I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

There is no "bait and switch" here

@Tattler2

In fairness to OP's partner, her feelings about her expectations about the uniqueness of the grandparent experience is perfectly valid. However, I would bet that this position is not one that she shared with het partner prior to having a child with him. He too should have had the opportunity to determine if this was a part of something that he could comfortably accept.

No right or wrong just openness and honesty in relationships. Openness and honesty leads to less bait and switch.

Has it ever occurred to you that there is no bait and switch?

Maybe people don’t have a crystal ball and don’t know they will feel like this til they hear their parents worrying they might offend their son in law by buying presents for their grandchild.

These feelings probably won’t stop and will likely escalate. It sounds like you are building resentment towards your SC which isn’t good all round. Maybe you should have some counselling and look at how you deal with your change of feelings towards your SC and your general relationship with them, now that your DD is in the picture. If you used to be quite involved with them and are not now, they will be very aware of this. And perhaps your DH is hyper-aware of this, hence why he is focusing on them not feeling left out. This could lead to a lot of pain and relationships breaking down in future if not worked on.

I say this as having been the SC whose SP said ‘I don’t want to be llamakoala’s Mum anymore’ after having married my Dad and having another baby. The way this manifested in her behaviour toward me was horrific and there have been all sorts of troubles and rifts in our family as a result.
Better to talk to someone and nip it in the bud.

These feelings probably won’t stop and will likely escalate. I disagree. The more times OP sees her child and the DSC interacting it might get better. I know I found I was far less protective feeling around them when my child got older and when I'd had time to see them interacting and trust them more.

@llamakoala

These feelings probably won’t stop and will likely escalate. It sounds like you are building resentment towards your SC which isn’t good all round. Maybe you should have some counselling and look at how you deal with your change of feelings towards your SC and your general relationship with them, now that your DD is in the picture. If you used to be quite involved with them and are not now, they will be very aware of this. And perhaps your DH is hyper-aware of this, hence why he is focusing on them not feeling left out. This could lead to a lot of pain and relationships breaking down in future if not worked on.

I say this as having been the SC whose SP said ‘I don’t want to be llamakoala’s Mum anymore’ after having married my Dad and having another baby. The way this manifested in her behaviour toward me was horrific and there have been all sorts of troubles and rifts in our family as a result.
Better to talk to someone and nip it in the bud.

Projecting your own feelings as a stepchild like this isn’t helpful.

Maybe the husband should get counselling to stop turning everything into a competition where his older children must win. Maybe he should pick up the slack so the new mother can bond with the baby without feeing guilty.

@BurntToastAgain
Do you know of any life situation that comes with a crystal ball or certainty guarantee? I know of none. So that hardly makes step parenting in any ways unique. The reality is that there is a wealth of information available in various medias about step parenting positives, challenges, and related issues. This information is readily available to anyone who takes more than a moment to explore.

@KiloWhat

These feelings probably won’t stop and will likely escalate. I disagree. The more times OP sees her child and the DSC interacting it might get better. I know I found I was far less protective feeling around them when my child got older and when I'd had time to see them interacting and trust them more.

Yeah, maybe. It could go that way. I can only speak from what I experienced where things just went from bad to worse.

@Tattler2 how is this helpful to OP?

I think you need to sit down and tell your DH that your DD deserves the love and one and on one connection with you that his older DC have with their mum and maternal side of the family.

It’s lovely your parents give your DH’s older DC gifts, but they in no way need to match the gift giving to the level they give their own GC. So long as the DSC are not sitting there with a bar of chocolate whilst your DD is surrounded by presents, it’s fine.

If you want to step back and let your DH parent his DC when they’re around that’s fine too, they’re there to see him.

Also I’d there’s a big age graph between DSC & your DD, so you absolutely can go out and do things with your DD without your DSC as the interests and developmental stages are miles apart.
And your DD needs to go through the petting zoo, soft play, play dates, baby classes stage.

Your DH can’t argue that as his DC will have had that all too at the appropriate ages.

@llamakoala. I am very sorry it got worse for you. Your parent shouldn't have made your stepparent feel like they had had to be a "mum" for you in the first place.

@LolaJune - that sounds tough for you. I think I get it, you've got a baby who is rightly the centre of your world.

From what I understand from my friends who have multiple children, the second is quite a different experience from the first. I guess you're sort of being forced into the experience and considerations of having a third child, but when emotionally and practically you're actually on your first.

Your parents sounds lovely trying to do the right thing but I can see why it grates. With them I'd just be calmly honest and say that it's fine to treat the children differently because SCs have grandparents unique to them that will not treat your child at all. But it is a tough balance because obviously no one wants SCs excluded.

I'm currently pregnant with my first and have two stepchildren as well. I love my SCs dearly but I imagine that things will be tricky when baby is here and trying to navigate teenage concerns whilst wanting to protect and care for my baby will be a head fuck at the very least.

Have you talked to your partner about how you're feeling. Perhaps not saying that you hate being a stepmum now as that's probably going to upset him, but more broadly struggling to navigate the whole thing and feeling like you're missing out / compromising on your firstborn experience?

I agree with PP that leaving them all to it and going to baby groups for some of the time might help ease things. Also firm boundaries around it being your husband's job to equalise things and not yours.

@KiloWhat

These feelings probably won’t stop and will likely escalate. I disagree. The more times OP sees her child and the DSC interacting it might get better. I know I found I was far less protective feeling around them when my child got older and when I'd had time to see them interacting and trust them more.

It also depends very much on how the children’s father handles it.

It’s absolutely normal that new mothers are in protective mode about their babies. Predictable even. And there is no reason for the children’s father to cause problems related to that by being driven by his divorced dad guilt.

Also agree that simply ignore Tattler is the the way forward. She posts on every single Stepparent thread and is always inflammatory and unhelpful. So often the thread is entirely derailed and I think everyone just ignoring and refusing to tag or reply will probably be more helpful in terms of posters getting useful help and advice. No oxygen the way forward.

@BurntToastAgain agree completely. Dad needs to deal with his dad guilt and not force a relationship between OP and the DSC that isn't there. Just leave them be.

@frazzledasarock

I think you need to sit down and tell your DH that your DD deserves the love and one and on one connection with you that his older DC have with their mum and maternal side of the family.

It’s lovely your parents give your DH’s older DC gifts, but they in no way need to match the gift giving to the level they give their own GC. So long as the DSC are not sitting there with a bar of chocolate whilst your DD is surrounded by presents, it’s fine.

If you want to step back and let your DH parent his DC when they’re around that’s fine too, they’re there to see him.

Also I’d there’s a big age graph between DSC & your DD, so you absolutely can go out and do things with your DD without your DSC as the interests and developmental stages are miles apart.
And your DD needs to go through the petting zoo, soft play, play dates, baby classes stage.

Your DH can’t argue that as his DC will have had that all too at the appropriate ages.

This is all very good advice.

[quote Tattler2]@BurntToastAgain
Do you know of any life situation that comes with a crystal ball or certainty guarantee? I know of none. So that hardly makes step parenting in any ways unique. The reality is that there is a wealth of information available in various medias about step parenting positives, challenges, and related issues. This information is readily available to anyone who takes more than a moment to explore.[/quote]
Yet apparently women should share feelings they never knew they’d have with their partners in advance so they can make an informed decision.

How are you going to square this circle?

I read it that @IIamakoala was giving a heads up from a step child perspective rather than projection?

OP - most parents get are very protective over the children when they are born, and observe carefull to ensure they get fair play in general. Obviously this will play hugely into your relationship with your dsc.

Communication with dh is really the only way. Find out what his worries are, why he puts more emphasis on them when they come. It more than likely comes from a place of love and worry for his kids which is a good thing surely?

@OnceUponAThread

Also agree that simply ignore Tattler is the the way forward. She posts on every single Stepparent thread and is always inflammatory and unhelpful. So often the thread is entirely derailed and I think everyone just ignoring and refusing to tag or reply will probably be more helpful in terms of posters getting useful help and advice. No oxygen the way forward.

Good idea!

*carefully

@BurntToastAgain

I didn’t see anything in the OP’s posts about the husband turning everything into a competition where the older children must win. But if that is the case, then yes, sounds like he should get counselling too. Maybe joint counselling would be helpful. It’s interesting you say that I’m projecting here.

I chose to respond because of my concern that OP’s own feelings - if not dealt with - could manifest and cause a whole load of problems between herself and her DH, herself and her SC, her DD and her SC, and so on. Obviously we don’t operate in a bubble and we will react according to others’ behaviour and actions. So perhaps both of them could do with counselling, as we’ve both touched on.

Obviously OP’s situation isn’t the same as mine - but I’m just saying - I’ve seen feelings like this escalate. I’ve been on the receiving end. It’s not pleasant or conducive to healthy blended family environment and relations.

Not projecting, just giving my viewpoint. Take it or leave it.

I feel exactly the same. From the moment my sc walk through the door my mood changes. It feels as if I have two extra children to look after, cook for, clean up after and I massively resent it!

[quote llamakoala]@BurntToastAgain

I didn’t see anything in the OP’s posts about the husband turning everything into a competition where the older children must win. But if that is the case, then yes, sounds like he should get counselling too. Maybe joint counselling would be helpful. It’s interesting you say that I’m projecting here.

I chose to respond because of my concern that OP’s own feelings - if not dealt with - could manifest and cause a whole load of problems between herself and her DH, herself and her SC, her DD and her SC, and so on. Obviously we don’t operate in a bubble and we will react according to others’ behaviour and actions. So perhaps both of them could do with counselling, as we’ve both touched on.

Obviously OP’s situation isn’t the same as mine - but I’m just saying - I’ve seen feelings like this escalate. I’ve been on the receiving end. It’s not pleasant or conducive to healthy blended family environment and relations.

Not projecting, just giving my viewpoint. Take it or leave it.[/quote]
The OP says: DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

That’s setting up a competition where his older kids must win, and triggering the OP to fight to ensure the baby isn’t left out entirely by her father.

This is clearly how you feel and are real feelings.
It seems to be a reason why people with kids should avoid being with someone who doesnt have kids - as these issues will arise and seems guaranteed to destroy either the relationship between the adults or the relationship with the previous kids. Either result is undesirable

Thank you, Kilowhat. My situation was different as Mum passed and Dad took on my SP’s child as his own so I guess he just thought SP would do the same with me. Communication and decision failings on both sides but not to derail as that’s another story. Both very naive. But I do acknowledge Dad’s part, is what I’m trying to say.

@CanIPleaseHaveOne

I read it that *@IIamakoala* was giving a heads up from a step child perspective rather than projection?

OP - most parents get are very protective over the children when they are born, and observe carefull to ensure they get fair play in general. Obviously this will play hugely into your relationship with your dsc.

Communication with dh is really the only way. Find out what his worries are, why he puts more emphasis on them when they come. It more than likely comes from a place of love and worry for his kids which is a good thing surely?

Thank you. That was my intent exactly to support my view that counselling is the way forward rather than not dealing with it.