I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

The buck stops with him though. If you were treated unfairly and cruely he should have left
And this is indeed how it does end for many stepparent families in conflict. Yet the fault is still always put in the father, the kids and of course the ex.

Ultimately, this is what OP needs to consider because it could get to the point where her OH decides to protect his elder children and her child could become the one who comes after a new child.

[quote Testingprof]@candlelightsatdawn what you and pp are missing and assuming is that I/others lay the blame solely at the OP/SM but the truth is I lay the blame at both for differing reasons and your same statement can he used. She has not got a gun to her head making her stay.

I normally don’t agree with the posters who state that MN is happy to blame men but and excuse women but in this thread it is quite clear that posters believe it is ok for a woman to behave however she wishes as it’s for the dad to stop/sort and if he doesn’t want to challenge his hormonal newly given birth parent he’s the arsehole (and presumable if he does challenge that poor woman he’s an arsehole instead).

@OnlyInOne there are plenty of times where having an extra person and children in tow can make extra work, DS eats what is put in front of him exDPs DC did not. I wasn’t about to cook two/three meals so exDP cooked on the days his DC was around as I didn’t want the extra work. I used an example of being able to combine workload as having an extra body automatically creates extra work (more clothes that need washing/ more dishes/ more food prep etc) so when workload can be combined not doing so is creating extra work for one or both people and personally why bother with a partnership where you only look out for yourself.[/quote]
It IS ok for OP to act how she wants in this situation- ie, not being that hands on and not putting pictures of them up. No it's not ok for her to do "whatever she wants" but she's not actually doing anything unreasonable here.

What are you talking about with your bottom bit? Are you talking about scenarios where the step parent also has children of her own that her DP doesn't share? Because there is still no scenario where looking after your own child yourself is "extra work". It's just not "less work like I expected when I got a partner." You're not making any sense.

Just to add, we all at times have feelings that we wish we didn't have and that OK. Its human. But it's really mainly on you OP to find ways to feel more positive about your SCs. See them as a positive impact on your child's life and therefore on yours.

Be grateful that your parents wishes to treat them all the same. One of the best things you can do as a mum for tour child is to insure they are loved by their siblings. For that, you need to make them feel that are an integrated part of the family and matter just as much.

I normally don’t agree with the posters who state that MN is happy to blame men but and excuse women but in this thread it is quite clear that posters believe it is ok for a woman to behave however she wishes as it’s for the dad to stop/sort and if he doesn’t want to challenge his hormonal newly given birth parent he’s the arsehole (and presumable if he does challenge that poor woman he’s an arsehole instead)

I don't think it's anything to do with sex on this topic. It's more a parent Vs none parent situation for me. To me a parent is the one who has ultimate responsibility for their child. Not to say it's fine for anyone to be cruel or unkind, it's not. But absolutely the parent has the higher level of responsibility toward their child, man or woman.

No one is as responsible as I and his father, for ensuring my son is cared for, for ensuring his welfare, for ensuring he's loved etc.. absolutely no one. I expect the same from other people as I'd expect from anyone, respect and kindness but absolutely 100% the buck stops with me and his father and it would be far more of a betrayal imo for us as his parents to allow him to continue to be in a situation where he was treated unfairly.

You can disagree that's fine but it's absolutely nothing to do with being a man or a woman.

@vivainsomnia

The buck stops with him though. If you were treated unfairly and cruely he should have left And this is indeed how it does end for many stepparent families in conflict. Yet the fault is still always put in the father, the kids and of course the ex.

Ultimately, this is what OP needs to consider because it could get to the point where her OH decides to protect his elder children and her child could become the one who comes after a new child.

People are assuming an absolutely monumental amount of drama here.

My DP is well aware I am far, far more focused on my own DD than I am his son. He knows I won't do default childcare, he knows I wouldn't think to put pictures of him up (and would do this himself, the obvious answer). He knows my feelings are not 100% positive and he certainly knows I don't "love him like my own". He knows my parents aren't that connected to him.

Absolutely none of this is something he needs to "protect" his son from, he and I would both laugh at the idea. Nothing happens because I feel and do/don't do all those things, there is no detrimental impact on DSS. He may not have gained a third parent who views him in that way, but he isn't losing anything either.

It is purely the assumption of people that haven't been in this perfectly normal situation, that it results in something from which the children need protecting.

The op is openly stating that she resents the existing children. She needs to either deal with those feelings or leave. Having others justify those feelings are not helpful and are likely harming children

And I'm sorry but I'm struggling to get past the sheer arrogance of this. If you are not a step parent/have never felt similarly to OP, then how on Earth can you claim to be an authority on what is "helpful". A huge amount of actual step parents on here have told you that people relate to, not "justify" those feelings, and look into the ways they are justified (ie frustration with the conduct of the partner) and help unpick the two is enormously helpful. It is one way of "dealing" with the feelings, which people like you are ironically shutting down.

What DOESN'T help is being demonized and attacked online for feelings you are still having. Do you think that will snap someone out of it? Let me put it bluntly for you, when I was struggling with negative feelings about being a step parent, comments like that didn't make me feel LESS resentful and annoyed, it made me feel more. It did absolutelt nothing to improve my feelings towards DSS.

Do you know what did make me feel less resentful and annoyed? Talking to people that understood I wasn't crazy, had been through similar things, and allowed me to put my feelings into perspective. Knowing that I don't have to rail against the world and become more and more of a tight coil because I don't want to be parent 3 for DSS has allowed me to relax into the situation, and we have a positive relationship. I feel far less negatively than I did before.

Do you see where I'm going with this? The absolute, staggering arrogance of people on this thread that are not step parents claiming THEY know what helps the situation when actually they are utterly blind to the fact that their methods make it FAR worse.

Forgot to add, DC will always be my main focus and rightly so. They’re the ones I am responsible for raising…DSD is here EOW, the influence I have on her is minimal and I have no parental responsibility. DSD makes a tonne of parenting decisions that I don’t agree with, I’ve stopped worrying about it but I’ve had to take a step back because of that too.

That should be DSD mum makes….

@aSofaNearYou

The op is openly stating that she resents the existing children. She needs to either deal with those feelings or leave. Having others justify those feelings are not helpful and are likely harming children

And I'm sorry but I'm struggling to get past the sheer arrogance of this. If you are not a step parent/have never felt similarly to OP, then how on Earth can you claim to be an authority on what is "helpful". A huge amount of actual step parents on here have told you that people relate to, not "justify" those feelings, and look into the ways they are justified (ie frustration with the conduct of the partner) and help unpick the two is enormously helpful. It is one way of "dealing" with the feelings, which people like you are ironically shutting down.

What DOESN'T help is being demonized and attacked online for feelings you are still having. Do you think that will snap someone out of it? Let me put it bluntly for you, when I was struggling with negative feelings about being a step parent, comments like that didn't make me feel LESS resentful and annoyed, it made me feel more. It did absolutelt nothing to improve my feelings towards DSS.

Do you know what did make me feel less resentful and annoyed? Talking to people that understood I wasn't crazy, had been through similar things, and allowed me to put my feelings into perspective. Knowing that I don't have to rail against the world and become more and more of a tight coil because I don't want to be parent 3 for DSS has allowed me to relax into the situation, and we have a positive relationship. I feel far less negatively than I did before.

Do you see where I'm going with this? The absolute, staggering arrogance of people on this thread that are not step parents claiming THEY know what helps the situation when actually they are utterly blind to the fact that their methods make it FAR worse.

This all of this all bloody over.

It IS ok for OP to act how she wants in this situation- ie, not being that hands on and not putting pictures of them up. No it's not ok for her to do "whatever she wants" but she's not actually doing anything unreasonable here

Will you reread what you just wrote because you can't be as naive or plain stupid to believe the above.
Did you write that the OP stated she ''hated' being a SM? Hate is about the strongest word you can use to describe your feelings about something. She is using it to talk about people. Her child's SIBLINGS.
What kind of fucked up message is she going to give those children and her own child? Everyone around her is trying to do the right thing and the OP wants them to stop doing it? There is a strong vibe coming from her posts that her parents have the measure of her and are trying to compensate to the SC.

@aSofaNearYou

The op is openly stating that she resents the existing children. She needs to either deal with those feelings or leave. Having others justify those feelings are not helpful and are likely harming children

And I'm sorry but I'm struggling to get past the sheer arrogance of this. If you are not a step parent/have never felt similarly to OP, then how on Earth can you claim to be an authority on what is "helpful". A huge amount of actual step parents on here have told you that people relate to, not "justify" those feelings, and look into the ways they are justified (ie frustration with the conduct of the partner) and help unpick the two is enormously helpful. It is one way of "dealing" with the feelings, which people like you are ironically shutting down.

What DOESN'T help is being demonized and attacked online for feelings you are still having. Do you think that will snap someone out of it? Let me put it bluntly for you, when I was struggling with negative feelings about being a step parent, comments like that didn't make me feel LESS resentful and annoyed, it made me feel more. It did absolutelt nothing to improve my feelings towards DSS.

Do you know what did make me feel less resentful and annoyed? Talking to people that understood I wasn't crazy, had been through similar things, and allowed me to put my feelings into perspective. Knowing that I don't have to rail against the world and become more and more of a tight coil because I don't want to be parent 3 for DSS has allowed me to relax into the situation, and we have a positive relationship. I feel far less negatively than I did before.

Do you see where I'm going with this? The absolute, staggering arrogance of people on this thread that are not step parents claiming THEY know what helps the situation when actually they are utterly blind to the fact that their methods make it FAR worse.

Absofuckinglutely.

It is purely the assumption of people that haven't been in this perfectly normal situation, that it results in something from which the children need protecting
Yet it is exactly what jas happened to a number of old regulars here.

It works for you, that's fine, indeed, each situation is individual, but it certainly happens.

@Dancingonmoonlight

It IS ok for OP to act how she wants in this situation- ie, not being that hands on and not putting pictures of them up. No it's not ok for her to do "whatever she wants" but she's not actually doing anything unreasonable here

Will you reread what you just wrote because you can't be as naive or plain stupid to believe the above.
Did you write that the OP stated she ''hated' being a SM? Hate is about the strongest word you can use to describe your feelings about something. She is using it to talk about people. Her child's SIBLINGS.
What kind of fucked up message is she going to give those children and her own child? Everyone around her is trying to do the right thing and the OP wants them to stop doing it? There is a strong vibe coming from her posts that her parents have the measure of her and are trying to compensate to the SC.

Yes I've re read my posts and to me, your comments are the plain stupid ones. Yes she said she hates being a step parent - she says she doesn't want to do any of the "parent" stuff for DSC anymore. She also said they were nice kids and she doesn't hate them, she just hates "being a step parent".

Having, you know, actually been there, I see what could be going on here. I don't jump to hugely reactive, negative conclusions. I see that the whole concept of what it means to "be a step parent" is wrapped up in negative thoughts and feelings within her, possibly partially hormonal, but also because the external expectations do not feel right to her. She feels she's expected to give and feel more than actually feels natural and that is building up into a more and more negative feeling in her head.

Like I said, I've been there, and out the other side, too. Many of us have. You clearly have not, yet you assume your inexperienced conclusions are the best ones to jump to, and have the gall to call other people naive and stupid.

Lord give me strength.

I should add to the irony in my situation. My SM was an oyster child and my half sister her only child too.

She too made it very clear that her child mattered more than me, would always be first etc... I understood the concept, even as a young child but her actions were often very hurtful. They were very close and her life revolved around my sister.

The irony is that when my sister became a teenager, she turned against her mum, it only fit worse from there on whereas my SM and I made amends.

I am a lot closer to her than her own daughter is. She now always refers to us as her two daughters and how I mean as much to her but finds herself closer to me.

Maybe not a usual situation but shows how things can change against all odds.

Let's breakdown some assumptions here.

What kind of fucked up message is she going to give those children and her own child?

Having feelings doesn't mean she's doing any type of action or sending out messages. You can have feelings and do diddly with them. She's trying to manage them.

Everyone around her is trying to do the right thing and the OP wants them to stop doing it?

Oh good is there a rule book that came with blended families or children that said this is what you should do ? I'm excited to see any rule book that bloody agrees because funnily enough no one agrees here. There are several solutions to the same problem. It's situational

There is a strong vibe coming from her posts that her parents have the measure of her

Her parents have the measure of her ? What are you actually implying here....Did you read the part that actually she spoke to her parents and openly relaxed a tad as they don't know what the rules are.

and are trying to compensate to the SC.

Compensation for what exactly? For OP having a baby ? For OP struggling ? For SC no longer being the only children. I'm not being snarky, I just think there's a vibe to your post that I maybe misunderstanding so want to actually get what your getting at here...

@vivainsomnia complete side note what's a oyster child ? Never heard that term before !

I'm glad you made peace with SM. My half sister hated me growing up but that wasn't her fault and now she's literally one of my best pals. Still wouldn't cross her in dark street the women is fierce lol 😂

@GizmosEveningBath

Threads like these make me so sad, those poor children, 50% of thier lives spent with someone who resents them. Sort it out OP, get councilling or break up with your DP, this attempt at blending isn't working and will harm all the children involved if you continue.

🙄

complete side note what's a oyster child ? Never heard that term before
Haha new phone, much more sensitive than my previous one, and finding out I'm writing odd things!

I get along with my half sister too. Ironically, I'm the only one who isn't in conflict with anyone!

I think my SM was like many here, fiercefully protective of her own daughter until she realised that neither blood nor your own discipline makes children closer to you. Its the efforts, sacrifices, the ups and downs, good and bad months after months and years that makes you a family and caring for that person.

@Dancingonmoonlight

It IS ok for OP to act how she wants in this situation- ie, not being that hands on and not putting pictures of them up. No it's not ok for her to do "whatever she wants" but she's not actually doing anything unreasonable here

Will you reread what you just wrote because you can't be as naive or plain stupid to believe the above.
Did you write that the OP stated she ''hated' being a SM? Hate is about the strongest word you can use to describe your feelings about something. She is using it to talk about people. Her child's SIBLINGS.
What kind of fucked up message is she going to give those children and her own child? Everyone around her is trying to do the right thing and the OP wants them to stop doing it? There is a strong vibe coming from her posts that her parents have the measure of her and are trying to compensate to the SC.

Actually. She didn't. She said she liked the stepchildren and gets on with them.

What she hates and resents is "being a stepparent". That's completely different to any feelings towards the kids.

I am a stepparent. I LOVE my stepdaughters. They are great. Funny, irreverent, charming, occasionally PITA (they are teenagers so be expected), but also kind and thoughtful and lovely.

I actually really enjoy my time with them, we have a fab bond. And it's got to the stage where their dad (half jokingly) whinges they like me best.

Despite my deep love and affection for them. And my delight with spending time with them - sometimes I resent BEING a stepparent. While I actually find it rewarding, it is not how I pictured my life and it can be bloody hard work.

Things I find especially hard include:

• currently pregnant and knowing that while this is my first and terrifying and amazing in equal measures - DH is old hand at this and nothing going through the process in the same way as me.
• going through my pregnancy quite worried about how they will react which is marring my ability to enjoy it slightly.
• being exhausted and still having to be "on" half the week because we've not yet told them. (They think I've developed a real nap obsession).
• knowing that my DH has hobbies and commitments with his children which mean that the lion's share of looking after baby are going to fall on me for weekends.
• dealing with ExW hounding me and causing drama constantly. (Knowing also she will kick off and try and stop contact when she learns I am pg).
• lack of structure around their time here, meaning meal planning and other admin is a nightmare
• worrying about how holidays are going to work with such a big gap between the girls and new baby when it arrives.
• things like DH not being able to come with me to a grandparent's funeral because he had a hobby commitment (big deal competition) for one of the girls.

Who knows what extra feelings and stresses will be added to the mix once baby is here. I imagine there will be more moments where I hate BEING a stepmum even though I LOVE my stepdaughters.

Certainly - I would be extremely bloody furious if I was challenged over putting photos of baby up and asked whether there should be more of SCs. Surely photos of SCs are HIS responsibility? (Although I have had nice ones framed in the past).

I'd also be very annoyed if I was suddenly expected to be default parent to SCs and take them out last minute on trips I had planned for me and baby.

(Both of these are examples OP had explicitly given).

I think also there is this bonkers pressure to make sure that SCs never miss out on anything, even when that means that the resident child misses out on loads.

People seem to conveniently forget that SCs have unique experiences and attention from their mum, and new babies are entitled to the same.

No one would expect DH's ex to consider my child or treat him / her, but there is another thread at the moment where people are saying a mum can't let her parents pay for a trip for her and her child because the SCs will be left out.

This is despite her offering to leave DH at home and go alone. And ignoring the fact that SCs get a foreign holiday each year with their mum, but new child has never been.

The pressure and vitriol from posters on this thread and all the others on the SP board just make things worse not better.

OP has been accused of all sorts, including one insane poster who implied she might kill her SCs. Even you have accused her of all sorts of nonsense.

The op is allowed to have feelings. And she is allowed to vent those feelings. And get support for them.

Nowhere has she said she hates her stepkids. She hates the role, and what it means for her child, and how the husband is acting, and all sorts of other things that are perfectly natural and normal feelings to have.

You’re a mama lioness. These are normal feelings when you have a baby and you fall madly in love with them.
Spoil away, put photos up. Do what you want.

You'll be glad of them when you need a babysitter!

@NashvilleQueen

You'll be glad of them when you need a babysitter!

Not necessarily. There's no way I'm leaving DSC1 unattended with DC. DSC2 maybe when their older.

What like even when your step-child is 18 or something and you want a night out? You'd rather pay a stranger? Ok then.

@NashvilleQueen

What like even when your step-child is 18 or something and you want a night out? You'd rather pay a stranger? Ok then.

Nope I'd find someone else or not go.

Ok then.

Yep. I’ve never used steps for babysitting abd would never. No thanks