite normal, many people suddenly can't stand their pets. I personally felt aversions to pretty much everyone in the early days of my daughter. Just that instinct to keep your young safe. Just remind yourself that it's temporary and try not to do anything rash would be my advice

The problem is not that he wanted more pictures of his kids, it's that he expected OP to be bothered about it too. And all of the wider problems that mentality can create
The matter of pictures comes up regularly.

SMs' view is that why shod they care to put pictures about their SCs when they are not hers and therefore it's the responsibility of the father.

The father sees it that's its not about being a parent to them but the siblings of the child whose picture is being put up and families don't normally put up pictures of one sibling but not the others.

There is no right or wrong. Some SCs would be upset by it and feel excluded, others wouldn't care at all.

In terms of caring, I think the poster meant treating children differently under your care, for instance, giving their child the expensive favoured treat and the SCs cheap stuff they don't like.

It's nothing to do with loving your own child more, that's an evidence that you will always love and care more for your own children.

I'd be the same op and I knew it before I was ever even thinking of starting a family.

No way in hell would I even date a guy with kids before I had my own let alone have one with him. I knew I was far too selfish. Having now finally had a child I know I was right. I'd be livid if I had to share my love with children that weren't mine.

You have a choice to make now. Either you end your marriage so that you no longer have to deal with them or you sort your shit out and get back on track because they will resent you later and it will cause a divide - one that will affect your daughter in years to come.

@LolaJune

The unique relationship with grandparents is abit strange I'm one of 13 grandchildren my grandparents a sadly past away during COVID some of those children are not biological grandchildren but they are loved and treated exactly the same they had exactly the same as us left in the will.

Not sure if this is related or not but I'm an only child so my daughter is their only GC. I understand lots of people have multiple grandchildren/cousins etc.. but DD and my parents don't.

You being an only child explains a lot.

Time to grow up OP.

@Killthewinewitchnow _*OP is clearly hugely jealous about this, hence the comments about her not wanting her parents to treat them equally either. She hates it.

Shame on her.*_

Question jealous of what ? She wants her DD to have a special relationship with her parents. Which she will do and a SC will never be able to mimic that.

That's a fact. This isn't equal is it because if it was DD would be getting the same from DM extended family. Ahh I but I bet equality doesn't swing both ways.

Shame on you for kicking someone when they are down. She's asking for help and in clearly a bad mental state. Who does that to someone ?

@WeeHaggisFace your post is a little ambiguous, so apologies but it’s unclear as to whether you have a set up whereby the surviving spouse remains in the house until their death and then the estate reverts to respective children 50/50 (or whatever portions are determined). Or whether you are saying that all assets are left to the spouse and then the surviving spouse has given their word that remaining assets go equally between remaining children?

I presume you each have a child/ children that predates the relationship?

[quote candlelightsatdawn]**@Killthewinewitchnow* _OP is clearly hugely jealous about this, hence the comments about her not wanting her parents to treat them equally either. She hates it.

Shame on her.*_

Question jealous of what ? She wants her DD to have a special relationship with her parents. Which she will do and a SC will never be able to mimic that.

That's a fact. This isn't equal is it because if it was DD would be getting the same from DM extended family. Ahh I but I bet equality doesn't swing both ways.

Shame on you for kicking someone when they are down. She's asking for help and in clearly a bad mental state. Who does that to someone ?

[/quote]
She is jealous of the attention gives his DC as opposed to their shared DD and it’s filtering out through other relationships too (grandparents)

And don’t come at me with that crap about ‘beating someone when they’re down’ OP is not distressed by her feelings. Her attitude is cold and hard faced. My concern is with the DSC in this situation only. They are the victims and have no control over their relationships. Unlike the OP.

My concern is with the DSC in this situation only.

Why no concern for OP's child also?

She is jealous of the attention gives his DC as opposed to their shared DD and it’s filtering out through other relationships too (grandparents)

Is it jealousy though to want all children to be treated equally by their father? Surely if the father was treating all of his children the same then OP wouldn't feel this way.

And don’t come at me with that crap about ‘beating someone when they’re down’ OP is not distressed by her feelings. Her attitude is cold and hard faced. My concern is with the DSC in this situation only.

Which is exactly why you have no business on a thread made by an adult to process their own feelings and experiences and should be thoroughly ashamed of your own conduct here.

@Mufasa1118

Threads like this do make me angry.

First of all it is horrible to care more for your own child then for any other child in your care. It is disgusting.

You got with that man knowing that he had two children.

THEY the stepchildren, are the vulnerable people in this situation. Not you OP.

You were able to decide to be their stepmother.
They were not able to choose you to be their stepmother. They had no choice.

I just can't bear adults going on about how they feel, and not think about how the stepchildren feel.

Op make a more balanced post.

Write how you feel.
And also write - how do you think the stepchildren feel .

Are they feeling stress about going between two houses?
Are they stressed and worried about you?
Are they stressed and worried about your dd?

Have you asked them how they feel?

Responses like this make me angry

@LolaJune

And really not getting the problem with me posting about how I feel. It's literally a post to discuss how I feel. I'm sure my SC do have their own feelings on the matter, I'm asking for advice on how I feel though..

Yes I think this point is lost on some posters though. Your post is about your feelings and how to cope. If you'd posted about the stepchildren I guarantee it would have been turned by some posters into "this isn't about them it's about your feelings, you're the one in the wrong". Unfortunately no matter what you say some people will turn it I to a way to attack you simply because they have their own issues or because they are bored. Please don't take it to heart. I hope you've found some useful posts.

@al1n

I believe this is quite normal, many people suddenly can't stand their pets. I personally felt aversions to pretty much everyone in the early days of my daughter. Just that instinct to keep your young safe. Just remind yourself that it's temporary and try not to do anything rash would be my advice

Good advice

@Mufasa1118

I really think they should do more research into this.

When a woman has her own child, and her partner has other children.

The woman has such a biological tie to her own child.
Isnt it very likely that she is going to hate the other children and be jealous them.

She is going to want her own child to get all the love and resources and she is not going to want the other children to have any.

In extreme cases the woman actually wants to kill the stepchild. Aka Emma Tustin

This scenario causes so many problems. And it causes the most problems for the stepchildren.

I believe that step parents should not be allowed around step children at all. They are total strangers to each other with no ties.

They need to think of the children's wellbeing and safety in this regard. Why make children be around an adult that doesn't like them or care about them, and make them be around that adult on a regular basis?

Luckily for me my step children disagree with you.

I wish people would stop referring to Arthur. That case should not be used as a stick to beat any SM who posts anything "negative" on here or who comes looking for advice. It's disgusting to use it frankly. Nothing said here suggests these children are going to be abused or murdered. Do you think someone who'd do that would be posting asking for advice,agreeing that their feelings are unreasonable and suggesting they'll go back to counselling to talk the issue through?

Unless you're about to tell me your name is Mother fucking Theresa I'll go ahead and assume you've all had thoughts and feelings that you're not exactly proud of from time to time. It doesn't make you an abusive murderer. Fuck off with that.

@Berrybear

My concern is with the DSC in this situation only.

Why no concern for OP's child also?

Because only the step children matter, you see.

@Killthewinewitchnow And don’t come at me with that crap about ‘beating someone when they’re down’ OP is not distressed by her feelings. Her attitude is cold and hard faced. My concern is with the DSC in this situation only. They are the victims and have no control over their relationships. Unlike the OP.

Your absolutely right you only are looking at DSC perspective on this and ignoring all others and seemly coming across incredibly ignorant. "Won't you think of the children" hand wringing (disclaimer but when I say children I only specifically care about SC).

Yes yes totally unbothered she's coming across, she's so unconcerned she's posted on MN for advice 😩 or maybe your just being selective about what your reading.

Bet you put "my inbox is always open" #mentalhealth - grim

@HapHapHapp

I wish people would stop referring to Arthur. That case should not be used as a stick to beat any SM who posts anything "negative" on here or who comes looking for advice. It's disgusting to use it frankly. Nothing said here suggests these children are going to be abused or murdered. Do you think someone who'd do that would be posting asking for advice,agreeing that their feelings are unreasonable and suggesting they'll go back to counselling to talk the issue through?

Unless you're about to tell me your name is Mother fucking Theresa I'll go ahead and assume you've all had thoughts and feelings that you're not exactly proud of from time to time. It doesn't make you an abusive murderer. Fuck off with that.

Quite. Can you imagine people commenting about parents that have murdered their children whenever a parent admits to struggling with parts of parenting? It wouldn't happen and would be referred to as extreme.

sassbott

So our wills state that the other would inherit 100% and then when that person dies our children will inherit equally (one being mine from a previous relationship and one shared)

I did say further up that I accept our situation is different in that DH has raised eldest DD as his own since she was 3 and she has no involvement with her biological Dad and hasn't since she was a baby. DH and eldest DD are probably closer than he is with younger DD who is biologically his as they share more common interests and will run together and play certain sports.

Like I said, I don't think there is a right and wrong way but the implication that people who think a 50/50 split of inheritance are somehow greedy and thinking their children are entitled to a free handout isn't a given.

We also don't subscribe to the idea that our children should inherit everything we currently have, we'll likely sell our family home and downsize and use the money to travel in later life.

HapHapHapp

Completely agree with your post and post like that should be removed as they would be if someone was spouting that on a thread where someone was suffering with PND. It's quite absurd really.

@Tattler2

Do you tell mums having a hard time that you wish they’d thought of the future before they got knocked up?

F’ing stepmum double standards off the scale again.

The OP was not looking for ways to overcome her feelings. She is looking for ppl to validate her feelings.
And adults piling in to complain that some posters are only thinking about the children and not the adult are mind staggeringly selfish.
The adults can make their own decisions. The children, being switched between households and being told to stay with someone who clearly resents them, have no choice in this at all.

@candlelightsatdawn

Great posts as always!

@WeeHaggisFace so basically your DH is ok with this and fully on board/ happy with the arrangement. In that situation I agree, the entitlement point is moot.

This isn’t about when two partners/ spouses are on the same page. It’s about when they aren’t. And one side feels that their child is being unfairly disadvantaged by what their spouse/ partner expects from them. Over children whom are not theirs.

I wouldn’t in a month of Sundays give my inheritance to children not related to me, simply because my partner ‘expects’ it. And that dynamic is what I refer to as entitlement.

No one gets to tell a parent how they should feel about their child and children not related to them. It’s entirely natural and normal for people to want to prioritise their biological child. Some may not and again, good on them.

The key here is choice and acceptance of someone’s feelings. Vs being told ‘you’re not normal. I think it’s entirely normal tbh.